.....

*cuddles everyone then disappears back into the darkness once again*

*hugs laura and laura (and anyone else who wants hugging)*

I'm Ayla. Feeling quite low.

I've got a lot of uni work piling up.

I've been in control of urges for almost a year but it's suddenly got really hard this week. I can't really talk to anyone in my house, they get too freaked out.

I know I should sleep but I'd rather be doing something rather than just staring at the ceiling driving myself crazy.

How is everyone else?

*hugs laurafriend* try not to hurt yourself hun.

*cuddles helen* I read what u posted before u deleted it i just didnt have a chance to respond.. i wont mention it specifically since idk if u dont want it up or something but... Im sorry about all of that... U okay?

*hugs kahlia*

*hugs ayla* Uni can be so hard.. I have a lot of work for mine right now too. Im sorry u cant talk to anyone in ur house... can u tell someone else? u can always talk on here...

I had to delete it because partly of the people involved, two of them are here. Partly because it's not 100% true right now.

Everything's really bad right now :/

*hugs everyone tightly*

*runs into the darkest space she can find and curls up into a little ball crying into bear*

*hugs Ayla* uni work sucks. i dunno why they bother cos it's not like we went to uni to get a degree or anything.....:/ lol hope you manage to get it done...i know the feeling of having far too much to do..*hugs*

*hugs Laurastar* how you doing?

*hugs Helen* aww hun....hope it gets better soon.

*hugs Kahlia* .... *hands a dry teddy and blanket*

i've got to the point where i'm only just holding it together...i occasionally get these moments where it all goes red and i feel EVERYTHING for a few seconds and it hurts so much, but then it goes and i know i've got to deal with it at some point. i'm scared....
*curls up to sleep in the denial tent*

It hurts too much. It really hurts, but I have to deal with it, the other option hurts far too much more and I really would lose everything. *sighs* Been crying pretty much since 1am, except when I was asleep, it's 12pm now :/

*cries some more*

aww helen *hugs* i...i'm a bit rubbish at being helpful at the moment. :( sorry. have some more hugs and some tissues. lol *hugs* hope you feel better soon. anything i can do?

*gratefully accepts tissues and hugs*

Nothing anyone can do except the person it involves and they are. I wish I could get rid of this nasusa, shows that I've cried tons and tons. Thought it might go away after sleeping, but clearly not.

*curls up and cries*

aww *huggles* i always find that if i'm really upset going for a walk helps...i dunno if its the fresh air or the fact that i'm moving that helps... i dunno if it'd help you. altho having said that, if the weather's anything like it is here where you are, you're not gonna want to go out! lol
*hugs* look after yourself :)

Well I'm going out with my Dad in a bit, maybe that'll help :) Hopefully. Just had a shower, feel better for it, cleaner...

*hugs some more*

curls up in corner and sleeps, needs some sleeps 2 hours last night, had a very bad night, even worse morning. trying not to hurt myself really want to. crys

*hugs Helen* hope you have a great time out with your Dad and you feel better when you get back :)

*hugs shadowedsoul* sorry, i don't know your name :/ try and stay strong. we're here if you wanna talk. *hugs and hands a blanket and a teddy* :)

i just hurt myself. for no apparent reason. this is why i'm scared to actually let myself feel anything because if i can do this when i don't feel anything what am i gonna do when i feel really bad? :( i'm so scared
*hides under a blanket*

*cuddles both*

It's so nice to be back, I'd forgotten how helpful it can be to talk to people without being judged. I'm feeling a little more with it today, aside from having woken up with flu-like symptoms, I've obviously exhausted myself.

Laura (Fallin_star) - the people I live with are by far my closest friends but I can't even bring myself to talk to them about it. I think talking about it face to face often makes me feel worse. Nice to know there's a few of us feeling the pressure of uni work. I've just let it get on top of me and haven't been doing as much as I should have. Going to try and get myself back on track this week.

