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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Scarletdreamer 23-02-2010 06:24 PM

Urgh, classes to go to in 40 minutes. At least I only have 2 today... but I still have to get stuff done for tomorrow's lab turn-in... and I am so confused by it!! :-/ I'm not going to get a stellar lab grade on this one, I can almost promise you. :(

Really, really, REALLY ****ing want to binge. More. I want MORE. I am so disgusting, so despicable, I am nasty and filthy. Punch me, kick me, I deserve it.

:crying:

MammaMia 23-02-2010 06:48 PM

*cuddles everyone*

April, be kind to yourself sweetheart, you don't deserve to be hurt adn you're not fat or any of the other bad things you called yourself. =(

I've had enough.

Doikers 23-02-2010 07:51 PM

April , you are not disgusting or fat , you don't deserve to be hurt you are a great person *Hugs if ok*

MammaMia 23-02-2010 08:26 PM

Let me go?

CrazyHayley 23-02-2010 09:08 PM

oh my goodness I miss about 36hours of when everyone was really struggling...and I generally felt ok so I may have been able to offer words of wisdom, but now I feel crappy so all I can offer is a group huggle
*GROUP HUGGLE* I don't even have the energy to go round to you all individually :(
*strokes puppy sinclair* I'll take you for walkies later, but right now my legs hurt even in the virtual world.

Actually...I don't think i'd offer you words of wisdom, not cos you're not worth it, all of you are worth so so much more than that. But it appears to be to some people that my words of wisdom are me being a puppeteer and controlling other peoples lives...or trying to. Well that has never been my intention, I've just wanted to advise, people don't have to take my advice, but then I worry if I'm too forceful, if they feel they have no choice.... sorry I'll stop rambling, I should make a journal or something rather than wasting precious space here.
Oh and my slimming tablets that I got excited about, I swear they're just making me feel even more hungry! :(

borntobleed 23-02-2010 10:20 PM

takes blankie and crys in the corner for hours hoping no one will notice. bangs head against wall and curls up under my blankie and falls asleep

SilverFlame 23-02-2010 10:36 PM

*hugs borntobleed*
You okay hun?

I wish so much that I could just not be me. I wish I could kill the person I was last week and become somebody completely new.

borntobleed 23-02-2010 10:46 PM

cyrs vilontally. runs to a quiet roon and cuts repeatedly. (i am going to do that) then curls up and talks to the people in my head. need someone to help me

PoisonedApple 23-02-2010 11:24 PM

*hugs born*
do you want to talk about it hun? I'm around (sporadically as i'm at work but checking often)...

Scarletdreamer 23-02-2010 11:34 PM

Damn it but I'm triggered.

:crying:

I wish I could be okay. Then everything would be okay.

But I can't. I can't even be okay for a few hours without wanting to die, binge, purge, cut, or starve.

I really need to get a grasp on reality.

quiet1 24-02-2010 12:14 AM

hugs to everyone.

seems like everyone is really struggling today. add me to the list.

first thing this morning...4:30 got phone call that school was delayed 90 minutes bc of the ice and snow. good. i hate it there anyways. i like sleep. sleep is just about the only thing i do like. i like my bed. i am comfy there and only there. so...i am thinking that it would be good to have a few extra minutes in the morning.

then....bam. urge. i cut myself this morning. that's not normal for me. usually i have a night time urge and usually i will wait until night. cut in the morning? whatever.

now all i can think about is breaking my wrist. why?
i don't get it. i have tried in the past but always failed. will try not to fail this time.

*head desk*

Scarletdreamer 24-02-2010 01:00 AM

*cuddles quiet1* I'm sorry you feel the way that you do... breaking your wrist wouldn't do any good, though, it would just hurt like hell and make doing stuff afterwards a pain in the bum. Waking up at 4:30 for a call like that would've been so annoying... yuck. But at least you got a little extra time in the morning. Is your cut bandaged up & taken care of properly? *more cuddles*

Really feel **** right now. Just want to b/p and get the urges GONE... although I know that that wouldn't really help. :(

quiet1 24-02-2010 04:48 AM

thanks for the cuddles.
the cut is covered. managed not to SH any more since this morning.
i had a very draining therapy session and i am exhausted. i want to go to bed.

i just wanted to reply and say that i didn't try to break my wrist yet. i told my sponsor about it and she is concerned that my behavior is escalating. it usually does this time of year.

