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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

tamobhuuta 31-12-2018 10:09 AM

Just leaving more hugs x

one_step_closer 31-12-2018 03:42 PM

Your work is really not understanding what you need for your well being. The assessments might be useful but I know what you mean when you're saying you have to keep working to 'put yourself first' in that way. Do you know where the assessments would take place? Is there even an option of going on your lunch break? Someone needs to be kinder to you and fair.

chinahorse 31-12-2018 05:51 PM

The assessments would be at the local hospital which is 2 buses away so not possible in lunch time.

I feel exceptionally self destructive at the moment. Purged at work. Don't think anyone heard. I am sick to death of myself. How do I cope with that? What do I do?

one_step_closer 31-12-2018 07:28 PM

How does you psych suggest you attend the assessments? Is there any way they could be carried out closer to you?

I don't know what to suggest with coping with feelings of being sick of yourself, I know how consuming it can be. What would be an acceptable version of yourself, to you? Are there any safe things that take your mind off your feelings and what's going on inside and allow you to focus on something else?

chinahorse 31-12-2018 08:01 PM

That I just take time off work for them. Really sodding easy for her to say. We've just had another person hand in their notice and ia currently on 2 weeks holisay so I won't be allowed time off any time soon.

It is a really hard feeling. I just want to buy pretty things for the fleeting good feeling. But I won't otherwise I'll be skint and sad.

Auror. 31-12-2018 08:07 PM

Could you contact the people doing the assessments directly, explain your financial and work situation, and ask if they can be done out of hours so that you can attend? I know it's unlikely, but at least that way they can know that you aren't unwilling, it just might not actually be feasible?

Or see if they can be scheduled far enough out and on the same day so that it might just mean taking one day off instead of multiple ones, and if it's a couple of months away, maybe you'd be allowed time off by then?

I realize neither may be possible. I understand work makes things really difficult, and I understand why you need to work and be there. Unfortunately that's not a reality health care professionals tend to understand and it's really a shame.

chinahorse 05-01-2019 10:40 PM

I've decided to do that camden. Going to arrange both assessments in one afternoon and take time off from work and see what they have to say. I tried to call my cc to arrange it but she was off.

At the moment I'm really anxious. I'm worried I will get fired and I have no savings. I'm really worried. My auntie is also emotionally black mailing me via Facebook. I have knot in my stomach and feel sick. Can't calm myself.

one_step_closer 06-01-2019 11:07 AM

Good luck with the arrangements, Camden had a great idea there.

You have a lot of worries and I know how easy it is to get caught up in so many what if's. Would your treatment team be able to support you with regards to work and needing time for treatment so they don't discriminate against you? They shouldn't be able to fire you for needing treatment. Is there anyone you can talk to about your auntie? Can you maybe even block her if she is getting to you so much? How are things today?

chinahorse 06-01-2019 09:23 PM

Thank you love.

My auntie was awful to me. Messaged my mum about it. Really really upset by it.

My mh have offered to write letters to work about me needing treatment.

I'm very down. I feel unsafe and there's nothing helpful. I need to shower and go to bed but I'm too anxious. I really want to cut. My cat is sat on my lap though. Think he knows somehow. I need to cut to prove I'm invincible.

one_step_closer 07-01-2019 04:20 PM

I hope you managed to stay safe, cats are good at pinning you down and then hopefully the urge passes. Did it help to message your Mum? How are you doing today? You don't need to prove you're invincible because you're not, with everything that is going on right now you need support not trying to make people think that you are fine whatever happens.

chinahorse 08-01-2019 05:56 PM

I can't thank you enough for your ongoing support lovely <3 don't know what I've done yo deserve it.

Talking to my mum helps sometimes. Sometimes she is selfish.

I called the cmht and left a message for my cpn in monday. No message back to say she got it or is arranging the meetings. Today I needed to talk to someone. I called 4 times in my lunch break and no one even answered the phone. I feel very let down.

Last night I ended up in A and E until 3.30am. Got home at 4. Got up and went to work at 6.20 am. Things are not ok.

Out of the last week and this I have worked 12 out of 14 days. I'm shattered.

I want someone to notice how much I'm struggling to keep the plates spinning and help me. I really really needed to talk to someone.

one_step_closer 08-01-2019 06:41 PM

You deserve much more than my support. You are very welcome.

I'm really not understanding why no one is hearing how tough things are for you. Well, except that they won't hear if they don't answer the phone. Will A&E have sent a message to your CPN? Would it help to phone a helpline if you aren't able to get through to someone who knows you?

(P.S one of my cats wants to send his love because he's just walked over the keyboard).

chinahorse 08-01-2019 06:45 PM

Aww kitty love.

Am not sure if a and e would message my cpn.

I don't want to exist anymore. It's too hard. And I feel so poorly with a bad cold.

one_step_closer 08-01-2019 06:56 PM

It is hard, and a cold on top of all that must be making you feel extra awful. Right now maybe all you can do is try to take care of yourself and do things that will help your physical symptoms a bit at least. I know it doesn't solve things but it might make them slightly more bearable. Keep trying to get in touch with your CPN, or see if someone else can do it for you if you have someone like that in your life.

chinahorse 09-01-2019 07:50 PM

The only way out is to die. I'm seeing that now. I'm so down. I'm sick of this. If it weren't for the cat I'd be very very unsafe. As it is I'm not good.

nonperson 09-01-2019 08:00 PM

Hang in there, Lillie. Wish I knew what to say that would be more useful... I'm very glad you have Bertie.

chinahorse 10-01-2019 09:33 PM

I feel like I can't keep all the plates spinning. But I also feel extremely cut off from myself. I'm on the way to A and E. It's all rather shit.

chinahorse 11-01-2019 07:18 AM

I was in a and e from like 9.45pm until 6.30am. When I was seen I was overwhelmed by voices and sensory overload and ended up referred to psych. But they came and said I'd have to wait until at least 8.30. So I discharged myself and am at home. I'll call the cmht as soon as they open and am not going to work until after I've spoken to them.

I feel lost and broken and not cared for. Such another bad a and e experience. The dr was nice but the wait when I was distressed with no update to say it'd be 6 hours was awful.

nonperson 11-01-2019 01:17 PM

That’s really ridiculous about the waiting times. How are you getting on now? I hope you managed to get through to the cmht.

chinahorse 11-01-2019 01:54 PM

I feel a mess. I'm at work. Dragging myself through the day. The cmht hasn't called me back.

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