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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

MammaMia 30-04-2008 11:23 PM

Why do you feel like you can't post in here sweetie? Do you wanna talk?

Yay, just found out I don't start college on thursdays til 12.30 now and finish at 1.40 YAAAAAAAAY!

MammaMia 30-04-2008 11:29 PM

But it means I have no more lessons with Jess =[

Sugar and Spice 30-04-2008 11:56 PM

I shouldnt post here because am a crap member, **** friend and a bitch in general. I shouldnt have the support you all offer....I am so sorry

MammaMia 01-05-2008 12:06 AM

I'm sorry you feel this way hunni. I know that I don't think you're a crap member or a **** friend or a bitch in general. I DO think you should have the support we offer.

Has something set this off sweet?

chocostashchick 01-05-2008 01:39 AM

*throws hugs and good thoughts and supporty things around*

i am definitely NOT getting better and possibly getting worse but i refuse to care because i am in the Denial Tent and its not real it isnt really happening so it doesnt matter and its not real and nobody can make me deal with it i dont want to deal with it

things i am afraid of:
talking about my issues
ever having my family find out about my issues
myself

i think those problems are like all related too and lately i am having to like have them thrown at me and i am really really really afraid that i am going to have to face them because either i am getting worse, or i have always been like this and i am just now realising how bad it is, and i dont think i can hide it from people forever because either way i am not getting better.....

why is my cat licking my hand? ew now i smell like cat breath and it's all fishy gross
my cat smells bad

hahahahhahhaaahahaha that was such a prime example of denial right there
hello avoidance

chocostashchick 01-05-2008 01:42 AM

sorry i havent like read up on all your posts people and replied or anything
i care about you all SO MUCH and you are all so lovely
really i think that so many people are alive and kicking right now because of this place and you guys
really i do

*squishes Helen and Emma and other Emma (you need new names) and Alexx and Chloe and Jeremy and Carole and ummmmm everybody else here there are too many i can't remember right now.......*

MammaMia 01-05-2008 01:47 AM

I just wanted to show you some love Callie *huge hugs*

I'm almost crying. Can't get upset now. I'm going offline soon, to read, and then get some sleep?

chocostashchick 01-05-2008 01:50 AM

((((((((((((((((((((((((Zowie and Jo and Alyssa and raininginmyhead and hunni and the whole world)))))))))))))))))))))))

ps i am not developing a pathetic substance abuse problem with otc cough meds that have a hallucinogeny thing in them
oopsies
and i am not incapable of functioning without it
and i am not losing my mind
and i am not a horrible person
and i am not afraid of having to go to the bridal shower and two weddings this summer in hot places and somehow find acceptable jewelry/coverups to go with teeny summer dresses in hot and humid southern places in the middle of the summer that will cover my scars and marks etc
and i am not afraid of having to talk to my genius overachieving relatives about how pathetic and pointless and useless to society i am right now
looking back on past events... i think they know and that scares me. they are all really smart. i dont think my mom knows but i think they know.....

i love you all and Ally i hope you are okay and Helen i think your new schedule sounds lovely and maybe you can visit Jess and Carole if you want to you can talk to us about anything the Denial Tent rules are that you can talk about anything really! and Alexx i hope you are okay i am thinking of you. Jeremy you are special and i am sorry that you are having a bad time but i send you good thoughts. Zowie i am glad hosp was okay welcome back. Chloe how goes it?

chocostashchick 01-05-2008 01:52 AM

Helen if you want to cry and feel like crying dont stop it
we have to like accept our feelings and let them come
so cry
and let it happen
and get some sleep and relax
you dont have to hide your feelings EVER it's not weak or anything
i hope that whatever has made you upset gets better
and thankies muchly for the love and i give you some love back :)

MammaMia 01-05-2008 01:55 AM

I can't cry though, they won't come. They're evil like that. I think it's oly really hit me tonight I have to say goodbye soon, and I'm really not ready. I mean, I want to stay in contact and hopefully will but it won't be the same, it really won't. I wish the tears would come when I wanted :(

I'm sooooo tired, but don't feel like sleeping.

