I spy Laura! *pounce huggles*

Laura- Heck no I don't want to tell them! They would think I was pathetic and stupid. They would never understand and call me all sorts of things. I would rather die than tell them. *Hugs* You're not stupid, it's the short's fault, not yours :) But knee length ones? Or crops. I wear crops a lot. Leggings and a long top? Or a dress? You're not a screw up, and being able to hide things isn't always a good thing, as I have long since discovered.

xx

*hugs everyone*

Our first performance is tonight... I'm so nervous.

Good luck Felica! I know about performance nerves! The first night's always the worst though, and it's only the first few minutes. Once you get into it, they all just fall away and it'll be fine. Thinking of you!

Just before I go on, I always hum to myself, quietly mind, or imagine the audience in their jammies, or dressed as marshmallows. Not naked mind, I always find I am just too disturbed to perform when I do that!

xx

Hmmm well my Parents know and my sister knows some but I'm not sure they know I still S.I. but they know about my depression but thats it , I certanly don't discuss it with them and I don't really intend too.

And.....

Break a leg Felicia !!!:)

Good luck Felicia, have fun. :)

So your family basically thinks you're all better too, eh Mark?

*peeks at the bottom*
I spy Helen and Mark! *surprise attack huggles*

Hmm thanks guys for the hugs, okay what's happening next fri.well I could be looseing my job,and that means so much crap I really hate myself right now. Sorry I know it's not that big a deal. (shrugs shoulders) it's just another kick when I'm down.

Well they know I have depression . But I don't fill them in on the details especially since I moved out . But only my Parents ( and my sister to some extent ) know . No-one else in my family know.

*Hugs Jill*

I hate this, I hate this I hate this! It's too confusing, too scary. Bloody hell why can't I just know?! I quiet, seculded place where I could scream as long and loud as I want would be lovely right now. I can't take this.

What's up, Lia, love? *gentle hugs*

Oh and to answer your question, yes, my parents found out about my SI in 2005 (I started in 2004) and were PISSED. I was planning to tell them actually, because I didn't want it to get as out of control as it had gotten at that point, but... they found out first. :-X A friend I knew from online had called them, actually, and told them... I forgot about that... :-S

But I keep them up to date on most of how I've been doing, minus the psychotic stuff, because that just worried them (the 'rents) too much. I think. I don't really know. Anyway... :-/ Hope that all made sense.

Sorry I haven't been posting much today, went over to my parents' because our power went out for an inexplicable reason (? no idea ?), spent most of the day there, just got back. The power is (obviously) back on... but I feel crappy, warm, icky, cramps, guhhhh. :'(

Oh & I took a nap at my parents' and had a lotttt of weird/strange dreams. :(

*hides in the warren*

Nothing, don't worry about it. I'm bang-tidy.

Sorry you're still having the dreams. I'm not sure what to suggest. Maybe you should toast marshmallows on candles at 3am if you wake up from a nightmare. It's fun. *Climbs in warren with you* You can throw me out if you want, but the company's there if you need it. Perhaps you should get sleeping pills or something. Lol, which reminds me, on the side of a box of sleeping pills once, it said 'side effects may include drowsiness' surely that's the idea? Mind, apparently a side effect of tablets for bipolar disorder is mood swings, which makes them a bit pointless if you ask me.

x

*hides in the warren still shaking* I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD and a form of personality disorder. Dr says I dissociate, and that i've split off personalities due to past abuse. :( ...I'm awaiting the offical letter that he's sending the psychologist.

*cuddles everyone*

Ha! Lia *Hugs* Side effects of my anti-depressants include depression , and the side effects of another med I'm on is " Sudden unexplained death" Hmmm

*HUGS Kat*

*cuddles Kat & Lia* No, Lia, love, I don't mind the company... Kat, you can join us in the warren if you'd like. :)

Lia, that's funny about the sleeping tablets' warning... lol... :P But I've been given all of the prescription sleep meds that exist, I think, and they didn't do anything. Except perhaps make me more awake. The problem's not that I'm having trouble getting to sleep, or even staying asleep, it's just that I have awful dreams when I do sleep. :( I think it's the Tegretol if you ask me, but meh, my NP didn't seem to believe that, so maybe not. I don't know. And I'm still struggling with the side effects from the lowered Abilify. :( *gentle hugs* Oh, & you didn't sound bang-tidy when you typed your last post... just wanted you to know that I'm here for you if & when you need to talk. *extra special hugs*

*cuddles Kat* I have anxiety, PTSD, and PDNOS (personality disorder not otherwise specified)... so I can kind of feel your pain. I don't have split personalities, so to speak, either, but I can also relate to that (although not to the extent with which you struggle with them - if that made any sense at all!!). *extra special hugs to you too* Is there any news on Hazel? and how have you been lately?

aHA, Mark & Hels!! *glomps the both of you* :P How are you doing today/tonight??

