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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 06:09 PM

Its fine Mark

I'm okay today actually. For now.

Doikers 15-12-2010 06:16 PM

I like your octopus Sarah , saying "never give up hope" :)

misskitty112 15-12-2010 06:32 PM

My friend loaned me the money for the morning after pill... *sigh of relief*
I still need to be slapped in the face though, sleeping with my ex is such an emotional thing... and I do not like these emotions... Damn, someone needs to loan me some common sense.

Oh, and I like your octopus too, Sarah, made me say "awwww"

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 06:41 PM

I drew the octopus myself, is a sly way to put it about without taking criticism on it at any point :p thanks guys

*cuddles Felicia* hope you're okay hun, I know those kinds of feelings

*hugs Mark* thanks :)

Mum just bought me a pair of boots, well accidentally, sister got a pair from ebay and they were faulty, bought another pair from someone else. Seller 1 doesn't do refunds so I get them as they're the exact same. They look warm and cosy. Buying a dress soon for Christmas too. :)

Doikers 15-12-2010 09:51 PM

Well... Hasn't this evening been quiet , I hope you guys are doing okay:S
Has anyone heard from Taz lately? It's been quite a while since she's been around I think :S

Doikers 15-12-2010 10:02 PM

*Night Night Hugs Wardies*

*Spots and hugs Kitty :)*

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 10:04 PM

Does anyone know what happened to RYUU? I was looking yesterday and the profile is gone :(

Night Mark *cuddles* xx

MammaMia 15-12-2010 10:10 PM

^ She's posting under a different name now I believe, I could be wrong though..

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 10:17 PM

Ah okay. Panic over.

How are you feeling today?

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 10:24 PM

*hugs mark back* ya...time differences do suck. Half the time when I'm on here, nobody else is. Makes it really hard.

Anyway, went to the doc today. I hate him so much he is a dumbass and a bastard. I had a panic attack while waiting thats how much I hate him. Plus he was behind and I didn't get in until like 20 minutes after my scheduled appointment time. Blah. He's the doc that told me, and I quote word for word, "From what you say about your mother, you seem to be more mature than her. But, you need to be more mature about cutting." WTF...who says that!? Especially what doctor says that?!? I have hated him ever since. But I got him to prescribe me sleeping pills. The ****ed up part is, I've made plans with them...

*sighs* I feel like a zombie. I didn't want to sleep last night because of the nightmares. But I couldn't stay awake. I had nightmares again and it doesn't feel like I have slept, but I still had nightmares. I just want it to end...

On one hand I have the plans laid out and the tools I need to set myself free, and I keep thinking it would be the best idea. People tell me suicide is selfish, but I don't agree. I'm only still alive because I don't want to hurt anyone - but deep down I know that me dying would be the best for everyone in the long run. On the other hand, I have done some thinking, and some research, and have decided I want to move. I wouldn't be able to until summer being that our lease doesn't end until then and I am registered for classes for next semester already, though. But if I do stay in school I could transfer because where I want to move to has a branch of the school there and they offer the degree I am considering going after...that is, if I can. And it shouldn't be hard to transfer, being that I'm already a student of the school so to speak. And I have relatives there - might not be the best, because they aren't the closest of relatives, but I think it's better than nothing. Here, I have nobody. I have mentioned wanting to move to my husband...told him why. He shot it down. :( He says that it wouldn't be worth moving - I know it's because he hates moving. I don't know though. Summer is a long ways away. I don't even know if I will be alive tomorrow, let alone then. But, if I am, I'm going. I don't care. If he doesn't want to come, he can stay. But I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle being so isolated, and having nobody around.. *sighs*

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 10:30 PM

Oh poor Kitty :( *hugs* Don't go through with the bad plans, I need you, I wouldn't be better off without you :( I hate doctors like that. Mine is the same. I can't talk to mine about it anymore, he's just a dick and tells me to move out. I can't do that :(

Just please be safe my lovely *cuddles tightly*

MammaMia 15-12-2010 10:34 PM

Sarah, I'm happy, low, tired, ill, worried, itchy & sore lol. How are you today?

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 10:37 PM

*hugs sarah back* I'm trying to not follow through with the plans, but I don't trust myself. Hell I didn't even consciously make the plans to begin with. I just kinda looked at the bottle and the thought came to my mind, and I smiled.

