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All I'm Living For 22-08-2008 01:25 AM

*hugs you and returns to my corner*

MammaMia 22-08-2008 02:56 AM

*cuddles you both*

I'm going to end up doing it. Killing myself. So yeah I could quite easily do it today :notsure:

effervescence 22-08-2008 04:44 AM

i accidentally let my psychologist know i have problems with my eating. i never meant to tell her that. whoops. and then she mentioned the words ED. arghhhhhhhhhhh. i feel like such a **** UP.


just one huge mega **** UP.

risenfromperdition 22-08-2008 05:09 AM

*hugs you both*
i'm useless tonight but here if anyone wants to pm though i may be going to bed in a few

blondiebear 22-08-2008 06:15 AM

*comes in long enough to drop off hugs for everyone*

Kahlia1981 22-08-2008 12:53 PM

Hi all. Thanks for the hugs hells. * hugs anyone who wants them *

I've started the increased dose of the drugs and bombed myself out last night and most of this morning. It gave me an incredibly whacky day. I went manic a bit earlier and now am starting to drop. Still definitely psychotic .... but we all know that "there is no quick fix". Mother still thinks I'm faking it, but at least is not getting up me for not going to uni. I think I would benefit from dropping a subject - even though that would take me back to only doing one. I managed two last semester even with my breakdowns, but am really concerned that I won't make it through. Maybe it's just my perfectionism however.

Sorry, I'll stop going on about myself now. * sends more hugs to everyone who wants, needs and can accept them. *

Kahlia

zowie 22-08-2008 02:15 PM

Feeling better, the stomach bug seems to have passed :)

blondiebear 22-08-2008 03:56 PM

*hugs Kahlia* I think you should go ahead and take two subjects at uni. You might feel that much better for completing two more. Don't worry about perfection. Much of the time, good enough is good enough.

*hugs Zowie* I'm glad you're feeling better.

I'm craving chocolate. I'll have to stop at the supermarket on my way home and get some m+m's. I think that in England they are called Smarties?

MammaMia 22-08-2008 04:01 PM

*leaves hugs for all*

Chloe darling, you're not a **** up. I promise. Well done for telling your psychologist, even if it wasnt meant to happen.

Kahlia, feel free to talk as much as you like, we all whine, moan etc but we also do share good news, though we fee bit bad sometimes if we're all good and everyone's struggling but we all support each other! Maybe coutinuing with 2 subjects could be worth trying? You've come this far =]

I'm so not in a good place. Don't know how I'm going to get out of here. All I want to do is die. Seriously nobody believes that they would be better off without me. But they would!!!

1ofmany 22-08-2008 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blondiebear (Post 1021360)
I'm craving chocolate. I'll have to stop at the supermarket on my way home and get some m+m's. I think that in England they are called Smarties?

Haha us greedy Brits have M+Ms and also smarties! which are basicaly m+ms without ms on them...

*leaves a chocolate basket for all to pick at*

I love chocolate covered raisens although i spend about 20mins sorting my teeth out afterwards!

MammaMia 22-08-2008 05:23 PM

yum choc!

Shame it doesn't solve our problems hey?!!

1ofmany 22-08-2008 05:25 PM

Helps with unsolverble (failed sp) ones i find...but then I have a huge sweet tooth.

There are children running around downstairs and it scares me...they are too small and breakable.

MammaMia 22-08-2008 06:52 PM

I adore choc!!!!

Children eh? Having a party or something downstairs?

1ofmany 22-08-2008 07:14 PM

Haha yeh mine (was 20 yesterday) my sis and her kids are round!
Just finished eating chinese food and am feeling rather bloated now. Doesn't bode well with hyper kids.

MammaMia 22-08-2008 07:34 PM

Awwwwwwww bless ya

Happy (belated) Birthday :)

1ofmany 22-08-2008 07:54 PM

Thanks :D *Urk* just been bouncing the kids on a trapolean not the best idea! They've all gone now and I have a headach *sigh* arn't they darling *twitchy smile*

MammaMia 22-08-2008 09:08 PM

Headaches suck, trust me I know, I have way too many due my terrible sleeping habits and stress!!! Infact I have one now leftover from yesterday and having too much sleep.

*rocks self*

I just been offered to go out and I really want to, but I know I'd probs end up either crying, making an embrassment of myself or hurting myself =[ But I should have a laugh anyway and I want to go so much :(

blondiebear 22-08-2008 10:04 PM

I didn't make it to the supermarket. The ignition on my car didn't work properly, so when I did get my car started, I just came straight home. In a bit, I'll send an email to my husband at work to tell him about it. We have his mom's old pickup truck on perma-loan. Fortunately I still have some heavenly hash ice cream so I'm not completely without chocolate. I'm also pleasantly full of Mexican food. Yum.

I'm mildly triggered because of frustrating worries and concerns about a couple of relationships.

