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one_step_closer 14-01-2010 10:32 AM

I feel like overdosing. I can't cope with life any more.

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 02:05 PM

*hugs One_step* What's up, love? care to talk about it?

*cuddles Kahlia* So sorry to hear about your ankle. It sounds very painful, but at least you're trying to take good care of it instead of mistreating it. I probably would be mistreating it, since I don't take very good care of myself. :-/ How you doing other than that? :)

*cuddles Laura* How're you doing today, sweetie?

*huggles Franz* Have missed you over the past days... isn't it best to come on when you're in a bad place mentally so you can get support? Feel free to PM me... *more huggles*

*hugs Helen* How're you doing, love? and how's your friend? have you heard anything more?

I'm doing much better... although now my husband has the bug and threw up this morning. Ugh. Very unpleasant. :( I hate being sick and all of that... but at least it's passing. Uni starts on Tuesday and I've still not got my books!! so I'd best get cracking on that... I hate being unprepared but I've been sick since we got back (well, since Tuesday morning) and haven't had any time to go and get books. Boo hiss. :(

We watched the 2nd episode of Bones (season one) this morning... we watched scattered episodes whilst at Vince's house but not in order, so we decided to start at the beginning and watch through all five seasons. :D I'm excited about that. I love that show... hehe. Although this one made me almost tear up... :o

I'm in a "meh" place mentally... I dunno why, it's just kind of rough. I don't see my NP until the 26th and I don't know if I have enough meds to last until then... I see my therapist on Monday and I am worried about that. I don't know. Just all kind of messed up. :(

*needs hugs*

MammaMia 14-01-2010 04:10 PM

My best friend is doing really well. Not emotionally, but physically she's doing well :) She was awake some more yesterday and left intensive care last night. She's still in hospital at the moment, but suprising me and doing really well. We've been talking a little bit :)

One_step_closer, forgot your name but don't OD :(

Kahlia, glad you're getting your ankle checked, doesn't sound good at all.

Laura, how you doing love??

April, biiiig hugs.

SoMuchMore 14-01-2010 05:01 PM

*hugs kahlia* Ouch, your ankle sounds painful. Sounds like a good idea to get it checked.

*cuddles one_step_closer* Please try not to OD... Stay strong hun.

*hugs april* I love Bones too! Although i cant say ive ever watched the episodes in order lol. Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. Hope things go okay with your therapist, just try to be open with them...

*hugs helen* I'm glad that your friend is doing better!

I am not doing great. I pretty much snapped at one of my friends last night when she was talking about how she doesnt like to make phone calls... I have social anxiety disorder... and normally i dont like people to know that i have a hard time... but she was complaining and complaining and i was having a hard time anyway, and i went off on how i depersonalize just walking down the street thinking that everyone is staring and when i have to talk infront of more than just a few friends i rarely remember what i said b/c i get so anxious.... she was like.. "oh come on... how traumatizing can that really be?"... idk it irked me quite a bit. She didnt really seem mad or anything... just unbelieving...and when we went back to the original topic of phone calls she was like, "well i guess some people just have issues"

Sorry this is a long and boring story.. Im upset over nothing.. as usual..

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 05:11 PM

So glad that your friend is doing better, Helen... I can imagine that she would still be in a rough place emotionally, though, wow. But it's awesome that she's out of the ICU right now. Awesome. :D But how are YOU doing?? *cuddles*

Apparently my cat took away my contact lense case and one of its caps so I only have one cap left... going to have to find that before tonight comes and I want to put my contacts away. :( My tummy still isn't too happy with me so a lot of bending over etc. doesn't make it feel too good. Stupid body, how I hate you!! :( Well, I suppose I should blame more the GI bug, right? heh. :-/

I've been so ****ing anxious lately... I take 4mg Klonopin and I really don't want to bump it up to 5mg, especially as I'm not sure I have enough to last me until my next NP appt, but I hate the anxiety!! It is so crippling. :( Can any of you guys understand? It's like someone or something is in my chest, crushing my lungs and throat and making it really difficult to breathe and talk. Jarrod (husband) had to talk me through deep breathing over and over and over again last night... poor him, heh, I think he got annoyed with me as I kept hyperventilating!!

