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wildly insane 28-06-2010 12:03 AM

Hi guys *waves*

I'm triggered even though I had a good day and a nice chat to my boyfriend, don't understand myself at all.

*hugs Laura* sorry to hear things are confusing. Have you tried writing it all down to try and make things clearer? don't be scared about ranting though.

*hugs Mark* sleep well, you're not unloveable at all. I had never had a boyfriend until a few months ago and I'm 29 and my mum was always going what's wrong with you, and saying I was too fussy etc, etc, and I have no idea how it happened and I still don't always believe it, but it did and now I have someone who just likes ME, it will happen to you too it just hasn't yet. You will meet someone who you trust and someone who will stand by your side because you are loveable and you're not a failure.

*hugs Jess* well done on 4 days, sorry to hear things aren't great though, keep going

*hugs April* please keep fighting hun, can you think of any little things that make you feel a little better, photos, a song, quotes, the sun shining, flowers, you're cat when he's being cute?

*hugs Kahlia* sorry things aren't so good, can you talk to your housemate about things?

*hugs silentgirl* do you want to talk about it?

*hugs Heather* how's it going?

*hugs JK* how are you? a day at a time is good advice :)

*hugs Helen* what's up?

*hugs red sky* how are you?

*hugs Julie**hugs Kat**hugs Hayley**hugs Crimson**hugs Oliver**hugs Jill**hugs shadowedsoul**hugs everyone else and sorry if I've forgotten anybody*

Scarletdreamer 28-06-2010 12:15 AM

ughhh i am so warm... it's so hot outside, it's icky. i think it got up to like 90'f today? in the sun. yuck. i abhor hot weater... and i totally cannot type tonight, for whatever reason. :(

laura, how are you doing? i'm worried about you...

i spy a hannah!! *glomps* :) how are you, love?

mark, i hope that tomorrow will be a better day for both of us. all of us. and i'll try to remember to remind you about your meds - i need to do the same, order some more klonopin. gggurgh.

today's been mentally draining for me and i'm not sure why. probably because of the lack of sleep last night. but i'm low anyway - i don't know why. just am. and really ****ing want to cut. :'(

make it stop, someone, please, make it stop............... :crying: i don't want to go to res, i really don't, make it stop......

wildly insane 28-06-2010 12:29 AM


Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2374682)

i spy a hannah!! *glomps* :) how are you, love?

Thanks hun, I'm okay, tired as usual and not looking forward to the office, but I only have 8 days left at work and then my life changes again and I'm looking forward to it - yay

I hope you sleep better tonight, sleeping badly makes things so much more difficult to deal with, and probably the heat too if you don't like it.

I really wish I could make it stop, for all of us *cuddles gently*

why don't you want to go to res hunny? I know it's scary but it might help?

Scarletdreamer 28-06-2010 12:35 AM

res might help, yes, probably would, it's just that it's a 6-9 month commitment and i'm married, so it would be soo hard to be away from jarrod for that long a period of time. however, i haven't even fully applied yet (i.e., i've got 2 out of 3 apps, only one is half filled out though - been too busy with internship stuff to focus on applying)... so who knows if i'd even get in. i'm going crazy though, without much treatment at the mo... i don't know, i just feel so ****ing rubbish. :'(

and yeah, the heat + not sleeping enough probably has summat to do with me being so low. damnit. i just want to sleeeeeeeeep... i was dozing earlier but then jarrod made me wake up, which sucked. oh well. i'll probably be going to bed in about an hour if not less. so exhausted. but of course, who knows... *sigh*

wildly insane 28-06-2010 12:45 AM

yeah am going to turn the light out shortly too. Told myself I would get to bed by 11.00 this evening, failed again, never mind. Try not to let your head go around in circles, do you have any meditation techniques to help clear your head and help you relax to sleep? A friend of mine made an interesting suggestion today. she's going to get an autoplay of rain, which blocks out external distractions and clears her head.

You've nearly finished your internship though which is really awesome and such a great achievement I hope you are proud of yourself for that.

you've just got to work out if it's going to be worth it for you. If it will help then maybe being away from jarrod for that long will be worth it. I know it's a big decision, take your time, but be brave and put yourself first.

take care and I hope you sleep better tonight *huggles*

SoMuchMore 28-06-2010 07:54 AM

*hugs jess* good job on the 4 days. Try to keep it up! You can do it!

*hugs mark* you are loveable. You just have to be patient, it'll happen for you. Oh and since it is almost tomorrow where you are, if you read this- REMINDER: Order your meds!

*hugs hannah* yea I have written some things out. For some reason writing isn't helping me much right now, usually it does.. hm.. Thanks for the suggestion though, I really appreciate it. And Yay for almost being done with your job. Sometimes change is a really good thing. Im sorry you are so tired. Hope that you slept well.

*hugs april* I'm sorry you havent been sleeping well. It can be so hard to sleep when its so hot out. I lived without a/c for part of last year and it was awful. Keep working on those applications hun. I know that you are worried about being away from jarrod for so long, but think about how good it will be for the both of you if you are able to work through something.