*hugs you lots*

Pomegranate 01-05-2008 02:14 AM

*bangs head repeatedly on table* Shouldn't these things be ****ing padded or something?? *runs screaming around tent*

chocostashchick 01-05-2008 02:16 AM

change can be sucky like that
but it also means umm new opportunities?
i stayed in touch with my friends after i finished school
not everybody does, but then again i think those are the people who dont care as much
but you care and these relationships are important to you so i think they can be lifelong
*hugs you lots as well*
i am sorry the tears wont come
that seems sort of funny, telling you that i wish that you would cry lol it sounds mean but it isnt meant to be!

MammaMia 01-05-2008 02:16 AM

Emma, I got your text but can't reply :(

Pomegranate 01-05-2008 02:16 AM

do you want me to call?

MammaMia 01-05-2008 02:17 AM

Change is sucky.
I'm sick of it, through and trough.
But it's nearly all done.
*hugs even more*

chocostashchick 01-05-2008 02:17 AM

Emma honey i am sorry you feel upset
you dont need to bang your head
i dont think it actually makes the thoughts stop or go away
when you are ready talk about it to us, or to somebody, and then it will feel better
but run around if you need to for now and scream all you want that is okay

MammaMia 01-05-2008 02:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lifeisabitch (Post 731444)
do you want me to call?

I really want to say yes but can't :( Meh, I don't want to risk waking up my mum :notsure:

Pomegranate 01-05-2008 02:29 AM

thanks Callie *hugs*
It is nothing really. I have drunk best part of a bottle of wine, two v+o and three pints snake bite and am only tipsy. Want to cut, but something is stopping me. Don't think I have the energy, want to curl up and never move, or even better have a sudden heart attack or something and drop dead. I have just had enough, a 'stop the world cos I want to get off' moment I guess. It's just these moments have turned into a lifetime. Enough is enough. I just don't want this anymore. I don't want anything except to be able to cut it away but for some reason I just can't.

Helen, I've pm'd you hun x

MammaMia 01-05-2008 02:32 AM

I feel like you Emma, I want the world to stop. I can't deal with it anymore. I've tried and tried and tried. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of waiting for the good times to come home to me. I'm tired of cutting every night and not achieving the pain I want. I'm tired of aching for my dad. I'm tired of worrying my mum so much. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of tears never coming. I'm tired of ****ing everything up. I'm tired of being a failure. I just want to die, then everything can stop. It sounds great.

chocostashchick 01-05-2008 02:52 AM

*GROUP HUG*

MammaMia 01-05-2008 02:59 AM

*group hug*

I think Em may have fallen asleep in her chair, bless. I made her smile hehe. I meet this goregous & amazing girl in two weeks and you know Callie? I can't wait!!!!!!!!

chocostashchick 01-05-2008 03:32 AM

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shucks *is jealous*
i wanna meet you guys no fair
you guys are so lucky :) that's awesome
wait is shucks a word or did i make that up? it looks really weird

Pomegranate 01-05-2008 03:38 AM

lol no ashucks is a real word hun. I have been slightly stupid. Sort of dissociated and now have....well shall we just leave it with something that def needs stitches. ****...i was struggling but helens pm made me smile and then suddenly i went. I have been robbed of about 45 minutes. damn it.

Sugar and Spice 01-05-2008 08:38 AM

I am so sorry that you are all so low *special hugs for everyone*

MammaMia 01-05-2008 10:10 AM

*hugs*

I hate losing time and keep doing it, and I'm actually scared.....:S

*breathes* Well I don't think I'm gonna be getting to college before 11.20 :( But that's okay....I can wait til our 1.40 lesson to see her....

MammaMia 01-05-2008 11:18 AM

I'm ****ing shaking so much with anger more than anything....

So it wasn't enough that I was told to go & kill myself last night, I then wake up to this on my honest box on myspace

"I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU ****ING DIE YOU INSESTUOS PIECE OF ****, NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU MIGHT ASWELL JUST SHOOT YOURSELF! ITS YOUR ONLY ****ING OPTION. Love you."