*cuddles everyone* ♥

MammaMia 14-01-2010 05:11 PM

It's understandable you're upset Laura *cuddles tight* That would irk me too.

MammaMia 14-01-2010 05:12 PM

April, you're very right about my best friend :) Hope you find your cap thing and soon :) *cuddles*

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 05:13 PM

Aw Laura, that's not upset over nothing. Your friend didn't seem to be very understanding or kind... and that's not really how a friend should act. You're not being stupid or anything... I'd be upset, too, as it's difficult for me to call places. In fact, my NP gave me the number of her new office last week and I just called yesterday to set up an appt... and as I said in another post, the appt's on the 26th and I'm not sure that I have enough meds to last me until then!! So yeah... :-/ Social anxiety can be annoying & traumatic. But you're not alone. *huggles*

SoMuchMore 14-01-2010 05:21 PM

*cuddles helen*

*hugs april* yea, i know im not alone... it still sucks though. If you think you are running out of meds can you call and ask if there is anything they can do to get you a refill before the 26th? (i know.. after all this about anxiety my suggestion is to call.. haha.. ironic)

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 05:23 PM

Lol. I could always text my NP to see if she'd call in a refill of Klonopin for me... she's done that before. Texting is so much easier than calling!!


MammaMia 14-01-2010 05:35 PM

I love texting. HATE calling. The only two people I'm happy to call are my best friends lol. Oh and maybe couple of other friends. But yes, not a fan of calling :/

SoMuchMore 14-01-2010 05:47 PM

I always always text too if i have the option... i pretty much only call my family and my boyfriend.. everyone else i try to text first and only call if its an emergency lol.

*declares a denial section of the ward where everything can be done via text, including setting up appointments/making reservations*

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 05:54 PM

*goes into Laura's denial section of the ward* :D Great idea, love. Hehe. I wish I could make appts by texting; that would be too awesome for words. But sadly I can't. Boo hiss. But - here I can!! :D

I don't mind calling a few people on my contacts list. But only a few, and usually I text prior to calling to make sure I'm not interrupting them. >_<

Grrrrr. I want to eat real food but I don't want to make myself sick. My mum is going to Walmart for us to pick up some jello and applesauce... so at least that will be a little better than just crackers. Lol.

*cuddles everyone*

MammaMia 14-01-2010 05:56 PM

We do have a denial tent in here too =)


Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 06:03 PM

Denial tents rock... :P

Lalalaaaa... *sings to self*

My back hurts. :(

MammaMia 14-01-2010 06:12 PM

My head hurts =( lol.

La la la *crawls into denial tent* Everything's fine hahaha

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 06:17 PM

Aww. My head hurts a little, too. :( Boo hiss.

*curls up in denial tent with a teddy and a fleece blanket*

I'm sooo tired!!

MammaMia 14-01-2010 06:23 PM

Have a nap =)

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 08:09 PM

Mmm I just got up from one... didn't actually fall asleep, just lay there for about an hour listening to Superchick and relaxing. :) Naps are good for when you're sick... in fact, naps are good anytime!! (except in class... lol)

How are you all doing now? *cuddles*

MammaMia 14-01-2010 08:18 PM

Good idea =D

I'm **** haha and next door have decided they want to do some REALLY LOUD BANGING AGAIN >.>

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 08:25 PM

Aw, what's going on to make you feel ****?

I'm feeling pretty **** myself actually... gonna post in my r/v thread about it in a bit. *sigh* And my tummy hurts... again... I think I ate too much. :(

MammaMia 14-01-2010 08:31 PM

I'm absloutely ****ing fuming. Arrrgh >.>

But um yes. Am **** because of stuff going on with my best friends. Trying to be strong and help them both. I don't want to lose them. But it's really getting to me. Sick of some people's opinions. Sick of it all. Can we just fast forward time??

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 08:33 PM

I wish we could. :( *cuddles* Sounds like you're in a rough spot, wish I could help more. What's going on with your best friends? care to talk about it at all?

Updated my venting spot thread. Is probably an ED trig though, in case anyone goes to read it. If anyone cares. >_<

MammaMia 14-01-2010 09:01 PM

I wish we could too. :'( *cuddles tight* Feels pretty rough. Think I'm getting into the same feeling/moodset as my best friends? Sort of am there already but keep changing moods. If that makes sense?

