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Auburn Shadow 14-03-2009 08:49 AM

*hugs to everyone*

Sorry I haven't been around much recently, have had a very limited internet access. It's been one hell of a busy few weeks, I'll explain the whole story a little later. Just wanted to leave hugs and let you all know I'm thinking of you even if I can't get on here.

Jetforce 14-03-2009 10:14 AM

It's ok hana :-)

we understand...tc of urself tho!!!!!

MammaMia 14-03-2009 10:22 AM

Love you all *snuggles*

Mary Anne 14-03-2009 07:38 PM

*hugs everyone*

A bit better today


Eclectica 14-03-2009 08:07 PM

You stupid whore. ****ing whore. Whore whore whore. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Mary Anne 14-03-2009 08:09 PM

*hugs Kat*

I don't think you are

MammaMia 14-03-2009 08:17 PM

:( Why did he lie? Why is it affecting me so badly?

zowie 14-03-2009 08:36 PM

*Hugs Secrets* Welcome back hun. Stay as long as you need :) Oh, and you're definately not rubbish!

Kahlia...I know how you feel. I usually really just want to check out until all the crap goes away. The best thing to do is to keep reminding yourself that, as you say, you will find a reason and it will feel easier. *Hugs*

Hannah, what's up? Thank you for the hugs *hugs back*

I'm happy you have the internet back too Katie :) But not happy that you're feeling **** :( Wanna talk about it? xx

Dayna - *hugs* I don't know what the situation with your sister is, but I'm sorry you can't see her.

Hana - Hello *waves* Nice to see you again. Hope you're doing okay.

Glad to hear you're feeling better Mary Anne :) *Hugs*

*Hugs Kat* Hun, you're not. No. Don't ever believe that.

Helen, I love you too <3 and I hate it when people lie to me. It really upsets me.


I'm doing okay. Ate way too much today which sucked, but I saw my baby cousins for a naming ceremony and read the blessing. It was nice :)

Speaking of eating way too much, I've got some beer and chips waiting for me.
Fatty :(


*Takes a veeeeery deep breath*
Love and hugs to all xxxx

Mary Anne 14-03-2009 08:39 PM

*hugs Zowie* I have a creme egg calling to me! I had to hide it in the wardrobe to stop myself from eating it!

*hugs Helen* being lied to is really horrible


Jetforce 15-03-2009 06:32 AM

*squishes ppl who have checked themselves in the ward*

*leaves some cordial for ppl to drink*

Auburn Shadow 15-03-2009 08:38 AM

*hugs everyone*

*hugs Hells* I'm not getting involved between you two, because I love you both, but yeah, being lied to can really suck sometimes. I don't know what happened but take it with a pinch of salt and the fact that he was drunk. If he'd been sober, then he probably would have told you differently. Love you sweetheart x

*hugs mary anne* glad you're feeling a bit better. x

*hugs Kat* You're not a whore hun, no way. Don't believe it. x

*hugs zowie* Glad you're doing ok hun, and I'm glad you had a good time at the naming ceremony.

*hugs Jem* hope you're doing ok over there


Well, ok, the last couple of weeks have been pretty damned hectic. Ever since I got back from the skiing trip with my parents. In fact, it would be easier to say that the whole of March has been pretty hectic. Well, anyways, got back to Wycombe on 1st March, and ok, that was pretty cool. In fact, it was OK, until the 3rd March, when I found out that my cousin's son's in hospital with kidney problems and that.

That would have been enough for me to have to deal with, but a few friends of mine had a few problems that they decided I had to know (and therefore worry) about. That Friday night, I broke up with the boyfriend, and, well, that's a story for another time. Saturday, he kicked me out, even though on the Friday he'd said I could stay there (on the sofa but I was OK with that) until I found another place to live. So Saturday I stayed at a friend's house, and then Sunday, we spent the day trying to get me somewhere to live temporarily, and we found it in one of the people she babysits for, who basically said I can stay there for as long as I need.

