updated r/v yet again........... feel so alone. *clings to hels & kahlia*

:crying:

Julie, you still deserve them darling.

*holds April tight*

*wants to cry* :'(

tonight is so tough. i want to cut so badly. :'(

Why sweetheart?

****ing failure.......... i am such a ****ING FAILURE!!!!!

:crying:

because jarrod is having his own problems so i can't lean on him.
because i don't know if i can start my internship this monday as planned because i am unprepared, officially speaking.
because i am AN EPIC FAIL.

:crying:

Deep breaths April. You're not a failure & you should try talk to Jarrod. I think he'd want to try & help even though he has his own struggles. Could you talk to anyone about Monday??

on my phone may not work...

It works Julie. You ok?

I spy a Kahlia ;)

*curls up yawns*

I see a Taz

Tired there Julie?

:D Hi Helen!
I think it was Hayley that had asked earlier... yeah, Taz was short for tasmanian devil :) As a kid I used to always run around and be pretty wild. Never really outgrew the nickname and still have a habit of going a little crazy from time to time.

*hugs to everyone who needs/wants them*
*crawls under a blanket*

*finds blanket and crawls under and gives Taz a huge hug*

Blaaaah, got to really love being paranoid. I'm so all over the place with my emotions. I'm really struggling to keep a lid on it all. Hm. Hopefully I can pull through this without doing anything silly. I did it the last time I had an 'episode' (as my sister calls it :S) soo...who knows?? I'm so godamm frustrated & want it to be over. Even if just means being low, can handle that. Please give me a bloody break :'(

Sorry don't know where that came from :S

*hugs Helen tightly* Is there anything you can do that will take your mind off it?

*hugs Taz*

I keep trying to go out, even if it means plastering on fake emotions which drains me even more, like this isn't draining me enough. Saw my Nan yesterday. Usually helps take my mind off everything, but she was in such a state, was horrible -.- Managed to eventually calm her down, hope she stays like that, or she'll have herself back in hospital.

Seeing my Dad later, would let my walls down with him a bit, but we're seeing my other Nan today (his Mum) and his girlfriend is hopefully joining us, so yes, got to keep smiling & acting happy. Great >.>

But it's there 24/7 at the moment. Even when I'm faking, it's still hanging in my mind...

That sucks Helen :( I hate always having to plaster on fake smiles. Sometimes makes me wish people weren't so ignorant. Or rather, that they'd actually try to face the truth. Sorry to hear things are so hard right now :(

I hate it, but am so used to it. Get fed up of doing it sometimes. But hey ho.

Ugh my chest has started hurting. Thanks (Y)

"buries her head under pillows", my khl counsellor told me that im going backwards....not forwards.....its not my fault that I prefer to talk to him then my physch....

*curls up*

*sad face* ooh it seems that the late hours of last night and early hours of this morning (in my time zone) have been pretty **** to say the least for everyone. I wish sometimes that I didn't need sleep and that I could stay up and support you all when you need it, even if sometimes that would mean being up 24/7.

*goes around the ward giving appropriate tlc to all where ever they may be tucked up, hiding or even buried under dirt!*

Well Eoghan gave me a drunken phonecall at 2am to let me know that he wouldn't be disturbing me as I was ill and needed a good nights sleep! So I've not had a hungover man to look after this morning, so I've done my online shopping to be delivered tomorrow as my fridge was looking beyond bare, lol. Thought I'd pop in and check on my wardies. But seeing as its quiet in the common room, I think I'll get myself a shower, hopefully the steam will help clear the bunged up feeling I've still got.

*leaves germ free huggles around ward for people if they want them*

*hugs Hayley*

*hugs Helen* hope you don't have to fake too many smiles, i know how tiring it is and that you enjoy seeing your dad, despite not feeling so good

*hugs kahlia* keep fighting you can get through this

*hugs Hayley* have a good shower :) how are you?

says hi to everyone else and makes a big pot of chamomile tea

I was hoping that I would wake up and my head would have sorted itself out but it's still talking ****. I want to scream at it "will you just shut up because I'm not listening"

Ugh , So hard to get up and DO stuff , I know I keep mentioning that so I'm sorry , I feel so energyless , no motivation :(

Hmmmmm I'm sorry you guys are struggling , I know what its like to tell your own head to just shut up !! . and to put on fake smiles....

*Hugs Ward*

*hugs everyone*
well i'm fine mark totally fine

*Hugs Julie just in case she's not okay*

*hugs Hayley* nice to see you

*cuddles Julie* "fine" doesn't normally mean as much, let me know hun if you need anything

*sends love and support hugs to April and Mark* cos I spy them

I haven't been here for a few days, so have no hope of catching up with everyone, sorry :(

I am a bit crap, but nearly bedtime so all good

*puts out comfy pillows and sunggle rugs*

I don't know what it is but I WANT a snuggle rug :) I hope you have a good peaceful night JK :)

Thanks for the hugs Julie - remember that you can tell the truth in here, don't say you're fine if you're not...*extra huggles*

Hannah!!! *pounces on* I remember you!!! Good to see you again....though perhaps not so good if you feel you need to be in the psych ward....the shower helped thanks. Wish I had words to help you keep your mind quiet, but as I don't, I shall just sit quietly with you and enjoy a cup of cammomile tea.