Well I have one best friend in hospital, as you know, wishing she was dead, wishing she could run and go do it all over again and and :'(

My other best friend, she's having one of her breakdowns. Should be used to it by now. She claims it's a mini one, but I honestly believe it's one of her full-blown ones. The last time she was this bad, we nearly lost her. Her care co-ordinater is being the shits. Not helping at all. I'm soooo scared. I really am and it's really upsetting me. I love her so much. I can't risk losing her.

I care about how you feel, I'll maybe read your rant thread in a little while. *cuddles tight*

SoMuchMore 14-01-2010 09:14 PM

*hugs april* aw hun, i just read ur venting thread.. Im sorry you are having such a hard time. Hang in there.

*cuddles helen* im sorry about your friends. It sucks when it feels like u have to be supportive for everyone but are struggling to hold it together. Stay strong.

MammaMia 14-01-2010 09:16 PM

We just had a good chat online, now I want to burst into tears :( But you're right Laura it is hard. Normally she'd be telling me that I don't have to hold it together infront of her (the one who's not in hospital aha). We'll get through this. I apprantly made her smile, so that's a good start. Hope she sleeps tonight, poor love :(

SoMuchMore 14-01-2010 09:21 PM

Glad to hear that you guys were able to talk, and smiling is always a positive :-)
U maybe should cry if u feel like u want to/are able to.. sometimes it helps i guess (im not a giant fan of crying but, its supposed to be good for u *shrug* idk heh)

MammaMia 14-01-2010 09:23 PM

It's funny. I used to cry about once a month say? Then in July, when I visited said best friend, I cried a lot, and I mean a LOT. Then after that I didn't really cry. Had a couple small cries here and there but they weren't a good PROPER cry. Went for months waiting. Then I've cried loads in nearly the space of two weeks. I'm running out of tears again I think. Keep welling up (like I did for months) but not crying yet. *sighs* Think when I go down to see her, I'll end up epically crying at least once again haha. Loser.

SoMuchMore 14-01-2010 09:30 PM

aw ur not a loser. I am kinda the same way, ill cry a lot for a short period of time but then go months and months with nothing. Sometimes i wish i would cry, especially when the situation is appropriate.. but i never do.. which is prolly one of the reasons why i hate it lol, i always seem to cry in settings that do not call for it..

Anyway, off to get some stuff done for the set up for my classes.

MammaMia 14-01-2010 09:39 PM

Also you always cry at the worst time >.<

Have fun!!

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 09:53 PM

I've not had a proper cry in a long time. A few tears trickling down here and there, a few rusty sobs, but nothing really PROPER about it. I rarely even tear up anyway... and as you said, Helen, never at the right time!! >_< I hate that.

I'm feeling bleh right now. I think I had too much to eat at once... yurgh. So I'm trying to distract myself. I'm used to being able to drink as much as I want of any beverage I want, as they are almost always diet or low-cal, but now with the apple juice/ginger ale that I've been drinking, it's the sugary kind as I need the calories from that. And I can't drink a whole lot of it or else I feel full - which is my problem now. :(


*cuddles Laura* How you doing, love?

*huggles Helen* Yeh, it must be really difficult now with your friends, trying to hold them up and also hold YOU up. Maybe now it's time for you to learn to "let go and let God"? - if you believe in God, that is. I dunno, just a thought. You're not superhuman, and they have free will, as hard a thought as that is to accept. *holds you gently*

MammaMia 14-01-2010 09:59 PM

Hope you feeling better soon :)

I know there's only SO much I can do..

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 10:15 PM

I'm feeling a bit better now, thanks. :) Distraction works wonders... lol.