OK, written down like that, it doesn't seem like such a big deal, but, for one that's not everything but the rest of it I don't particularly want to put the rest up on the internet for everyone to see. But, I think this is actually a pivotal point to my recovery, in that I'm still just over 2 months free, and, I'm dealing with this by talking, not bottling it up.

You know the one funny part though? During the whole of this, I haven't seen my counsellors once.

Anyways, sorry for the massive post. Don't have internet at my place at the moment, so I won't be around as much as I'd like to be, but I miss you all when I'm not online, and I just want you to know I'm thinking and praying for all of you.


Jetforce 15-03-2009 09:30 AM

*cuddles hana*

Stay safe there xxx

Hope ur look after urself and u need to get the NET lol..somehow!!! Coz we r missing u already :-(

Kahlia1981 15-03-2009 09:41 AM

*hugs all and then disappears into the denial tent for a few decades*

Jetforce 15-03-2009 09:49 AM

hope ur ok there Kahlia *cuddles*

Kahlia1981 15-03-2009 09:53 AM

Must admit I'm not feeling too great Jem .... thinking of going out for some cola, drinking some alcohol and doing something really stupid.

Think I'll just check myself into the denial tent until the urge passes a bit.

Jetforce 15-03-2009 09:54 AM

hang in there!!! Plz don't do anything stupid...i know the urge is there but u can battle thru it!!!

MammaMia 15-03-2009 02:08 PM

Hana, you have a very fair point hun :) I'm over it now anyway pretty much. Just was a little hard yesterday. But we're all good. I worry about you hun *snuggles* xx

Eclectica 15-03-2009 03:27 PM

Stupid dirty stinking whore... I know I am.

Mary Anne 15-03-2009 05:58 PM

*hugs Kat* I will never think that you are

*hugs Hana* take care of yourself, sounds like you have a lot going on.

*hugs Kahlia* please try not to do anything

*hugs Helen* glad to hear you are feeling a bit better about things

*hugs Jet* how are you doing?

*hugs Secrets, Ravyn, Dayna, Zowie and anyone else coming in later*

For me good bits and bad bits, will get the bad bits out first, HE came over to pick up some stuff and once again changed his story about HER, seems he does not know how to tell the truth. Also he is moving to a flat nearish me, do not like that - I would prefer if he disappeared!
On a good note - no idea if I am ready but a guy has sort of asked me out - we were emailing and now texting - bit scared, esp as he knows nothing about the dep. and si - not something to tell someone about electronically for me, will see how it goes.

love you all

wildly insane 15-03-2009 08:56 PM

I want to hurt, not to cope, not for relief, not to stay in control but because I hate myself, I deserve to hurt and hurt and hurt.

*hugs secrets* hope things are going okay
*hugs snuffles* welcome back, take care of yourself
*hugs Dayna* are you okay?
*hugs Kahlia* hope the urges pass, cuddles.
*hugs Hana* sounds like a rough few days and sounds like you've coped really well, hope you're feeling that too.
*hugs Jem* hope you are okay
*hugs Helen* Are you feeling any better?
*hugs MaryAnne* hope you had a good weekend
*hugs Kat* you're not hun, keep fighting
*hugs Arwen* I seem to be falling and I don't don't know where my fight has gone. Please don't beat yourself up about food, it is so not worth it, but I know what you mean.
*hugs Jade* hope you are doing okay
*hugs anyone else wanting or able to accept a hug*
take care of yourselves and try to remember there is always hope whether or not we can see it *leaves bunches of daffodils to brighten the place up*

Damnation. 15-03-2009 09:30 PM

*Hugs all*

I think I'm actually doing okay atm o_o;. Was a little depressed earlier, and sort of destressed by singing at the top of my voice, lol. Starting to feel a tad spacey now, though ._.;

Kat: LKFDGHKJDGH YOU'RENOTAWHOREOMG. What makes you say that? D:

Damnation. 15-03-2009 09:52 PM

Void again

Eclectica 15-03-2009 10:36 PM

Because she is a whore.

