helen - its not selfish to want support at all. I hope that she is around for u.. its good to support each other. Im sure u'll do great in the interview. Good luck with it! I know they can be crazy nerve wrecking. *hugs*

Thanks Laura. They are crazy nerve racking. I'm not even 100% certain where it is yet. :/ Going to have an epic failure on that one I'm sure. Hopefully will find it. Will have to get into Birmingham early to start my search!!!

Awh Hels, I'm sorry that you're listening to that song & being sad. :( I understand the last thing you said, something about it being 6 years yet barely one at the same time... I was sexually abused in high school (nearly 6 years ago now) and only remembered it last summer (2009)... so it ruined what life I had going for me for those years, at least, without me even being aware of that being behind what was going on. I hope that makes some sense? :-/

Good luck with your interview!! :D I'm sure you'll find your way just fine... :) Maybe a wrong turn here and there but try not to worry about it... you'll just get panicky then and that's no good. *cuddles*

Laura, love, not gonna let you disappear!! and also not gonna let you say that you're "fine" (unless you mean F.I.N.E. ... lol)... because I know you're not. And the same goes for you - you're allowed to ask for support without it being whinging or being selfish. So yes. Please do let us know how you REALLY are doing. *curls up next to*

I feel really fat. :-X And anxious, and just pewpy in general. (Actually Crimson, I think that "poopy/pewpy" is the thing that I say that makes people laugh the most... especially when I expand it and say "pewpy-doops" which is me at my utmost disappointedness... if that made any sense... haha.) *sigh*

I just want to sleep, **** it all... :( Bedtime soon though, so that's good. Maybe I'll update my r/v thread again?

*hides where no one can find her*

lolz
"pewpy-doops"
i may have to use this phrase now.

*stays in far away corner so as not to pass any nasty flu germs*
*rolls jar of hugs for all*

I know exactly what you mean. Again, it's been over six years since I was thatword. Still find it hard to comprehend it's been that long. Again, I repressed that & started dealing with it in 2008 (rather than last year). I'm not trying to turn this into a competition, just wanted to show how much I understand :(

Thanks for the good luck with my interview. I hope I find it this time, I didn't for one of them last time and send into me into a huge stress & gave up in the end. *cuddles*

Sorry you're feeling fat sweetheart. You're not. But I know how you feel :( Anxiety is such a bitch. Am glad you're heading to bed soon. Sleep is good. Updating r/v thread is good..

*looks for April & finds her & cuddles lots*

I'm struggling. Well we all know that. Wish I wasn't such a worthless person....



*cuddles everyone*

Awh Hels, you're NOT a worthless person!! You're very much worthwhile... you may not see that now, but if you were worthless, why would people talk with you, want to spend time with you, etc., etc.? It's not out of pity. It's because you're an awesome person. It's just that you're struggling a lot right now and can't see the sun... if that makes sense.

I'm so glad that I found someone who understands!! And I understand it's not a competition. :) I mean, I wish you didn't understand, but if someone had to understand I'm glad it's you, because we get along and all. I hope that makes sense? I'm so sick of this bullshit though, seriously, because it's ruined my life. I need to "get over it" - if that's even possible, I don't know... :( I just need to work through it - intensively - in therapy.

Oliver, sorry you're still ill... feeling any better today?? *veggie soup and hugs* :)

How's everyone doing this morning? *cuddles* I know I'm up way early - it's just past 5am, woke up at 4:45am, gonna be so freaking exhausted this afternoon/evening, but oh well.

My landlord and whoever else are coming to finish up our ceiling. :D (Remember how I said the kitchen ceiling collapsed in February? well yeah, they're finally fixing it!!) I'm a little worried though as I will be home alone with them... yeah... men I don't know well... and me... :-S I have until 1pm today to fill... and I'm worried that I'm going to get in their way since the bedroom and the bathroom both branch off the kitchen.

*sigh*

And my hand hurts from where I scratched it. Oh well. Stupid me.

*more cuddles for everyone*

*Hugs Helen* GOOD LUCK to you for your interview today :) I'm sue you'll find the place ok
*Hayley* I totally took strength from your post about being 9 months free (Congratulations you :) ) and managed to finish off yesterday without S.I. so thankyou :-)
*Hugs April* That was so sweet what Jarrod did for you with the bath and chocolate :) You are NOT fat at all although I understand how you feel I feel fat , I don't know if it's less common for guys or we just don't talk about it .

