No Don't die Nicole , we'd all miss you terribly , you WILL get through this week , one day at a time, one hour at a time , heck even one minute at a time you will totally make it . *Super charged Hugs*

*hugs you both.* mark-it's tuesday i'm worried about, if im like this now, what am i gonna be like then?? and laura-no, i cant tell anyone how i'm feeling right now. it would just hurt too much. right, im gonna try and calm myself down with a nice hot bath. byee.

I'm officially pooped , time for bed methinks. *Leaves hugs on the table*

'Nighty night Mark, pleasant dreams. *cuddles and tucks you up*

I've got a stomach ache, ugh. Hate it when this happens, usually does when I get back from my parents' because they make richer food than we do and I almost always overeat. :'(

Am so warm too, even though the apartment is cool. It's hot outside and I'm sitting next to a southern wall... which is pretty warm. Yuck.

I am so tired... don't want to do anything except sleep. :'( I hate being awake, it makes me think about things...

:(

*hugs april* i'm cold! could you package some of that warmth and send it over here?

Mark: I'm sorry you felt the need to cut, and did, look after it well and yourself. *huggles* well done on 6days. This time you'll do better, i'm sure. Rooting for you. *picks up hugs from table and leaves neatly wrapped and labeled pocket bag of magic healing hugs*. I think I should hit the sack too. otherwise i'll regret it when little lady is up at 3 am or something stupid, and hubby's not in until gone 6 tonight, so i'm all on my own *shivers*

Laura: Thank you for that dose of hope, I was in need of that *hugs back* Congratulations on not cutting for over a week, keep it up! *hands you hugs wrapped up in a box of confetti stars and mini champagne bottle bubbles*

Nicole: *comes up to nicole and sits with her* No dying. I don't do nice people dying. You'll be fine. I know it's going to be really hard, but what you need to remember is that it is just a date, numbers in a man-made calendar. I know it brings forth all the memories and feelings, but it's a tie you have to break. I know it probably wont happen for you this year, but one day i promise it will. After 5 years of hell every march it's now been 3 years for me now that the anniversary of the first time I was raped has passed without me noticing until afterwards that maybe I was a little down. It will get better hunny, don't give up on it now. Try looking on it from a different viewpoint, a positive one, counting the years you have been free of the abuse. The years you have survived. The years in which you have won. *gives you a well loved cuddly red polar bear* it's paulie, my friend of 14 years, he's very good at absorbing tears.

JK: Yeah, I'd ask, just to clarify what the meaning was, or why it was asked, a few things come to mind, and one or two are completely innocent and could put your mind at rest *cuddles back* Nice talking with you too. Thank you for leaving me my mink blankie, i was missing this *curls up in a ball* my hubby calls me the compost cat when I do this. I'm struggling... here goes the long answer..


I'm not too bad i guess, feeling tired of life in general. Anxious to do some work on healing me, but life just seems to be getting in the way. I'm so afraid of loosing my daughter if i ask for help, or if i tell anyone what really is going on in my head. I just dont know how to get the time and space i need. I'm afraid of breaking completely. I know i'm on the edge and there's nothing I can do about it. I havn't self-harmed in years, only once every 6-7 months, and I did the other day and I can't stop thinking about it again. I'm under so much pressure with baby, and so much emotional/mental strain from an ongoing police case that i'm afraid i'm just going to snap and be unmendable. *curls deeper into mink blankie* I dont know how to keep going.

wow so many pages
*higs everyone that likes cuddles and yawns*

Hi Julie *cuddles back* that yawn's contagious *yawns and rubs eyes*

i'm going to help these cute little boys with water conferdence is like 10 mins

i need life confidence.


edit: *sigh* just realised how depressive that sounded, then realised it's because I am depressed, which just depressed me further. I should give up and go to bed now. sorry.

*cuddles katnovia tight*

*sinks into julie's cuddle and cries a little*

*rubs ur back and strokes ur hair (only if it's ok to do that i wont if u dont want k hun)*

kat hun i have to go eat then get to the pool but i think ur an amazing person
all the people in this thread are amazing *huggles for all that like huggles*

*cuddles tighter* that's really nice. *sniffles* thank you for the shoulder to cry on and the cuddles.

*cuddles Kat and Julie*

I am watching Dr Who at the moment, so will come back and reply properly when its finished, I'm also trying to warm myself up, its cold outside with only jeans and a shirt on.

*cuddles all, then dashes off to finish watching dr who*

my shoulder is always free for u kat and for any one who needs it and i will grow extras if needed lol i'll grow a million shoulders for u guys k ur so nice and everything

*cuddles julie* you too hun.