*huggles Mark* Its ok to keep saying the same thing, its better to say how you feel than to let it bottle up. I get up in the morning with the help of 60mg prozac, a coffee and 2proplus!!! I'm hoping that soon I'll want to get up and do things, if I come up with a way to motivate people, I'll share it with you, until then, don't push yourself and don't punish yourself for lack of motivation, its part of our mental health problems, far different from laziness.

I'm listening to 'seven drunken nights' by the dubliners, it makes me grin. Was listening to 'the sick note' before that. I wish I could share that on here, it makes you think, oh gosh, paddy had a **** day too!!! lol

*goes out to the smoking shelter*

Edit: *on way to smoking shelter she spots Jk snuggling down for the night and helps to tuck her in* Sorry I didn't see you there under your snuggle rug at first! Sorry to hear your having a crap time too at the moment. Wish I had more to help. Remember we're here for you always, even if you haven't been in the common room and able to catch up with us. We're always here for eachother with huggles and a listening ear whatever. I should shut up now and let you sleep!

*continues her way out to smoking shelter*

*hugs jk tight* i missed u *curls up*'m fine just fine

*smiles at Hayley and Mark*

ni night you lot
x

*hugs Julie back* hmmmm, I'm curling up a bit too hun. We're here for you if you're not fine, and also here to celebrate with you if you really are 'k? xx

*sprays self with pretty smelling stuff so as to not stink of fags*

ooooh in 24hours I will have just had my sanity injection in my arse! LOL!!!

*toddles off to do some laundry*

I'm Listening to "Boys for Pele" by Tori Amos. It's kind of floatly and nice , doesn't know where it wants to go , like my mind . I go through Tori Amos spells periodically . She came on my MP3 player earlier so I put her on in my flat. I don't know the Dubliners , I like Drunken Lullabies by Flogging Molly though are they similar? . I too get up to a bunch of meds and coffee and maybe energy drinks .
I've got one sleeve rolled up , examining my scars :S not good * Rolls sleeve down* sorry

Oh and I opened my door to go bill paying at the co-op and there where 3 ducks outside my front door , they must have gotten lost looking for the canal :)

*sit and makes up indervudal care packages for everyone*

awwww, ducks = cute and makes me smile ;)

i love ducks i raised one once

I Love Ducks too! I was surprised to be greeted by them at my door though ! lol

i want duckies at my door

Jk and Julie - I thought I'd tucked you up in bed! lol *hands both soft toy duckies to snuggle down with*

Mark - how cute to have them at your door - or did you think they were quackers?!.....sorry, couldn't resist....*chuckles* Drunken Lullabys by flogging molly has been on a few times this morning, I love that one too! Dubliners aren't as heavy as they are old school, lol, with more a traditional sound but they are a huge influence on bands such as flogging molly and dropkick murphy's. I grew up on the dubliner's as I'm half irish, though we had to be careful about singing the rebel songs when there was all the IRA troubles still going strong in the 80's. Takes me back to happier times.

*ponders*

Edit: ooh just read that back and to clarify, takes me back to happier times, is me being a child in the 80's, not happier times when there was IRA troubles!!!

i see u helen

Quackers? hehe , how could you Hayley!? :P

and hayley i wont be sleeping yet

*hugs ward*

Stressed by current financial situation. The friend whose daughter smashed my computer monitor four weeks ago STILL hasn't offered any payment - even though she said at the time that she would. She also hasn't offered any payment, or talk of payment from the meal from our Cairns trip on the same circumstances. My housemate and I have been talking and are even considering the Small Claims issue through the courts. The total cost is equal to about the same amount I get per fortnight on my Disability Pension. :(

I hate that kind of tension with friends.

Wish I could crawl into a hole ...

*hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.

*makes a special well suplyed pillow lined hole for Kahlia*

*hugs Lindsay* Thanks
*hugs Julie* Thank-you

Hmmm I'm sorry you are stressed over your financial situation Kahlia :( *Offers HUGS*

My blooming cats keep walking over my keyboard and pressing buttons!

:-p :hehe: mine do that to

These are my cats:

I missed Helen and Lindsay by the looks of things....*leaves germ free huggles parceled up for them for when they come back*

*huggles Julie* You staying up late then, not tired? Or in need of distraction?

*huggles Kahlia* yeah tension with friends over anything is horrid, but money when its essential is just...well, extra horrid. Especially when you were counting on that money for something so important for you. Is there any way you make her realise how essential it is that you get some money back soon, even if she can't do the full amount yet? I fear that if you take it to a small claims court you may ruin your freindship. Although, she has taken your friendship for granted by taking advantage of you in this situation and not thinking of how the consequences of her lack of contribution that she promised you affect you. Hmmm...sorry that doesn't really help you does it? *extra huggles*

Hmmm, I'm hungry....lunchtime methinks.....

Oooh Kitties!!! Awww. Lindsay they're lovely, will they give us wardies a cuddle?!