*cuddles everyone*

My housemate and I went out yesterday afternoon to meet up with a friend of mine that I met in the psych ward. We met up in the city and had an okay time.

No-one, except for my housemate, seems to realise the depth of depression that I'm sufferring through at the moment. The crisis team were discounting it by saying I should be happy that I have absolutely no hallucinations of any kind now the meds are at the right level. Meh. So over everything.

Just want to curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out. :(

*head/desk*
well the va emailed me back... now i have to call the va clinic in the hosp. and see if they actually enrolled me in their health program or if they gave me the vic just so i could use the hospital on base... then i have to have them set me up with an appointment with a gp... then i have to get referred to their mhs... so a lot more waiting in store for me...
par for the course as far as the va/i are concerned... they screw me over a lot. but its the only thing i can afford to do medically. go figure.
april i'm gonna pm u.

*cuddles April* its ok, I know that no one can give me an answer to whether I should come out to her or not, I'm just sort of thinking on RYL and getting thoughts down instead of them being in my head, she is 16, nearly 17 so a couple of years younger, yeah 80% is really good, its an A over here and she needs to get all A's as she wants to go on and do medicine. Its always best when the day that is cancelled is your worst day.

*cuddles Crimson* putting a tattoo design together sounds like a good idea. sorry you've got to do a lot of waiting for appointments and stuff, I'm in a similar position with waiting for appointments, it sucks.

*cuddles Laurastar* its horrible when roads aren't gritted and even worse when stuff isn't cancelled. I think it would be a good idea to open up to your bf, he cares so he'll want to be there for you.

*cuddles Kahlia* sorry the crisis team aren't being very understanding.

I'm so fed up and hacked off at the moment, 3 hour rehearsal on music that sounds awful and gives you a headache, then get a text from flatmate saying they have just decided to go to a concert so we can't have tea until much later, so I'm really hungry and annoyed with a headache.

thank you for the cuddles. checking in. was able to stay home today because of the snow storm. we have about a foot of snow so far and more on the way. my eye is twitching. i hate it.

sometimes i feel like such an outsider here which i suppose is because i don't post a lot. i post when i need to and i help others when i think someone could really use a friend.

maybe its because of the time difference between me and all of the UK peeps. i dunno.

i have no more excuses to not go into intensive treatment. i don't want my job anymore so i just have to take off some time (which will be paid) and hope it helps.

thanks again.

*cuddles everyone*

*cuddles everyone*

Oliver, I think she - your sister - is old enough to take the thought of you coming out pretty well... of course I don't know her but that age is usually pretty open-minded. I'm sorry that you have to wait for tea, & that you have a 3 hour rehearsal (that would drive me bats!! I have no idea how I stood orchestra for so long!!). Anyway... how are you feeling now? ♥

Crimson, the tattoo is lovely. :) Did it come out the way you wanted it to? And I'm sorry that the VA is screwing you over... but at least it's better than nothing, right? I agree, a lot of hoops to jump through to get care... it's kind of stupid, I think. But oh well.

Quiet1, I understand the feeling of being an outsider all too well... but don't worry about the time differences, I'm from the States as well & whilst it's a bit odd knowing that there's a 5+ hour time difference (I'm EST, so it's 5 hours for me), it works out. For me, at least. :) Hopefully you can connect to some of us more in the next few weeks instead of just dropping in randomly. Not that that's bad, you know, it's just that it's hard to get to know someone if s/he isn't around much. *more cuddles*

How is everyone else doing?

I'm really tired, want to purge as we just ate supper (although it was yummy)... grrrr. Want to get on WoW and read at the same time, so don't know what to do... lol, what a huge decision to make!! :P

I'm scared that some of the uni work I sent in earlier is rubbish. I'm trying to figure out a senior seminar paper to write & I can't seem to settle on a topic. It's so annoying!! And we are in groups in that class, & my group consists of two sorority girls who knew each other (well) before they knew me. So I feel really alone & out of it... I hate that. :( It sucks. And I can't complain to too many people at my uni about that because they might know these girls. ARGHHH!!!!! :(

*hides for awhile in the denial tent*

thanks april :) i'm still tweeking it a bit and then to find the time to get it done... too much this weekend so maybe thurs or fri? or next week? i dunno. we'll see when i have time.
and yes it is better than nothing. and between tweeking that tat image and reading it keeps my mind off of things most of my non work day...

*cuddles everyone and then disappears into the denial tent to pretend all is well and stop crying*

*cuddles April* yeah I agree she will probably be ok with it, but I'm still terrified about it, I'll see if a good moment comes up over the weekend and play it by ear.
I'm sure your uni work wasnt rubbish, I think we all think our own work is rubbish compared to everyone else's but actually it turns out to be ok. I'm sorry you feel alone in your group in classes, I know what thats like and its really not nice.

*cuddles quiet1* is ok for you to pop in when ever you want, there are quite a lot of people from the US and other places, but times often overlap.

*cuddles Crimson*

I've had tea now so all cool, but slightly annoyed at flatmates for still calling me old name, even though I've told them to call me Oliver, but I can deal with it at the moment, its just irratating. Really looking forward to Saturday as got the trans group again, so I can totally be me with no worries and everyone calling me Oliver and male pronouns so thats good, just need to get through the next 2 days.

