EMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CALLLLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*runs around*
God...it feels like I've not been in here for years :/
My positive attitude of "i CAN do this" is starting to slip a little :/

Im cold...but dont wanna get in bed...coz it took me 2 hours to make...

alexx i aplaud you for making your bed i never make my bed except for the days that i wash my linens which now that i think about it is especially pathetic since i dont even use sheets i just use my duvet so all making my bed involves is lifting up the duvet.....
but go get warm honey, and get some sleep tonight

gah my mom just rang my aunt and uncle and nobody ever listens to me and i am totally stuck going to both these showers and i dont want to i dont want to i am going to hate it and i am going to be nervous and anxious and i am going to have to hang out with a room full of people i dont know and i am just tired and feeling antisocial this is not my type of thing i am so awkward and utterly crap and useless at this i just want to be alone with my misery and destroy myself in peace is peace and quiet so much to ask for i mean i hardly know my two cousins and i have never met their friends why the hell was i even invited?

going out to the movies now..... being dragged out my girlfriends

why wont the world leave me the **** alone

Meh.

I hate being depressed. I hate having such an itchy hand. But I need to stop cutting it :(

*cries* I feel so pooey. Bring on tomorrow I

Heya Helen, a haircut is worth getting up for. Reminds me, my bangs/fringe is getting long.
Callie, instead of getting stoned, sit back and look at how weird and pathetic normies really are.

Make bed? Yeah, kinda toss the sheets and tattered comforter towards the pillow if Bozo cat isn't on it. No point in replacing comforter, is very washable.

I think I'm going to have to take a dose, well for me partial dose, of anti psychotic tonight. Am so tired that circles under eyes go to corners of mouth but too wound up to sleep cause tried to nap.

*snuggles Alexx* aw, sweetie, I hope you manage to get warm... What about a shower?
*massive hugs Callie* Sweetie I'm sorry you've been essentially forced into something you don't want to do :-( but I don't think getting high is the answer dear RYL twin *snuggles* you can do it hun, you're a strong, capable woman.
*hugs Emma* Sorry to hear you're going out even though you don't want to... But I'm proud of you for doing it in spite of yourself. You're so very strong.
*cuddles her RYL mom* I hope you manage to get a good nights sleep.
--------------
*sigh* my mom is on her way over for the weekend... I don't know whether or not I'm happy about that :-( sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not... But it changes so fast I'm never quite certain where I am:crying:
Ugh! And this change in my meds (higher dose) is making my hands shake like none other:crying:!
*sits in her corner, arms wrapped around knees and stares vacantly, numbly at the floor*

*hugs everyone*

What time does your mum arrive Ally? It may not be as bad as you think hun.

Callie....ummmm.... I'm not sure what to say. I hate the very idea of bachellorett parties...thank Christ none of my friends are engaged yet.

Let us hold your 'can do' attitude in place Alexx hun. I have faith in you!

*hugs Helen* hopefully tomorrow will be a better day hun.

*offers comforting hugs for Susan*
I'm sorry I have no more guys.

----------------

I am back early. I really want to carry on drinking and cut but I didn't sleep at all last night and had about 4 hours sleep the night before so am exhausted. If I cut I am just going to end up in a+e which I really can't be arsed with... damn 12 hour stitching rule. I just want to sleep damn it but the urges won't go away.

Bought, well I don't think I can say but lets say several packs of meds today with the full plan earlier of oding on them. I have quietened down the repetitive thoughts as far as thats concerned. But if I sleep and don't SI i will feel so crappy tomorrow and I cant cut tomorrow cos of church on sunday am. Damn it. Rant over.

I took a small dose of my antipsychotic, as prescribed! with dinner. I'm feeling it which means I should be able to sleep tonight. That stuff hits me so hard that as soon as I have it ready to swallow, I disqualify myself from driving.

Ally dear daughter, as you get used to the dose of the medicine, the shaking of your hands will ease. Before the holidays my hands were so bad that I had to make everyone's scarves out of chunky yarn. Now I can do my job if I don't try to work too fast. Or have too much caffeine!

hugs all around

ugh i dont know what to wear tomorrow or what to pack. what on earth do you wear to a bridal shower at a yacht club? i've been counting my pills to see how many i can take and spread out over tomorrow and tomorrow night. pills and alcohol or else i am not going to make it i can tell. my next psych appt is may 15th and i am realising that i should probably be going more than once every two weeks despite how much i dont want to even though he is letting it go slow....... but yeah instead of making MORE appts i had to cancel my one after that for early june because of the stupid wedding and i cant reschedule it because he is full. just another reason i hate this wedding and i hate my fam. but yeah i keep dissociating and now that i know that is what it is and know more about it from what he told me i am realising that i do it an awful lot and wasnt aware/wasnt paying attention and ignoring it and this is very bad it makes me feel like such a freak.