My mom was admitted into the hospital earlier today. Shes been having problems for a few days now. I've been kind of distracted all day with that and the other things rolling around my head. I think it might have affected my work a little bit tonight, I was kinda slow... which isn't good. I also think i tried a little too hard to seem happy b/c i talked an awful lot which is a little uncharacteristic of me.

shadowedsoul 28-06-2010 11:29 AM

Ugh!!!! I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I woke up this morning, burst into tears and it won't stop, the worse thing is I have got no idea why. Damn it just feel *shrugs shoulders*. Damn it I could loose my job, part of me cares and part of me doesn't. Just want this to end now, really had enough!!!!curls up =[

Kahlia1981 28-06-2010 12:33 PM

*huggles all who want & can accept hugs*
*leaves safe care packages for everybody*

really low right now. really triggered. triggered by neighbour bitching about how fat she is and how small she was when she is only tiny. she's always going on about how tiny she is/was. now she keeps giving me numbers - weight (kgs), bmi, cals, everything... i'm sitting here this big huge lump who got made huge by medication those stupid doctors force fed me and all i want to do is scream and give in to the ed urges.

*runs and hides away in shame*

Doikers 28-06-2010 12:42 PM

Thankyou for all your kind words guys :) I'm trying to beleive them , I try .
Oh and thanx for the reminder Laura , I did it , I hate doing it , Official phonecalls ick

* Morning (Just) Hugs for all that can accept them *

Scarletdreamer 28-06-2010 12:49 PM

i spy mark & jess. *cuddles*

i'm low this morning, still, and still angry. dunno why. only 3 days of internship left, thank God, i can't wait to be done with that and with my official report after it. :(

i feel so stupid. so... guuuuuuhhhhhhhh i don't know... :crying:

nicole94 28-06-2010 02:49 PM

dont wanna go to therapy today.....

I'mJustMe 28-06-2010 04:59 PM

Hugs for all who need them*

April, please try to hold on. You should be proud of yourself for almost finishing your internship, and the others are right, you need to decide if all the time away is going to be worth it for you. I know it's hard to think that way, and you will feel selfish, but just sometimes, it's not wrong to put yourself first. Mind, I never could so I don't know what I'm going on about. You're not stupid April, you mean a lot to all of us here, as a fellow regualr, I feel I am getting to know you.

Jess- it's really good that you lasted four days. Try and make that more and more. You never know, we might be congtatulating you on a month and then a year soon! Not to scare you or anything, I know going that long without SI is a really scary though.

Nicole- why don't you want to go to therapy? What's the matter?

*Hugs Kahlia.* It's OK, try to calm down. You're not huge, try not to judge yourself on other people. We all do it and I know how hard it is not to, but you're you, not the person sitting next to you,not the woman on the 345 bus, not the guy walking down the street. I hope you can continue to resist those urges, you're worth it and you deserve to get better.

Laura, I'm sorry about your mum. I hope both you and her are OK. If you need some support, we are all here for you.

*Hugs shadowedsoul gently* How are you right now? Do you feel any better? I'm sorry you feel as low as you do. Is there anything you can do to distract or cheer yourself up? What I find sometimes helps is either watching something like Lee Evans on youtube, or watching kids shows. Like cebeebies. I know it's childish, but it can make you feel better. There's something comfoting about watching Come Outside that you haven't seen since you were five.

Mark- I hope you're feeling better than you were before. Do you know what triggered you to make you feel so low? Please try to believe the words of all those here, we're telling the truth and are all here for you.

To anyone else that needs support, just hold on. You can do this, you can get through this and have us all behind you. Smile- someone might be falling in love with it.

shadowedsoul 28-06-2010 05:10 PM

Hmm had a sleep kind off helped, being feeling physically and mentally drained lack of sleep, stuiped thoughts going through my head day and night, very weird dreams that freak me out. I think my mum hit the nail on the head today, mabye I allready knew I was depressed just didn't want to admit to myself. Really don't want to go back for therapy again, walked out of those felling WTF was all that about, didn't help also notreally sure what's making me feel like this again. There is no way I'm going into hospital no way that not going to happen. Anyway sorry for my long post. hide in corner.

Scarletdreamer 28-06-2010 07:33 PM

i'm so drained, it's ridiculous.

lia, hon, how are you doing? that was a response of epic proportions (as was yours, hannah!!)... thanks for putting out so much effort. :) i'm worried about you though, as you talk about yourself so little and that can be a bad sign at times. *hugs*

jill, i'm sorry that you're not feeling well... but maybe give therapy another go? because maybe a different therapist could help you more. just an idea - that's what i'm doing right now, seeing a different therapist than the one i'd seen for nearly 5 years, and she's helping a lot. it's tough though... but that's also to be expected. therapy was never meant to be easy. *hugs*

nicole, sweet, why don't you want to go to therapy? *huggles*

kahlia, love, don't give in to the ed urges... they are stupid anyway. that's what i keep trying to tell myself, at least. :-/ it doesn't always work but sometimes it does. i'm sure you're not as huge as you think you are but i understand the feeling of gaining weight/size because of meds. :( it's an icky feeling, that's for sure. and having a tiny neighbor talk about weight/bmi/calories/etc... kudos to you for putting up with it as well as you have. *cuddles*

how are you doing today, laura? & how's your mum? i'm worried about you... both of you really... it's been awhile since you've updated us. and i couldn't find your r/v thread? for some reason... so couldn't read that either. :( *holds you gently*

mark, how are you doing today? *cuddles* glad you remembered to order your meds, i also hate making phone calls but it has to be done sometime... hope you're not too low at the moment.

