it's my step mum she hit me really badly *hugs back*

Are you physically ok? She doesn't have the right to do that to you.

i am bleeding she caught my arm and twisted it, it hurts so much.

Is there anyone you can report her too? What does your Dad say? She seriously has NO right to do this to you. Do you need to get it checked out?

*pulls her sleepin bag ova her head n cries prayin some will jst kill her*

whats wrong just-another-girl? *hugs*

i have tried to report her but no one believes me, they keep sending me home to her. my dad left me with her did not say where he went to, or he maybe did but my step mum is not telling me. it might need looked at though i am to scared to move.

what is wrong, are you able to tell us?

If you went to the hospital and got checked out then there would be a record of what she has done. How long ago did your Dad go?

3years now

im able 2 tell ya but the thing is im the most pointless person eva so i dnt see y i shud bother anyone can someone just kill me already plzzzzzzzzzz

We aren't going to kill you hun. And you clearly want and need to talk to somebody or you wouldn't have posted. If we thought you were worthless why would we waste time asking you what is wrong? Why do you think you are worthless? What has happened to make you feel so upset?

everythin is fallin apart n there is nothin i can do 2 stop it school isnt workin everyone h8z me n i jst feel lyk s**t all the time i h8 being me i wanna b someone else :(:(:(

Break it down. If you look at it in one big lump it will seem much harder to deal with.

Why is school not working? What are you doing at school? Subject wise etc?

Why do you think everyone hates you?

Are you seeing anyone for how you are feeling? Is there anyone you could arrange to speak to? You are 16 so confidentiality should not be a problem .

*hugs* I understand wanting to be someone else, but sadly it's not really possible. All we can do is try and change ourselves, be that with the help of meds, therapy, friends, hobbies etc, so we like our lives and our selves better. Ultimately nobody can 'save' anyone but themselves.

Shitting myself about tomorrow.
How do you explain to your GP, in the nicest possible way, to reschedule his appointments for the 25th of this month because you won't be attending the hour long CPA meeting that has "been arranged"?
I say nicest way possible, as i have already stated i don't want it as i won't be alive to recieve anymore help come December, so i don't NEED the appointment, i'm quite happy as i am and with my decision.

I might just not bother turning up but then i have too much of a conscience.

Bollocks.

I'm dosed upto the eyeballs on benzo's praying it will knock me out any minute.
The thought of going out in the morning makes me want to VOMIT with anxiety. Which is stopping me from sleeping despite the fact the benzo's have messed with my vision.

I'm feeling self destructive.
Just need to hang on for 4 more weeks and i'll be ok.

Mer.

Just needed to get that off my chest.

Sorry i've not been in here much, just been keeping myself to myself really.
Hope you're all OK, hugs all round.
xx

I'm a bit confused Laura, do you mean he doesn't have to go to the appointment because you aren't going?

Either way *hugs*, it's all I've got but I wish someone would persuade you not to go ahead with these plans.

*hugs louise and pomegranate*
docs think im doing better...i am so scared to tell them what is really going on.... but i dont know what to do! i just dont know how to deal with the voices and paranoia anymore...i feel so lost and alone...and everything i try to do, i just screw up at...i just dont see why i should try to fight anymore....why shouldnt i just give in and do what the voices say? maybe then they will finally go away...

*curls up in a dark corner and cries self to sleep....*

Hi all. I'm now back in the "real" world after playing my "get out of jail free" card. I'm better than I was before I went in to the hospital but I'm still not doing very well. I refused the ECT treatment that they offered after accepting three treatments. I was put under the mental health act as an involuntary patient for three days last week after blowing my top and telling them that I wanted them to release me so that I could go and kill myself. I've had a nasty time since then inside the hospital, but managed to get my behaviour under control so that I could become a voluntary patient ..... although I was given that "choice" to become voluntary and stay on the ward, or they would put me under an ITO (involuntary treatment order). Basically the f*cked up hospital system here was trying to use the mental health legislation as a bargaining tool which, incidentally, is against the law. It was a case of do what I say voluntarily or we'll force you to do what I say.

Anyway I have had some improvement in my condition, but am far from out of the darkest woods yet. I'm really struggling at the present time because I'm in the depressed part of my cycle and am constantly thinking about cutting and/or hanging myself. While I was in the hospital I met a girl who told me about how a girl that she knew in gaol had managed to hang herself .... it seems like a logical, sound thing for me to be doing right now.