*Hugs Crimson* How are you doing today?

I feel unwell today . I REALLY want to Harm . I rang up for my repeat perscription and am always embarrased because I'm on 8 (Eight) boxes of meds and it just seems like a lot . Like the person on the phone is going to think Man! what a screw-up on ALL THESE MEDS. even though they don't say anything I worry about what they think even though it's over the phone ,Make sense? . I have a nurses appointment this afternoon . I don't much feel like leaving the flat . I'm so Lazy......

I guess I'm not a worthless person. I don't know. Maybe you're right in what you said & it did make sense.

I wish neither of us understood, we do get along & all. Yeah it made sense. I'm sick of the bullshit & feel like it's ruined my life. But we have to remember at the end of the days, we're not victims anymore - we're survivors :) Some people have told me that I will get over it, some people think I won't ever be over it completely but it won't hurt as much etc..

Glad they're coming to fix your house at last!!

Sorry it's not much of a reply, brain's still half asleep, even if it's 12.23pm already. My interview's at 4pm. ARGH!!!

Thanks Mark :) Have to leave in about 2 hours, arrgh!!

Ooh it's thunderstorming here... hopefully we don't lose power. :-S I wouldn't know what to do as it's still too dark to read by the light outside... which is dim anyway due to the thunderstorm... probably would go up to campus or summat after collecting stuff by flashlight. Lol.

Mark, thanks for the compliment. *squishes* And I'm sure that you're not as icky as you think you are either. :) I think that the "fat feeling" is a little more uncommon among men but I think it's definitely still there... correct me if I'm wrong, but (in general) many/most men aren't that in touch with their feelings. Or choose not to ruminate over them!! heh... which is probably wise. I'm sorry that you're feeling unwell today; that sucks. I used to be on 7 meds (total) and worried about the same thing, soo... I can say that you're not alone in that, but I'm sure that the pharmacists don't think you're "so screwed up" or whatever. You're just getting the help that you need. :) And hopefully over time the meds will be decreased - I'm only on four right now, so that makes me very happy. Hehe. And my SW thought that that was a lot... :-/ Actually, three, since I'm going off of Depakote. :)

Hels *cuddles* I hope what I said did make sense... heh... I'm not the best at making sense early in the morning. Especially when I didn't sleep that well. I had braces for awhile then got retainers, and that was years ago (like when I was 15) and I'm still supposed to be wearing the retainers... and didn't for a month. UGH my teeth moved enough to make them painful enough to keep me from getting back to sleep, so that's why I got up when I did. :( But anyway, RANDOM... lol. Best of luck at the interview... I'm sure that you'll do fine!! *more cuddles*

How is everyone else? Kahlia, Nicole, Laura, anyone else that I'm magically forgetting? :-S

Played WoW for awhile this morning, did some dailies (daily quests, i.e. ones that you can repeat day after day), did an outdated (level 16) quest on my level 28 mage... just enjoyed myself although I came within 5 health pts of dying (out of 700+ ... lol). I'm really tired though... as I have already stated... yuckie. :(

My feet are cold... maybe I won't wear flipflops today... although if I don't I will regret it, as it's supposed to be sunny and warm again today. Right now though... chilly and rainy. Yuck. :(

I am so sick of life. :crying:

Oh I love thunderstorms!! Hope you don't lose power though :(

*cuddles April* It did make sense. I would have replied to it properly but struggling to write posts. Lame. Was on a roll yesterday and the day before. Ouch about your teeth :( I had braces when I was 16!! Got them off about 6 months before my 18th & just a week or so before my Dad would walk out on us =/ Didn't really wear my retainer, so some of my teeth have moved a bit :( But it's not horrible like they were before :/ *more cuddles indeed*

I can't stop thinking about my nightmare :S

I don't know if I'm more in touch with my feelings but it would make sense what with the S.I. and depression stuff . I DEFINATLY ruminate over them way too much:S .

I am TOO caffinated lol , I like thunderstorms as well , I hope you keep power .

*Hugs Helen* I'm sorry you had a nightmare :( can you do anything to take your mind off of it ?

Trying to take my mind off it by reading a mag :P

*hugs everyone* sorry Ill do individual replies later today...

