I think I'm losing it. I feel like I'm in a different world, as if I'm not part of this world. I'm going through day to day motions, wondering what I am doing. I look at my hands... they don't seem to belong to me. I look at my body, doesn't seem to be mine.

how are you atlantica??

*hugs Ian and Laura*
I know exactly what you mean Laura...

*night night hugs everyone* I'm off till tomorrow

*hugs poison apple* at least I'm not the only one.

*hugs all good night*

I'm a bad wardie.
I'm a bad granddaughter.
I'm a bad daughter.
I'm a bad sister.
I'm a bad friend.
I'm a bad student.
I suck at life.

I hope that you all don't mind me stepping in. Has been over a year since I posted anything on here. Getting to that feeling again, need to find someplace safe because I don't feel safe. I will quietly sit in the corner if that is alright.

Of course we don't mind. You're welcome here any time. Sitting quietly in the corner is fine if that's what you need but feel free to talk if it would help.

*huggles all*

My university that has been causing me much grief due to failing me on a subject whilst I was in hospital for 6 weeks has offered me an alternative assessment and exam. They are also sending me all the materials covered in the subject to assist me with study preparations. The biggest factor I believe was my high marks throughout the study period. It's a major load off my mind.

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs YodaBear*

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs Laura* So are a good wardie Hun , We all have had times when we pop by , it's okay , we understand the life can get in the way.

*Hugs Mute Scream Laura*

*Hugs Ian*

*Hugs Felicia* You are none of those things! <3


*Hugs Mors Certa if okay?*

*Hugs Solo*

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs Mark* How are you this morning?

I'm ........Flat Charlie , I've had enough of this Depression .

How're you Hun? *Hugs*

Felicia you are a good wardie, you just have a lot on your plate.*hugs* what happened to make you think all of those things.

Yay! Reminding them all the subtle way (filling in a spare lunch choice form for staff appreciation day) made them remember I exist! I got my official invitation this morning! It's Oscar party themed. "A black tie affair" Our invites are black and silver... I think since I am so not wearing a nice dress to work in, I'll go with the colors on the invites and wear my black and silver tie with slacks and a dress shirt. :)

It is so difficult to find words, to put them together in an organized fashion, to get my thoughts away from the negative, have been reaching out to my doc trying to get help, my messages have gone unanswered. I don't know what to do, sinking deeper seems to be the only option, but it is not a pleasant one. Forgive the rambling, cannot seem to make much sense to myself, sure it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

*Hugs Crimson* You sound like you will be smart :)

*Hugs Mors Certa* I'm struggling with depression too :(

I didn't realise when I said I couldn't be here a few days ago that it really would be goodbye. I was in a weird mood, but I always thought I'd be back someday. Well now I am, but it's only to say goodbye. I can't stay here anymore, I've realised as much as I love you all, I am not getting enough out of being here to keep at it. I've always been independent and not relied on others and I'm afraid if I stay I will become that person who depends on others to get myself through what is bad. I am by no means recovered, but if I am ever to get there, I need to stand on my own two feet. I've been here many months now and have begun to open up and trust you guys, which is why I have to go. I am only safe if I am fighting for myself.

Oh life...I didn't know this was going to be hard. I didn't even know it was going to happen until this afternoon. I think I'm going to have to try and keep it short but that's going to be a fail because it's me and I ramble.

*Hugs Mors Certa* I know how it feels to reach out and be ignored. It's like no one cares, like you could just end it all and not a single person would even blink. But they would. I've been thinking about it, and there are people I never even talk to, say a girl from my drama class, but if she were to kill herself, I would always wonder why. If there were anything I could have done, if there were anything we all could have done. People will wonder and people will care.

*Hugs Mark* The same goes for you Mark, people would miss you and there is always something to cling on to. No matter how small. And one day you will fight through this. You'll have that family you have always wanted and you will kick the self harm. I believe in you.

*Hugs Crimson* I hope you have a good time, the party sounds awesome. And enjoy anything else that may come your way in the future, fight through what isn't so fun.

*Hugs Charlie* Well there's no need for goodbye is there? We speak every day. But I will miss talking to you here.

*Hugs Felicia* You are not a bad wardie and you need to stop saying that about yourself. We all love you and just because you can't always support everyone else, that does not make you a bad person. You are just struggling and I know better than most how badly it can hurt to put on a brave face and guide others through their struggles when you are breaking apart yourself. Don't ever put yourself down.

*Hugs Oliver* I know you're finding things hard right now, but remember those times when you were happy. Remeber that feeling, hold on to it and don't ever let anyone beat you down for being who you are. You're an amazing person and a great support, even when you are hurting so badly yourself.

*Hugs Lindsey* I know you are also struggling. You're living for your brother and there will be a time when there is so much more than that to live for. Just hang on, and keep on searching.

*Hugs Kahlia* I wish you a happy wedding and a very happy future with your partner. I'm glad the time in the hospital did you good and I hope all those FMLs look up in the near future. Have a wonderful life.

*Hugs Solo* In the short time you've been here, I've come to see you as a very kind and supportive person who deserves so much better than that man you are married to. You deserve someone who will truly care about you and love you no matter what. I hope you find that person some day because you deserve it.

*Hugs Jill* You've really made me feel loved in the time I've known you. Your surprise PMs when I am at my worst made me feel like someone cares and for that reason I should hold on, if only not to hurt the people I love. I love and care about you, hold on Jill, don't let the demons win. I remember the song I left here for you, that day months ago. (8) Nothing's going to harm you, not while I'm around....(8) and I still will be around, just PM away.

*Hugs Kelly, Laura, Laura, Julie, Matt, Ian and anyone else who may wonder into our midsts, or who may have slipped my mind*

There's a chance I may be back, if I fall down such a slippery slope I see now way out. I believe I've really made a dramatic thing out of this goodbye but I'm just like that. I hate goodbyes and tend to hinder them. Oh, and can people please remember the page number this is on and tell anyone who's not here at the moment that I said goodbye, and I want them to read thier part.

To all of you, I am just a PM away if ever I am needed. I love you guys and I know I belong here. But for now, I have to leave.

*HUGE Hugs Lia* I will miss you so but try and keep up on FB maybe? You are awesome and you can do this! You really can beat it.

*Hugs Lia* I'm going to miss you like whoa. But keep in touch with me on Facebook? I agree with Mark, you can beat this <3

Lia-that made me cry, and I know we still speak every day but I will miss speaking to you on here too.
*Hugs everyone*

You guys are making me get emotional now. I'll miss you all and of course I will keep in touch <3

<3 Love you Liaa :P
Might aswell do this all in one go instead of dragging it out, i'm going too. But I will write a long goodbye when my grandad goes to bed, cause I don't want him to see me cry.

hugs everyone