Anywho enough about me and my insignificant problems. I just wanted to thank you all for the hugs and support that you have offered me while I was in the ward and without regular access to the internet. I'm afraid that at the present time all I am able to really offer anyone is hugs, my love and my support. I seriously hope that things are beginning to improve for all of you.

*leaves hugs for all*
Kahlia
:rose:

*leaves and comes bk carryin her oversized txtbooks sits on the floor and gets more n more stress*

I'm out of control. Everything's out of control. My date's getting closer. I haven't told anyone. I'm scared. I said if things were getting sorted by that date, I wouldn't do it. But things aren't getting sorted. Things aren't getting better. They're getting worse.

I don't know what to do. I need control back. I don't know how though. I just wanna cry. But I can't cry.

My benzos have run out.
I'm stressed, I'm anxious, I'm ****ing insane. The voices are driving me mad, instructing me to kill.
They wont let me go IP, even though I keep having these moments where I completely lose control and do stupid things (mostly suicide attempts). And I mean really lose control. I don't think, I just act. Then afterwards when it doesn't work it's like I wake up from a dream.
The crisis team is visiting me tomorrow. I doubt they can help.

Havnt really harmed in qwuite a while now, but all this guilt and issues kinda have me struggling not to...
-checks in-

checking in

totally s*** day

*cuddles for all*

*Cuddles everyone n tries 2 get ppl 2 sing then provides loadz of everyones fave thing* x

I give up.
:)
*hugs all and goes to bed*

*cuddles Emma*

Ugh didn't sleep very well last night.
My bloody hormones are up in the air.
Gah.
I feel like bursting into tears, don't know whether it's the hormones or because of feeling really **** at the moment.
Least I know the hormones aren't helping me feel any better....wish I wasn't having it this month *rolls eyes*
If it comes Friday at a particular time, I will die xD

*hugs Emma, Helen & just_another_gurl*

Not much to say really except for sorry for leaving such a long entry last time. Love to you all and as much support as I can give.

Thanks to all for your concern about me while I was in the hospital.

*hugs everyone*

Are you out of hospital now Kahlia? Are you feeling better?

The crisis team are visiting me today, I'm really hoping they'll decide to make me go IP. I've ben having moments where I literally blank out and try to kill myself. It's like I wake up and find I've slit my wrists.
I'm scaring myself and I need to be in a safe environment right now. Only problem is, according to a post in MHF, people with BPD are usually stopped from going into hospital because they become too dependant on the support. I don't know if I have BPD but I do have an unclassified personality disorder which is most likely BPD x

Hiya Zowie. Yep am out of the hospital. Not feeling 100% yet, but also no where near my worst. I hope things go well for you. That doesn't sound like a good situation.

Just purely for information ... quite often here where I live, people with BPD are stopped from going IP. Sometimes they just get the "I think you are making it up" attitude from staff.

Meh.

*hugs Zowie*

*hugs everyone*

Don't have any words at the moment, and I'm sorry for that but... I just can't right now.

*sigh* I feel pretty crap.

feeling rubbish, arms look a bit bad, not had enough sleep

*big hugs*

*cuddles all tight*

Kahlia welcome back sweetie, could have SWORN I replied to your post last night, but then again maybe I didn't.

Finally they listened to me and I'm going IP, probably for about a week.
They dont have internet there so I wont be on for a while. Look after yourselves, love you all xxx

*hugs to all*
still having problems...still here for an extended visit...docs keep bringing up IP, but i am scared of that thought...so i have been telling them i am getting better instead of admitting the truth. dont know what to do anymore...i just feel so lost and alone...
*cries quietly in the corner*

*hugs all*

Not got any words at the moment I'm afraid. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm reading, and offer my hugs and supportive silence to you all.

Much love to all.

*hugs everyone* hya ppl is everyone oki???:)

i dont know how much longer i can go on like this....i feel so lost, so out of control....no worries though. i will be fine. i always am.

*curls up in a tiny ball, trying to stay out of the way....*

*hugs the room, one by one*
Hello, darlings. Hope all are safe.
I feel like s***. Stupid depression. Stupid cutting. Stupid mf-ing life. I don't even know what's real anymore. Maybe I live in space. Yeah.
:(

*hugs all*

Have had an okay morning. Maybe this new medication regime is going to work. Bit early to tell properly yet .... however .... we were in a shopping center for approximately an hour and I still seemed relaxed. Not like me normally where I start grabbing the person standing next to me and leaving fingernail imprints on their arm.

