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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 11:04 PM

Does anyone know what happened to RYUU? I was looking yesterday and the profile is gone :(

Night Mark *cuddles* xx

MammaMia 15-12-2010 11:10 PM

^ She's posting under a different name now I believe, I could be wrong though..

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 11:17 PM

Ah okay. Panic over.

How are you feeling today?

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 11:24 PM

*hugs mark back* ya...time differences do suck. Half the time when I'm on here, nobody else is. Makes it really hard.

Anyway, went to the doc today. I hate him so much he is a dumbass and a bastard. I had a panic attack while waiting thats how much I hate him. Plus he was behind and I didn't get in until like 20 minutes after my scheduled appointment time. Blah. He's the doc that told me, and I quote word for word, "From what you say about your mother, you seem to be more mature than her. But, you need to be more mature about cutting." WTF...who says that!? Especially what doctor says that?!? I have hated him ever since. But I got him to prescribe me sleeping pills. The ****ed up part is, I've made plans with them...

*sighs* I feel like a zombie. I didn't want to sleep last night because of the nightmares. But I couldn't stay awake. I had nightmares again and it doesn't feel like I have slept, but I still had nightmares. I just want it to end...

On one hand I have the plans laid out and the tools I need to set myself free, and I keep thinking it would be the best idea. People tell me suicide is selfish, but I don't agree. I'm only still alive because I don't want to hurt anyone - but deep down I know that me dying would be the best for everyone in the long run. On the other hand, I have done some thinking, and some research, and have decided I want to move. I wouldn't be able to until summer being that our lease doesn't end until then and I am registered for classes for next semester already, though. But if I do stay in school I could transfer because where I want to move to has a branch of the school there and they offer the degree I am considering going after...that is, if I can. And it shouldn't be hard to transfer, being that I'm already a student of the school so to speak. And I have relatives there - might not be the best, because they aren't the closest of relatives, but I think it's better than nothing. Here, I have nobody. I have mentioned wanting to move to my husband...told him why. He shot it down. :( He says that it wouldn't be worth moving - I know it's because he hates moving. I don't know though. Summer is a long ways away. I don't even know if I will be alive tomorrow, let alone then. But, if I am, I'm going. I don't care. If he doesn't want to come, he can stay. But I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle being so isolated, and having nobody around.. *sighs*

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 11:30 PM

Oh poor Kitty :( *hugs* Don't go through with the bad plans, I need you, I wouldn't be better off without you :( I hate doctors like that. Mine is the same. I can't talk to mine about it anymore, he's just a dick and tells me to move out. I can't do that :(

Just please be safe my lovely *cuddles tightly*

MammaMia 15-12-2010 11:34 PM

Sarah, I'm happy, low, tired, ill, worried, itchy & sore lol. How are you today?

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 11:37 PM

*hugs sarah back* I'm trying to not follow through with the plans, but I don't trust myself. Hell I didn't even consciously make the plans to begin with. I just kinda looked at the bottle and the thought came to my mind, and I smiled.

I'm just sure everyone's life would be better if I were not here. I wasn't supposed to be born...I was an accident. I was a soul waiting for a body and well my biological mom accidentally got pregnant and I accidentally got that body, and ****ed up life. I honestly don't know if I will be able to continue school or get a job. My anxiety has been so bad that I just don't know I don't think I can handle it. I just haven't quit school yet because my counselor hasn't said so yet...but I don't know. If I quit school I won't be able to see her anymore. I don't want to apply for disability my mom would disown me. She told me to "never rely on the state". And she is in total denial and doesn't understand what I am going through - she thinks I should just be able to push right on through it and be perfectly fine. And I don't want people having to pay for me to be alive...that's what disability is. It comes out of other peoples pay checks to pay for me to live. I don't want people to have to pay for me. If I died, they wouldn't have to. If I died, nobody would have to spend any more money on me at all. And everyone would be better off in the long run.

I really don't trust myself right now. The thoughts. My mind just keeps telling me to do it - it'll all be over soon, and everyone will benefit.

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 11:44 PM

I just don't know what to do *sits in the corner feeling like shes gunna cry, but cant* I feel so...torn...

MammaMia 15-12-2010 11:49 PM

*hugs Kitty*

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 11:53 PM

*hugs helen back* thanks for the hug.

Sorry for rambling so much...and if I'm triggering anyone...I don't mean to. I just dont know what to do anymore. It feels like I have been chopped in half vertically. :S

MammaMia 16-12-2010 12:13 AM

I've not been able to read your posts much as nothing's really going in. But whatever's happening won't last forever. Sorry I can't support you.

MammaMia 16-12-2010 12:14 AM

Also, rambling is good, better than hurting yourself.

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 12:25 AM

Its ok...just bein here and talkin to me helps -hugs you again-

You ok?

MammaMia 16-12-2010 12:27 AM

*hugs* Don't worry about me. Glad I'm helping a lttle bit.

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 12:29 AM

Hun, its in my nature to worry. I always worry about others more than myself. -shrugs-

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 12:31 AM

Its when I am alone and dont have anyone to talk to when **** really gets ugly.. -shrugs again-

SparkleKitten 16-12-2010 12:35 AM

*cuddles Helen* I keep eating and eating even though I know I need to lose some weight

*snuggles Kitty* I hope you're okay, sounds a lot like whats happening with me. My fiance was just telling me that if I can't work I'll have stuff to do at home and I know I can't because some days I'm so useless... *sigh*

MammaMia 16-12-2010 12:43 AM

I'm sure you don't need to lose weight Sarah. Try eat healthily at least?? *hugs*

SparkleKitten 16-12-2010 12:48 AM

I'm trying but its such a pain at this season. My nurse never mentions it but I'm not 100% comfortable sitting in the top of the overweight band on the BMI chart *cuddles*

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 12:48 AM

I know how you feel. Except, my husband doesn't even say that. He says "You can work, you'll be fine. Everything will be fine." He doesn't understand. He won't try to get a job. He would rather have me work when I don't even think I can than go out and get a ****ing job himself. He is only getting $339 a month through the state while he "tries to apply for social security" even though he is a lot more capable to work than I am, and that's not even enough to cover our rent completely. And it's getting reduced this next month due to cutbacks, so more money from my financial aid will have to go to pay rent along with our other bills, which means by the end of the semester, we probably won't even be able to afford a roof over our heads, just because he won't go get a job. Not even a part time job. I know he could handle it - hell everyone knows he could handle it. He's just being lazy. And when I was in school full time he would bitch about me not doing a lot around the house to help keep it clean and stuff. But all he does, day in and day out, is play on his damn computer. Because "it's his routine".

I want to leave, now. But I can't. I am already signed up for classes for next semester, and if I don't have classes, I won't get financial aid, and won't have money to live on. I can't handle moving back in with my parents. I love them and all but with my mom being in denial, it makes it so hard to bear even being around her.

I am getting closer and closer to wanting to just follow through with my plans. I'm sick of all of this ****. People tell me "oh it will get better". But, when? My life turned shitty when I was 7 years old. That was 15 years ago. Nothing has gotten better, nor does it show any signs of getting better...


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