A whole quiet week. Ended. No longer quiet.

"I should go out more if that's what prevents this."

MammaMia 15-03-2009 11:54 PM

*hugs all*

Guess who might well be crashing again? Thank you very much moods. Hopefully sometime will stop you. Please don't crash >.<

Kahlia1981 16-03-2009 12:09 AM

Thanks for all warm thoughts and wishes everyone. I made it through the night ... not brilliantly. I did not sleep. I skipped two doses of Xanax yesterday because I could not guarantee that I would not take all the tablets remaining in the bottle (some 35 or so tablets). And as a result did not sleep but spent all night thinking of how the heck to fight the urge to do this stupid thing. There does not seem to be a cause. Like, emotionally at present everything is void ... I feel detached from my emotions. I don't want to die and I don't want to OD .... I just feel like I'm going to do it because I have to. It's sort of .... I don't know.

I wanted to tell my house-mate yesterday afternoon about what was going on in my head but couldn't bring myself to do so. Then thought about writing about it in my thread - trying to find an immediate way to deal with it ... but my laptop had refused to charge (it needs a new AC Adapter) and I had access to no internet. So I just lay awake last night and tried to work things out.

I'm a bit scared that I'm going to do it ... just give in and do it ... without ever wanting to or even wanting the consequences that it could possibly bring. I just don't quite know how to fight. I see my GP on Friday and I'm going to have to bring it up with her ... but I still have to get through until then.

I just don't know anymore ...

Anyway enough of my whining. *hugs everyone*

MammaMia 16-03-2009 12:11 AM

*snuggles Kahlia lots if you'll accept them*

Kahlia1981 16-03-2009 12:17 AM

Thanks Helen - *cuddles in tight to you*

MammaMia 16-03-2009 12:23 AM

*cuddles* You're very welcome, want to watch 13 going on 30 with me? I'm so avoiding my assignment & revision...haha!!!

Eclectica 16-03-2009 01:47 AM

Head is in agony physically and it's affecting mentally. Stressing so much over it and was getting extremely angry.. but that passed, and now it's jus stress and affecting my others.

My bf asked when i was next visitnng him. I said i dunno. Cuase i don't. And i can't visit anyone like this. I don't care for anyone or anything. I feel dark and cold, love... everything bad... It ain't right, but I don't care. I like this feeling. Carefree. Careless. Cold. Bitter.

I don't even have a proper sense of humor. I hate happy things and I hate everything and near everybody.

It;s wrong I dont feel anything for any of my friends. I should.

There's a little bit of me left. Just a little bt that still makes me human. And I'm losing it.

And I still don't care. I like it..

Auburn Shadow 16-03-2009 08:37 AM

*hugs everyone*

Woke up triggered, and it isn't about to go away any time soon. I don't need this today what with everything else I've got to do today. I don't need to be worrying about cutting or not cutting or whatever. I don't.

I've got a new bottle of Aleve (painkillers) in my bag, that Jamie gave me, because, well, I'd run out and sometimes I really need them, but the thoughts keep running through my head that I could just take all of them and then none of this crap would matter anymore. He thinks I'm coping a lot better than I actually am, but I'm coping a hell of a lot better most days than I would be normally. I need to not have those pills, but I don't know how to tell him that.

Mary Anne 16-03-2009 12:34 PM

*lunchtime hugs*

Eclectica 16-03-2009 04:12 PM

My head is really gnna make me cry soon.. it still hurts :[ Urgh. It's so weird. I just move it and it's like somethings hit sopmething inside from the movement. So I'm not moving my head.

MammaMia 16-03-2009 05:44 PM

I'm a useless ****.

