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Doikers 28-03-2010 03:06 PM

*April , hugs* I Had Greenday on my MP3 Player then it switched to My Ruin , I have almost 1000 ( One Thousand ) songs on it now I just play albums in alphebetical order on it , Theres placebo , Aerosmith , flyleaf , Garth Brooks, Eels .........so many different types .
AND
Yes I order a Superchick album called Beauty from Pain 1.1 , it had stand in the rain on it , it hasn't arrived yet but soon I hope , I got it from here www.Eden.co.uk .

Oh and April I REALLY Like your current Avatar , you change them often but this one is kinda dark but good :-)

*Off for another walk so as to not cut*

Doikers 28-03-2010 04:29 PM

Ugh Had a Anxiety attack in the supermarket , dropped basket , ran out , leant against a wall , gathered myself went and retreived my shopping paid for it , came back to my flat as fast as I could and cut , I was just so anxious , it's not the first time I've paniced in that shop . Crowds , I don't do well with crowds , I can get really freaked out over the smallest thing but I don't even know what triggered it this time ........

Kahlia1981 28-03-2010 05:32 PM

*huggles everybody*

I just woke up after a really nasty nightmare. It's 2:25 am and I'm hoping that I can get back to sleep. I might have to wake up my house-mate yet... but I hope not.

April: Thanks. I see the pdoc later on today, so I expect he'll up the dose of the topiramate (topamax). That should lift my mood a bit more, and as I'm currently on the lowest dose, at least there is scope for change. I had a fairly okay day yesterday actually, thanks for asking. Oh, and another song that would be appropriate at the moment would be:

"Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
No more denying, I got to face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand my ground"

*huggles all, pats Puppy SinClair and then retires to bed*

Doikers 28-03-2010 05:44 PM

*Hugs Kahlia* I hope you manage to get back to sleep :)

Scarletdreamer 28-03-2010 07:16 PM

Awh Mark *cuddles* I'm sorry that you had an anxiety attack & cut... I understand though, as I have an anxiety disorder as well and get panicky. I don't think cutting works to calm me down though, but I'm not sure. I hope that you took good care of the injury. Your music sounds awesome :D and I'm glad that you ordered a Superchick cd... it will be good for you to listen to their music I think. ;) How are you feeling now?

Kahlia *gentle hugs* I'm sorry that you had such a bad nightmare... hopefully you can get back to sleep... maybe have a mug of tea? with honey and lemon, and maybe that will relax you enough to get back to sleep. Just a thought... :) It worked for me sometimes when I would get insomnia and just couldn't sleep.

Mark, thanks for the compliment on my avatar. :) I know I switch them often :o but I think I will be keeping this one for awhile, as I really like it too. There's another Goth-y one that I have that I really like, so I might switch it to that one next... I have over 100 avatars (I think) alphabatized on my PC. :) Have collected them for aaages.

I'm really tired. Had a good lunch, didn't want to purge for a change (!!), went target shooting and did a pretty good job if I dare say so myself. :) Am listening to Vivaldi now and need to read up some soc for my exam TOMORROW :( as I have hardly studied at all for it. Ugh. I feel so stupid!! because I can hardly focus on anything. And uni seems so... I don't know, distant, I guess. :(

*hides*

Doikers 28-03-2010 07:35 PM

Hey April , you seem to have had a busy day , I hope you have been enjoying yourself target shooting and stuff . I ...Well I'm feeling ok which is weird for me as I've been flat or anxious for what seems to me to be a long time , not sure how to re-act to feeling ok , it's a (not unwelcome) prediciment . I hope I'm still ok when I wake up tomorrow .*Hugs*
I'm drained from all the anxiety earlier I don't want to DO anything hmmmmm

CrazyHayley 28-03-2010 09:00 PM

Hello my fellow inmates! *hugest loving supportive group huggles!!!*

I made it out to Spritiualist Church for the first time this year, so I'm feeling rahter wiped out but pleased that I made it and could send out healing prayers to a lot of people, it makes me feel that at least I'm trying to do something positive.

