*cuddles Helen* If it were a good chat, then why were you feeling like ****? how are you doing this morning? ♥

*cuddles LauraFriend* Why get drunk? You know that you have a problem with alcohol... fight it, sweetie. I know it's easier said than done, but you don't NEED to get drunk... just focus on the work at small bits at a time and you'll get it done. Don't overstress yourself (once again, easier said than done!!), but I do believe in you, love. You can get your work done - better at least a little done instead of saying "**** it all" and not doing any of it. ♥

How is everyone else?

I'm really tired... played WoW for awhile this morning to get my mind off of stuff (like the kitchen!! & how we have no clean dishes so I couldn't have my oatmeal for breakfast *growls* lol)... then did schoolwork. Well, a little. I'm going to do more in a few minutes, once I'm done browsing & posting here at RYL. I drafted my senior sem paper proposal... I'm going to (hopefully) answer the question "Do people with medication-resistant mood disorders have more effective coping mechanisms than those with medication-receptive mood disorders?" ... it should really be interesting, especially as it's personal. I have a relatively medication-resistant mood disorder & need to come up with better coping mechanisms. *sigh*

And now I have to answer a question for Women & Spirituality... fun fun. I wrote the least of all of my friends last class - I hope that I don't get docked points... :-X I guess I'll find out tonight (it's a night class - 6:15-9pm >_<)... :(

Talked with Vince (personal trainer & close friend from WoW) a bit, which was nice... :) He's a lovely guy. Twice my age but never mind that, lol. We are just friends... of course, as I'm already married to the man of my dreams. :D But Vince & I have similar problems so we get along quite well... as well as similar interests, so our friendship isn't based JUST on what's wrong with us.

Anyway... *hides in denial tent*

i know i have a problem....one of my friends actually told me she thinks i have a problem and she would never really notice because i don't go out with her. but she has noticed so it must be a problem. *sighs* i want to get drunk. i don't really see it as a problem tbh. i can still function, i'm not drinking everyday, and i don't HAVE to have alcohol. i just want to. *shrugs* i know it's not a great attitude but....i dunno. it's gonna be a messy night.

*hugs LauraFriend* Just be careful, okay? ♥ Don't know what else to tell you... *more hugs*

I'm really, really exhausted right now... it really sucks. Just posted in my r/v thread too... nothing extremely important there though. Just rantings. Gahh. Want to purge, want to cut, want to ****ing self destruct. I HATE MY LIFE. :( And what's worse is, I know that I oughtn't. It's a good life. I am going to uni & getting pretty good grades, I'm so close to graduation, I am married to the man of my dreams, I have a wonderful best friend, etc., etc... but I can't see/appreciate all of that in the midst of everything else. :(

:crying:

*hugs April* :( i know exactly what you mean...i don't really have a reason to feel like this either. woo for nearly being done with uni though! :) so nearly there, you can totally do it! :)
take care *hugs*

ffs. there is something wrong with me. i took my bandage off because i'm going to a formal later (like dinner in college, but we have to wear gowns and stuff) and i didn't wanna have the equivalent of sock marks, but bandage marks on my wrist. i was gonna just get a load of ribbon and wrap it round so it looked pretty rather than looking like "wtf has she done?!"....
but i can't take my bandage off without making it worse. so now it's gonna take even longer to get better :(
i fail.

I felt **** despite having a good conversation because my mood keeps swinging right now. I think I'm headed for a crash. I don't want to. I can't have a repeat of last October.

I can't do this. I really can't do today any ****ing longer. **** **** **** :'( I know I'm going to end up cutting. Well hopefully I wont. Going to end up upsetting my best friend even more if I do, but I've finally snapped. I don't care about tomorrow right now. It can go **** itself, I'm THAT upset.

*runs and hides in the denial tent*
i will be fine.
i will be happy.
i will be safe.
i will be...
*keeps repeating ^*

@ above poster...(sorry i don't know you're name... so many people respond to so many other people here i get lost and confused)

*hugs*
do you want to talk about it?
what's making your mood swing so much and upsetting you so much today?

*curles up and forgets the world outside exists*

*cuddles everyone*

I feel like im breaking...

*hugs everyone*
i am an idiot. and probably shouldn't have done what i did last night but i don't really care. but now i'm in trouble..... :/
*hides in the denial tent*

*cuddles everyone lots and lots*

*cuddles Helen (MammaMia)* Did you manage to keep safe last night, love? And what's today? (the tomorrow about which you spoke in your post) Hopefully it goes well despite you not feeling too well... or maybe you're feeling better now? *more cuddles*

*squishes LauraFriend (Imaginary_friend)* What happened, sweetie? & in trouble with whom?

