Oh God. I am trying to write my letter for my Grandpa and also editing his eulogy that I am reading. I just want to cry but if I do then I will never make it to the chapel of rest and I have to be there in an hour. I don't know if I can say good bye for the last time. I want him here. He promised he would be there for me and now he's not.

The worst thing is, on sunday night/monday morning about 4am I sat with 'a few' packets of medication, paracetamol, ibuprofen and came the closest I have ever come to trying to kill myself. Then 2.5 hours later he was dead. I don't know, I have this really stupid idea that one of us had to die that night and because I didn't then he did. I know it is stupid but I can't stop thinking about it. Worse thing is, that he would have chosen it to be this way round if he had the option.

Hi emma, thinking of you today, it's so hard feeling you are going to say goodbye for the last time - but your not really - he's in your heart all the time and I know he is looking down on you wishing he could comfort you and be there for you.
It is not your fault that he died, and even if you had taken the stuff it wouldn't have changed anything - it is so sad that you feel that way - grief makes you question all sorts of things and I think there is alwasy the thought of If only I had........then this wouldn't have happened - but the truth is it is out of our power - these things happen and there is nothing we can do to change them.
You are so brave reading the eulogy - don't worry if you are crying it's going to be one of the hardest things you have to do and you should be proud of yourself - your grandad would have been proud of you. I wish he was there to hug you and hold you tight - my thoughts are with you and your nan - take care hun. xxx

haha Katch I love you lots :P I hope it does jam up on her...and spit it out like on the advert ;p

Emma sweety, I wish I had something to say to help....maybe in a way he still IS with you....in your heart and memories and things...I know that might sound daft but maybe you can find some small amount of comfort in it?
He obviously loved you so so much and wouldnt want to see you struggling.
I'm sorry I wish I could help hun....
my phones always on if you need me...you have my number.
Take care of yourself sweetheart.
Love you lots
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm chronically sleep deprived. My husband and I live on different schedules. And Bozo cat did his 4am feed me song. Heck, he even did it in the motel room, pacing along the edge of the bed from my waist to my head and back again.

Our house seriously needs to be mopped, the wood laminate flooring. My husband was good enough to vacuum yesterday. The hatch door to our attic needs to be cleaned, grubby finger prints on the bright white pain.

Emma, you will get through this. Even in your pain and grief you will be able to celebrate his life.

Alexx, don't you hate it when people like that give you trouble. I was once making copies of a government document and the lady at the copy shop gave me a major hard time about the copyright. Uh it is a government document, copyrights aren't an issue.

Crud, I have a headache. I didn't know it until now, my husband has been running the ice maker to clean it out of any trace of fumigant. He just dumped the contaminated ice down the sink, clink crash.

I have plenty of work to do today. I don't mind that at all and it is straightforward stuff.

poooor you :(
*makes your headache go away*

Some people really do need to mind their own business :P
copyright on a goverment document...*tsk*

*hugs* everyone sorry i've not been around, and that i dont have any advice right now but i'm thinking of you all. xxxxx

Take care of yourself hunni
xxxxxxxxxxx

Aww Zowie *snuggles* I'm glad you couldn't OD but I'm sorry she was such a b**ch.

Emma, sweetie, I hope you continue to remind yourself that your granddad would rather you stayed alive hun. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with him and I am sorry for you loss. You are very brave, to do a reading, especially a ulogy.

Alexx you're right, she was way out of line luv.

Susan I hope the clean up isn't too hard on you. Try and remember to take care of yourself too.

Katch, how ya doing sweetie? Hanging in there I hope.

*hugs everyone*

Me? I don't know. I'm exhausted, feeling rather teary, and want to cut, badly:crying:. This sucks...

*hugs everybody*

Wow I haven't really posted today. Not feeling so good today. Went to bed with a headache and woke up with it but ten times worse. So been right ill today and when I got home, I've barely been awake :(

Ugh. I feel crappy for some reason. Stuipd headache. Stuipd tiredness. Stuipd sunburn.

I missed my last lesson woopsie :P Was going home to rest for a couple hours cus of my headache...but stayed in the park ;) Counselling was alright, didn't feel like I said much like I have recently. Probs cus I did see her like Friday hehe, have been all talked out today from my headache...

I'm scared about Thursday =\

lalalalalalalalalalalalala
i am wandering in again and helloooooooooo to all *hugs*
p.s. everybody keeps changing their icons and names and i am getting SO confused
my fragile mind can barely keep up with the world as it is
i keep forgetting things and losing my concentration haha (and running red lights while driving because i forget what they mean oopsies)
anywho i thought i would say that i love you all and i am thinking of you and just say howdy

Hi Callie!
Helen, if I may, a dose of motrin/advil/ibuprofin will help you feel better from your sunburn. The anti inflamitory properties help you skin. Do stay hydrated, make a point of it. This i've learned from experience.

I've cut out two shirts for a client, there was enough of the first fabric to do that. I'll have to measure his second length of fabric. A friend brought over a couple of items for a sailboat that need to be copied and new ones made. My brain is not there so I'll see if I can work on it over the weekend.

It is drizzling here! Goody. This will postpone the fire season by a few days maybe. Come fire season my location may go back to "California Conflagration" like it was last fall.

Now i'm whispering. Had four months no SI as of yesterday May 11. I'm whispering cause it seems too good to be true.

I still talk a lot.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay well done Susan =D

Well I'm 5 days free && counting. Plus haven't taken an OD for a month & a day yeaaaaaaah :D

Yayyyy well done Hells proud of you hunni :)

How's everyone else doing?

I'm doing just great :) well i wasn't earlier but i'm ok now thankfully just very tired so might go bed soon, talking to some councellor for 2 hours has kinda drained me out a bit but oh well lol i'll sure sleep well tonight :)

xxx Emma xxx

LOL thanks Emma =D

I want to feel the pain that I understand

*hugs Katch*

Is everything okay hun? xxx

no and i just dont want to feel this way again

*hugs*

Has anything triggered this off?

why do i not learn - trusting anyone over anything is wrong - you get hurt. If i never hope for anything or ask anythign from anyone then it's safer - but I dont want to live like that - i wanted to trust - I checked and double checked it was OK with them and then they let me down - now I'm stuck I just want to cry and hurt properly not just inside

Yay Helen and Susan (in reference to SI and all that), I'm so proud of both of you :-D

Katch, I understand hunni, and I'm sorry. I wish I had some good advice to offer.

I am SO exhausted and just feeling crap... and I don't want to do it any more:crying: