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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 10-09-2018 08:38 AM

This doesn't feel like it should be in serious but I'm not sure it fits anywhere else.

What do you do when you're fed up? Fed up of life itself. Everyone says its a symptom of the illness but I'm not ill. I'm just fed up. Nothing good or fun lasts for more than an hour or so. I often go for more than 24 hours without speaking out loud.

My body is failing and everyone just expects me to deal with it. The lead specialist told me to work less and do tai chi. Easy for him to say on his enormous salary. My GP is giving me random blood tests because I refused to leave until he did something. And no one gets how hard it is to do a job where I have to be precise with my hands when I can't feel my fingers properly and my hands shake uncontrollably at times. When walking up the stairs is like climbing everest.

I'm waiting for them to apply for funding for private therapy, then I will have to wait for a decision. I've been waiting weeks and they haven't even applied for it yet. I'm just expected to cope and carry on in the mean time.

I spent 9 months in a therapeutic community last year, was discharged to virtually nothing and started full time work 3 days later.

My parents just expect me to keep going.

And so does everyone and I'm fed up. I'm so so fed up. I'm sick of being expoected to just cope all the time.

Unbreakable. 11-09-2018 10:16 AM

That sounds really frustrating & unfair.
How much do your parents know about your mental and physical health? Is there any way to explain it to them in more detail to make them see how bad it is and how it affects you?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
It's infuriating that your MH team fails you so badly. It seemed like you were making some progress while inpatient & were on a path to a better quality of life. But you most definitely should have had a proper support system and care in place straight away.

chinahorse 12-09-2018 10:13 PM

Thanks for the support lovely <3

Its hard, I think my parents do their best but its hard for them to get it when they live so far away. I am also guilty of sheltering them from the worst I suppose.

My meeting with my psyche was us all trying to think of whats going wrong but I'm so so fed up. Theres nothing more that can be done I don't think. I'm giving up day by day. So is my body.

Unbreakable. 17-09-2018 04:29 PM

I know that you already tried and it didn't work out, but do you think maybe it's worth applying for benefits again? If you have a rough idea of what made them decline you last time maybe there is a way to prove that they are wrong about that.

I understand that moving is a lot of effort and also expensive, I just really feel that a different MH team and being closer to your parents might make a difference. Can your parents maybe help you cover and of the costs and work that needs to be done for a move? It might not be feasible, I just struggle to see another way to improve your situation and your care.

chinahorse 23-09-2018 12:26 PM

I feel really low and sad today. I keep thinking of when I took the lethal od that didnt end up being lethal. I'm so sad that I'm still alive.

I can't move. I'm tied to my job and home.

I don't know how to explain how rubbish I feel. How much I feel like I can't go on.

one_step_closer 23-09-2018 03:55 PM

I'm sorry things are so rubbish for you and you're feeling awful. When you say you can't move, is that something that you would like to be able to do? I wish I had a solution but I don't. Do any safe and kind things you need to do to feel even a tiny bit better if that's possible.

chinahorse 16-10-2018 05:50 PM

I'm so so fucking fed up of life. I just am sick of suffering. I'm sad. I'm so sad every time I stop it's hard to breathe.

one_step_closer 16-10-2018 07:20 PM

*hugs if ok* What has been happening recently?

Unbreakable. 16-10-2018 08:08 PM

I am sorry you are struggling and I am really, really hurting for you.

I understand it is a lot to ask for, but please keep fighting. I love you so much and I can't stand the thought of losing you <3

chinahorse 16-10-2018 09:06 PM

Everything is overwhelming. Have had some problems with my eyes and head. Feel alone even though know I'm not.

Didnt want to come home after work. Spent money instead. I'm so so sad.

Everything hurts mentally and physically. Work is nightmare. I'm skint. CC is away all week. Have to fight cmht they won't give me therapy for money reasons. I am skint and pay day is not soon.

I'm sad.

Unbreakable. 16-10-2018 10:11 PM

That is quite a lot to have to deal with on top of your physical and mental health.

Your work is horrible, f*ck them for apparently not caring about your well being and having you make up for other people slacking off.

It must be anxiety inducing to have something wrong with your eyes and your head, I hope they will find out what causes it and be able to treat it.

Are there any friends or family that would be able and willing to help you out with a bit of money just so you can get by until pay day?

chinahorse 16-10-2018 11:10 PM

Mum will help. I found 5 and I have a lot of food so will be ok.

Work problem is mainly manager and assistant managwr problem.

I feel better on aripiprazole as well as sertraline but still can't cope with life. Can't be ok. I am sad. Everything stays the same. And I'm fed up of life.

chinahorse 18-10-2018 06:55 PM

I'm achingly sad again. It never gets better.

one_step_closer 19-10-2018 03:16 PM

I know that ache. *hugs if ok*

It's good that aripiprazole and setraline seem to be doing something for you at least. That could mean that other things could improve. I know that in the moment when you feel awful it's hard to see anything else though and I know that you do have a really hard time of things. Do you think anything at all is better than in the past, even from a very long time ago? I'm glad you know you're not alone but I understand how you can still feel alone. Please reach out to anyone that you can. I hope you can find some way to even feel a little bit better.

tamobhuuta 19-10-2018 04:07 PM

Lots of love.

chinahorse 19-10-2018 06:39 PM

I'm sat crying. I'm sad. I hurt in every way.

Things are better in some ways and a lot lot worse in others. But in net terms I still feel lost and broken.

I feel like I don't matter unless I self harm. But I don't have the energy to move.

I'm really hurting.

Unbreakable. 21-10-2018 01:34 AM

*cuddles gently*

You do matter to me <3

Please be gentle with yourself, causing more damage to your body will not improve your situation. I hope you can manage to stay safe.

I love you so much <3

chinahorse 21-10-2018 10:14 AM

Thank you <3 you too.

I have ended up self harming recently. I hate it. I can see the damage but it's not enough. I know this is how it will start to spiral and very quickly. I don't know how to step out of this life of self harm.

I am very stuck. I've lost control in a lot of aspects. Money and health for certain. How do I get back into caring enough to regain control?

chinahorse 21-10-2018 01:12 PM

I feel so shit and I need that to be heard. I know many have it worse but I feel awful :-(

nonperson 21-10-2018 01:19 PM

I hear you. =/

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