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Scarletdreamer 31-07-2010 10:19 PM

*hugs Nicole* Thanks, hon. It's okay. I don't need/deserve a reply anyway, but sweet of you to do so. :)

Updated r/v with more details about above post, if anyone cares enough to read it... :-X

nicole94 31-07-2010 10:22 PM

*hugs april* of course you deserve a reply sweetie, especially if you are struggling. im just sorry it wasnt a better one.

Doikers 31-07-2010 10:25 PM

*Hugs April* You are NOT Fat or Lazy!!
And ,
Theres nothing wrong with being the black sheep , my whole family are acheivers and I'm just depressed and on benefits so I'm a black sheep too , All us best people are :)

Scarletdreamer 31-07-2010 10:28 PM

*cuddles Mark & Nicole* Thanks for the reassurances... I'm just in a bad place mentally right now and have no idea what to do about it. Not like I can cut - and believe it or not, but I still don't really want to.

*hides in a hole*

FlyingNy 31-07-2010 10:39 PM

It's really good you don't have many urges to cut April and you do deserve a reply. You are neither fat nor lazy, and who cares if you are? Laziness saved me on camp, it was the main reason I didn't cut myself because it would have meant getting out of my sleeping bag and finding my blades and I was warm and cosy. Laziness isn't always bad. *Hugs*


nicole94 31-07-2010 10:41 PM

urgh. is it wrong that i feel like this?
my friend who i met in hospital has just told me shes stopped self harming and is feeling really great. and i should feel happy for her, but i just feel jealous. shes fine whilst im stuck in this hole and cant get out. i almost hate her for it :(

Scarletdreamer 31-07-2010 10:43 PM

*hugs Lia* But don't you see, in my case, laziness is bad. I'm so glad that it stopped you from cutting; that's wonderful... but not keeping my/our apartment clean... when I'm not working or on an internship or anything else right now... even Jarrod asked me the other day how I could NOT see that it was kind of my job to work at at least some of the household chores whilst he was away at working as I'm not otherwise occupied right now...........


Scarletdreamer 31-07-2010 10:44 PM

Nicole, that's not wrong of you, at least in my book. I'd be jealous of her too if I were in your position... *hugs* But you'll get there one day, hopefully soonish, and will be okay, and will understand what it's like. :)

Doikers 31-07-2010 10:47 PM

Awwh Nicole , it's natural to feel jealous in that situation , I know you want to be S.I. free so badly , we all do, that it's hard to feel good for others when they succeed . You WILL get through this and it's good to have a friend IRL who knows S.I. from a first perspective who can help you through it .

I hope that makes sense :S

Scarletdreamer 31-07-2010 10:48 PM

Made sense to me, Mark. *huggles* How are you doing?? Haven't spoken much about yourself for a bit, just wondering if you're okay? *curls up next to*

nicole94 31-07-2010 10:52 PM

*hugs april and mark* thanks guys, i just feel like i should be happy for her, and im confused that i'm not :(

Scarletdreamer 31-07-2010 11:33 PM

So freaking anxious. No reason to be, just am. And I'm probably annoying Jarrod with it too. :(

*hides in a hole again* :'(

Scarletdreamer 01-08-2010 12:19 AM

Updated r/v again.


MammaMia 01-08-2010 12:33 AM

*hides somewhere and prays it stops*

misskitty112 01-08-2010 12:55 AM

*hugs April* I'll read your r/v thread after I post this. I'm sorry you're having anxiety.
*cuddles everyone* I had every intention of doing tons of individuals, but my brain just won't let me.

So... In about an hour, I'm heading out to eat and going bowling with some friends for my very best friend's birthday. I haven't been in an exactly good mindset at all for a while, so this has potential to be disastrous... We will see how it pans out. I know I'm intent on trying and that's all I can do...

MammaMia 01-08-2010 01:06 AM

**** **** **** **** ****.

I have just made an incredibly bad night even worse. I sent a text, intended for my best friend, to my Dad's partner. Who like doesn't know of my past just yet (nor does my dad but intending to tell him). Oh ****, I'm half hoping she's fast asleep and/or has her phone off. Yet in a way, I want to deal with it now. Am really stressing myself out even more now. YOU ****ING IDOIT.