Yeh, there is only so much you can do. I hope that doesn't/didn't sound condescending in any manner... certainly didn't mean it to. *cuddles*

*hides in corner*

MammaMia 14-01-2010 10:30 PM


Why you hiding, might join you actually

*hides away in the denial tent*

Scarletdreamer 14-01-2010 11:46 PM

Yeh, just don't feel too good. Really really REALLY anxious, and I only have 1mg Klonopin (out of 4mg/daily) to take... I hate feeling this way. Plus I'm scared I'm going to be sick again and I really don't want that. I feel so full and I am so tired of having whatever flu this is... *cries*

I should probably go read something for fun, but I am scared that I won't be able to concentrate properly. I don't know. Epic failure. :(

MammaMia 15-01-2010 12:06 AM

*cuddles* Hoppe you feel better soon, if only a little bit

SoMuchMore 15-01-2010 03:21 AM

*cuddles april and helen*

Im tired of having everything I do belittled by others... Gah, i'm so sick of it. I just want to SI, curl up on my bed, and sleep. That will through 2 months of work out trying to stop SI out the door.. but who cares, i bet that achievement will be seen as nothing like everything else in my life.

..... im sorry...

Scarletdreamer 15-01-2010 08:48 AM

Oh Laura, love, 2 months of no SI is wonderful!!! People in your life - IRL - may not appreciate that because they haven't been through the struggle to not SI, and don't understand what the urges are like. But we do. Please remember this, sweetie... we remember, we care, and we are proud of you for keeping on fighting!! *holds you gently* What's going on now that's so rough - who's belittling what? ♥

Helen, how you doing this morning?

I'm up super early... got up at 3:15am and it's now 3:45am. I probably should've stayed in bed but once my husband was up and awake, so was I. Whoops. Haha. But he's feeling better, which is good, and actually had some cereal for breakfast ("breakfast" - at this time of morning?! lol)... I am planning on giving that a go in a bit, seeing as he's only been sick for 2 days and I've been sick for four. Heh. :) I will be so happy if the cereal that I like settles okay!! :D (the small things in life... heehee)

Erm so yeh, I guess I'm in an okay mood. :-/ Still a little worried about some things but I did get a good night's rest and so will be okay for a bit. *cuddles all 'round*

SoMuchMore 15-01-2010 09:13 AM

*hugs april* glad to hear that you and your husband are feeling a bit better. stomache bugs really suck.

I SI'd a few hours ago.. couldnt take it anymore. I was at dinner earlier and everyone was talking about how hard their work is (school and otherwise) and then one started talking about how he has to take a class in liberal arts (i should mention i was at dinner with engineering and business majors... except for myself, i'm a psychology and journalism double major)... The whole table went in an uproar about how easy and pointless liberal arts and science classes are... I'm used to this conversation as all my friends are in the "hard" majors and normally im fine... but im just so tired of people thinking that i dont work as hard for things in my life as they do. Its not an attention thing... I just want to be able to contribute to a conversation without people thinking that I am less then they are...

I feel like everything is building up... with the things with my friends an family, anxiety, and now this... And i feel so guilty/stupid now that i was 2 months free and that just a month ago i thought i was starting to figure things out. Guess that was wishful thinking.

Kahlia1981 15-01-2010 10:07 AM

... And I would run away were it not for the beast that dwells within me that reminds me that man is always one step from a descent into madness...

*cuddles everyone then curls up in a dark corner and cries*

Scarletdreamer 15-01-2010 01:05 PM

*cuddles Laura* Hun, I think you are starting - and that is the key word, starting - to get things figured out. It takes a long time to do that, though. I haven't yet. A lot of us haven't. Some of us never will. In fact, I don't know if it's entirely POSSIBLE for us to figure everything out entirely. But anyway - I understand what you mean. I'm a psychology major as well and was a biology major. My dad, mom, and sister were all biology majors (and my sister was also chemistry & Spanish, yes, a triple major >_<)... so I felt pressure to go into "hard science." Yes, those classes are tough - but so are the ones that we take as psych majors. Plus, you're doing a dual major - good on you!! That's amazing. Maybe next time people start belittling that type of major you could try and defend them a little, or at least to yourself, telling yourself that you've had classes that almost anyone would have difficulty with (I know I have - Theories of Counseling, my first psych class other than the intro [I came in late] - had to write a 20-page paper describing my model of counseling). Does that make sense? *more cuddles*

*holds Kahlia* What's up, love?