I need to update my journal but I'm too shattered to do it now, but it's because of a phonecall I had with my father yesterday and what I've posted him today. The truth of the past 12years will finally be out in the open. I hope that I've done the right thing. I guess I'll know from my father & co's reaction in a few days. If not...**** 'em...right?! I wish I'd been able to get online yesterday though after speaking to him, I was having a fag and really missing you guys. Eoghan was doing his best to comfort me, but I don't know....he sympathises with me, understands to an extent, but sometimes I don't need words, but I just need to know that someone out there knows EXACTLY how I'm feeling, won't try to fix me, but will just hug me, even if its just a virtual hug. Does that make sense?!

Sorry for no individual replies but it was a busy day that I missed and I'm far too wiped out to go through them all, but I did read all of your posts and am thinking of you all and wishing everyone peaceful dreams and safe days whatever time zone you happen to be in!

*goes out to smoking shelter before toddling off to bed*

nicole94 28-03-2010 09:14 PM

hey guys, *hugs* hope your all feeling as ok as possible? ive had a good weekend :D but not im feeling......bleurgh. i wanna cut. but i know i shouldnt....

MammaMia 28-03-2010 10:44 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Scarletdreamer 28-03-2010 11:33 PM

*cuddles all*

I'm not feeling great. Really anxious. :(

Jarrod's car's battery went low, for no apparent reason. My dad had to come & jumpstart it... don't know if it will start tomorrow to get him to work, and if not, then I'll have to arrange for my dad to pick me up on his way in to campus (he teaches where I go) so Jarrod can drive my car. It's so... anxiety provoking, and I don't know why. :'( I feel like such a ****ing wimp.

I want to cut, too. And I know it would be deep, and bad. I see the social worker tomorrow and I'm scared... don't want to be honest with her. And a friend of mine thinks that my old therapist, the one that hasn't contacted me in nearly 2, or a little over 2, months (forget now how long it's been), gave up on me - even though she said she wouldn't. :crying: That hurts to even think about... I don't want to be considered "chronic" and a "failure of a client" ...

*hides in the dark with Puppy Sinclair*

MammaMia 29-03-2010 12:01 AM

*cuddles April*

SoMuchMore 29-03-2010 12:20 AM

*cuddles everyone* sorry no individual responses right now.. there have been like 3 pages since i last posted... but i read all and have been thinking of you guys.

Confronted my ex about the cheating... He said he didnt tell me b/c he was trying to protect me... I dont really think thats a good excuse though.. Anyway, i wasnt overly hostile or anything. The only thing that i said that could be construed as mean was that i dont like this girl and that i didnt think that the both of them cheating was a healthy way to start out a relationship.

I know that i didnt do anything wrong... but i just keep asking myself, what makes her so much better than me. Thats stupid tho, i know thats a dumb question to ask but the answer is probably nothing. *sigh* I'm just angry and confused. Ive been friends with him for 7 years, we dated for 4... idk how to not be friends with him... but i hate him...

I can't wait to get out of this town. 1 year.

MammaMia 29-03-2010 02:07 AM

*cuddles Laura*

A thread's really got on my nerves. So quick to judge. Sure people would be the same with me if I hadn't lost her. Despite it being through -thatword- :/ *sit and rocks*

Kahlia1981 29-03-2010 05:44 AM

*hugs everyone*

I got back to sleep and woke up about 5 minutes before my alarm went off this morning. Made it to my pdoc appointment. He was running late so I managed to get in a quick fag before seeing him. He's upped my topiramate. He agreed with my logic and could see that I was better - and hear it in my speech. Then walked to the bus stop - missed the first bus home so waited for the next one. Got off across the road from the pharmacy. And walked home. We just had a friend over for a while which was good. We also walked up to a shoe store and I managed to find a nice pair of sandals for $75. In this shop that's cheap. But I do have very unusual feel and, because of my allergies, have to be very careful.

Anyway, I've pretty much done everything that I had to do today. I'm still feeling kinda blah. Perhaps a bit meh ... I actually had to walk away from my friend and housemate before. They were talking about rape and I started to get a flashback so I just walked away. Thankfully I was in the kind of place where I could do that.