Kahlia1981 01-08-2010 07:05 AM

*huggles everybody*

Am incredibly tired.
It's 1557 (3:57 pm). Me and my housemate went to a friends 30th birthday celebratory drinks, well the start of it, at The Watermark - an expensive Restaurant/Bar - last night.

*/ Warning - talking about Dresses/Clothes - could trigger Womens/ED /*
When I got dressed I was umming and ahhing over what to wear because I'm always so self-conscious about my body/figure. Anyway I had my shower first and tried this dress on that I've never worn before because I've been afraid that it might be "clingy" or highlight bum/stomach and make me look like I'm either pregnant or this huge fat lump - you know the normal stuff. I put it on and asked my housemate his opinion and he said he looked good, but to be honest it actually felt good.
*/ End Warning /*

Anyway, while we were out and with everybody is the first time that I've been out with a group of people and haven't felt "fat".

Sorry about that. It's just really weird.

Mind you, both me and my housemate are incredibly tired today. We didn't get home until midnight and didn't really get out of bed until midday. We just don't really do late nights much, so we don't have much of a resistance to them. *shrugs*

*leaves hugs and safe love and care packages for everyone on the table*

Hels: So proud of you for making your 11 months OD free honey. *squishes*

Doikers 01-08-2010 10:29 AM

*Hugs April* I read your R/V thread .

*Hugs Helen* I hope you can sort out your texting thing:S

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Kahlia* I'm happy you felt good in your dress :)

MammaMia 01-08-2010 11:05 AM

Kahlia, sounds like you had a good night yaaay and thank you for the congratulations =)

Mark, heh me too, no reply so far, I think she's working today...

FlyingNy 01-08-2010 11:09 AM

Hey everyone.

Helen- Would she be the type to keep it quiet if you asked her to? I know what you're feeling sort of. My best friend found my account on here, she came on with the intent of tracking me down and read things about my past I never wanted her to know. I flatly refuse to talk about any of it with her, she's not allowed to mention it and she knows that. I also refused to talk to her for some time because I felt she had betrayed me, but since it was you who sent the text, I doubt you're mad at her. Anyway, the point is I know that '****!' that goes through your head when you first realise someone knows something you never had any intention of telling them. Something you wanted no one to know, something they can hurt you so much with and it's horrible. I don't know if that's just me since I'm the sort of person who would be quiet happy to keep everything to myself for ever and ever. Anyway, rambling now. I'll stop typing. *Hugs*. Oh and well done on making 11 months!

Hey Mark! *Hugs* How are you this morning?

Kahlia, that's a really good step! Well done, I'm so glad you managed to have a nice night out and didn't feel 'fat'. I love hearing things like that, there's hope that people are recovering and although I didn't do anything, it makes me feel less helpless somehow. :)

Hey Felica, how was the night?

I'm sorry about the bit I left on here before I went away, not the bit about going away, the rest of it. I was just having a stupid moment. I'm OK. I can do this. Alone.


Doikers 01-08-2010 11:48 AM

Hey Lia !! *Hugs* This morning I actually got up at a reasonable time , was a struggle but I did it , Drank 2 coffees and 1 energy drink and one diet pepsi lol , but I'm awake now. I just went and paid my utilities bill for the week , I HATE doing that heh. I'm Okay , a bit numb but not overly so , I am hoping that my Lithium level will let me take more Lithium to get my mood better , this morning is the best morning in weeks , I am worried that my mood will nose-dive again . Sorry ramble . How are you doing? You don't have to do this alone , we are here for you at least :)

MammaMia 01-08-2010 11:50 AM

Lia, thank you for the congratulations. I understand what you mean about feeling betrayed etc. As she IS my Dad's partner, I'm not sure if she'd keep it to herself. Well I could be wrong. The stuff I mentioned in the text, I do want to tell my Dad and herself about, just didn't intend to do it this way. Does that make sense?

