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MammaMia 18-05-2010 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katnovia (Post 2303305)
your cuddles are so nice helen *sinks into them* i feel like such a wreck, i can barely keep tabs on what's going on, i have to read back over this all the time just to know who i am and what i'm saying (if that makes sense?) I don't know anything much about altars either, i've never had any help, i'm just kind of muddling along with what i've learnt from seeking help online. pretty pathetic really. thing is, when i'm me, like now, i feel like i'm making them up, that they dont exist, but if they dont exist, and i'm not ill then i must be seriously ill..right? you know what my trouble is? all my life i've never known what truth is. what reality is. everything I think i know, i second guess and destroy my knowledge. I analyze and over analyze until i just dont know who i am anymore, and i don't want to do it anymore. I just want to be ignorant for once and go back to wondering why my life was ****, instead of having found answers.

Thanks, I've been told that quite often, so it must be true. I'm not surprised you feel like a wreck. What you said about having to keep checking back does make perfect sense. Could you ask for any help with them?? Just you shouldn't really be struggling with them alone I feel :( You're not making them up, but I can understand why you feel that you do. Sorry, I know this reply isn't very useful heh :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat :) (Post 2303306)
*fiddles nervously*
I hate calling people. I just... It makes my heart beat really fast and my breathing go all funny.
And I'm nervous about seeing her and stuff, last time I saw her she looked at me like she'd given up on me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat :) (Post 2303308)
She's busy all this week but she offered me the 25th of May but I have an exam that day... God knows when I'll see her.

I'm the same with phone calls & could you not ask to see her earlier than that or at a different time that day??

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2303313)
Helen , It's good that you got to speak to one of your best mates for a bit :) ? I hate feeling alone too *HUG*

I'm glad I got to. Speaking to the other one right now as it so happens. LOL :( But whether I'll be alone tonight still remains to be seen, oh well, lots of good TV tonight to keep me going if am alone :( *hugs tight* How you doing today??

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynx (Post 2303324)
*Hugs Hels, both Kats & Mark*

I want to let it all out, I want to write it out, play it out on the piano but all I can see is death, violence and rape. The only thing shutting up my mind is work but afterwards it comes back twice as bad.

*cuddles tight* I'm sorry, I have no useful words, but wanted to hug you tight.

Still really want to OD :( For ****'s sake >.> I promised I'd be 'good' lol :( But yeah, doesn't make the urges/screaming any better =[ Sorry, you don't need this. I know everyone's struggling :'(

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:19 PM

mark: i dont know what i'm telling myself, am i telling myself i'm not worthy of help and support? or am i just trying to convince myself of the truth? i'm so confused i can only be certain of things that are physical, you know?

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MammaMia (Post 2303348)
Thanks, I've been told that quite often, so it must be true. I'm not surprised you feel like a wreck. What you said about having to keep checking back does make perfect sense. Could you ask for any help with them?? Just you shouldn't really be struggling with them alone I feel :( You're not making them up, but I can understand why you feel that you do. Sorry, I know this reply isn't very useful heh :(

it is useful. you're listening. most people run away from trying to help. I want help i really do. I just dont know where to turn, or if i can. I can't afford private, and the nhs here is horrendous as i've said before. I feel so alone, trapped with all this going on in my head, and a smile on my face for everyone else. i want to OD too. i know i shouldn't but i do. I dont want to admit i feel like that though. *cuddles helen tight* stay strong. you're beautiful. everyone here is beautiful.

MammaMia 18-05-2010 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katnovia (Post 2303358)
it is useful. you're listening. most people run away from trying to help. I want help i really do. I just dont know where to turn, or if i can. I can't afford private, and the nhs here is horrendous as i've said before. I feel so alone, trapped with all this going on in my head, and a smile on my face for everyone else. i want to OD too. i know i shouldn't but i do. I dont want to admit i feel like that though. *cuddles helen tight* stay strong. you're beautiful. everyone here is beautiful.

I'm glad I'm being useful. I'll always listen, just can't always offer anything useful other than that :( NHS is horrendous indeed. >.> I'm not surprised you feel so alone & trapped right now :( Anyone would. I don't blame you for wanting to OD :( *cuddles tight* I'm trying to stay strong..

Doikers 18-05-2010 05:34 PM

*Hugs Kat and Helen* Please don't OD either of you guys , you could really do some damage and no-one here wants any harm to come to you .

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:37 PM

i do mark, i want harm to come to me, because i want the people around me to see what is going on in my head. i want them to see the pain and confusion. but i cant.

*cuddles helen back tightly* we'll make it. right?

Doikers 18-05-2010 05:39 PM

*HUGS Kat*

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:40 PM

*hugs mark* i could do with a real one of those. but jacks at work and my parents, well they just dont know. and they're ignoring me any way.