*hugs april* I'm sure your uni work was not rubbish. And its really horrible working with a group that you feel outside of. that always seems to happen to me, i hate it. Hope the rest of ur evening was good.

*hugs oliver* I'm sorry that your flatmates are annoying u. U could try talking to them very seriously if they continue.. U should be able to be whoever you are especially when ur at home. Sounds like u have a good time at ur trans group. Glad u have that support.

*hugs quiet1* im from the states too, so don't feel too much like an outsider in that regard.

*hugs crimson* sorry the va is not being as helpful as u want them too. But as april said, its better then nothing.

*cuddles kahlia* It really feels bad when people dont believe that you are having issues or that there is no reason for u to have them. I'm sorry people arent listening/trying to understand.

So much work so little time. Way stressed out tonight. I didnt talk to my bf yet.. we went to dinner tonight but it was just a nice break from everything else and i didnt want to spoil it... so the serious talking will just have to wait.

Hi all *waves*

*big hugs for everyone*

My housemate and I did quite a lot of walking today. We got the council travel subsidy cards that we are eligible for and it cost us less than half the price to travel home as it had to travel in to town.

I also found that the local uni library has several copies of the report and full findings of the Inquiry into our Ward 10B debacle. I'm thinking of heading out there next thursday when I'm finished at the hospital.

Ah, the things that keep my brain amused .... they are indeed disturbing.

My mood is still crap. Not helped by the fact that it's raining. And it's now 6:00pm and I got out of bed at about 4:30am. Meh.

*cuddles everyone then disappears into the darkness*

Gahh I feel so dumb... :(

I am not doing too well in my advanced counseling techniques class... it's so hard & there's so much to do. I hate it. It's very interesting & not like any other class I've taken before, but I wish that I could just be done with the semester & not have to do all of the busywork. :(

Sorry, can't respond right now, am too frustrated with self. :( Just want to die... am so sick of life... but do I REALLY want to die?? or is it my brain playing tricks on me? I honestly don't know & am so ****ing confused about that, about how I "should" and "shouldn't" be feeling... when it's all rubbish anyway. I am so so sick of myself. I hate myself so much.

Anyway.

*hides in denial tent* :(

*hugs everyone*
sorry, there's been so many replies since last time i came on that i can't reply to all of you, but i'm thinking of you all and hoping that you're all feeling better and a bit stronger today *cuddles*

i don't really know how i feel at the moment. i'm just kind of existing. meh.
*hides under a duvet*

What's a duvet?

*cuddles LauraFriend* I understand that feeling, kind of blank & numbish... am I right? kind of at least? :-/

I'm really tired... just spent about half an hour trying to get a laptop connected to the uni wifi... so annoying!! But at least it connected, so I can do my quiz that's due today... ugh. :( I got an 11/15 last time, which really isn't that good. Am angry with myself about that. I WANT to be perfect... but it isn't going to happen.

:crying:

a comforter/blanket if i remember correctly.

*cuddles everyone*

*cuddles everyone*

Duvet is another word for quilt, least here it is :S

Sorry haven't really been talking/posting. Things aren't too great right now. My head is thumping again grrr :(

*hugs helen* its ok that u havent been replying much. Take care of yourself.

*hugs april* 11/15 isnt horrible. Its alright not be be perfect all the time. I know its hard and i know you want to be, but it just doesnt work like like hun. Im sure u already know that... *more huggles* I'm sorry that your mind is being mean to you right now but keep trying to stay strong. Oh and I dont think there is necessary a "should" or "shouldn't" be feeling... it just is what it is. Maybe stop trying to analyze what you are feeling and just be you. And if u need extra support dealing with who you are at the moment, then its not bad to go and try to get some. Keep talking and fighting.

*hugs laurafriend* hope you are alright.

*hugs crimson*

Just got back from my psych class, we talked about social anxiety disorder.. aka me in a nutshell... and my stupid anxiety took over. I mean I was sitting there thinking that everyone must be able to see that I am a complete screw up and that they are thinking about how ugly/stupid/ridiculous i am. I know that nobody was probably doing that... but yeah, it all got triggered by the fact that she started lecture with asking if anyone thought they knew someone with social anxiety and only like 3 ppl raised their hand.. me one of them (i shouldnt have even bothered but normally she just asks and then drops it) but no, today she was like can you guys explain what it is like for that person... A few tried... I couldnt speak, I wouldnt even look up from my notes. I could just feel my professor hating me for it... and then all hell broke loose in my mind for the rest of the hour and a half class. Am home now, going to go back to sleep for a bit i think. Then off to another horrible class. *sigh*

Just quietly checks in for the duration of the Chinese New Year.
I watched everyone else here deal with Christmas while I just worked through it and didn't notice. Now it's my turn to be alone while everyone else is celebrating with their family. And I can't see my counsellor for 2 weeks.
Curls up in the corner and chews teddy bear's ear.

Such.a.failure.

*cuddles everyone then disappears into a dark corner to cry*

*cuddles Kahlia and hands some tissues*