*huggles LauraStar (Fallinstar0317)* What's going on, love? is it uni or something else?

*hugs a_m & Grandadslilamm* How're you two doing today? Sorry, I don't know your names... but you're welcome here!! :) I'm April, in case you somehow don't spot the user title, & you can feel free to call me that as it's much shorter than my screenname. :)

I'm worried about this quiz that's due today at 1pm. I have to do it, or else I, well, won't get the grade for it & will be missing points, but I'm really scared that it's going to be difficult. I guess the best thing is to just do it... :(

I'm feeling meh atm... really tired, weary, worn out. My car's back from the shop though - which is good, in a way - I can drive it, but they couldn't find what was wrong with it. And the engine sounds louder than it should, and there's a "whoop whoop whoop" coming from inside somewhere. Sooo... I'm not sure it's SAFE to drive. That's the bad part. But, I will be driving it anyway!! :-/

*hides in denial tent where everything is fine*

*cuddles April* Yes I managed to keep safe. Somehow. I went offline and watched tv. Ended up crying for like 10 minutes before I crashed to sleep. I feel better today. My boyfriend is coming today, infact his train leaves in less than an hour, so exicted haha!!! So probably won't post again after this post. We shall see ;) I feel physically better today too, how odd? Not complaining. Wish my best friend would switch her phone on (she had counselling appointments etc today) and call me. Really need to talk to her, I have to :(

Sorry about your car :( Hope you don't have an accident or anything sweet *cuddles*

*cuddles Helen* I'm so glad that you are both feeling better emotionally AND physically this morning. :D What a blessing!! :) That's lovely. I'd be sooo excited about my boyfriend coming to visit... I remember when I met Jarrod for the first time. We'd talked for awhile on the phone & through emails and IMs, but this was the first time we'd met face to face... August 2006. I was in ED treatment at the time so I didn't get to spend all of my time with him, had to spend every other day at the clinic where I was OP - finally - after a month of being res. But it was better than still being res and only seeing him at night or on the weekends!! :) He was (and is) so handsome & funny & kind & sweet... *blushes* Hehe. Yes. And then we got engaged in December 2006. He knew he loved me before he met me!! isn't that, well, interesting? I guess I did too but I had a ton of other stuff in my head at the time - ED, SI, etc. Oh well. Enough reminiscing. :)

I also hope that I don't get into an accident. I'll be careful driving her... I just don't like how her pedals feel under my feet!! Even the brakes seem a bit... off. I don't know. We just took her on a 2600 mile trip, her first long trip... can't help but wonder if that was part of the cause? :-/

Anyway. I need to go take that quiz!! :(

*hugs laurafriend* are you alright? Why r u in trouble? Take care hun.

*hugs helen* Have fun with your boyfriend! Its good to hear that you are feeling pretty good today!

*hugs april* that sucks about your car. It may have been the long trip that did something to it especially if it already had a lot of miles on it... Just as you said, be careful driving.. Hope your quiz thing went/is going okay too.

I just feel like everything is piling up now. School, things with my boyfriend, family stuff... I feel like im going to completely break down, but i'm trying to stay ok.. or at least make it look like I'm okay... My family is coming up here in a few weeks and i have to make sure that i look like im 1000% happy.

*hugs everyone* sorry i'm not awake enough to do individual replies at the moment....sooo hungover.

i'm ok really. just being paranoid i guess. i went back to this guy's house last night (the same one i've been having all the dramas with) and....well it was weird. his ex was there for a start, who then stormed out in a huff, and then proceeded to have a text argument with him for about 10 minutes after...and then..well...stuff happened. without....using any sort of .... protection. so i'm just freaking myself out. i'm on the pill it'll be fine but .... argh. i'm such an idiot. i don't remember half of last night either....so so drunk. argh.
*hides under a blanket*

April~
Thanks for labeling everyone... I had been talking to helen *which I will make an attempt at remembering lol*

I honestly don't know how I am quite yet today though... All I know at this point is I'm tired of all the work place polotics and rumor mill bs here at work... I mean seriously people are supposed to grow up as they age and in a work place of primarily 40+ yr olds the rumor mill and drama shouldn't be worse than it is in high schools... *rolls eyes* and I hate liars so it makes me angry when people invade my office with the bs. Still trying to find time away from everyone to go to the VA clinic and see about getting a wee bit of help for myself too... I know I just need to do it and get it over with and stop stressing myself out over that but after recent comments made in my household I don't want anyone to really know why I'm going or where since I don't want to feel like I'm letting everyone down or to have everyone watching me and babying me as I just couldn't handle that... On the upside of life these days my jaw feels almost back to normal from my surgery and so maybe some of the other issues will die down a little again soon.

