Met with my nurse this afternoon . Was REALLY full on .She is pushing me to "Get out there" and meet people which scares me a lot , she Insisted I ring Becky from the befriending people with severe mental health issues agency , , I was shaking when I rang her :S But I did it so yey me ! I guess . Then we disscusse WHY I am having alcohol craving so badly latley , what thoughts I'm having , the fact that I haven't acheived what people I know my age have acheived and I should've , My S.I. Scars , My weight ( Which I am getting increasingly upset about) and my meds , the sheer amount of them and being on them so long term .

I've had to take a Diaz , I'm so triggered by having to face all these thoughts , My mind is "High Pitched" if that makes sense ? Please someone tell me if that makes sense because it's the only way I can think of to descibe it.

She said I was ambivilent not Numb and we can work with that... :S

*Hugs Felicia* I'm sorry your leg hurts , is the wound okay?

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs April* We are human , we make mistakes , don't beat yourself up over it lil Sister :)

I could be better not had a great day

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Louise*

*hugs Mark* i'm sorry things were not great for you today.

Cuddles everbody. Cheers April for the pm it helped alot, just to get out the thoughts that were running through my head. Thank you. And no sorry needed I know you have alot going on at the sec so no worries. Big bear hug.

Do you want to talk about it, Louise?

Hey Lindsay :) *Hugs* How are you this evening ?

Mark, love, all of what you said makes sense to me. :) And thanks for the reassurance, you're right, we all do make mistakes 'cause we are human & therefore aren't perfect. I just felt/feel really dumb for making that mistake. :( Oh well. I'm sorry that you're so triggered and numb/ambivalent... *gentle cuddles* Is there anything I/we can do to help you feel better?

Jill, glad that the PM helped some. *hugs* I totally understand what you mean about it helping to get the thoughts out there. :)

What's up, Louise, sweetie? *huggles* I'm here if you need to talk, PM inbox is always open. :) Or anyone else here would probably be glad to talk with you via PM as well, or you can just post on here, that's fine too. Or not post at all, up to you. :) You have choice. (That's something I learnt today in therapy... may seem simple but it is not something that feels like it's simple!!)

Lindsay, how are you doing? *hugs gently* Feeling any better than the other evening?

I rang up about the job but it sounded like I called a fax machine, not a phone number (?). So yeah. I tried twice and will try again in a bit, but that was really kind of a letdown after I got myself alllll keyed up. :( Oh well. :(

Sounds like Jarrod & I may be going to the county fair sometime this evening, which would be nice, I guess - get to see a lot of old friends from 4-H and current friends as well - like my bestie. :D I'm looking forward to it, although am a little scared for people to see how FAT I am now. :'(

Anyway. :-S

*extra cuddles to all*

Oh, & this is a VERY pretty song you all might enjoy... it's from the WoW soundtrack... but even if you're against WoW-the-game, give the song a listen. :)

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbO66QPIFlc&feature=related[/ame]

I love it, personally. XD And not just because it's from the game's soundtrack. It's so pretty, haunting and mournful, I don't know... just so very pretty.

Am exhausted. Wish I could take a nap but that would make my contacts dry out even more, and yes, I could take 'em out and then put them back in later, but I'm too lazy to even do that. >_<

:(

Oh, and I did text my NP. No response yet.

Nice song , Probably not in the mindset to appreciate it atm but thanks for sharing April :)

SO.... I cut , deep enough to leave an ugly scar , Another one , Not suprised it happened , all my emotions are up in the air after meeting my nurse , I took a Diaz earlier but it must have worn off , went for a walk , came back to my flat , there was no more putting it off :S Sorry ......

*hugs Mark* I'm sorry today was so rough. Take care of your wound, okay?

April, the song is really really hauntingly beautiful. I love it. :)

*hugs Louise* you wanna talk about it? My PM box is always open to anyone on here.

Lindsay, how are you?

I'm pretty much done with life, guys. I can't do this. My own mother hasn't talked to me in a week, then we she does call me, she gets mad that I have to move into uni on Sunday, and she's going to the state fair on Saturday. I told her I could go as long as I was back Saturday night to finish up packing. Then she got all pissed at me again and said that was okay, she has my stepsister who is so much better than me and who is everything she wanted me to be.
Then... my friend/ roommate for uni texted me and she is completely going off on me because I want a say in what our room looks like. Then she has the decency to ask how I'm doing with SI, and I tell her and her reply is: "Felicia, I am ****ing sick of this cutting obsession of yours. How ****ing hard is it to not carve yourself up like a turkey. It's ****ing dangerous."
Ummm... really? I didn't know that, I mean come on I'm only the person who's been in the hospital more than once for my SI. </sarcasm>
So... I cut again. Sorry. And I really really really want to burn too... Like, so badly.

*Hugs Felicia* People can be mean , I'm sorry you are having a tough time , I'm not so good at the advice , I hope you are looking after the wound well and please try not to burn :( Stay safe :)

I'm trying. I keep putting it off for 5 minutes... then 5 more... and I'm hoping the urge will pass once I calm down some.

Also Felicia , maybe she re-acted like that because she is genuinally concerned for you and doesn't understand S.I. all that well . She might really care .

I know she cares. I know that's why she reacted that way, but she's just done nothing today but bitch me out, and her text was not worded nicely. And it just pisses me off that she thinks she knows everything about it, when I'm the one who's lived it for 12 freakin' years.

*cuddles Mark* I'm sorry you SI'd that badly, love... wish I could be there IRL to offer support, but just try to imagine lil sister hugs. :) Things will get better, I know that they will, you've just got to keep hanging in there. And anyway, I think that nearly anyone would've SI'd after such a deep and scary conversation with your nurse today. Well done for getting through it.

Oh Felicia, sweetie... *cuddles* So sorry that your mum is being so nasty. People really are mean, Mark is right... wish I could be there IRL for you as well. :( If it means anything at all, to me (and probably the other wardies too) you're sweet, kind, intelligent, and - yes - feisty. :D As you know, you're NOT the only one who's been in the hospital for SI, obviously... so yeah. That's really a mean message that you got from your roomie. Are you sure you want to share a room with her? couldn't you change and pay a little extra for a single or is that too much money/too dangerous for you? Just curious, sorry if it were a dense suggestion. :-S Oh, & glad you liked the song. :D

Ugh , People calling at my door for charity , put me on the spot , I feel guilty so say no when they ask if I was over 25 (I'm 29) and they just look at you like they KNOW you're lying , I just had that and now I feel bad for lying :( and what charity sends people round at 8.50 pm anyway? , I just ignored the door earlier when they came but they came back and I thought it might be my neighbour or someone at the door.

EDIT: That make's it sound like I'm a scrooge ,I'm not . I do donate to one charity and I live on income support and I can't afford to give money to every charity that asks .

Thanks April. I want to get a single, but I'm not allowed by my uni, cause in 2008 I had one, and went through a rough time, and attempted suicide, and was found by my RA cause I didn't respond when she knocked on my door for an emergency floor meeting.
So... I'm hoping my friend can just accept that it's a struggle and it's hard to stop, and I'm trying.
And I'm beginning to wonder how long it's gonna take me to calm down. I feel like exploding... gahhhhh...

Erm sorry thought I could write that and be okay with it, but I can't. It doesn't matter it's okay. Curls up and hides