*cuddles mark*

*Cuddles Heather*

*Spots and Hugs Crimson*

*hugs heather*
*hugs mark*
*hugs crimson* hehe

I'm going to BBQ with my siblings and dad. erm... I'm not a fan of BBQs cause I'm a vegetarian and they are all going to eat meat. I prepared some mushrooms with garlic butter and zucchini with olive oil and salt&pepper. yum.

*Hugs Laura* That does sound nice hun :)

*spies mark and crimson and glomps*

*hugs everyone else*

that sounds nice Laura. I went mental at a guy at work once for cutting my bagel with a knife he'd just used to cut ham, & he refused to clean it. I still get stressed when i think about it now - even though it worked out ok in the end

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Mara* you are well within your rights to be mad at that guy :/

*hugs Doikers*
I'd be pissed off too Mara!
That sounds yum Laura. I haven't eaten dinner yet and now I'm hungry lol
I'm a vegetarian too :)
I hate it when people call themselves vegetarians but they eat fish or eat chicken...it's like wtf? How does that work?

Oh I get that same pet peeve Mrs Sam !

*hugs all*
The food was good. I ate more than usually so that's good I guess.
Earlier today I had the best experience in ages. Went for a trail ride with 2 other girls and we went to bath in the river... with the horses of course. Then there was a part where the water was really deep. And my horse went there and swam. With me on top and it was very very awesome. I love my horse.

!YEY! Laura :)

*hugs mark*
Do therapists always look at people as if they care?

Never been to a Therapist, Laura , But My Psychologist and P doc seem to care :)

that's cool.
My psychotherapist keeps looking at me as if she cares. But I'm sure that she's trying to manipulate me, so she doesn't really care after all.

I'm vegetarian too; used to be vegan but it was more of an ED thing. And I was thin then. And now I'm back to veggie and I've got fat again. Meh. But as long as I'm not eating anything dead it's ok I guess.

Laura - I sooooooooo want to go swimming with a horse, and ride on the beach and all. I've been to Germany before but want to go back. I went to Koln/Cologne. :-) At Christmastime - the markets were awesome.

*hugs Mark* I'd be pretty pissed over that too.

*hugs MJ* I haven't been at a beach with my horse, cause we don't have any beaches here (south germany). Did you visit the dome in cologne? It's huge.

*Hugs MJ*

*Hugs Mark*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Julie*

*Hugs Mara*

*Hugs Mrs Pan*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Ian*

*hugs mark* your up late... or early.. lol. You okay?

Am Tired Laura , How are you?

aw im sorry. *hugs*

Im okay. Said goodbye to one of my best friends tonight. Goodbyes are rough.

Yeah , they really can be *Hugs*

*hugs Ian*
*hugs Mark*
*hugs Laura* goodbyes are rough but so important.

*Hugs Laura*

*hugs mark* how are you today?

Tired Laura, I went back to bed but slept fitfully, How are you hun? *Hugs*

*hugs mark* sorry you didn't sleep well.

I just realized that I'm a control freak. urgh
Otherwise I'm fine.

*Hugs Laura* why would you think that hun?

*hugs mark*

because almost everything I'm doing is because I'm trying to get some sense of control. Like: SH, not eating, not taking my meds.

the cutest little bird just cashed into my window. i think it went into shock. its sitting on my palm now. not moving, just looking around. very cute. i just hope the cats are staying away... lol
going off to save the birds life now. cya later

awh , little bird:) Take care of it Hun :)

*curls up in the corner*

*hugs Lucy* how are you?

*Hugs Lucy if okay* Whats up ?

*Hugs Laura* How was the bird?

*hugs mark* how are you?
the bird sat on my hand for 10min or so and then it flew away. I took a pic of it. Going to try and convince my stepdad that he NEEDS to upload the pic then I'll post it. (had to use his camera, cause I forgot mine last weekend)

awh thats cool Laura :) *Hugs* I'm in a bit of a blur today

*hugs mark* maybe you need mind glasses. lol

I just had coffee and didn't eat much so I'm a bit high on caffeine.