Kat- I've never been diagnosed with anything because I've never been to a doctor, so I won't say I know what you're feeling because I don't, but I guess now you know. It can be a comfort to have a medical term put on something. Plus, hopefullly you can get appropriate help now. And yes, do join the warren mandem. :)

Thanks April. I'm not, you know my version of 'bang-tidy', but hey, what can I say. It's me, I'm not gonna go pouring my heart out any time soon. Mainly because I've forgotten how to. I'm too scared. Anywho, hmm...I don't know what other advice to give then. Maybe you'll become immune. I've had so many nightmares now they don't bother me like they used to. I'm just relieved when I wake up. *Hugs*.

Room for me in the Warren?......

Of course, Mark. :D *group hug*

There's also room for you, Crimson, if you care to join us. :) How are you doing, btw?

And yeah, Lia, I'm hoping that either 1) they [the nightmares] will go away soon, or 2) I'll get immune to them. But at the same time, I don't really want to get immune to them... I want to be able to FEEL and feeling the pain/fear from the nightmares is all part of human expression. If that makes any sense at all I will be astonished. Hah.

*sigh*

*cuddles helen* how are you?

*big hugs for mark* how's it going? I've read your last few posts, and I'm proud of you for telling your SW. *special cuddles*

*Crawls to where april and lia are in the warren and cuddles april* Hazel is stil at home with me, and i'm still on 24/7 supervision with her. I have a care conference on the 27th where an independent chair is going to help decide what is going to happen. I'm terrified. Everyone says i'm not going to loose her, but i'm still afraid. I've just been put on antidepressants, but i can't remember what they are. I'm feeling overwhelmed because CX means it's not so easy for me to sweep in under the carpet and pretend it's not there and that i'm just making it up and it'll go away. Infact, now i've had it diagnosed Im certian he's wrong, or at least part of me is.. i'm so confused.*extra special hugs* How are you doing hun? Been praying for you.

I don't like to feel, but at the same time I do. I once went into what I call 'complete ice queen mode' I literally had no emotions. I seperated myself from them completly during an argument and was so cold. I was just feeling nothing and shut down totally. It was kind of scary knowing nothing could break that barrier.

And sure Mark, join us (that didn't sound creepy at all...).

xx

*Hugs Kat* Thankyou :) I'll keep you in my thoughts for your case conference :)

Wriggles down into the Warren to join everyone for the night.

*hugs lia* spaced out there and didn't read everything i'd written until posted. i didn't mean to miss you out! I just re-read.

Lia, I shut down like that sometimes too... and it is weird, feeling that way. I used to do it a lot more frequently than I do now... but now that I'm, well, healing I guess? (that feels SO WEIRD to type out!!) I want to be able to feel. Even the bad feelings. That's why I've been crying so damn much lately. Because I've finally been feeling everything I've never let myself feel before, if that makes sense. *gentle hugs* I hope & pray that someday you'll get to that point yourself.

*gently cuddles Kat* I will be praying for you too, sweetie. Thanks for asking - I've been alright, gave up my blades in case you missed that bit, so I've not been cutting for nearly 2 weeks. Feels like longer than that, lol. But I'm not planning on ever going back to that lifestyle, and hopefully won't "need" to... but with Jarrod potentially going into the army... :-S I'm scared. Anyway, overall, I'm doing okayish. I guess. There have been bad bits and good bits. But thank you so much for the prayers; they are definitely appreciated!! :) *extra hugs*

Take care, Mark... how have you been doing, btw? you haven't updated us, I mean really updated us, in a bit. At least, I don't think you have. Unless I missed it. :-X How's the time at your parents' going?? *cuddles & tucks up in warren bed in case you are going to bed now* Sleep well & SWEET dreams... :)

I'm so freaking tired... argh. :( It royally sucks.

*hums along to Delain and decides to journal or read a bit*

*lies on the floor of the warren* I has a bad back, so I have to lie on the floor

*plonks self in corner somewhere*

April , I will update at some point in the next few days but remind again please :) back to my flat tommorow, Psych Dr appointment is next Thursday I think .sorry this isn't more expansive.........hmmmm

*sets out a box of cuddles for everyone*

It's scaring me and I can't find the remote.