Doikers 18-05-2010 05:50 PM

Sorry in my delay in posting back to you Kat, I'm cooking and the P.C. isn't in the kitchen but there's an idea ! Why do you say your parents are ignoreing you? I'm sorry if that is the case :( Here have another virtual *HUG* it's the best type of hug I can offer .

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:54 PM

it's alright, delays are allowed. its just they seem to pick and choose when it is convienent to 'not know' i needed them. my mother is very controlling and manipulative. she plays mind games. always has. which is why im so messed up. *huggles*

edit: right, i just rang her and told her i had the ambulance out here last night again cos of gallstone pain and that i'm still in a lot of discomfort and struggling with hazel. she claims as it's tuesday she thought i had company, now i've not had companyon a tuesday for about a year and a half and she knows that. but apparently it's my fault im alone and struggling because i should have rung her at 1am this morning when the amublance was called....? and i wonder why nothing makes sense.

MammaMia 18-05-2010 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2303367)
*Hugs Kat and Helen* Please don't OD either of you guys , you could really do some damage and no-one here wants any harm to come to you .

*hugs Mark & Kat* I'm trying not to :crying:

Quote:

Originally Posted by katnovia (Post 2303374)
i do mark, i want harm to come to me, because i want the people around me to see what is going on in my head. i want them to see the pain and confusion. but i cant.

*cuddles helen back tightly* we'll make it. right?

I kinda feel the same way as you Kat :( *cuddles back tightly* We will ALL make it through.

Sorry for delay in posting, keep getting distracted.

katnovia 18-05-2010 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MammaMia (Post 2303416)
*hugs Mark & Kat* I'm trying not to :crying:

I kinda feel the same way as you Kat :( *cuddles back tightly* We will ALL make it through.

Sorry for delay in posting, keep getting distracted.

it's alright hun, patience is something i have a ton of. comes with being a policewife. *pulls mark over for a group hug because it's easier* I've emailed the samaritans recently, and a group called lifeline..but it's the best effort i've made and i know it's pathetic.

MammaMia 18-05-2010 06:24 PM

*GROUP HUGS*

Lucky you having patience, I don't have a lot sometimes. LOL. I'm glad you've contacted people for help, hope they don't take too long to reply :) It's not pathetic, it's great!!!

Hahaha soooooo dizzy >_> Can't do anything about it though until I get those stupid pills.

Doikers 18-05-2010 06:25 PM

Kat , It's not your fault , It really isn't. I've e-mailed the Samaritens before now , I don't know if yo've e-mailed them before but give them 24 hours to get back to you ok, don't be upset if you don't get an instant reply ok:) and it's NOT a pathetic effort , It shows you are trying really hard to get help .*Hugs*

Helen , what pills are you getting ? Sorry did I miss a page , sorry . Are you good dizzy or bad dizzy ?

wildly insane 18-05-2010 06:25 PM

wow that's a lot of posts, would love to help make everyone feel better but I'm afraid I can't *sits down with a bump* bloody useless sorry

Doikers 18-05-2010 06:35 PM

*Hugs Hannah* I'm sure you're not useless . The posts here do fly by a LOT of the time , it's hard to keep up .Oh and try not to *Bump* too hard , especially whilst sitting down , you could bang yourself unpleasent :)

katnovia 18-05-2010 06:36 PM

*cuddles mark* yeah, i've mailed them before, so i know how it goes, it kinda takes the edge off, but i know it's not going to actually solve anything.

*huggles wildly insane* what's your name hunny?

Edit: ok, hannah :P *cuddles helen* i can't remember what you posted..*cries* damn head *bangs head on ward table*. But i remember something about pills.. and dizzyness, so if it's bad dizzy i hope it gets better soon.

katnovia 18-05-2010 06:41 PM

i spy an oliver and an angelic_monster (name gone, sorry love. damn head again)

wildly insane 18-05-2010 06:48 PM

hello Kat, I'm Hannah :) I've never actually managed to get up the courage to email the Samaritans, so good on you.

thanks Mark, I "bumped" okay, nothing hurt

I'm in a pickle, I've been offered another job interview a week on Friday, still recovering from the last one which I haven't heard from yet and I have to write a 10 minute presentation, that and apply for a PhD by Monday and go to Copenhagen for a weeks worth of meetings next week and I don't feel capable of putting myself through it again and yet I can't stay here, I'm holding myself together with a thread and all I want to do is cry and yet I have to pull myself together and try and make things better. I don't have any strength left.

katnovia 18-05-2010 06:52 PM

*huggles hannah* that does sound like a predicament. have a good safe cry on someone's shoulder. let it all out of you and you might find it easier to face. *shrugs* i dunno, my advice is probably a bit out at the mo.

Parents are now here. luckily. and i have a date for my operation, so now i've got to prepare hazel for being without me for a day and myself for the recovery time afterwards. i just dont want anything else to deal with right now. i dont think i can take much more.

i spy an april


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