April *cuddles tight* Glad you had some food, sorry it feels like too much. They only want to help you, hence them suggesting hospital related help. Nightmares do royally suck.

Kat *cuddles tight*

*Hugs Kat, Helen , April*

I'm still here , Just got back from ear accupunctre which was quiet this week , I far prefer it when it's quiet , it promotes a far more relaxing atmosphere . I am still triggered but one part of me really doesn't want to harm and the other side is saying "go on , do it , you know you need it" . I didn't harm last night almost entirely down to April looking out for me and this thread and Felicia chatted to me a bit too .

EDIT: Tomorrow I have to meet with the befriending woman for people with serious mental health issues on my own and I've only met her once and my nurse was there to help me. Am SO anxious.

Then I meet my Housing SW whom I haven't met in 3-4 weeks.....okayish

Then I have to go and hand inmy application form and CRB form to the cyber cafe to become a volunteer as so many people are pushing me that way DR, SW , Nurse *Sigh* I suppose it would get me out and meeting people , thats scares me but I've got to do the form handing over bit first *Mega Anxious*

Then I have to go to my Granny's 80th birthday and "BE HAPPY" in front on the family for an evening and a morning *Sigh*

Thats it for tomorrow heh.

April you are FAR from being selfish or stupid *Hugs*

*Hugs Kat* Your scedule sounds very hectic I hope you cope okay :)

*Hugs Helen* Sorry you had a nightmare Helen .

Erm think you'll find other people also helped you but you continue to ignore their posts of support towards you. Thanks for the hugs though.

*hugs mark* im glad you didn't harm. good luck with everything that you are super anxious about. It'll be alright. Hope that you have a pleasant time at your granny's 80th... I know putting on a mask is hard but, you never know, it could still be a good time, i mean sometimes i am able to mask myself into having a good time.

*hugs april* you are not selfish or stupid. im glad you ate, and helen is right, people are just trying to look out for you with all the hospital talk... i know its scary but i'm sure it really is all with the best intentions.

*hugs helen* im sorry that you had nightmares hun. I had some strange dreams myself last night.. not exactly nightmares but i'm starting to think almost any type of dream can mess with your head.

*hugs kat* its good to see you around and posting. Sorry everything is changing/new right now. Hope that it gets better once you're able to adjust more.

*hugs becca, steph, kahlia, heather, taz, and everyone else*

Sorry ran out of time for more individuals but I will do more later... have to get to class.

Feeling all triggered for no real reason... stupid... so i guess i'm glad i have class to go to where i can't really SI.

Helen , I didn't mean to ignore you , Just my mind is all preoccupied with tomorrow and urges . Please forgive me ?:S

*hugs everyone*
Kat - hope you can focus a bit better later on but don't worry about it for now. :)
Mark - Glad you didn't harm. Good luck with all of your appointments and activities. Might even get to enjoy some of it :)
Laura- Try to have a good time at class
How is everyone?

D agreed I should apply for the job in CA. I finished most of my resume on their website but I haven't taken a typing test in about 2.5 years... need to take another and enter my score. I know I type faster than I used to and I used to type at 39 WPM but taking a new test makes me so anxious I screw it up all over the place and last one I tried online I got 33WPM *face/palm* Might try to go down to the temp agency I took the last one at... Margo lets me sit there and retry till I'm satisfied (as long as its business hours). The job center has typing tests too. We'll see.

Laura, I agree, any kind of dream can mess with your head. Sorry you had strange dreams *cuddles*
Mark, but you keep doing it :/ Just makes me feel pretty worthless :S

*Hugs Helen if Okay* I SO didn't intend to make you feel worthless , I like you and okay, I messed up but I am truely sorry , Give me another chance , I'd HATE to have to lose you as a friend :S

*cuddles everyone*

Hels, I'm pretty sure that Mark didn't do it on purpose, he's not that kind of guy. But I can see both sides, how you'd feel worthless too, even though - as I've told you before - you are most definitely NOT worthless. *gentle hugs* We're all going through rough bits now and with a muddled head when you're feeling ill (mentally or physically) it's hard to keep track of all of the posts here and all of the people supporting each other. I hope that made sense!!

*hides in the warren & cries softly*

Sorry :'(

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Helen*

No sorries, Hels, sweetie. It wasn't your fault. And Mark, no feeling bad on your part either. We all miss posts/support. I hope my post didn't sound accusatory, Hels, really didn't mean for it to come across like that. :( *group hug?*

How're you both doing, though? besides the nervousness on your part, Mark, about tomorrow (I would be nervous too - you're gonna be the busy bee this time ^_^).

Updated my r/v. It's really long though. :(

Brain's not working right. Hmm, I wonder why? >_< Anorexic mindset fully in place at the moment. I'm thoroughly crap at the moment. :( Jarrod's gonna be upset with me when he gets home. And I'm gonna feel even more like crap then.

Took a nap earlier but it wasn't for very long. And I just can't get into WoW right now, or books... writing is my only escape. It's as if I have to write my way out of the hole I've fallen into. Yes, fallen. I didn't choose to (re)lapse... even though I may be "choosing" to stay here... I really don't know why anyone would do that though.

I really don't want to have to go IP. I really really don't. And res, at the place I'll be going to see my nutritionist, is helluva expensive, and we can't afford it... wonder if they could/would manage to get me in somehow anyway?? I honestly don't know. And I feel like a ****ing failure to be back in this place.

:crying:

Speaking as someone who only has an outside knowledge of ED's I'd say that you aren't a failure April , you can't help all these feelings that have come back it's not something you control , like you said, you didn't choose to re/lapse so please stop beating yourself up about it . <3 you Little Sister

*group hug*

Please try fight the anorexic mindset April *cuddles tight*

*Group Hug*

I'll... I don't know. I don't even "feel" like fighting it, if that is a feeling at all. Or if I can feel right now, I don't even know if I can. :( I don't want to try. I want to be tiny. But logically I know that that won't happen this way, because my body's too ****ed up to do that for me. Damn it, body, I hate you... :crying:

I'm so scared about seeing the nutritionist. :'( It's positively cruel to make me wait that long... or at least, so it feels. Hah.

*hides in a corner and curls up*

Hey guys.

Got results. They were OK. I got three A*'s in English Literature, English Language and sociology. The rest were alright, mainly A/B with a couple of C's and one D. That was RE, but I knew that would be a fail since I wrote about the wrong thing in the exam. Lol.

Sorry I'm not up to individuals. I just...no, I don't even have an excuse. I just feel...I don't know that either. Heavy, tired. Ya know.

xx

Congrats, Lia, on the good scores. ^_^ (At least, they sound good to me, but I totally have no clue with your school system/grading stuff... lol.) *hugs*

Oh and I also completely forgot to join in the group hug earlier so *group hug* and *extra cuddles all around* :)

Hope Nicole is okay... I know you guys were worried about her earlier... she hasn't been on, has she? Nicooollleeeeeee, where are youuuu?

:-/

Sorry. Brain's in a funky place at the moment. :(