Laura (Imaginary_friend) please try not to be so hard on yourself. You say you hurt yourself for no apparent reason - I don't know anything about your situation but perhaps you hurt yourself because you're not letting yourself feel anything? I know for me when I let the shutters come down on my emotions I'll do anything to feel real again. It can be really scary to embrace even the positive feelings, let alone the negative ones, just take it one step at a time and try and show yourself some love. *hugs*

shadowedsoul (again, sorry I don't know your name), I feel for you. I often have trouble sleeping and it makes everything seem a lot worse, and when you feel worse it's harder to sleep and so on. Try and at least let your body rest though, maybe get in bed and try and read a book or something. *big hugs* i hope you get some sleep soon.

*cuddles Helen* you alrite chick?

*hugs Ayla* thanks :) yea maybe that is why i'm hurting myself but....i dunno. like i said in an earlier post, i do occasionally feel everything all at once and it's really scary. it's like i can't separate out my feelings...i have to feel everything all at once. i don't wanna let myself feel all that while i'm by myself because i'll end up doing something stupid or hurting someone else....i dunno. guess i need to talk to my counsellor about it tomorrow. i wish someone could help me *cries*

Oh Laura you poor thing. I understand feeling that way - it becomes impossible to separate the feelings out, know where they came from etc etc. It really can be scary. Sounds like talking to your counsellor about it would be a good idea. Do you have a good relationship (it's taking me a while to get up to speed with everyone)? Just take the rest of today bit by bit. *hands Laura some tissues and puts the kettle on*

thanks :) *takes the tissues and cries some more* i've only just started going back to counselling...like, last week was my first session! i think she thinks i'm a bit stupid tbh but i don't know who else to go to...it doesn't feel like the kind of thing i could go to the doctors about. i don't know. i just want to be somewhere safe where if i go mental i'm not gonna hurt anyone. or me. i just don't know what to do anymore *hides in a corner*

Laura - I'm sure your counsellor doesn't think you're stupid, it just takes time to build up that trust you need to feel safe in that environment. I've always had trouble with counselling but I think if you can make it work it can be a really good place to get it all out of your system. Keep your chin up sweetie, I'm around for the rest of the day so feel free to PM me as well.

*Sits close to the corner where Laura is hiding, just in case she needs more tissues and cuddles*

:) thankies. i'm hoping she'll be able to help...otherwise i am actually gonna go insane. i dunno what i'm gonna do....:(

*cuddles everyone*

Can this depressed mood, suicidal ideation and urge to self harm stop now please?

*disappears into the dark to cry*

Make this pain stop.
Make these tears stop flowing.
Make it go away :'(
I want to harm in so many ways.
I'm trying to keep my promise though.

*curls up*

*Puts a blanket over MammaMia so she doesn't get cold* (sorry I haven't picked up your name yet).
*Pushes a box of tissues into the darkness towards Kahlia just in case she needs them*.
*Lies down and pretends that if she stays there long enough she'll fall asleep eventually*.

Urgh, sorry didn't respond all day, have been pretty busy!!

*cuddles for all* Sorry also, am not in a good place for responses atm. Really anxious & stressed... feel like **** for no good reason & want to die. Can't talk to my NP or therapist about it though as they want me to go into the hospital if I keep feeling this way... :(

Busy day, yes. Went to my parents' in the morning & my mum helped me get some uni stuff done (yus, once again skipping church for uni work :( that makes me sad but I can't really help it... or can I? am I just a stupid slacker? :crying:) - resume & cover letter are complete!! Woohoo. So that's good. Ate too much at lunch, wanted to purge.

Came home, got stuff for laundry, went & did laundry, came back home, & here we are. Hopefully won't be going anywhere else tonight.

*hides in dark corner*

*cuddles all*

April, please look after yourself love, don't want anything bad to happen to you :'(

*hugs everyone*

I don't know if anyone reads my support thread, or even cares, but I used it last night to start making note of my research into the appalling treatment of psychiatric patients in my home town of Townsville, Qld, Australia. Of course, Townsville wasn't the only city or town to have massive atrocities committed in the name of psychiatric help but what sickens me the most is the fact that the leopard has not changed his spots. The system is tainted right from the top, and the hostile defensive attitude of the Director of Mental Health is detrimental to the health of the patients.