I hope your quiz goes well *crosses fingers* and that your car starts acting right again soon and you don't get into a wreck. *hugs* take care of yourself and be safe.

Helen~
I'm glad you were safe and that you're doing better today. Have a great time with you bf :)

Laurafriend~
*hugs* You'll be okay and if you have doubts or worries you can get a test and double check if it persists in bothering you. How is you're hangover? any better? Not to nag but water water water! :)

Laurastar~
*hugs* I know how you feel about everything piling up and being too much. Be sure to take time for yourself and not push yourself to far even if for family. They'll understand if you need some me time.

*curls up and cries*

*cuddles LauraFriend* Aw love... I'm sorry that last night wasn't so good for you - but as a_m said (sorry, don't know your name!!) you can always get tests etc. later on. And you are on the pill... just try to be more careful in the future - but not to preach, lol. Sorry. *gentle hugs* How you feeling now?

*cuddles Helen* What's up, sweetie? why the tears?

*squishes LauraStar* I understand the feeling... I used to have to pretend to be 100% okay with my parents, because otherwise they got really worried/concerned & VERY intrusive... so I got perfect at having a facade up. I still do at times. But I am learning that it is okay to show feelings... which is a good thing as it's really really difficult to keep up a mask 24/7, as I'm sure you know. *gently holds you* I hope that things get easier for you... you are worth so much, more than you know - please try to remember that. ♥

*huggles a_m* That sucks that your work is so full of rumors etc. Wow. I would hate that!! especially if it reminded me of high school (the 2 years that I could stand it >_< before going back to homeschooling/uni)... ugh. I hope that it gets better or that you find a way to cope with it... yuck. Why don't you want people to know what's wrong with you? I guess probably because, as you said, of the worrying/babying & also the stigmatization (I don't know with what you struggle, though)... but maybe it would be easier to get help if people in your life knew? just the ones that you trusted. *gentle cuddles* Just a thought. :) I don't know the people in your life so obviously can't say for sure.

The quiz went meh. I didn't do too well, I don't think... :( especially embarrassing because everyone was like "that was so easy" & I thought it was easy too... I just missed 3 questions out of 13. *sigh*

Today's been a freaking long day. I'm exhausted. We just got back from shopping. As I said, I'm sick again & feel like ****. But, I do have a kitten in my lap cuddling - tomorrow is his first birthday!! Wow. He's grown up fast. :) Very cute little guy. Or big guy, as the case may be... he's not huge but he's not tiny anymore either. We got him when he was 5 months old. Speaking of which, anyone want kitten snuggles?

Feel like ****. In my advanced counseling class, we talked about suicide & self injury today... boundaries/ethics/etc., but it was triggering. :( I felt even more like I wanted to die... which is not good as I am not going to go into the hospital. It would be awful if I had to. I'm not even going to THINK about it... although it would be a nice break... I am so stressed and frustrated and struggling right now. :(

*hides in the denial tent*

Hi all. *big hugs* Sorry I haven't been around but I've been IP again. Yesterday I saw the consultant (Brian Strubey) and his plan was not to do anything so I requested that, as my right as a voluntary patient, I would like to leave. That was at 4:45pm yesterday ... they refused to let me see a registrar until after 11:00pm who threatened me with being an involuntary patient if I continued to want to leave. They actually locked down the ward so that I wouldn't get out under the fence and just disappear and have to be brought back by the popos.

I'm just going to go and hide in the denial tent and never come out ...

oops... totally spaced...

