oh, and updated r/v...

feel so stupid. :'(

*hugs lindsay tight*

*hugs crimson* glad to hear that today is better than yesterday so far.

*hugs hayley* We miss you in here too, but I know that i like hearing that you are doing well. So feel free to post whenever you want/have time.

*hugs april* I hate phone calls too.. Its good that you are trying to see the therapist more than once every other week though. Sorry to hear that you are triggered and that sleep did not help. It doesnt always help me either, or sometimes it helps a bit but not enough to stop anything.
EDIT:
Oh.. and I read your thread in the ED forum. April, hun, you are important and deserve support. No matter how long your problems have lasted it does not make you any less deserving. (i wouldve responded in there but i dont use the ED forum so.. yea)

As for what you asked about me. I don't know if different is good or bad, both kind of i guess. Some aspects of life are easier like this, but I also feel guilty about other things, like I am abandoning or giving up on something that I am not supposed too. SI stuff is there. I'm following through on my "SI plan" that I made when I was at home a few weeks ago. It hides it well. I guess its bad b/c i'm hardly trying anymore. I mean i say that I am fighting the urges and i make it through a night maybe, but the next day i'll give in. I used to be cutting only about 1 or 2 times a month, not several times a week. So much has been happening lately though.. and if a lot is happening in the outside world, then 300x more things are going on in my head.

Just thought I'd copy and paste from an email I got since it was funny to me... thought we could all use a laugh.

Woohoo! I just found out that Flyleaf is having a free concert tomorrow night downtown! I might even be able to go! *squeals in excitement*

^ jeaaaalous =p

i getta see friend AND 'my kids' [triplets at church] tomorrow :)

i spys laura :)

iwantsleep :(

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't been very talkative. *hugs* I'm making vain attempts to get my life in order and it's left me feeling rather tired and unsocial. I'm up to the part where I get to sit around and wait for a few weeks.

i spy a mark!! *glomps* how're things going? tonight's the biggish night isn't it? :( i'm sorry that you have to keep your happy mask on... wish you could feel like you could be honest how you feel... because i know how hard it can be to have a mask up like that. anyway...

*hugs jess* it's okay you haven't been very talkative, have missed you posting though. hope things are going okay - well done for trying to straighten out your life. :) proud of you.

*hugs heather* hope you are doing okay and got some sleep last night... where are you located now? still in new jersey or pennsylvania?

*huggles crimson* yey flyleaf!! free concerts = amazing. :D hopefully you do get to go... let us know and take some pics if you do!! :D

i'm really quite tired. i have no idea what time i got to sleep even though i went to bed at 7pm... and i got up at 6am. so it's gonna be a nap sort of day. blah. at least we don't have anything that we need to get done... jarrod's still recuperating from his op so no hikes or anything, dunno if we should even walk into town from here. hmmm. i wonder what we will do today!!

*curls up next to mark and dozes*

So got to my parent's late yesterday afternoon for my parents big 60th anniversay only to be told by my SIster that my Mum had , an hiout previously slipped on the stairs , broke het foot , ruptured her ligament , but NOT dropped the baby , so Mum is in hospital as the Ligament HAS to be opourated on and the party is off .
Being in the hospital triggered me , bought back memouries of an OD years back , *Selfish much*

Ohh Greenday in concert *Flaps in exitement* Enjoy Hayley!!

ANd flyleaf too *Mini Flaps*

*HUGS WARDIES*

awh mark, i'm sorry to hear about your mum!! that sucks... and it's not selfish to have had memories come back about an od you took years ago, that's not the kind of thing you can control (the memories i mean - and sometimes not even the actions). *squishes tight* hopefully the surgery goes well... when are they operating or have they already? :-S

just got on wow for a bit, trying to figure out the whole horde side of things, hah. it's not working too well as i don't have anyone as a friend who knows it very well (i mean irl) that can show me the works. :-/ so yeah. ummm... couldn't focus much either. am anxious, tired still, blah. need to write up stuff for my internship (weekly report for my faculty supervisor and a post to my fellow interns on how it's going). grrrrr!!