Susan i am proud of you for knowing you needed your med and i hope you get some sleep. ally it doesnt matter if your hands shake it's okay, and once you adjust it might stop, too. have fun with your mom and it's okay if you are excited AND not at the same time. some of her coming means good things and some of it makes you feel bad and it can be both. emma i hope you had fun tonite, and Helen hun you can work on the stopping it you are working so hard and i am sorry you are itchy. have you tried cream? okay i am off to bed and to stress about what to wear tomorrow and hopefully i wont make a spectacle of myself. i hate social events ughh i feel like such a hermit or something but it stresses me out so much having to be happy and bubbly and social and all this weddingy stuff and family stuff is so weird for me. wish me luck people and keep the denial tent nice and cozy because i am going to be using it quite heavily remotely from this bridal shower from hell.

Callie dear, I am sorry you are having such a hard time with this. Please be careful with the pills and the alcohol. You CAN get through it luv. And we here in the denial tent will be waiting for you when you need to vent.
Susan, I am glad you got your AP taken (as prescribed) and that it seems to be working. I hope you manage to get some quality sleep.
Emma, I hope you managed to have fun sweetie, and that you are able to stay safe. Please, please, please take care.
*hugs Callie, Susan, Emma, Helen, Carole, Jeremy, Jo, Zoey and anyone else I missed*
------------
*sigh* my moms here. I am pretty sure I'm glad about it but I just feel so awful... It's tainting it I guess. A shadow that never leaves me:crying:... G*d, please make it stop:crying:

*Crash tackles the group*

Hope u r keeping well guys...i am thinking about u :-)

Take care ppl

*leave some juice for ppl to drink*

*hugs everyone*

Ally, I am so sorry about your friend. Give yourself time to get over the shock of it all.
Emma, it sucks that you had to put up with the people at the hospital. Glad you were able to get your stitches eventually though. Hope you had a good time.
Helen, you can do this. If you really put your mind to it, then you can do it.
Callie, I hope you have been careful. You can get through this and come out the other side.

grrr i feel really unsafe atm n i dnt kno why or what's making me feel this way? i need some help any1 got an suggestions on what i could do to stp myself from overdosing pls

hey everyone.
my exam was average. i already know i got several calculations wrong, stupidly. but oh well. i don't actually care right at this moment.
i'm sorry everyone seems to have so much crap going on right now. have read all your posts and am thinking of you but running v low on energy today so sorry all i have is *hugs* and *kind thoughts*.
hi susan.

*retreats into a corner of the tent with a duvet and cries and tries to concentrate on not cutting*

*hugs everyone*

Emma, I'm sorry I didn't text you back this morning until nearly 12 hours later. I hope you're alright sweetie and managed to ignore the urges and stuff. Let me know you're ok? I'm worried about you.

How is everyone else today?

Me? I've had a good day so far, got my haircut woop woop and seen my nan on her birthday. =D Other people have made me smile today too- my mum and my sister amy. But now...I'm going back to feeling increadibly jealous of people who've seriously seriously hurt me....just because I can see they're happy...having a good stage of their lives....and there's me left behind and now I'm just so bloody depressed lately. Even I know I'm in a crisis stage at the moment....and I know I deserve to be happy as we all do here. But instead I'm feeling bit upset again.....bloody mood swings. But I feel safe-ish when I'm not happy, if that makes sense? It feels like some sort of comfort zone these days hmmm....

BOO!!
Hey guys :P
How you all doing?
*leaves cuddles, hot drinks and cold milkshakes because its hot*

*hugs people and takes some milkshake....yum*

I am unfortunately fine. The tablets are still here for emergencies but I realised I promised myself a long time ago that I would never try and kill myself via a huge overdose because of several reasons, hence I am trying not to take them. Overdose is not the way I plan to die.

I have so far spent the whole of today bar 15 minutes in bed. I decided bed is the best place in the world and I never want to leave it again.

Except I am because I am getting trashed again tonight. Ally- your invitation to join me is mailing its way to your corner of the psych ward :P I have lots of wine, some cider and beer for making snakebite and vodka. Oh and I think the boys have whisky and rum somewhere too.

I have a headache sort of lurking under the surface. My husband has agreed to go with me today so I can order a new pair of glasses, the frames on these are giving me grief. I need help figuring out which frames look best.
Then more housework the rest of the day, getting ready for the fumigation.

I am so spaced out cos of all the meds they give me cos i have major urges, feeling v triggery today. can't decide whether this is good or not
Denial tent much more prefereable to real live scary psych ward so may just camp here for the night.
*hugs for everybody*
*goes to lie down*