For another reason, I think about SIing the parts of me that were bothered by the perpetrator of my incest.

1ofmany 22-08-2008 10:41 PM

I am very confused by this Hash ice cream but am assuming it is a brand.
You dont have to hurt yourself over what a person did to you, you are a good lovly person!

Hells if you go and have a good time that would be great! If you stay at home it is most likly you will just get upset thinking you should have gone (well thats what i do...) do what you think would be best and mean you will be happier!

*collapses as has just come from gym after bouncing kids on a trampolean after eating too much chinese food*

blondiebear 23-08-2008 01:09 AM

Heavenly Hash is a flavor of ice cream. It is chocolate, with ribbons of marshmallow through it, then also chocolate chips and pieces of almond. I adore the stuff!

I just am thinking about SI; I don't believe that I will act on the thoughts. I did act on it back in January. Since then I've been wearing my crew-neck souvenir t-shirts that hide what i did and now sort of protect me from the vulnerabilities caused by the memories.

Helen, go.

Marc, has the chinese food settled yet? I have heartburn from the mexican food. crud.

aquatickitten 23-08-2008 01:31 AM

:is so frustrated and almost wants to cry:

there probably aren't many people here who remember me, since i'm not in vets often, but right now i need somewhere to be frustrated and this seems to work well.

nine months. nine months on tuesday. and in my head i know how stupid it would be to start again, by my heart is screaming about how sick it feels, trying to tell me that just once can't hurt, it's been 9 months, surely i can managae to do it just once and then stop again...which is obviously not true. :sighs: i'm trying, i really am. i went to college orientation last night, and it finally hit me that i'm taking 5 classes and working 30 hours a week. i have 2 jobs that i love, i am looking into becoming a successful adult...yet part of me is still fighting that. can't stand the idea of growing up, getting older and having everything be ok, is still screaming about how much i hurt...and it's stupid. i can not afford to fall apart anymore. it's time to grow up. cutting doesn't make the pain stop, and neither does starving myself. and I haven't been doing either, I've been good, but some days I just want to curl up and fester. today, this day, it's so hard. it's so hard to keep fighting when you don't want to fight anymore. i am so, so tired right now.

:sigh:

well, sorry for the random emotional outburst, everyone. somehow knowing someone will see this helps make it easier to keep fighting.

MammaMia 23-08-2008 01:40 AM

Sorry I took so long to reply you two, been talking to a famiy friend for the past two hours or so. So I didn't go out :(

Gwaaaaad I dunno what to do about anything anymore :crying:

blondiebear 23-08-2008 01:51 AM

This was written by one of the two founders of Alcoholics Anoymous. When I saw it, I immediately thought of those of us who Self Injure. I hope the references to God don't bother anyone.

"About this slip business--I would not be too discouraged. I think you are suffering a great deal for a needless guilt....God is not asking us to be successful. He is only asking us to try to be." 1958

You are fighting it. That is good enough. I don't understand why I SI either. Why after 3 years free of it I did slip. I'm still frequently triggered and have to remind myself of what my friends have said and what I will lose if I do SI.

I hope this helps?

~KemicalRain~ 23-08-2008 02:09 AM

*strolls in listening to jeff wayne and settles down with some indonesian food* sorry folks just hiding but if you need help i am here

aquatickitten 23-08-2008 02:42 AM

*hugs blondiebear* yes, that helps. that was just what i needed to hear :)

MammaMia 23-08-2008 03:11 AM

*leaves hugs and everything for all*

:)

I need help,oh well.

1ofmany 23-08-2008 12:29 PM

I am sitting here with chocolate cake, chocolate biscuits and some chocolate...better get started (no when it comes to food I dont learn!)

Auburn Shadow 23-08-2008 12:44 PM

*hugs eeryone*

1ofmany, that's a lot of chocolate!

I'm sorry I haven't been around much recently, but I've had stuff going on and I couldn't support so I just kinda stayed away... I'm pretty much back now though.

Haven't read through all the posts since I was here last, so how's everyone doing?

1ofmany 23-08-2008 01:56 PM

It was and I have just had to have a proper lunch to make sure I dont crash at work. I wish I had spent longer at the gum yesterday now!

Love to all

blondiebear 23-08-2008 04:55 PM

Chocolate? I really do need to get to the supermarket. Of course I need to clean this place out too. One of my girlfriends may be coming over for the day, so I'll probably end up sitting in the living room chatting with her. She makes baby blankets and baby hats for charity. I want to make a rug for my place, have the yarn to do it.

Fortunately she doesn't seem to mind how little housework I do. This place is a mess, bordering on a health hazard.

1ofmany 23-08-2008 07:52 PM

Am about to make a cake and swiss roll (first time at atempting a swiss roll!) for tommorow. Have a friend who doesnt like chocolate spungy things so strawbery is the flavour of tomorrow.