For the first time in about a year, I used the button on the TV due to a contiinuous lack of remote. Telling people on TV to shut up doesn't work.

*crawls in the warren* Mostly I want to disappear right now. Apparently my trying not to laugh (since now attorneys have issues with OSPA too, not just me) at the staff meeting makes me come off looking smug. And then at the goodbye party for two of our attorney's I felt awful cuz I hate eating in front of other people... I let our receptionist take part too so my lunch was 30 min later than usual so I felt like I was starving which made it worse... all in all I felt like a house since I ate a ton and it was a feat in itself because eating when your hands are shaking (and you have a fork no spoons) is hard... *crawls under a rock* If it was possible to die of embarrassment I think I would have. Sadly I was that embarrassed about it when I was at the back of the room... The dessert part wasn't as bad though because there were just a handful of people left and Di and I were talking about homeschooling and it kept me focused on something other than eating in front of people. But my mind keeps going over it all and just won't shut up.

*gently hugs Lia* I hope that you're doing okay(ish)... :( I'm sorry that you're upset (& probably triggered too?)... is there anything that I can do? Remember, my inbox is still open. <3

*cuddles Laura* How are you, love? I caught up on your r/v... at least, up until yesterday. I'm sorry you're feeling so ick. :(

*glomps Crimson 'cause I spot her!!* How are you, sweetie? Better than yesterday, I hope.

Mark, I'll try to remind you again. :) *cuddles*

Hopefully I didn't miss anyone & if I did, I'm going to blame it on where my head is at the moment... i.e., not attached to my shoulders. :-S My bestie just called me back - I left a message apologizing for my texts, which have been insensitive to say the least - and turns out that she'll be moving out of her parents' (which is only about 10 minutes from where Jarrod & I live, max), to a better apartment than Jarrod & I have, in a town about an hour away. *cries softly to self* She'll be coming home every other weekend... but that's like the only tie I have to our church, her and her fiancé, and they probably won't be going there anymore... so I'll be going to a church where (I don't think) the pastor or his wife like me... because Jarrod wants to. Although granted, I don't know if Jarrod will want to if her fiancé isn't there anymore, because he's like the only guy with whom Jarrod's bonded. And I'm going to miss her horribly... she doesn't have a Facebook & I doubt she'll get one... I know I shouldn't be this attached to someone that's not a family member but she's as close as one... hell, she was my maid of honor at my wedding instead of my "real" sister!! And I know that I "shouldn't" feel like she's leaving me, but she kind of is... she's getting married next May and it makes me want to cry, new beginnings & all, and I don't even know if I'll be able to be there for it. I don't know. I just... don't know.

*hides in a hole and cries really, really hard*

*cuddles April* I posted right before you... you were probably still posting... sorry I can't be arsed to retype it. *extra April hugs*

*leaves a box of hugs and plushies n chocolates for everyone*

*Hugs April* It'll be OK, you'll still get to see her and talk on the phone and email etc. An hour isn't that far really, my sister goes to a school 45 minutes away and she travels there everyday. I won't message you just now if you're so upset yourself, you don't want me adding to it. You know what it was anyway, but this time I had the sense to just switch the damn thing off. I don't know why I was watching in the first place, in a way, I'm drawn even though it scares the crap out of me. Poor everyone else who I'm confusing right now.

*Hugs everyone else who needs them, Extra hugs to Crimson*

xx

*cuddles Crimson* Sorry, I read what you wrote just after I posted, but didn't have the energy to reply. Still don't really, but in any case, am sorry that you had such an icky day. :(

*gently cuddles Lia* I'm sorry that you're feeling the way you are... and yeah, I understand being drawn to things like that... just like I used to be drawn to photos of SI. If that makes any sense...

I just want to curl up & cry. I feel like such ****. Maybe I don't want to feel. Maybe I'd rather be numb numb numb............................

*hides again*

*hugs Lia back*
*cuddles April* is ok.