Well, my husband and I went back to bed after playing WoW for an hour... lol. So now we just got back up again, at 7:30am. I'm so tired... :P ...but today I'm getting my uni books, and am looking forward to that. :) Whee... I am not - NOT - ready yet for uni to start back up on Tuesday, but I suppose I'll have to be ready by then. >_<

Feeling much better. :) Am eating now, the cereal I wanted, and it's settling just fine. Yey!! :D

Kahlia1981 15-01-2010 01:11 PM

*cuddles April* - I'm not doing too well. My dangerous thoughts are running rampant. My housemate has labelled me as "moderate suicide risk". I just want to give in right now.

I saw my tdoc today. He told me that he felt disconncted from me. He asked me if I trusted him and he was a bit hurt I think when I told him that I ddn't. He kept pushing me and I kept retreating into myself.

My ankle kills ... Doctors don't know what's wrong. My housemate has sugested hiring crutches to make it easier to get around ... I'm actually considering it. Our nextdoor neighbour has offered to drive me around if I need to go somewhere, he's a really nice guy.

MammaMia 15-01-2010 02:16 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry, I would attempt to reply to posts, but I just can't lol.

Scarletdreamer 15-01-2010 02:58 PM

*cuddles Kahlia* Why don't you trust your tdoc? I understand that it's hard, especially if you have only been seeing him for a little while, but at the same time... maybe it would be best to give it a shot? (not saying that you aren't - I'm not sure as you didn't say) Is there any way that you can get help with the suicidal thoughts? because life WILL get better, you've just got to wait out the storm... I know, I know, cliché and all, but I do truly believe that. For you and practically everyone except myself, hypocrite that I am, anyway. >_<

You probably should get crutches, so you don't aggravate your ankle any further. Did the docs take X-rays?

*huggles Helen* What's up, love? How're your best friends doing?

MammaMia 15-01-2010 03:31 PM

*hugs April*

I feel really trapped in darkness? Not sure how either are doing to be honest. Hopefully will speak to them both soon.

SoMuchMore 15-01-2010 05:15 PM

*hugs kahlia* I agree with what april said about ur tdoc. Hang in there hun.

*hugs helen* Where is the darkness coming from? Anything in particular? Hope you are alright?

*hugs april* yea i guess that makes sense... and I do defend things in my head.. and i defend the crap out of myself to my bf.. who doesnt belittle my life but still always gets the brunt of my freak outs.. oops.. However, its getting to the point where I feel worse and worse about it.
And idk if im starting to figure things out... I always seem to go in circles, getting better, worse, bottom, etc... Most of the time they are kinda quick circles, this one was longer.. so i thought something i was different. I wanted something to be different. I guess not though.

My uni starts on tuesday again too. Gotta get some books at some point heh...

Scarletdreamer 15-01-2010 08:34 PM

*huggles Helen* Sorry you feel like ****, and in the darkness - I second Laura's question, do you know where the darkness is coming from? and is there anything that we can do to help, other than be here to listen?

*cuddles Laura* Maybe it's a spiral upwards, not a circle... just one of those slanted spirals that goes down at one part but up at another, but up overall. Does that make sense? That is kind of how I view my life, tbh. A spiral. I cycle, as I'm bipolar and have constant mood swings. But maybe try to look at it that way? If you went a longer time this time on that "circle" then maybe next time will be even longer? *holds you gently*

You're in the States, right? (just making sure that Iowa City is right :P) I'm really not looking forward to uni starting, it's going to be a very very difficult semester I'm afraid. I have:
- Senior seminar
- Health psychology
- Advanced Counseling Techniques
- Intro to Sociology
- Women & Spirituality (which I can drop if I need, since I'm only taking it so I can have one last class with my best friend... lol)

And that's it. But the top three are supposed to be really tough... I'm really looking forward to them as I love psychology, but I'm scared that I will do awfully in them. Stupid fears as I've gotten a 4.0 in my major so far (all A's)... not meaning to brag, honestly I'm not, I'm not really that smart. I dunno. :-X

Mmm, hubby just brought me some chicken broth... it smells heavenly!!

MammaMia 15-01-2010 09:19 PM

Don't know where it's coming from. I'm guessing it's the usual darkness and just made worse by the past couple of weeks..

Scarletdreamer 15-01-2010 09:26 PM

*holds Helen gently and rocks back and forth slowly*

I'm not in the best place now myself... feeling darkness and despair all around. :(

MammaMia 15-01-2010 09:39 PM

*cuddles April*

It'll be ok for us both

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