Caffeine is pretty good isn't it? *Hugs Laura* Mind Glasses , you want to patent that idea!

*hugs mark* i love caffeine.The only negative side effect is that my thoughts are extra fast, so: no caffeine for me when I'm having negative thoughts.

Yeah, sure. I wanna patent Mind Glasses.
'When the mind goes blurry: Mind Glasses and you can think clear again.'

Hehe Thats Brilliant Laura ! *Hugs*

Yes You don't want to be bombarded with negative thoughts.

hey everyone, sorry I havn't been around the internet is still not sorted at my new flat, but it should be done tomorrow (I hope anyway)

How is everyone? *cuddles for all who want them*

I'm not doing to good, told my counsellor about my suicide plan as I have a date and now I'm angry with myself for telling her as she has to ring my GP and they will put in place things to stop me.
I also got homophobically abused in the toilets in town today, so I feel pretty ****. plus I have some weird head and faceache thing which is making me feel dizzy and faint.

I'm sorry Oliver .
**** homophobics to hell though. Rise above mate.don't bring yourself to their level , everybody has the right to love whom they choose , Seriously.

*hugs Oliver* sorry about the homophocibs. They are just some dumb asses who are very close minded (opposite of open minded).
*hugs Mark*

I just made the huge mistake and googled the numbers that my T wrote as my diagnosis.
Oh... and I just lost about my iPod, or it got stolen. I don't know yet.

*hugs everyone*

*hides under ward bed and cries* :crying:

*hugs MJ* how are you?

* in corner crying her eyes out*

I asked my therapist over an email what he saw when he looked at me. i was just wondering cause i see a horrible person and he says he doesnt. so i asked what he did see.. this is what he said...:

copy of his email : When I look at you I see a female Caucasian in her early to mid-thirties who's of average height; weighs more than is healthy for her; is dressed in a work uniform (because you usually are when you come here), disheveled (not neat and tidy), and unkempt (hair uncombed and often unwashed); walks with her shoulders bowed and eyes on the ground and makes poor eye contact (indicating a poor self-concept, that is, your idea of who you are, and low self-esteem, that is, how well you like who you think that you are); and who hardly ever speaks and when she does speaks so softly that she's hard to understand (again indicating a poor self-concept and low self-esteem).


this was a week ago that he wrote it.. i have been soo upset because one i shower every morning and keep myself clean. Ive talked to him many times about how i never feel clean enough and i sometimes take 2 or 3 showers a day. but at least one every morning no matter how depressed i am.. i can not go with out one. which is an arguement between my husband and i all the time which my therapist and i have talked about many times too.. and for him to say that has hurt me more then what anyone in my life before has done. i trusted him with so much stuff. and its like he completely torn me down when i thought he was suppose to help me.. i feel so betrayed..

am i wrong in my feelings?

ive emailed him back saying all this to him and asking him about it.. he still hasnt responded to me and its been a week.

i wish if he didnt want to see me no more he would have just said that or at least explain to me why.....? what did i do..?

i really really dont feel safe now......

*hugs Michelle*

*Hugs Oliver* I'm sorry about the homophobic comments you got

*Hugs Mark*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Michelle*

*Hugs MJ*

*hugs Ian*

Is there anyone here who dissociates sometimes? I experienced something strange and I'm wondering if I dissociated or if it was something else.

*stand proud* my coworker just called me a bleeding heart. I refuse to take that as a bad thing! I found an abandoned bamboo plant that was dying in an empty office it had no water and the vase it was growing in was full of green slime. I took it to the break room and dumped all the stones out and cleaned the vase, stones and plants (3 sprouts) then reassembled it and put it in my office :) Oh and trimmed off all the dead parts... It's pretty snazzy now.

*hugs everyone* Sorry no individuals at the moment. I've been struggling quite a bit lately so I've just been reading but not commenting :/ I did want to say the above out load though in a manner of speaking.
*loves my wardies*