I really don't feel all that crash hot right at the moment. But hopefully things will start to settle shortly.

*cuddles everyone then disappears into a dark corner*

Doikers 29-03-2010 02:26 PM

Laura , not telling you because he was "protecting" you is a lousy excuse , I'm sorry .*Hugs*
April, did you get to meet your social worker today ? how did it go ? I hope it went /will go well for you.*Hugs*
*Hugs Kahlia and Helen*

I'm triggered , it's frustrating because I felt kinda ok last night . I've tried Music , going for a walk being online and I end up still being triggered ugh .sorry . perhaps I'll have a bath that might help.


Oh OHHH! April My new Superchick album arrived today ,I really like it :)

CrazyHayley 29-03-2010 02:39 PM

*GROUP HUGGLE!!*

I've slept lots but as it is when my M.E is bad, sleep does not refresh or restore me and the fatigue I feel craves my body to rest more. I'm used to it and I know why I have my bad times, its just bloody annoying that I feel ill on my sane days. I don't have many sane days in a month, it would be rather nice if I could make the most of them. I'm not even much use to you all in here at the moment as my brainfog gets in the way of doing individual replies.

I plan on resting more, perhaps dying my hair if I feel up to it, its about 2weeks overdue and looking a state, but if I'm too poorly to go out - what does it matter? Maybe I'll feel more with it this evening, M.E symptoms can change as quickly as the weather so I've learnt to take things hour by hour.

'til later then my lovely chaps and chappesses!

*toddles off to smoking shelter to look at the beautiful spring flowers blooming...oh and to have a fag or two of course!*

MammaMia 29-03-2010 03:25 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Sounds like a mixture of good & bad Kahlia.

Doikers, try keep fighting the urges

*big squishes for Hayley* Hope your ME settles down soon sweetheart.

Scarletdreamer 29-03-2010 05:50 PM

What does ME stand for? *is confused*

*cuddles all*

My SW appt went okay... no hospital for now, although she seemed concerned when I said that I was a cutter... and I am planning on cutting ASAP because I really wanted to this morning but couldn't (didn't tell her that bit though). It was a bit weird though as she didn't even make me contract to be safe until our next appt (next Monday). So yeah. :-/

I'm really exhausted. Just want to feel better, or die. I want to be elsewhere. But I did get some uni work done, which is good...

*hides in the dark* :crying:

MammaMia 29-03-2010 06:01 PM

The following content has been hidden - Reason : What is ME...
Myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME) is characterised by a range of neurological symptoms and signs, muscle pain with intense physical or mental exhaustion, relapses, and specific cognitive disabilities. Early reports dating from 1934 described epidemics of the illness (see Research Publications on ME epidemics for more information) — such as the 1955 outbreak at the Royal Free Hospital in London — but nowadays it is more common for endemic (sporadic) cases to be identified. ME is classified by the World Health Organisation as a neurological illness (International Classification of Disease 10: G93.3).

The cardinal symptoms of ME are profound, generalised post-exertional loss of muscle power (fatigability); muscle pain that may include tenderness and swelling; and neurological signs. Patients are also prone to relapses which may take the form of recurrences of the original systemic illness, or fresh episodes of muscle weakness, neurologic changes or well-defined cognitive problems. As with many chronic illnesses, fatigue may be present, but in ME patients the fatigue is post-exertional, often delayed, and quite unlike the ‘fatigue’ experienced by healthy people.

The cause of ME is still unknown, but there is unlikely to be one single causative agent. Several early epidemics appear to have been triggered off by an outbreak of an infection with enteric organisms or poliovirus which then subsided, and many patients report an infectious onset to their illness. However, in others, there may have been a variety of contributing factors — infectious, traumatic, environmental and endogenous — all of which can lead on to a condition which shares a set of common symptoms.

Scarletdreamer 29-03-2010 06:28 PM

Thanks Hels. *cuddles*

I spy a Mark!! :)

I just cut... and not in a good place. :-/ It's fine, but I'm a little worried what my NP is going to say about it tomorrow. Oh well. :-S

*hides*


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