*cuddles oliver back* I feel pathetic. All i'm doing with myself is sitting debating wether to go to bed or not. I'm tired, but I know the second my head hits the pillow baby will wake up and i'll have to go and feed her in the lonely dark and then sit by the cotside until goodness knows when. it's not that i resent being with her, its just that I'm tired of never getting any proper sleep when I try and missing the opportunities when I don't try.

me no like when baby hazs gets yp an kat tireded cos kat get upsets an me no get play or talk an get lonly. Rosie

I spy a Hayley, a Kat, and an Oliver!! *cuddles all*

Just ran my hubby through Deadmines, Hayley - 64 unholy death knight (me) and him on his 17-now-18 hunter. :) I was so freaking anxious at the beginning... I hate running dungeons and unholy isn't the best one for running dungeons. Frost is so much better. But anyway... it was in return for the 2 runs I've gotten from him (for my hunter & rogue)... fun. But anyway, how are you doing? did you manage to get some time on WoW last night? *squishes*

Mark, I know you're probably asleep by now - and resting peacefully, I hope - but I wanted to say, before I forgot, that I think you're absolutely incredible for going nearly a week without SI. This is a slip. Try not to let it get you down. Before you know it you'll have gone two weeks, then three without SI'ing. You can make it. :) I have faith in you... in all of us. *cuddles*

Kat *big cuddles if that's okay* I'm sorry that you're not doing too well at the mo... how old is your baby? if you don't mind me asking... I can see why you would be hesitant to go to bed but if you're tired maybe you ought to try and do and see if your baby doesn't wake up... and anyway, at least you might be able to get an hour or so's rest. That might rejuvenate you a bit, I dunno.

Oliver, hope you enjoyed (or are enjoying) Dr. Who. :) I can't wait until uni is officially over... then Jarrod & I can watch more Bones. I love that show but we haven't watched any since, like, January. Heh. I hope they're still up and free online, because I don't want to pay for the DVDs. Lol. Yeah, I'm a cheapskate... How are you feeling? *cuddles* Hope you're doing a bit better than you were last night.

Nicole, love, you'll make it through. I was sexually abused too and while I don't remember when it was, I can understand the meaning behind the date... but it shouldn't be, it's "just another day" - and as Kat said, time will pass and soon it WILL become just another day... and you'll feel vaguely sad... and then realize why, but only after the fact. It's an awful cliché and one that you hear all too often but time DOES heal. *holds you & rocks* How else have you been doing??

Julie *cuddles* I'm glad that you're doing alright - or seem to be alright anyway? - has your day been fun? Hope so... some of us need to be enjoying ourselves to spread the positivity around!! lol. Do enjoy going to the pool. :)

Laura, Kahlia, Crimson, JK, how are you all doing?? JK, sorry it doesn't seem like I'm responding to your post, it's just that I can't remember all that you said!! I would ask your therapist why s/he asked you that question though... because if you're able to hold down a fulltime job etc. without having too many difficulties then I don't see why s/he would ask that question. :-/ Sorry if that didn't make too much sense...

I hope I didn't miss anyone and if I did I really do apologize... my brain is all muzzy from the anxiety right now and typing is helping... so I think I'm just gonna keep typing!! lol. It's a way to get out the jitteriness without me moving physically (other than my fingers, of course).

The Deadmines run was really anxiety-provoking, didn't think that I could do it but I did, with only a minor blooper that was easily fixed. :-/ And I will definitely send you some of that warmth, Kat!! it's too hot over here for me. :-X Especially without a/c.

Umm, I can't think of anything else to type except the fact that I might be going into a mixed episode, I really don't know. (I'm bipolar II or NOS, not sure which, for those who don't know.) I don't WANT to go into a mixed episode because then I'm low enough to want to die and have energy enough to carry it out. :( I can feel the tension building though... if I can only make it through this week... :-S Finals - need to prep for them - and that dumb soc paper, really need to write that. Got a page done but that's not good enough... need at least nine pages. Plus the health psych paper... GRRRR!!!! :'(

*hides in a hole where no one can find her*

*cuddles Kat* it must be tough getting so little sleep because of your baby, what is there name?

*is still chilly, I'm sure there must be a fire in here somewhere, goes in hunt of one*

*cuddles April* yes dr who was good and next weeks looks amazing.
could you send me some of your warmth too, was sat outside having a drink with a friend in Canal Street, and forgot it gets cold in the evening and was only wearing shirt and jeans and am still trying to warm up.

I'm sorry you feel like you might be going into a mixed episode, even though I don't have bipolar I know what you mean with the feeling low enough to die, and having enough energy to do it, it really sucks, keep going hun, you an get through this, we're all here to support you
good luck with your upcoming finals