I'm just sure everyone's life would be better if I were not here. I wasn't supposed to be born...I was an accident. I was a soul waiting for a body and well my biological mom accidentally got pregnant and I accidentally got that body, and ****ed up life. I honestly don't know if I will be able to continue school or get a job. My anxiety has been so bad that I just don't know I don't think I can handle it. I just haven't quit school yet because my counselor hasn't said so yet...but I don't know. If I quit school I won't be able to see her anymore. I don't want to apply for disability my mom would disown me. She told me to "never rely on the state". And she is in total denial and doesn't understand what I am going through - she thinks I should just be able to push right on through it and be perfectly fine. And I don't want people having to pay for me to be alive...that's what disability is. It comes out of other peoples pay checks to pay for me to live. I don't want people to have to pay for me. If I died, they wouldn't have to. If I died, nobody would have to spend any more money on me at all. And everyone would be better off in the long run.

I really don't trust myself right now. The thoughts. My mind just keeps telling me to do it - it'll all be over soon, and everyone will benefit.

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 10:44 PM

I just don't know what to do *sits in the corner feeling like shes gunna cry, but cant* I feel so...torn...

MammaMia 15-12-2010 10:49 PM

*hugs Kitty*

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 10:53 PM

*hugs helen back* thanks for the hug.

Sorry for rambling so much...and if I'm triggering anyone...I don't mean to. I just dont know what to do anymore. It feels like I have been chopped in half vertically. :S

MammaMia 15-12-2010 11:13 PM

I've not been able to read your posts much as nothing's really going in. But whatever's happening won't last forever. Sorry I can't support you.

MammaMia 15-12-2010 11:14 PM

Also, rambling is good, better than hurting yourself.

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 11:25 PM

Its ok...just bein here and talkin to me helps -hugs you again-

You ok?

MammaMia 15-12-2010 11:27 PM

*hugs* Don't worry about me. Glad I'm helping a lttle bit.

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 11:29 PM

Hun, its in my nature to worry. I always worry about others more than myself. -shrugs-

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 11:31 PM

Its when I am alone and dont have anyone to talk to when **** really gets ugly.. -shrugs again-

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 11:35 PM

*cuddles Helen* I keep eating and eating even though I know I need to lose some weight

*snuggles Kitty* I hope you're okay, sounds a lot like whats happening with me. My fiance was just telling me that if I can't work I'll have stuff to do at home and I know I can't because some days I'm so useless... *sigh*

MammaMia 15-12-2010 11:43 PM

I'm sure you don't need to lose weight Sarah. Try eat healthily at least?? *hugs*

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 11:48 PM

I'm trying but its such a pain at this season. My nurse never mentions it but I'm not 100% comfortable sitting in the top of the overweight band on the BMI chart *cuddles*

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 11:48 PM

I know how you feel. Except, my husband doesn't even say that. He says "You can work, you'll be fine. Everything will be fine." He doesn't understand. He won't try to get a job. He would rather have me work when I don't even think I can than go out and get a ****ing job himself. He is only getting $339 a month through the state while he "tries to apply for social security" even though he is a lot more capable to work than I am, and that's not even enough to cover our rent completely. And it's getting reduced this next month due to cutbacks, so more money from my financial aid will have to go to pay rent along with our other bills, which means by the end of the semester, we probably won't even be able to afford a roof over our heads, just because he won't go get a job. Not even a part time job. I know he could handle it - hell everyone knows he could handle it. He's just being lazy. And when I was in school full time he would bitch about me not doing a lot around the house to help keep it clean and stuff. But all he does, day in and day out, is play on his damn computer. Because "it's his routine".

I want to leave, now. But I can't. I am already signed up for classes for next semester, and if I don't have classes, I won't get financial aid, and won't have money to live on. I can't handle moving back in with my parents. I love them and all but with my mom being in denial, it makes it so hard to bear even being around her.

I am getting closer and closer to wanting to just follow through with my plans. I'm sick of all of this ****. People tell me "oh it will get better". But, when? My life turned shitty when I was 7 years old. That was 15 years ago. Nothing has gotten better, nor does it show any signs of getting better...

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 11:56 PM

Oh Kitty :( Poor dear. I'm not sure my fiance will let me out of working if I can't cope. He's already nagging I'm not doing well enough in Uni and he needs me there for his parking permit next year and I'm not likely to pass so he keeps telling me I need to put more effort in and push on and do the work and he managed when he had depression. Yeah, his was fixed by a month course of meds to help him sleep. I'm on my 7th month of medication and I'm way worse. Where the hell is my motivation supposed to come from?! >:(

MammaMia 16-12-2010 12:00 AM

*curls up* Sorry :/

SparkleKitten 16-12-2010 12:02 AM

*cuddles* whats wrong Helen?

