I'm still really scared to leave my house, but tonight I'm going to a friend's place. I wish there was an easy way to leave this sudden hit of agoraphobia behind me somewhere, preferably where I'll never pick it up again.

*makes coffee for anyone who wants one, hugs everyone who can accept hugs and then disappears into the smoking shelter for a bit*

*hugs you lots*

*Hugs Helen and Kahlia*
Feel like I need to go back to the hospital. I've got leave for the weekend, but I don't feel safe. x

Thanks for the hugs.

I've just come back home from my friend's place. From leaving here it was basically one big panic attack. Since getting home I haven't been able to stop crying, except for when I purged. I really wish this would end, I just don't know how to make it.

Sorry, you all don't need to hear my petty problems.

*hugs Helen and zowie and anyone else who wants or needs hugs*

*sneaks back in and hides under the bed again, crying :crying:*

*hugs Helen zowie and Kahlia and anyone else that feels the need for some big warm cuddling* ^ sounds like your having a tough time, wanna chat about it? zowie if you feel unsafe then take yourself back to hospital, they wont mind if you explain *more hugs for everyone*

Decided to stay at home and get drunk. Probably a bad idea when I feel so unsafe, but I need to get drunk again. x

*hugs the three of you*

I.really.can't.go.on

I dunno what to do anymore you know?

*hugs Helen*

I know what you mean. I feel like I can't go on either.

I went up to the hospital today ... partly of my own free will (my friend drove me up there and wouldn't let me leave immediately even though I said that I didn't want to go in the first place). I was the only psych patient there, and from the moment I arrived until I got to a point where I couldn't stand it anymore the Psych Intake and Assessment nurses went on a lunch that was over an hour long.

When we left I told the triage nurse why I was going and that I felt like I was going to try and do something dangerous (like OD). She got all panicky but could see that I was freaking out and needed to get out of there.

I've been dealing with voices since this agoraphobia started, including the voice that whenever she is around signals something bad happening. And she is damn strong right now. The other two that I'm hearing (Adam - who calls himself aziraphale because he pretends to be an angel -, and Stephen) are subservient to her.

Things are just not good. Is there an easy way out of here ?? {Other than the ones I can think of, which I can't do because I made promises to people that I trust that I wouldn't do them.}

*cuddles up to a stuffed animal under the bed while crying*

Oh sweetie, you must find everything really really hard *massive snuggles*

I wish there was an easy way out, nothing seems to be working....

I have to stay alive all of this week (eurgggh) but I guess it'll be worth it when I can see Emma and believe me I haven't seen her in person since flipping June, so she's worth it A LOT & she's my best friend of course :P

Then after then....I might feel better? Doubt it. =\ I don't think I can go an entire week without harming. I actually had a dream I had blades and I cried when I woke up, because I want some so fricking much and don't have any!!! >.<

Thanks for the snuggles Helen *snuggles you right back*

I've had a dream about having blades as well. I actually asked a friend today whether I could grab a scalpel and tried to convince him that I wouldn't use it. He didn't believe me, and in my moments of rationality I can see why. And then J (a voice) kept yelling at me to grab one off of a nurse. That would be just what I need an ITO.

Last night I dreamt that I had scalpels and cut myself ... and woke up in a panic because I thought I had actually done it.

I've written an email to my pdoc. Hopefully he will have some sort of suggestion of what I can do. I just have to wait for 13 to 15 hours to find out.

*goes back to hiding under the bed cuddling a stuffed animal*

*snuggles you both* seems like this weekend is full of hard times hang on in there though, when it seems like you've hit rock bottom the only way is up *snuggles some more and hands out chocolate*

*hugs you lots more* Wow, seems like we shared a similar dream. I'm glad you weren't given a scalpel. I don't blame you for waking up in a panic hun *snuggles* Hope your pdoc emails soon :)

*snuggles you* Yeah I think it is a very hard weekend. I don't want to come back up :( *snuggles some more*

Right a favoruite film of mine, chitty chitty bang bang is on now :) Care to watch with me? :D Then it's going to be followed by Harry Potter & Goblet of Fire

*runs around making popcorn, and grabs her duvet and all the other goodies*

*snuggles Helen* movies! yay! *grabs goodies and settles in to watch*

*snuggles back*

Wow today I've managed to watch 2 films, X Factor, some news and I'm doing well.

Still want to watch the repeat of Xtra Factor, Katie & Peter, Holby City and 2 x Moving Day :]

I guess that's true ... the only way is up, I just don't know how to get there. And I don't know if I want to .... It would be nice to just stop.

I haven't heard from my pdoc yet. I hope he has something that can help because I'm losing it.
:Emoticon(14):

*hugs everyone then disappears into the smoking corner*

*enters room, hoodie up, hat down starts punchin wall*

I need help, but dont know what to do.
My last experience of hospital was not good and so this place seems an appropiate place to try, figure stuff out.

*stops hittin wall, collapses in bean bag corner*

Went back to the hospital but they had given my bed to someone else so I had to come home for the evening. Going back today at some point, hopefully they'll have a bed for me again. x

*hugs to Helen Kahlia and zowie* i want sleep *wraps self in a blanket and huddles on the sofa*

They still don't have a bed for me. They told me I could come back today, so why haven't they got a bed? They're going to discharge me tomorrow and I'm NOT ready. x

Zowie, that is digusting =\

*hugs everyone tightly*

I just don't want to wake up tomorrow morning tbh.