Love and hugs to all.

Oh, before I do go ... I've barely eaten since before I went into the hospital and attempted to help my flatmate eat a pizza last night which I then followed up with half an hour of purging and took the gods only know how many laxatives. I've managed to lose 5 whole kilograms (11 pounds). And my brain is telling me to keep going with it. I am currently a large girl. Now don't get me wrong .... I'm not actually trying to go back down this path .... it just really doesn't help that the medication is making me have absolutely no appetite whatsoever. I'm a little confused about this right now,

:cry:

*hugs everyone*

Try and be honest with them Caiden, they are only trying to help. It's hard but they need to know what is going on to help you.

I am glad they finally listened Zowie, hope it works out for you xx

How are you doing now Hana and Marie Ann?

*offers Monark a hug* If you live in space can I come visit you??

Khalia- how are you coping since getting out of IP? *HUGS*

---------------------------

Back from hospital with another set of stitches. Screw up. Yet all I can think of is SIing some more.

In other news, my CPN and I somehow managed to screw up when I saw her before the summer holidays. Found out yesterday I have to be re-referred and also to my psych. CPN appointment is estimated to be in Jan some time, god knows about psych. ****ing fantastic. Last saw psych in April, CPN in June. And until then I see my uni support co-ordinator once every 4 weeks, except because of christmas not seeing her until 8th Jan.

Sorry for self indulgent rant, just needed to write it :(

I am glad you are feeling a bit better Kahlia *hugs*. Well done for dealing with the shopping centre this morning. Please try to eat though, you know deep down not eating is not going to make you feel any better.

You are dead right Emma. Deep down I know that not eating isn't going to help me with recovery .... and neither will those other behaviours. It's just such a struggle. :(

"Try and be honest with them Caiden, they are only trying to help. It's hard but they need to know what is going on to help you."

my problem is i am so scared about what they will say. last time i mentioned having any kinds of problems like what i am going through now, they said if i didnt get better i would have to go through inpatient....i am so scared of the thought of IP....but i dont know how much longer i can manage like this....i am having a problem with telling the difference between what is reality, and what is in my head... what parts are real and what parts are just the paranoid thoughts, or just a product of the voices.... i am just so tempted to give in to it all.... i just want to cut so bad right now....

* curls up in corner and plays with tool, thinking......*

*hugs everyone*

Can't stay long enough to give proper replies, but I'll come back after my counselling session.

2 hours until counselling, and I'm freaking out... mainly because of the topic. We're covering the abuse today. I've never really spoken to anyone of it, not even on here so it's going to be interesting. Dunno how long the counselling session's going to last, because it's a christian counsellor and they go on until they find a point where they see it fit to stop. Unless they have another appointment scheduled in somewhere. But I think she's got a completely free afternoon today.

Ok, gonna stop typing now. *leaves lots of hugs until she returns*

*leaves lots of cuddles*

Ugh.

Today is going werid. Bad. But then good too. Firstly managed to get to sleep about 1.30-2.00am. Which is good. But then I woke up at 7am (good) but fell back to sleep until nearly 8am (bad) and somehow left the house on time (good)....and then was nearly in Birmingham when I found out my notetaker couldn't do notetaking this morning because "something is up" (bad) so I had to miss my lecture (bad) but it's ok because I REALLY cannot stand my lecturer anyway and he triggers me stuipd half of the time (bad bad bad bad) but found out my notetaker was infact doing HER uni work when she's meant to be working with me. ****. She had me very concerned aswell :S =\ See if I was working with another student and had tons of uni work to do, I'd still go do the notetaking required :|

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

Why does it all keep going wrong wrong wrong??? CAN'T wait for this **** to be over & for tomorrow to come (seeing Hana!!!)

I can't even begin to explain everything that has made today a ****ing **** day. Can I just have some hugs please? :crying:

Sending everyone hugsxx

Can I have one too? I feel really lonely today as if noone would notice if I suddenly disappeared.

*gives crystalheart a hug.*

*hugs crystalheart* whats your name hun?

Emma x

huggles for everybody!
i am finally feeling a bit better today....think maybe the med change is finally starting to do something to help....thank you everyone for the support.
*leaves hugs and squishes for pomegranate and crystal,and zowie and kahlia*
if i missed giving anyone a hug, im gonna leave extra hugs behind for you

that is good that you are feeling a bit better and that the meds are starting to work. *hugs*