I have a fair few ideas.....who it were......

I'm so ****ing angry. Well I know they want me to be angry...I suposse.

Pomegranate 01-05-2008 11:42 AM

thats sick Helen! Who would write that? Do they think they are being funny or something? You shouldn't die. You are better than to let something like that upset you *hugs* x

Jetforce 01-05-2008 01:27 PM

*hugs chloe, emma, helen, callie, ally, carole and any1 else i've missed*

Hope u guys r okies there

*leaves some chocolate mashmellow for ppl to munch on*

Tc ppl :-)

MammaMia 01-05-2008 03:48 PM

I'm fuming even more now.

I just realised it HAS to be one of my myspace friends, because my profile is set to PRIVATE.

I think I'm gonna write down everyone i have added and cross those I'm sure wouldn't say it.

I don't think Kim did it because one or two used in that she certainly wouldnt know of...

Detour. Derail 01-05-2008 07:35 PM

:O HELEN THATS AWFUL!!!!
*hugs tight*

zowie 01-05-2008 07:57 PM

Helen hunny, don't listen to them. That was so spiteful. *Hugs for Helen*

I want to drink tonight. x

~*forever_broken*~ 01-05-2008 09:13 PM

Oh Helen, that's terrible!!! Don't listen to them hunni they're obviously not worth the time of day *massive hugs*

*hugs Helen, Jeremy, Callie, Carole, Zowie, Emma, and anyone else I missed*
Much love to all...

I'm gonna go sit in my corner and be blank.

MammaMia 01-05-2008 09:14 PM

I'm really really upset =\
I'm crying because I want things to get better.
I'm crying because I'm glad me & my dad had a good evening.
I'm crying because my net keeps ****ing.
I'm crying because my skybox wont ****ing work.
I'm crying because one/two people want me dead literally.
I'm crying because I want Emma to come home :(
I'm crying because....I feel so out of control

MammaMia 01-05-2008 09:15 PM

Thanks guys :) though....seriously....never had anything so SPITEFUL. If I thought a guy I used to know who said "why don't you try kill yourself" (or something) upset me...then that was nothing compared to that today :(

I have such a bad headache :(

~*forever_broken*~ 02-05-2008 04:34 AM

*snuggles Helen* Love you sweetie,
*massive hugs for Emma* I hope you're doing better luv... Please take care.
------------------------------
Me? I'm so f**king tired of it all. I was actually feeling almost good earlier. My therapy appointment went well... And though my doc decided I need to work up to 450 mg of Wellbutrin (taking me to the maximum therapeutic dose on both meds I'm taking:pinch:) that wasn't a big deal. And then, some how, I just crashed. I'm exhausted, I feel awful... I just want it to go away:crying: it's not fair... It's never going to get better. Every time it comes close it goes just as swiftly and abruptly as it came:crying:...I want to die... Then it would end:crying:

PurpleSmurf 02-05-2008 06:00 AM

Bleh What the hey i am good i promise i am but i got this pretty new blade that keeps calling my name and i cant throw it away i need it for work but damn is it calling my name

MammaMia 02-05-2008 07:23 AM

*hugs everyone*

I feel like **** this morning :(

effervescence 02-05-2008 08:52 AM

^ what helen said.

chemistry exam in the morning. ****.

Sugar and Spice 02-05-2008 10:46 AM

Oh Helen, that is awful *big hugs*
I'm glad you were able to have a good evening with your dad though :)

Ally, don't give in sweetie. Things can, and will, get better. Just hang on in there *squishes*

*warm hugs all round*

How are people today?

dark_light 02-05-2008 11:54 AM

*hugs everyone*

Helen i'm sorry someone did that its awful, people can be so nasty, hope you are feeling a bit better.

I feel pretty shitty too, had enough of this crappy hospital business. :crying:

zowie 02-05-2008 12:45 PM

Oh god, I have a week to start and finish my psych coursework.
I'll never do it, I'm such a **** up.