*cuddles everyone*
hope you have a good day.

Scarletdreamer 24-02-2010 10:59 AM

*cuddles quiet1 more* Thanks for telling me/us... I was very concerned about you there. Do you know why your behavior escalates at this time of year? Also, was it a good therapy session? I ask because often the most draining ones can be the best - in a weird way - because they are the ones that make you think the most about your cognitions & behaviors and why you are acting the way you are.

How is everyone else? *cuddles for all*

Doikers 24-02-2010 01:57 PM

Hey guys , I'm sorry you are all feeling so rough today :(
I just about managed to dragged myself out of bed today to answer the phone, it was my psychologist schecking appointment times . I saw her at 11 this morning , went ok , she is so insightful gives me a lot to think about , am kinda confused .
I am meeting my Psych Dr tommorow , I'm gonna want to know why my anti-depressants were increased without me being told , pissed off at that .

*Hugs all*

Scarletdreamer 24-02-2010 05:33 PM

*cuddles up next to Mark* I'm sorry you're pissed off... that would piss me off too. :( Hopefully you'll get a good explanation.

I really, really want to purge right now. Just ate lunch. **** this, I hate it, don't know what to do... it's the same old same old and I can't open up to my family about it or they'd flip. :( I am so stuck!!! And I don't know if I'll be able to see my therapist on Friday because of this huge snowstorm that is supposed to be coming.

FML. :crying:

SoMuchMore 24-02-2010 08:12 PM

My boyfriend and i broke up last night... I may not be around for awhile. Just wanted to let you guys know in case i disappear for a bit.

*hugs everyone*

CrazyHayley 24-02-2010 09:45 PM

*huggles Laura* Are you sure disappearing from here is a good idea when in your newly single state? Whatever you feel is best for you tho sweetie.

*huggles everyone else* yikes, we're having a tough time of it aren't we?! Lets hope march is a better month, then we can think that hopefully its only a few more days of this **** to deal with.

My partner returns in just over 2 weeks, he's been gone 4 and we've only had a couple of texts in that time (he's in Kenya training with the army - he's a paratrooper)...anyhoo... The last time I cut or self injured (ie, hitting, etc) was on 3rd July 2009. Its been 'amazing' to everyone how well I've been doing. I've been so so tempted sometimes, but now people know, they kinda 'check' me, any bruise or cut I get, I get questioned over. Anyhoo, cutting stopped, my ED and smoking (a socially more acceptable form of self harm) got worse. I then gave up smoking (numerous complicated reasons) and got chubbier. Ewan went away just over 4 weeks ago, I start smoking again, up the laxatives, buy slimming tablets :( I'm now panicking about how I'm gonna cover my tracks when he gets back... then I think I want to cut, reduce anxiety, punish myself for what I've let happen, but then he'll see fresh marks on his return....argghhh!!!

Sorry guys to spill when everyone else is struggling, like I said before, not after advice or anything, if I was I'd start a thread. Guess I just needed to get the words out before I exploded.

*takes puppy sinclair for a calorie/anxiety/anger busting walk*

MammaMia 24-02-2010 10:23 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Not doing too well myself. Things keep happening and I'm bit angry at the moment. Will probably end up taking it out on me and right now, I DON'T GIVE A ****, I'M UPSET :@

*goes and punches some walls*

quiet1 25-02-2010 12:30 AM

*hugs April* i am in the same boat with my therapist. i have an appt tomorrow night but it will probably be cancelled because of this stupid snow storm. maybe i will get a few days off of work too.

*hugs Laura* i am so sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend. i hope that you remain safe while you are not online with us.

*hugs Mamma* why are you so angry? what happened? why do you have to take it out on yourself? I am sorry that you feel so bad. i usually take my anger out on me too. i have been told there is a better way. i still don't believe it. all i can say is to be as safe as you can be.

*hugs Mark* i am surprised they increased your meds without you knowing it. didn't even know they could do that. i would be annoyed too.


as for me...i cut this evening. not sure why. just did it to do it. because i feel like i deserve to be punished. because i am bad. because my therapist and i talked about blood for about 30 minutes yesterday. i am exhausted. there are million reasons why i did. the bottom line is...i did it and i want more. i want self=destruction. i am not sure why i escalate this time of year. could be because this is when my folks split up many many years ago. could be because i hate winter and i have had enough of it by now. could be because of any number of traumas that have happened that i can't share because i can't remember or can't share because i do.


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