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 12:07 AM

Yeah...my husband claims to have depression as well. I don't see it. Sure, he has situational depression, but that's really nothing compared to my issues. I mean...I was diagnosed with Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder. I am constantly fighting off flashbacks and panic attacks. I dissociate. Hell sometimes I can't tell the difference between reality and non-reality. Sometimes things happen and when its said and done I'm like...did that really just happen, or was it just me? I can't tell the difference. And asking other people doesn't help because I still feel like it was not real. Sometimes things that aren't real feel so real. I'm sorry...I will just shut up.

-curls up in her corner with her pillows and fuzzy blankies, and eyes the stuff thats next to her, just staring at it blankly-

MammaMia 16-12-2010 12:09 AM

Not doing too great Sarah. But it's fine.

SparkleKitten 16-12-2010 12:12 AM

*snuggles Helen and Kitty* I don't have much more than that right now :(

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 12:24 AM

-snuggles with helen and sarah in her corner- we can be the 3 loons in the magical corner!

MammaMia 16-12-2010 12:29 AM

*hugs you both* Sounds good to me Kitty x

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 12:37 AM

-hugs helen back- I've rambled and ranted enough for now. Don't really have anything else to say...if I say more, I will just be repeating it...I repeat it over and over in my head. But you guys can ramble and rant and I can listen, and try to offer advice. I'm not promising anything, but at least I can listen...

PoisonedApple 16-12-2010 12:40 AM

*cuddles everyone* sorry i wasn't in earlier, work had mandatory training... 3 hours of my day where i could do no work and got farther behind than i started. *sigh*

SparkleKitten 16-12-2010 12:41 AM

Sounds perfect. Rebecca has gone from being more my voice to being a gentle whisper. Last night I swore I felt breath in my ear when hearing the whispering. I think I'm losing it.

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 12:56 AM

-hugs crimson- I'm sorry. That sounds really frustrating. :( I hope you can get caught up soon.

-hugs sarah- I somewhat know how you feel...I hear my brothers talk to me everywhere I go. They are gone, but I hear them. I see them in peoples faces. I have completely lost it... but I understand how you feel :(

misskitty112 16-12-2010 01:19 AM

*hugs Helen, Kitty, and Sarah*

Sorry, I don't have much tonight...

*curls up in the corner*

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 01:19 AM

-spots felicia and waves to her- hi felicia how are you doing?

SparkleKitten 16-12-2010 01:20 AM

*cuddles Crimson* I hope you're okay hun

*snuggles Kitty* poor dear :( mines a completely different person who I know isn't real, but she's lovely with me most of the time so I like her. She's gentle and kind and supportive... I shouldn't let my mind continue with this but its so nice I don't want it to end

Edit - Felicia! *squishes* I hope you're okay dear, we're here for you x

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 01:22 AM

-snuggles felicia- it's a magical corner. I don't know how but it is...its magical I guess because there's no limit to how much room there is in the corner...like a marry poppins bag...and pillows and fuzzy blankies too -offers pillows and fuzzy blankies- whats going on hun?

PoisonedApple 16-12-2010 01:25 AM

I'm doing ok... Gotta head home though. Then the store or making pizza... *shrugs* I dunno yet.

SparkleKitten 16-12-2010 01:28 AM

I'm going to go snuggle up in bed. Night Ward <3 *cuddles* Keep my spot in the corner warm for me and I'll come and hide back there tomorrow after being out x

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 01:29 AM

I know, and I can't completely relate, Sarah, but I can relate somewhat. I have a girl thats not real that nags at me all the time to cut and commit suicide...she wont go away...

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 01:31 AM

That's good to hear that you are doing ok, crimson. When it comes to dinner, I say the simpler the better. -nods-

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 01:40 AM

I need to go get some stuff done, loves, but I will be back in a bit. If you need anything, feel free to PM me. -hugs ward-

Night night Sarah sleep tight.

misskitty112 16-12-2010 01:47 AM

I guess I'm okay you guys. Just down tonight... and I realized that half my cuts are infected. They're so painful and the itch is maddening. Good god.

But I'm just laying in bed, on here, listening to my roomie play video games whilst I look at stuff on ebay... haha.

I hope you all are doing at least semi okay tonight.

risenfromperdition 16-12-2010 02:51 AM

*hugs felicia* wish i could help :(

PsychoKitty2010 16-12-2010 03:10 AM

I'm back everyone -hugs ward-

Felicia, can you go to the doctor to get the infected cuts looked at?

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