Sorry, I'm sure you didn't need to read all (or possibly any) of that. If you are interested in the start of what will be an article feel free to read my support thread.
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...=76148&page=24

*sneaks into the denial tent for a break*

i know i use the words 'I' and 'can't' a lot at the moment and i don't want to feel like this. but i can't do this anymore. i don't want to. i don't want to be here. i don't want to exist. i want to drink a lot, smoke and hurt myself. i want to self destruct and i'm sick of feeling this way. i've got noone to talk to here, unless i want to make some stressed people more stressed and i really just need a cuddle :'(

*cuddles Kahlia & LauraFriend*

Kahlia, I'll check it out. :) Sounds like you're putting forth quite a bit of effort for a VERY good cause!! Bravo.

LauraFriend, I understand... I feel the same way. I just want to self destruct and it's like... I can't. And I can't talk to people about how I feel because then they'll worry even more. I am so sick of life. But anyway, I understand at least a little what you feel like. *more cuddles*

Helen *cuddles* How are you, sweetie?

♥

i'm tempted to go for a walk and see what happens.....its like...11.30pm. argh. why do i feel like this? i'm just......**** knows.

*cuddles everyoen*

I think I've gone numb :S

I feel numb too, kind of. :( *cuddles Helen & LauraFriend* Be careful, please, Laura... don't do anything too risky, despite how much you want to do it.

I'm still suicidal... damn it... can't tell my parents as they would flip and I can't have that. Jarrod (husband) knows but can't really do anything... I see my therapist tomorrow & she told me to go to the ER last time I told her (in a text, so she couldn't really evaluate how I was doing). Gahhh. I feel so trapped. :crying:

*hides away for a long time*

*hugs April* maybe ER is a good idea...i dunno. i've never been. as long as you're not by yourself :) *hugs*

I'm not going out. I can't be bothered. I've got counselling in the morning too....not that I think she'll be any help at all. I'd be surprised if she doesn't get me sectioned tbh. i kind of want her to do something but i don't think she will....urgh. i don't even know anymore. mind****.

i suck at life... i can't even rant right... *hides in denial tent*

*cuddles everyone*

I feel so tired and drained .... and so sick of crying. So damn over it all.

*cuddles everyone*

*hides in here*
is all alone and need to be somewhere safe before I harm myself badly

*hugs everyone*
sorry - can't do individual replies right now.
*sits in a corner and hits her head against the wall*

Thanks for the cuddles April. I don't know if you have read what I wrote ... it's just very early stages at the moment but all the information I have is from official Commission & Inquiry reports. It is extremely interesting.

My mood is way low. I couldn't stop crying all morning. It just came out of nowhere and wouldn't go away. Good stuff has happened, but I can't feel good. And the hospital thinks that all it needs to do is keep me safe - but without changing anything in the situation, there isn't going to be a point where I feel safe. *bangs head against wall*

*cuddles everyone then disappears into the darkness*

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia ♥ what exactly is the situation that is causing you so much pain?

Helen, how you doing, love?

LauraFriend, what's up?

*holds you all gently*

I'm so tired. Got up at 5:45am... too early, lol, but I wanted some time on WoW before I had to get ready to leave. Therapy this morning. Am not looking forward to that. At all. Oh well, I hope it'll be better than I think it will be... it usually is except this time we're going to have to talk about the suicidality. :(

Then I go to tutoring, for 2 hours, then an hour break, then class. *sigh* I don't want to. *whinge* Heh... :'(

So it's a long day... & there's still homework that I need to do, that I will be doing in a moment. GRRRR. :(

:(

I think the numbness has stopped and the pain is back. I still want to destroy myself. I'm trying not to. I can't break my promise. This pain WILL end eventually, and they're feeling it too I know. It's so so so so hard. But she's my best friend, I'm doing it for her, for us both, for me...

Today isn't going well. I seem to have got really ill with the flu over night, had to go to work this morning as I can't miss out on the money at the moment. Spent most of my 2 hours at work trying not to vomit/faint/cry and what made it worse was I was notetaking for a student who does health and social care so spent the whole seminar having to listen to people talk about mental health problems - I despair at the fact that even the people who are going to be working in the mental health field were so unsympathetic.