EDIT: Since writing this post, I got a text back.....

I'm having a really bad day today, don't think it's going to improve >_< So going to hide in my bedroom (as I usually do) and watch DVDs I think :/ Well try to in the state I'm in :S

Scarletdreamer 01-08-2010 12:08 PM

*glomps Mark cos I spy him!!* Well, glad you managed to get up a bit earlier than usual, even though it took all of that caffeine... lol. That sounds like me... I'd totally be drinking that much if the tiniest bit of caffeine didn't make me anxious. :( I just got up myself (it's 7am here) and I'm exhausted. Still. :( Anyway, sorry, ramble.

*cuddles Hels* I hope that things turn out okay. Will be thinking of/praying for you, hon. I'd be scared/worried if I were in your shoes as well, but maybe this is a good way to start talking about it? Definitely not the way you intended it to happen, but sometimes things like that happen... if that makes sense? and then it can act as a doorway into talking about what did happen and what you wanted to tell them. :-/ Sorry if that's a crap idea...

*cuddles Kahlia* So glad that you didn't "feel fat" for the first time in awhile!! Yey on you. :D I usually always do, just don't think about it anymore... although I have come to realize that I'm not as big as I think I am, but I still think I'm big. If that makes sense?? (I'm still kinda half asleep I think, haha.)

*cuddles JK belatedly* Hope you're hanging in there, love. Let us know how you're doing if/when you can!! <3

*cuddles Felicia* I hope that the night went okay... let us know. :)

*cuddles Lia* Mark's right, you don't need to "do this alone," you've got us. :) I hope you're really & truly okay... I'm here if you need to talk. <3

I think I replied to everyone who's written recently & if I missed someone, so sorry, didn't mean to... *cuddles everyone else* Has anyone heard from Hayley lately? because it's as if she went POOF and disappeared!! :-S Hope she's okay.

Anyway. I'm doing alright, although a bit frustrated with Jarrod yet (wrote in r/v about that I think). Guhh. Stupid life of mine. Stupid head of mine. Just want to give up... but I can't. :(

*hides in the warren, rocks, & cries some more*

MammaMia 01-08-2010 12:19 PM

*cuddles April back* It's not a crap idea. Honestly. Well I've replied, I didn't go into details but basically said a load of stuff but specifically about the flashbacks I said - "some really bad stuff happened a few years ago and is still having a bad effect on me now hence the flashbacks"

She's very worried about me, well apparently both of them are (meaning my Dad too). Bollocks. Am really scared, just waiting for her reply..

Doikers 01-08-2010 12:39 PM

April , I had a text from Hayley about a week ago , she has her driving license back that Dr says :) I THINK that she has had a friends funeral very recently so that may still be at the forefront of her mind , I will text her to say she is missed on the ward if you think thats a good idea??

MammaMia 01-08-2010 01:01 PM

Hmm, thanks for letting April know Mark. Although I did ask a couple of days ago. But yes, I think that text would be a good idea.


Doikers 01-08-2010 01:34 PM

Oops Helen I must have missed that post! :S It wasn't on purpose , sorry . I'll send a text now :)

MammaMia 01-08-2010 02:14 PM

It's okay, I know we move really fast sometimes in here. Hope she gets in touch xxx

Doikers 01-08-2010 02:38 PM

Hayley Has been unwell recently and is moving home and is off on her hols soon
She sends *Huggles and waves 4 all*

MammaMia 01-08-2010 02:39 PM

Awwww, sending her huggles too, hope she gets better soon & the move goes okay x

Scarletdreamer 01-08-2010 03:02 PM

Aw thanks Mark. :) I'm glad to know that she's okayish at least, hopefully will be back on the ward but taking her time to get her "feet back under her," so to speak, if need be. :) *huggles*

Hels, how are you doing now?? *cuddles gently* I'm glad that they are a bit worried about you, but I know it must feel awful. At least they care enough to worry though, ey? (Sorry if that sounded stupid...)