MammaMia 02-05-2008 02:11 PM

Thanks guys. It's still affecting me but both Jane & Julie said I should try and move on from it, no point in listening to what they said. Even Jane stressed to me in the email that I should listen to the people I tust =D

OMG, today has been absloute mad.

I'm better at controlling my tounge (and anger!!) because today I'd not been sat down five minutes and Tina told me she wanted to finish two tasks set by 9.40. Then Jane S came in asking if she could have a word. Turns out Jane had emailed her about me dropping Psychology and getting it officaly. Jane B said I'd told her that I'd spoken to Jane S about it already, but bless her she misinterepted it. So, Jane asked why I wanted to drop and she was nice about it...so he requested to see me at break to make an appointment to see deputy head of facualty yet again (like last yr) to make the dropping offical...I came back and Tina started moaning again so I got on with my work. She kept demanding I had it finished, and I said I can only try and she's like no that's not good enough. I had to hold my tounge when she said that because I was getting stressed and nearly told where to go, but being the lady that I turning into...I held it back So she at the end of the lesson said she wanted it then by 10.50....and told me to go to my next lesson (hmm)

So I went to my next lesson, and worked through the stuff but was nearly screaming by 10.48 because I managed to muck up one part and was getting stressed. Jess asked what was up so I explained and then a minute later she was like have you finished both tasks? I replied with well no, and she went Tina is going to kill you (how ironic aye?) and I said I know!!!!

I then went and saw Jane S, we made the appointment and she gave me the USB stick that I'd lost and let me go then So I popped into the common room whilst the other Jane was on the phone...so spoke to her and that was fun Spoke to Jane about the email I'd sent her She was re-instating what she'd said in her email really, to ignore it and let it go now..and to listen to those people I do trust and stuff bless her She's been an amazing support lately, really appericate it!!!

After that, I spoke to Becky some more...and decided I'd go searching for Neil to say thanks for his help yesterday about the above and to let him know I took his advice But wasted ages looking but got to speak quickly to other people. I gave up the search....I was headed back for the common room to do some coursework when Julie said hey and then we both moved two steps in opposite directions and hesitated (I was going to ask I could talk to her...cus Jane forwarded my email to her ) and then she asked if she could have a word with me So that we did.......about that email, other stuff and how she's contacted my gp yet again esp as I've now either attempted suidice or come close to it three times now since March and obviously she thought two weeks was too long to not see anyone, because obviously things are taking more shape where suidice and depression is concerned...so she wanted me to have some help and stuff and part of it is her duty...so yeah. So my doctor knows about the three attempts/close attempts and stressed that I have to turn up today for my appointment and if I don't turn up he'll be very worried....

So I may just get my liver function test sorted out today woop

*sigh* I'm going to eat some lunch now....

~*forever_broken*~ 02-05-2008 03:43 PM

My friend died this morning. Uteren cancer. Diagnosed in November, dead the second of May:crying:
And I haven't cried! I am feeling very little about it... And I don't even feel particularly bad about that! I feel nothing but tired (and that's a sensation, not a feeling)... I'm a terrible friend:crying:

Pomegranate 02-05-2008 04:24 PM

How are you doing now Emo-fairy? *hugs Ally* You aren't a terrible friend hun. You are probably just in shock, besides I know some people who have had relatives die and never cried about it years later. It doesn't mean you love the person any less. Why don't you try to have a sleep? *hugs Zowie* try not to stress about it sweetie. Could you get a special circumstances extension or something? If it is any consolation, I am in a very similar boat to you with regards to assessed uni essays etc. How are you doing now? How did your chemistry exam go Chloe? *hugs* How are you doing Carole? Jo, I have sympathy for you I really do. Last night I kept thinking how crappy it was to be stuck in for one night and having no privacy. It must be horrible being in that situation for weeks/months on end. *hugs you* I think you can get through it though hun x *sends Helen hugs* Phone just gone off so will respond in a bit. *hugs anyone left out*