I've got two hours now before I have to present some creative work in my own seminar, what I've written is awful. I can barely talk because my throat is so sore. All I want to do is curl up in a ball but I've missed so much uni recently I'm going to get in big trouble if I don't go, I can't afford to resit the year and my uni supervisor is already hinting at that being what they want to do. I can't really process my thoughts so I doubt any of this is making sense.

I am so tired. Feel even worse than I did a couple of days ago because I am so ill on top of everything else. I really don't know how long I can last. I've told my boyfriend that I'm not doing so good and he got really angry, as always. I feel awful putting him through this and I understand why he finds it so frustrating, I just wish I could make him see that the guilt thing makes it even worse.

I just want this all to end.

*squishes Helen* You know in your head that self destruction isn't the way to go, that it's wrong etc... hopefully your heart will know it soon, love. And I hope that that makes sense!! heh. How are you doing? I wish I could help you all so much more than I can...

*cuddles Ayla, if that's okay?* I'm so sorry that you're ill... just got over the flu myself in the beginning of January & it was awful, pretty much just stayed in bed. :( Hope you feel better soon... it must be horrific trying to keep functioning whilst being so sick!! And I'm also sorry that your boyfriend isn't being as supportive as he could be - because that's what you need right now, support, not criticism. *gentle hugs* I understand why my husband gets upset with me at times, but that doesn't mean that it's right for him to do that. It's understandable... but it doesn't mean that it's what you need. Does that make sense? Sorry, I'm ill too - head cold - so my head is a bit muzzy too!! heh.

Therapy wasn't as bad as I thought it would be... am still passively suicidal & feeling ****ing worthless. It feels like I can't do anything right, like I'm just a worthless person, stupid & annoying etc. :(

I wish I could whisk us all off to a perfect world... :(

*curls up and dies*
Please wake me when the nightmare has ended.

I know the feeling... *cuddles Helen more*

Oliver, I forgot to welcome you to this thread... so... WELCOME. :) And *cuddles lots* too. How are you doing?

Am going to post in my r/v thread... I think... *sigh*

*cuddles April*
I tried to read your r/v thread.
Brain isn't taking anything in.
Well tiny bits.

*gently holds Helen and rocks back & forth* Wish I could help you, sweetie. Thanks for trying to read it, no worries that your brain couldn't take anything much in - you're going through a lot right now.

Just want to b/p. Ugh. :crying:

You know on Saturday night.
Before she went away and came back.
I said...it can't get much worse than this, well apart from someone dying.
How wrong I was :'( :'( :'(

Don't even know why I'm telling you this.
Nobody needs to know that piece of useless information.


God I want to cut.
So much.
Yet I'm stopping myself.
I have to.

*cuddles April, rocking back & forth too*

*hugs Oliver* I know the feeling....hope you're feeling a bit better *hands a cookie*

*hugs Kahlia* aww hun, i wish there they would do something for you :( *hugs*

*hugs Helen* self destruction is what i feel like too atm....my counsellor says its not a good way to go (lol)....

*hugs Ayla* yea, the guilt thing really doesn't help. my friend trys it on a regular basis but it's not like we can help it....urgh. *hugs* hope you feel better soon! x

*hugs April* i hope your day wasn't as bad as you thought it might have been - its good therapy was kinda helpful. *hugs* hope your cold gets better soon! x

counselling was horrible. it was so emotionally draining....i told my counsellor everything that's happened in the last week pretty much. and she's given me a leaflet on self esteem, told me to go to the doctors and to write a list of what i can do to help myself for the next session. urgh. she also suggested that i buy some sort of soft toy with beans in that i can carry around in my bag so if i feel angry when i'm out i can hold that rather than hiding in the toilet and self harming. so i did. he's very cute and called splodge :) lol

i'm going out later...it's presidential election results in our college later (massive deal!) and one of my friends is going for it so that'll be stressful, esp. if he doesn't get it. also, the guy that i've been having the issues will be there....and that didn't go too well last night when i saw him so *fingers crossed* i'll be ok. but, just to be on the safeside, i'm gonna get drunk before i go down...haha. urgh. i'm a wreck

*hugs Helen* aww hun. i know how you feel.....michael mcintyre dvd anyone? *puts it on*