*extends hand* hello april! i'm crimson... erm well unless its at work or with my mum...*mumbles for a while*

part of why is while some people (even my husband lately) have noticed that something's off and i'm not as happy (even though i try to pretend i am)yet they don't look to much into it as yet. everyone thinks i'm stable right now but i really don't think i am... but the main push of my decision to keep it away from my family is what my husband said after a discussion with his younger sister... "at least you don't do that **** anymore so i don't have to watch you all the time" ... i didn't know what to say to that so i just sat there and stared... *hides in a warm blanket in the denial tent*
i was thinking about asking a friend i don't see often to cover for me and say we were window shopping at the mall and bsing when i go... but yet i don't want to get someone else involved and make them lie. i also don't wanna get interrogated on my whereabouts when i get home... *face/palm*

*hugs Kahlia*

Crying because of a huge argument. I'm so unsafe all of the sudden it's ridiclous. :/ My boyfriends asleep on the sofa, he's already hidden one knife (which I found) and best friend had to go offline.

*hugs Crimson back* Thanks hon.

*holds Helen tightly* I know the feeling well hun, try to keep yourself safe please?

*hugs everyone else then runs into the denial tent to hide from the world*

*pokes his head in to see if anybody is around*

hmm, guess not..*leaves newspapers and muffins for all*

*pokes jet*
i am sporadically here this eve.

*hugs everyone*
*hugs helen* i hope you're feeling safe this morning. *hugs*
*hugs Kahlia* hope you're feeling a bit better too. the denial tent rocks :)
*hugs April* I'm sorry you had a rubbish day hun. hope today's better :)
*hugs Crimson* thankoos. hangover went by about 8pm last night.....lol uurgh

i don't feel great tbh. i don't think the other night helped. my counsellor said that i probably feel "numb" because i'm not letting myself feel anything. so i tried last night....and i got so scared because i felt awful so i went back to the numb thing. i dunno. it's weird. like, at the moment, feeling numb is my default so to feel anything i have to really try. but because everything isn't great at the moment, to get on with my life feeling nothing is probably better. although i know when i eventually do feel it it'll be so much worse. argh. i just wanna get it over and done with and get on with my life but i can't. it hurts too much and i'd probably do something stupid if i felt that bad.....i dunno what to do.
*curls up under a blanket with a teddy*

*cuddles Kahlia* Are you IP at the mo? or did they release you? Sorry, got a bit confused by your post. >_< Was sleepy last night & am sleep-deprived this morning, so yeah. Anyway, I hope that you're doing a bit better, or will be doing so shortly. ♥

*squishes Helen* I'm sorry about the argument... please try & stay safe though. Arguments aren't worth harming over. It may seem that way but it's not true. You're worth so much more than that, sweetie... try to believe that, sometime(s) at least!!

*huggles Crimson* How you doing this morning?

*cuddles LauraFriend* I understand about the numbness thing... I am feeling kinda that way myself... it's really hard to let yourself feel the feelings that you "need" to feel - without acting on them. Like anger, or pain. I hope that as time passes you'll get more comfortable with expressing your feelings & feeling them as well.

I just got up... it's 4:30am here... hardly slept last night & would cancel tutoring for today except I have to go on campus anyway, to go to class. I am sick with a head cold and am so stuffed up it's not even funny. :( Thanks, dearest hubby, for sharing - lol. I guess it's only fair though, as I gave him the stomach flu in January. >_< I just want to feel better though. :(

I'm listening to Flyleaf right now... love that band. :D

Going to be so ****ing tired today. If I have caffeine, I get anxious, too anxious to be of any use anywhere. Then I have to take Klonopin but I "only" have 4mg/day to take, so I have to be careful how I dole it out. *sigh* I hate being an anxious person, I really do...

*hides in denial tent again* :(

April: I got discharged this morning because they wouldn't discharge me when I asked them to yesterday. Considering nothing had changed or was going to change, they should have just let me go. It all comes down to power over people

Bleh. Boyfriend is on his way home. He had to come sleep in my bed last night, shrugs. Our argument was pure horrible but least we sorted it =)

Feeling bit low? Worried aswell. My best friend's phone is off. So can't even ring her and accidently wake her up. Really need to talk to her. Hopefully she'll wake up soon and give us a call.

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia, sorry you've been discharged again and nothing seems to be helping.
April, I hope you feel better soon.
Hope everyone else is feeling bit better? x

*holds Kahlia gently* I understand what you mean about power, the power of the doctors etc. over the patient, right? Anyway... how are you doing? ♥

*cuddles Helen* Awh, your boyfriend only stayed for that short a time after not seeing him for so long? Glad you got the argument sorted, that's good. :) It's always best to do that shortly after an argument happens, unless tempers are too high... then take a break - a breather, lol - for a bit. Hope your best friend is okay & hope that you feel less low shortly.

*hugs Jet* How're you doing this morning?