I have an awful headache and I think it's med-related as I've had to cut down my Tegretol from 800mg/day to 200mg/day in about 2 days, since I'm running out of it and it hasn't arrived in the post yet. I know, I know, I should've ordered it sooner but I couldn't. :( I feel so stupid. It's a mood stabilizer so no wonder if I start going a little more crazy. :'( Feel really awful though, and Jarrod doesn't appreciate it and wants to go for a hike after church. I feel... just... like I'm not cared about enough?? Maybe I'm too needy, maybe that's it............ :crying:

*hides again and cries some more, since I've been a veritable fountain of tears lately* :'(

MammaMia 01-08-2010 03:11 PM

I'm feeling calmer than I was? *hugs you and then curls up*

Scarletdreamer 01-08-2010 03:19 PM

And I'm glad to hear that. :) *cuddles*

Massive headache... ugh... :'( I wanted to play cello but... no time. Not right now anyway. GRRRR. And I really don't want to go on a hike later... not unless my headache gets better. :( But I don't know how to tell Jarrod that without it sounding like yet another excuse.


nicole94 01-08-2010 03:31 PM


katnovia 01-08-2010 03:49 PM

*sits facing the corner banging her head* I wish I hadn't. stupid. Idiot.

MammaMia 01-08-2010 04:23 PM

*cuddles everyone*

I hate this waiting, still feel like just telling everything, but would still have to wait..

katnovia 01-08-2010 04:29 PM

*cuddles helen* waiting is horrendous. are you refering to the text incident a few pages back?

Doikers 01-08-2010 05:15 PM

*hugs Kat* Whats happened?

*Hugs Nicole* You okay?

*Hugs Helen*

MammaMia 01-08-2010 06:04 PM

I'm referring to texting my dad's partner by accident during the night. She just text me again...my Dad wants to phone. I'm not sure I can handle it.

*cuddles Kat & Mark back*

FlyingNy 01-08-2010 06:25 PM

Oh look, I'm of some use now my mum wants me to do something. I'm not pathetic, stupid or worthless. I'm not a cow or a bitch at this moment. Of course not. The only time they don't say those things is when they want something off me.

Oh wait, I spoke too soon. The Mother is on another rant. About how crap 'those kids' are. About how we can't do anything right. It wouldn't be so bad if we all stuck together, but 9 times out of 10, they turn on me too.

Damn them all.

MammaMia 01-08-2010 06:31 PM

*cuddles Lia* I'm sorry honey

*glomps April* I spies you

Doikers 01-08-2010 06:41 PM

*Huggles Lia*

I spots an April too *Hugs*

xXMessedUpXx 01-08-2010 06:42 PM

*huggles for all*

*sits in corner with her box of wine*

FlyingNy 01-08-2010 06:45 PM

OK, rant over. They just annoy me sometimes, 'They' being my family. It's not always outright insults, it's little things. Small critisisms like 'you're not wearing that are you?' or 'that top's really creased, you should have ironed it'. Just things that make me feel bad about myself for the rest of the day and as it's all the time I've come to the conclusion that I look **** everyday and am just a rubbish person. But then again I might be over reacting. I don't know.

*Hugs to all who want them.* Useless right now, don't have the actual energy for individuals. I will do so later.

MammaMia 01-08-2010 06:47 PM

*hugs all*

Lia, you're not a rubbish person at all sweetheart.

Doikers 01-08-2010 07:03 PM

Lia , that doesn't sound like you over-reacted to me at all , it's totally understandable that you feel that way , I would too.*Hugs*

*Hugs Beki* Be careful with a whole box of wine . Don't mean that to sound patronising :S . Whats up?

FlyingNy 01-08-2010 08:31 PM

Why am I so dirty?

Scarletdreamer 01-08-2010 09:01 PM

*hides in the corner & cries...*

jonikd 01-08-2010 09:15 PM

*sits with April*

Doikers 01-08-2010 09:32 PM

Oh Lia I'm sorry you feel that way but I really don't think you are *Hugs*

*hugs April* * Hands tissues *

*Hugs JK* How are you this ?Morning?

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