Tears of Solitude 16-03-2009 09:49 PM

::::::::::::::::::::::: hugs to Helen, Katrica, Dayna, AuburnShadow, Mary Anne, Wildly, Jet Force, Secrets and Everyone else that comes in this evening :::::::::::::::::::

Feeling ashamed of myself, being over weight and suffering from Type 2 Diabetes. I hate myself. I am a horrible person. Also have a defective brain that doesnt work well under any pressure or any usage at all.

MammaMia 16-03-2009 09:55 PM

Oh hun, that's utter crap, you're amazing *snuggles*

Damnation. 16-03-2009 10:41 PM

*Bounces around and glomps all*


MammaMia 16-03-2009 11:05 PM

Little girl kisses her mom
Tells her I love you
holds on to her moms hand
when she tells her she loves her

Little girl doesn't have much
She walks with a smile
She's so full of life

But she cries in the night
Just to try to hold on
No one can hear her
She's all alone

This little girl closes her eyes
All that she wants
Is someone to love
Someone to love

Little girl
She's all grown up
Oh she's getting fevers
She's a big star

Oh little girl

Fights with her mom
Can't believe money
Changed who she loved

And she cries in the night
Just to try to hold on
But no one can hear her
She's all alone

This little girl closes her eyes
All that she wants
Is someone to love
Someone to love
She cries in the night
Just to try to hold on
No one can hear her
She's all alone

This little girl closes her eyes
All that she wants
Is someone to love (someone)
Someone to love (someone)
To love (someone)
Someone [fade out]

In a good mood there Dayna? xxx

zowie 16-03-2009 11:14 PM

I'm tiiiiiired. I suppose I should go to bed.

MammaMia 16-03-2009 11:17 PM

Same. Have to be up at 7am for an exam (well the exam doesn't start til 9.30, but I need to get there) which I shall fail :( What a ****ng failure Hells is :D

zowie 16-03-2009 11:28 PM

You're not a failure darl. Exams are bloody hard, especially early ones.
PLUS, you can't go calling yourself a failure just because you think you're going to fail. x

MammaMia 16-03-2009 11:49 PM

But I know I am going to fail.
Why am I even bothering?
I've already ****ed up the entire year so far with one exception of the assignment I finished today, that'll pass...

Auburn Shadow 17-03-2009 12:29 AM

*hugs everyone*

Still damned triggered, still don't know why, parents constantly calling me doesn't help matters though, I want to just... not have to answer to them for a little bit.
Told Jamie, though, and yeah, he sort of helped, temporarily. Haven't told him I'm not safe with that bottle of Aleve yet though, it's... I can't admit that to him, I just... can't. It's been so tempting all day, but, somehow, and I really don't know how, I managed to avoid taking any. Given myself a killer headache, but I can't take any cause if I start, I don't think I'll stop. I really don't. And it scares me.

Kahlia1981 17-03-2009 10:14 AM

*hugs all and then goes and hides in corner again*

zowie 17-03-2009 11:36 AM

I feel pretty.
But pretty.

Jetforce 17-03-2009 02:10 PM

*cuddles everyone there*

realflifefaerie 17-03-2009 04:58 PM

*hugs for everyone*
Zowie, I'm sure you are pretty.

My head hurts lots, Im not in the mood for all these little kids tonight

Eclectica 17-03-2009 06:11 PM

My psychologist says I'm defensive, stubborn and argumentitive, lol. And I know I am xD But that's just me.

He seems to be okay... but still, doesn't quite want me to keep believing what I do with all my alters kinda thing.

Steel Maiden 17-03-2009 07:06 PM

I'm too tired to study...I'm recovering from gastric flu.

zowie 17-03-2009 08:14 PM

The spies are watching my house again.

I'm not scared, I'm just going to start double locking the door again.

Eclectica 17-03-2009 08:36 PM


I feel like everyones against me again. They don't believe me. They know I'm paranoid about not being believed... and they're giving hints they don't... Heart racing.. can't breathe..

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