*clings*

Sorry, sorry, sorry... so pathetic, so needy right now. :crying:

*holds onto April* It's not pathetic to be needy sometimes and you don't need to be sorry for expressing your feelings.
Maybe you could look into other churches in your area and ask Jarrod about trying some of the ones you like? There's some really interesting churches out there ya just have to know where to look... Like when I was in Burbank and tried out the Burbank Church of Religious Science... They have morning meditations and it was a nice peaceful environment. I don't feel out of place at all even on my first trip.
As for your friend... I'm sorry I have no advice to give...
*extra huggles*

*huggles everybody*

I gotta go back to the hospital this morning. Hopefully the physio can set my mind at ease about the "ripping" noises in my shoulder.
I wish the anxiety would go away.
Sorry for the lack of individual replies - I just can't keep up .... there were approx. 4 pages since I was in here last. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm thinking of you.

Thanks Crimson. I'm doing a bit better now that I've gotten some of that ^^ out to Jarrod. But I still really do feel like ****. :( How's your day going so far? It's almost 9pm here so I'll probably be heading to bed in a bit... well, showers first then bed... sooo tired. Will probably have nightmares again tonight... or at least, weird dreams - so ****ing frustrating. I wish I could just STOP having nightmares.

Anyway.

Kahlia *cuddles* Best of luck at the physio's today; I hope that you get some answers that you need. And may they be GOOD answers, too... *extra special encouraging hugs* It will go okay. Let us know the results though!!

*hides in the warren & tries to forget how lonely she feels* :crying:

i feel like i/we belong here right now. very high anxiety. going to dr monday and being eval'd for my mental health ( concerning sarah and sadie) and they will decide if i need to go to hospital. i dont think i/we do and last week my dr said she didnt think i needed to stay in hospital cause i am not harmful and sadie hasnt SH'd in a while..she trying to distract with other things now.

but i am still very scared. Sarah, my 6 yr old self who is my safe one.. has been out alot tonight.
Hiding

awh good luck with your appointment monday hope it goes well <3
could you maybe write down something to bring with you with whatever you wanna say in case you cant say it/forget whilst youre there [that goes for all of you] ps sarah/sadie can talk in here too if she wants :)

oliver- that sounds horrid having to deal with being called your birthname/female pronouns for a day let alone 2 weeks. feel free to poke me if you wanna chat, i may not be able to help but will be here to listen :)

*hugs everyone who wants*

thanks horseridin..

i will def write notes if i/we need to .. gonna take out journal with us.. we all write in it.. we all have separete places to write plus a place where we discuss stuff.. so think thall be good to take.

Hiding

good idea :)
[im heather :P]

Damn it I'm feeling so stressed out right now, chest feels so tight and I feel panicky. Hate feeling this way, hmm nearly did something stuiped a couple f days ago, part of me really glad I went through with it part of me isn't.

Wow kinda quiet in here....

*cuddles everyone*

Yeah, Hels, you're right, it is kinda quiet. I think I scared everyone away. :-S

Welcome, Hiding. :) I'm April. Don't worry if you can't keep all the names straight (yet) - it takes time. *gentle hugs if okay?*

Jill, glad you didn't do anything stupid. What's going on, sweetie? *gentle hugs*

How are you, Heather & Hels? *cuddles*

And everyone else (if I name people I will be sure to leave some out!!) - how are you all? *cuddles for all*

I am exhausted & I just got up. Oh, and it's raining outside... which kinda makes me happy/kinda doesn't. Heh. Sorry, don't want to ramble on about me right now. :-S You're probably all SO SICK of me right now......... :(

Morning wardies. It still is morning. Just.

I had a dream last night. About my mum. I dreamed she was hitting me and wouldn't stop. Still, could have been worse. I'm pretty scared of my sub conscious at the moment.

April, we're not sick of you. It's what this is here for, to be able to ramble as much as you like. You offer your own support too, so you can go on about yourself all you want.

Hey Helen, how are you? *Hugs*

Jill, I'm glad you didn't go through with the 'something stupid' and one day you will be too. I hope sharing with us on here made you feel better. You seem to be really struggling right now. *Extra tight hugs*.

xx

*Hugs April* I'm sorry your friend is moving away but an hour isn't VERY far away if you drive ( I assume it's an hours drive ) I'm sure you will still see her some :)

*Hugs Lia* Using the T.V. to switch off !! hehe well done

*Hi Hiding !!* I'm Mark, Welcome. *Hugs if ok?*

*Hugs Crimson* I'm sorry you had a crap day , I hope you feel better now.

* Hugs Kahlia* Let us know how your shoulder is , I hope your appointment goes/went well :)

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Jill* It's good that you didn't do something "stupid" . I'm sorry you feel so low , I always about if you need to talk :)