Pomegranate 02-05-2008 04:24 PM

DAMN hospitals. I ended up being kept in for no damn reason whatsoever. Here's why. So I get to a+e....cue four hours of waiting then being given a ****ing incompetent doctor that keeps asking why I tried to kill myself. Inform him I didn't so he asks increduously what the cut was about. At this point I burst into tears and tell him to get the hell away from me because I want to see someone else. Get told nurses can't stitch because it had been too long and it was him or nobody. I inform him he is not coming anywhere near me and refuse to let him in the room and tell him I am going rather than let him touch me. Eventually after much crying on my part a lovely nurse comes in, puts wet dressing on to soften the skin and then an hour later one of the staff nurses agreed to try and stitch it after informing me it might well need plastics to sort out. Get 11 stitches....not too bad...was expecting more to be honest because of width but at this point I was still having random bursts of crying and didn't care. Then I get ready to go and get told no, I am not leaving until I agree to have the crisis team come round my house. I am in halls and hate the crisis team so said no, so....I get told I am not leaving the hospital until I have been assessed and end up being kept in over night. Spend night crying and staring into space. This morning, well about 12.30 a psych nurse comes and says he is surprised I didn't discharge myself earlier. I inform him I tried and was told I couldn't till had seen someone. The psych nurse then asks if I *really* want to go through the same forms I have been dozens of times before, I say not really. THEN, THEN....HE SAYS 'do you want to go home? What are you going to do when you get out?' I decide to be honest and said yes I did want to go home and that I was going out drinking and going to cut. He said that was fine as long as I wasn't trying to kill myself when I cut. Spent night in hospital for a grand total of 3 whole minutes with someone who then says I can go. BUT.... then medical ward consultant disagrees with him and says I am staying in until I get a full proper review, assessment and plan of action sorted. Psych nurse disagrees and they ask what I want to do. So I am home. I hate the NHS. Kind of glad to be back because of the freedom to do whatever I want but at the same time kind of scared.

Pomegranate 02-05-2008 04:25 PM

Why Won't This Damn Thing Let Me Break Up Chunks Of Text???? Grrrr!

MammaMia 02-05-2008 04:43 PM

Oh dear Em, I knew most of it anyway...

Glad you're back :D

MammaMia 02-05-2008 04:44 PM

Ally, so sorry to hear about your friend :( You're probs in shock sweetie *hugs*

MammaMia 02-05-2008 04:47 PM

Doctor appointment went well, didn't keep long yay! Not that he's going to do anything except to wait for my appointment. Least I know it's with a psycharist now...so know what type of person it is :D He hasn't requested for my to have a liver function test. Kinda happy about it, obv thinks I'm okay and don't need one....I had to kinda talk about the bridge a bit & the od a bit aswell....but not much thanfully. Had a few questions, reminded I could go there any time or the clinic...or even A&E then he said...now I won't have to worry about you all weekend. Said thanks and let me go :D Hehe, had a medical student in there....wonder what she thought :P

~*forever_broken*~ 02-05-2008 06:41 PM

*pounces on Emma and gives her a massive hug* I'm never letting go! I missed you!!! And I was worried!!! I'm sorry you had such a time of it hun, sounds nightmearish :-( *snuggles* I am glad you are back home... How are you feeling luv?

*hugs Jo, Zowie, and Helen* Hope y'all are doing better, staying safe, that sort of thing. Helen I am proud of you for being able to hold your tongue... that's not easy, to be sure (heaven only knows I've botched it up a few *cough*a lot*cough* times in the past.

Love you all
_______________________________________
*sigh, is jealous of Emma who had/has plans to drink* Not only do I not have the money to go out and buy alcohol, my mom is coming this weekend... so no booze:crying: No cutting either:crying: I suppose that will ultimatly be OK though as I'm really rather numb at the moment... Then again that kind of makes me want to bleed and to hurt... Since I can't seem to manage a tear or hurt over the death of my friend:pinch:...
*curls up in the denial tent under her blanket, clutching her stuffed lamb*


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