i'm really quite exhausted. it's been a long day of data entering and i'm afraid to ask when i can leave because my supervisor kind of said that she felt guilty for letting me go each day early. and i have no idea if i'm supposed to fill out the entire data form with 339 names and addresses today... or if it's supposed to last the rest of the week? i'm already almost over halfway through it... :-/ but i am so tired of looking and typing, just gahhh!!!!

*hides in the warren* :'(

I'mJustMe 28-06-2010 07:38 PM

Shadowedsoul- Sorry, I don't know your real name, it's not on your profile. It therapy doesn't help, then I would advise you not to go back to it, it could only make you feel worse. Is there anything that could make you feel better? You say this isn't the first time, what happened before? Any chance you could do the same thing again? Why don't you want to go to the hospital?

I know how you feel about the dreams. I'm having dreams too. Dreams where I'm in a situation where I just need someone so badly, then I remember the one person I need more than anything isn't there and never will be again and that's when I jerk awake. Worse are the ones when everything's perfect,because then waking up is like losing her all over again. I know how it feels to want to sleep so badly and just being so so tired but not being able to drift off.

I find reading sometimes helps, or writing to get your feelings out. Or do something really really boring that will make you want to sleep.

I hope you feel a little better soon, remember, you've done it before, things can be OK again. I'm always here if you need someone.

I'mJustMe 28-06-2010 07:42 PM

Sorry April, I only saw your post after I typed out the other one. Tut tut, talking to us on here when you should be working :P I'm sure you won't be tortured for much longer, they can hardly keep you there all night. Then you can go home with a hot chocolate and marshmallows and watch your favourite movie, the simple life, but I always find the best of times with simple.

I'm OK. Don't worry about me, I just find it hard to talk about my feelings.


Scarletdreamer 28-06-2010 07:54 PM

i'm a worrybug... so i can't help but worry. :) *hugs*

it's only 2pm here so i could well be here for another 2 hours... well okay, 1:50pm, but close enough. i'm so tired of being here... gahh. oh well. i've entered 190/339 names and addresses so far... i feel like a secretary. this hardly takes any thought at all and i hate it!! but only 2 days left, must keep thinking that!!!! :P

yeah, i know i "shouldn't" be in here when i'm supposed to be working, but my supervisor actually told me to take breaks, so i am. :) i was looking at cello supplies on amazon.com a bit ago, found some really awesome stuff that i want. :) like a new rosin (for the bow), some music books, and an endpin rest. :D they're all relatively inexpensive, the most being $10 i think, so i'll talk with jarrod about buying the stuff sometime soonish. :) he's looking at getting a bass guitar so more supplies for my cello may be put on hold... but that's okay. :) woohoo.

anyway. sorry for rambling on. :-S

*hides again*

Louise 28-06-2010 07:56 PM

*hugs everyone*

Can I hide in here please not feeling to great.

Scarletdreamer 28-06-2010 08:03 PM

*hugs louise* sure you can. :) i'm sorry that you're not feeling too great at the moment. anything we can do to help?

updated r/v.......... :'(

I'mJustMe 28-06-2010 08:04 PM

Hey Louise. What's up sweetie? Sure you can join us, the more the merrier.

April- you sound like me in my ICT lessons. When I was meant to be doing coursework, facebook, writing and fanfiction were much more appealing. I passed the course-just. I very nearly got chucked off it.

Can I share a poem with you all? I prefer to do it here rather than the creative corner, it's a way of getting my feelings across and getting support as well as feedback.

Warning- could be triggering for suicide.

Last Fate

Sadness tugs
At the core of my heart
From you there's no love
No warmth, no hugs.

The loneliness grows
Spreading through me
Diseased and hollow
My soul fights to be free

The break of a plate
Echoes the walls
I shrink back behind it
Cowering in wait.

I wake in the morning
The emptiness is there
As I kneel on the floor
And begin my prayer.

Help me God, please
I can't make another day
Guide me through this
Please show me the way.

There is silence
As I finish my plea
I'm thrown from my safety
completely at sea.

The sparkle is gone
The laughter is dead
Non one hears
What goes on in my head.

I'm all alone now
There's no one up there
No one to see me
To hear my prayer.

I'll soon be free now
That death is soon here
I can feel it coming
I know it is near.

I take one last look
At the world I hate
I smile at the sun
And embrace my fate.

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