I have my psych class in a few minutes, and then a ton of work to get done before my 2 night classes tonight.. I just want to sleep, but no time... I may have to survive on coffee today.
*sigh*
if its not okay to disappear is it at least okay to hide?

We (thankfully) didn't lose power, and now it's sunny & warm out just like "they" (whoever the magical "they" is) said it would be!! Wonder of wonders... lol. I'm at uni now... left as soon as our landlord got there to fix the ceiling as I didn't want to be in the way. But I did clean out Daniel's litterbox, so I feel accomplished in a sad sort of way... heh. :P

Awh Hels, nightmares are awful. :( I'm glad you're trying to keep your mind off it. That's a good start. What mag you reading? *cuddles*

*cuddles Mark* Well, I think it's a good thing when guys are in touch with their feelings, and yeh, it would make sense in your case what with depression/SI stuff... but ruminating is not good!! hehe... I do it too, so it's like the pot calling the kettle black... :P How are you feeling now?

*cuddles Laura* Yeah, you can hide - I GUESS. As long as we're allowed to find you. :) I hide all of the time and someone always comes and finds me... heh. I'm sorry that you have a ton of work for your night classes... that really sucks. Especially - especially - when you're tired, too. *more cuddles*

I took a nap that was interrupted by a text - from our landlord - and a phonecall from Jarrod, just to say hi during his break. It was a short call but at least I got to hear his voice. :) That was nice... although I think he was a bit annoyed with me for being so tired... I don't know, though.

And now, ta-daa, I'm awake (sort of) and on campus. I daren't drink anything that has caffeine in it though, even though I feel pretty (mentally) relaxed. My body is as tense as a wire, especially my back. :(

Anyway. *more cuddles for everyone*

Hello my lovely fellow inmates! *group huggle*

ooh, Helen will be at her interview in a few minutes! *sends out positive thoughts Helen's way*

I made it to the healing session at my Spiritualist church today, thats the second tuesday in a row, so I'm pleased about that. It's also my first day of my week on hormones for PMDD and I nearly forgot to take it this morning 'cos I wasn't feeling like the world was going to end, so that was lovely. I hope this means I won't drop so low and struggle so much this cycle, as the past two cycles have been awful and a real struggle not to SI.

Sorry for lack of individual responses but I'm about to go for a nap so I'm rather lacking concentration at the mo, but I wanted to check in and have huggles with you all before I got snuggled down again.

*chooses a different random spot in the ward to snuggle down for a nap*

I've not long got back from meeting my nurse , she is still keen for me to do volenteering on prescription . We chatted and she said more than once that I seemed calm today , Truth is I've had WAY too much caffine and my mind was/is going faster than my exterior could keep up with ,if I came over as calm it was by lucky chance . I needed the caffine to wake up today , I am really struggling to force myself out of bed in the mornings and I can't get to sleep at night some nights .

I'm triggered now which is no fun , I am visuallising the wound . I am trying hard to be up and positive but I'm still getting these horrible thoughts , Dammit it's just not fair!!!

I Also had auricular accupuncture where they put 5 needles in each ear and then after a while they take them out and put these beads behind each ear ,2 each ear , and they sort of stick there with a tiny sticking plaster . It's all supposed to be good to detox you and calm you ,1 bead behind each ear is specificatly to help the flow of your "energy" I've had a few sessions now ,I haven't really felt any benefits but it doesn't hurt and as my nurse said it's good to get me out of the flat :)

Also what does "asshat" mean? I've never heard this word :P Do you say it like it's written ?

Wow lots of posts even just overnight...well less than a whole page so it probably just seems a lot to me but anywho...

*huggles Helen* I wasn't on to wish you luck but I hope you did well.
*huggles Mark* Aside from wanting to go back home and go to bed I'm doing ok this morning... still awaiting the caffeine to kick in so I'm half asleep and dunno how the day or even morning will go.
Sorry you're triggered right now... Stay safe, yeah?
*huggles April* Glad you didn't lose power.
*huggles Hayley* Glad you're not feeling too bad so far.
*huggles Laura*
*huggles Oliver* soup?
*huggles anyone i missed and runs to get to the front desk on time to open.* Will post more later.

WHOOP! my cat is now a proud mummy of 5 beutiful kittens :D *hugs everyone*