Hopefuly this will chill me out (aside from hot kitchen but you get the piucture)

~*forever_broken*~ 23-08-2008 09:08 PM

*Ican'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan't*

1ofmany 23-08-2008 09:51 PM

Me either

The following content has been hidden - Reason : sort of graphic sort of dont look?
am seriosly considering not using oven gloves in a mo

1ofmany 23-08-2008 11:19 PM

holy crap i just made a swiss roll...

MammaMia 23-08-2008 11:40 PM

Me neither.

What's up Ally?

~*forever_broken*~ 24-08-2008 12:44 AM

Wrote about it in my thread luv. C'est la vie *shrug*. TBH I'm not entirely sure...

blondiebear 24-08-2008 07:28 AM

Marc, congratulations on the Swiss Roll. I hope you were able to keep yourself from SI.

A client came over today, an "emergency" appointment so she can get started on a project. She was more mouth than ears. I don't usually do an extra charge, and won't this time. But I won't work any extra time on her project either. What was supposed to have been a 20 minute appointment was twice that. She doesn't really know what she wants exactly. I promised her four pattern pieces. If that work doesn't take up the four hours that I quoted, I will make more pieces for some of the variations she wants.

Because of the client visit, we did a quick clean up. Even my girlfriend helped. Got all the food and clothing related stuff out of the living-dining room, except for sewing in progress. My husband swept since we have wood laminate floors. Now I can mop them tomorrow.

I even got a rug started. I'm looking forward to getting it done so I can get rid of the store bought one that is a chore to clean. The one I'm making will be machine washable, I've worked with this kind of yarn before.

Yay me!

zowie 24-08-2008 10:22 AM

Yay Susan!

Marc, did you manage to keep yourself from SI?

I'm going to try not self harming for a month. If I can make it that long I should be able to recover. I've bought the 'trying to quit' and 'month free' bracelets and am waiting for them in the post.

effervescence 24-08-2008 10:27 AM

*curls up in a corner*

Hungry. Must not give in. Must be strong.

Can't be strong :S

Psychologist away, falling apart.....nobody to help me.....

Casper_Fading 24-08-2008 10:51 AM

*pops in to cuddle chlo* thinking of you babes!

effervescence 24-08-2008 10:54 AM

yeah u are, cos u want those quiz answers :p
just kidding.
thankies xx

Casper_Fading 24-08-2008 11:08 AM

:O oh honey *cuddles tightly* i lvoe you even without the answers! *pets*

mouse in darkness 24-08-2008 11:29 AM

Hello1981 Kahlia how was the trip

Kahlia1981 24-08-2008 12:09 PM

Hey mouse. Trip was interesting. Am wayyyyy over this rapid cycling. Trying to find the right words to let Doc R know what's happening. If this keeps up am seriously going to be a danger to myself... and maybe other people. Meh. Anyway, how are you ??

*hugs anyone who wants and needs and can accept the hugs*

For everyone else, I hope you are doing okay. I'm most definitely rapid cycling. Have been now for more than 48 hours. In a manic period last night I climbed onto the roof (I have an ankle that is definitely bruised and quite possibly broken) somehow because I thought I could fly. I started coming down before I jumped off which is really good news.

Right now I'm dropping.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Talk about suicide methods and intentions. Please don't read - you guys don't need to deal with this.

I really seriously want to do myself some damage. I want to get off this emotional rollercoaster once and for all. I want out. The only thing that is keeping me alive is that I don't want to put my friends through the hell I went through when my boyfriends suicided. But the syringe and the bleach are looking really tempting.


Does anyone mind if I just curl up in a corner and rock backwards and forwards, and cry??

blondiebear 24-08-2008 05:15 PM

Zowie you go girl!

Chloe, I wish I knew how to help. *cuddles you*

*Cuddles Kahlia*

I'm going back to sleep for a bit.

~*forever_broken*~ 24-08-2008 05:50 PM

*rocks back and forth ever so slightly in her corner*

Oh for the love of all that's good and holy in this world!! 8 days, only 8 days and I'm crawling out of my skin! I've no more baking to do (though I suppose I COULD bake some bread... Am running low on flour though) did that yesterday... Got church in a bit but that only keeps me till 12:30... 8 1/2 hours shy of being able to go to bed again... 8 1/2 hours to try and distract myself so that I can wake up tomorrow and say '9, 9 days now let's shoot for ten'

SO ****ING STUPID! Why is this so HARD?! Why do I feel so awful? :crying:

*continues rocking ever so slightly*

Detour. Derail 24-08-2008 06:24 PM

I think...I might take a break...from everything...
Just...disappear...

Not that I'll be missed :/

risenfromperdition 24-08-2008 08:05 PM

^i'd miss you alexx!!!!
<3
*snuggles everyone*

Detour. Derail 24-08-2008 08:27 PM

*breaks down into tears*

risenfromperdition 24-08-2008 08:35 PM

*pulls close and strokes hair* sup love?


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