*hides in a hole in the warren to cry a little bit out of stress & frustration*

oh, and updated r/v... :(

i spies an oliver and a julie!! *cuddles*

*cuddles everyone who can accept cuddles*
I'm sorry I've been so crap recently with individual replies, when stuff has calmed down for me I shall be in here more and will do replies, but at the moment everything is a bit much to cope with.
my girlfriend is still in hospital, they have now said its a viral infection and she should hopefully be out on Monday. we've been going out a month today so I'm going to go visit her in a bit, she is getting really fed up of being in there and not liking it.
me, I guess I am surviving but only just, I feel so stuck at the moment with everything, my depression is really clouding over me, I just don't seem to care anymore, my room is becoming a mess, the kitchen is a mess, I'm not looking after myself properly, I just seem to be falling apart again and I don't know how to keep hanging on. so very nearly brought some pills the other day, managed to get out of the shop though before I completely freaked.

*hides in a dark corner where no one can find him because he is being pathetic and useless*

I spies April *glomps* *hugs* I'm really sorry about your dog, I don't think your mean for it affecting you so much, a death of a pet is very hard especially one you have had for so long and become so attached to.

*glomps oliver back* :) i'm glad to hear that your girlfriend is going to be out of the hospital soon but it really sucks that it was a viral infection. :( i would be tired of being in hospital too, if i were she... hopefully she feels better soon!! you're not being pathetic or useless, love. please try to not let yourself think things like that... easier said than done i know, believe me, but still... give it a go. you're a lovely person, amazing, strong, talented, clever, fun to talk with, etc. *gentle hugs* i'm glad that you didn't buy the pills... well done for not. :)

and thanks for the reassurances about michael (the dog). i just feel mean for it affecting me more than people i know dying. i mean, how heartless can you get?! :'(

*hides in a hole, away from everyone* :'(

Hey Laura. Yes, I am Lia.

I know it's not a big deal, but my mum is shouting again and I really hate it. She never stops. I guess it could be worse, at least she's only shouting and it isn't directed at me. Sometimes I rather it was though,weirdly, it's easier to deal with when it's me at the receiving end of her shouting and everything.

I feel like crying. I am trying to hold it back because I can't cry. I don't cry. But it's fathers' day tomorrow and I just wish I had someone to give a card to.

I'm going to stop because I am on the verge of tears and I can't let them spill. I think I might go for a walk.

Hope everyone's OK.

*Hugs Lindsey and anyone else that needs it.*

xx

*cuddles lia* you can cry, sweetheart, if you need to. why do you feel like you can't? :( i'm sorry that your mum is shouting... :( that has got to be awful. i can't really imagine as when i was growing up my mum just got quiet - the "silent treatment" - i don't know if i would have almost rathered her yell/scream... probably not, but the silent treatment was awful. i do that every once in awhile now, funny how things get passed down from generation to generation. anyway, that was a ramble, sorry. :(

i feel awful, so anxious, not hungry at all. we're at my parents' place right now (jarrod and i) because i wanted to play "city on our knees" for my dad for father's day on the dulcimer, had been prepping for it for months. it's by tobymac and my bestie said that that was probably the first time it was played on the dulcimer, lol. but anyway... sooo anxious. can't control it. having trouble breathing. :'(

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkcpHVDiAmk[/ame]

love this song, have been listening to it... i think delta goodrem tops britt nicole as my favorite female singer now... lol. sorry for posting so many songs; i hope you guys don't mind. :-S

*hides in the warren*

My Mums having her op right now.
My sisters friends are over ,Twins,non-identical.
does anyone want some strawberrys , merangue and cream that was for the party?

Hugs April, sorry iconfused you, I guess i should have
said it was a rant. It's something I wish I had said to
a freind who girlfreind gave me a hard time yesterday.
Just feel it is a no win sitition. It ened up allong with
other comments yesterday trigging me, didn't cut but
found other way to hurt myself.

*hugs Mark* I'll have some. (how rude does that sound :P)

Crying is a sign of weakness, it lets other people know how much they've hurt you. Anyway, enough about me. I've talked about me too much today, it's selfish and I will shut up.

April, sorry you are so anxious. Is it because you are nervous about playing? I hope you're OK, and it all goes well. Thinking of you.

Oh, and study leave is basically what it says on the tin. We get let out of school while the exams are going on for 'studying' but I hate it, it means being in the house with her.

Although it was funny just now, she was having a go at me as per usual and was making me wash up this glass plate, all the time telling me how useless and dirty I am, and she stabbed her finger on it to demonstrate her point of it needing a wash and I started thinking about how funny it would be if she broke it, but then I had to keep the smile off my face because I don't want to know what will happen if I laugh at her. At least she mainly sticks to the shouting now, even if most of the time, that hurts worse than the stick ever did.

Going on about me again. Sorry. I wish my dad were here.

xx