*hides in denial tent where crying is possible for her*

Well he was here for nearly 24 hours, but yeah, he needed to get back in time for stuff tonight. Plus, he was always only stopping a few hours anyway, he only stopped party because I had an empty house and stuff. Have caught up with my best friend, infact talking to her now :)n Feeling ****.

Helen: I wanted to be discharged because they weren't going to do anything. They don't care about their patients, they just want the power to control other people's lives. If they changed a drug I would have stayed because I'm still not safe.

April: I'm not doing all that good. My mood is depressed and I'm still having dangerous thoughts and urges. But I'd rather be at home.

*hugs everyone then slips into the denial tent where everything is okay*

*hugs everyone*

april~ better than i was last night... not so stressed about finances. still kind of fed up with everything and a bit overwhelmed but i got in contact with the va center to see about getting help from there. we'll see how that goes.
hope you feel better soon and don't let the cold bug ya too much. :)

*hugs kahlia* :( I'm so sorry your still feeling unsafe. If I can do anything, lemme know ok? *hands a cookie* :)

*hugs April* why you crying Hun? Wats up? *hands a cookie*

*hugs Helen and crimson* how you doing? *hands cookies*

I'm at home for a family party and it's stressful tryna hide my cuts from my parents and pretend everthings ok when it's so not. I want to let go and feel something but I'm so scared what will happen if I do. I know I could if I wanted to but I think I'd hurt myself. Or worse. And I'm scared i'd hurt someone else...:( *hides in the denial tent with teddy, blanket and more cookies for everyone*

Thanks Laura (friend). If I find anything any of you can do I'll let you know.

*cuddles everyone tightly and then disappears into a dark corner of the denial tent*

*curls up in a ball, cries and cries but first hugs everyone in the ward*

*holds Helen tight and offers tissues*

*hugs everyone then disappears back into the dark for a nice long crying session - oh why can't our hospital doctors be competent??*

*needs hugs & cuddles* :crying:

Uni work is overwhelming me & I'm crying over it & my husband's unsupportive stance towards it. I was sat on the floor crying & he was on his computer chair reading, didn't even come down to give me a hug or anything. Just sat there & kept reading.

I feel like ****. I'm sick, I have so much work to do, I don't know how to do half of it, I want to go somewhere, want to do something FUN instead of feeling like crap mentally & physically... but no, have to stay home & do work. **** IT ALL!!!

I hate my life & see no reason for me to stick around.

*comes in, unsure, grabs and blanket and sits in the corner*

*cuddles laurafriend, kahlia, and helen* how r u guys doing?

*hugs april* im sorry that your husband was not supportive.. i hate my bf just ignores that im having a hard time. Hang in there though. You can do it. Uni work has to ease up eventually.. at least that is what i am hoping

*hugs nologola* (sry i dont know ur name). How r u?

Everyone here is out of town this weekend on conferences and whatnot. which sucks b/c i dont get out much as i dont have a car so its not like i can go anywhere really. I wish my stupid mind would calm just for just a few minutes and let me concentrate and relax.

Sorry i didnt reply to everyone...

*hugs everyone*
aww April *hugs* there is def point you sticking around! I'm sure your husband loves you, even if he's not being too supportive atm so there's one massive reason to stuck around!! *hugs*

hey nologola :) *hands a cookie*

hmph I'm on my way back to uni. Had a really good time at the family party (apart from feeling really I'll) but I can't keep up the pretence. At least at uni people generally don't notice that I'm getting a bit out of control...argh I wanna get drunk :(

*hugs everyone then disappears into the denial tent to stop herself from crying yet again*

*hugs Laurastar and Kahlia*
sorry can't say much more than that right now....feeling pretty crappy.
*hides in the denial tent*

*holds everyone gently* Am feeling pretty crap myself so can't do individual replies at the mo - plus it's nearly time for supper/showers.

Still feel crappy, still feel ill, blah blah blah. What I have to say isn't important.

:crying:

Can I come in the denial tent again?

*hugs kahlia* hope you are ok.. or as ok as u can be right now.

*hugs laurafriend* glad you had a good time at ur family party thing. Hope u are alright.

April - the denial tent is always open! *cuddles* im sorry that you are feeling so poorly

*joins everyone in the denial tent* thinking thinking thinking = bad. Trying to keep distracted.

*hugs April and Laura* hope you guys feel better soon :( *hugs*

i wanna go somewhere safe so i can sort my head out without having the chance to hurt myself or someone else. i need to. :(

......