Its really hard to do that... i feel bad when I cant help others with things and i will take it to heart to do better the next time so that i can help him/her instead of myself. I believe that i dont deserve the help and accolades that people tell me or give me.

I blame myself for the silliest things if I can find a way that it was/could have been my fault. I never understood why... i just do. Its painful yes, but i accept full blame even if its not my fault... i try to be good enough for everyone and when that fails, it must be my fault somehow or someway.

I used to see a psych in the past -- over a year ago. I broke it off with him because we began to struggle and fight over how i was doing and the relegation of control. My greatest fear, which i am sure many on here share, is having to be hospitalized. I have narrowly avoided it twice and i doubt luck would be on my side if it came up a 3rd time.

Its like a vicious circle that I can escape for sometime... but right now i can't... it feels like its getting worse everyday and I am losing control.

The last meeting i had with the psych was over this basically when we fought over how much control i had, if i was a SH risk and stuff like that which led to him raising the potential of HP for a few days so i could "relax and regroup" with a better system in place to help me and I refused and shouted at him... which pretty much ended our session lol. I was recommended for day hospitalization a few years back when I was at college, but my parents refused to allow me to do it thinking i would be better off at home and didnt want that following me in life -- plus the psych wanted to add stipulations if i did go (cause he recognized i was a big escape risk lol as well as i could hide stuff pretty well) -- i was pretty bad off for a few days then.... it sucked -- that was the one time i nearly lost it in the office (on campus) cause he said brb and he was gone for 20 mins and he told me i just fell short of being involuntarily HP'd because i was not an imminent risk. Sucks now VA law has changed to "substantial likelihood" so i am kinda screwed now lol...

*hides in the magic fort*

Its getting really bad again :(

*joins Matt in fort and offers safe hugs*
I know the feeling hun. What specifically is getting worse? xx

Too much drama and backstabbing at work... I am trying to remain neutral and not pick sides but its becoming so difficult to do that. I am basically at wits end and struggling mightily to keep my emotional well-being in check. I am already a lil psychotic, but I know where the boundaries lie - as in when I need to take a walk or leave work for a lil while aka lunch. Put family stuff and friend stuf on top and its a volatile mixture that I am desperately trying to keep control of. I haven't SH'd at all yet, thanks to some remarkable patience I have and Halo 4 lol... but I can't hold on much longer like this without something going wrong or bad happening

hugs everyone

anyone about

*hugs Julie* hope that's okay

What's up?

*hides*

What's wrong risen? *hugs*

Did I check out of here? No? Good. I need to stay..

*sits down in aluminum chair and stares out the window*

*checks in forever* think I'm cracking up guys

I know this site caters to under 16s as well, but I wish the mood list had a option for '****ed'

*hugs Katie and concrete*

What's wrong Katie?

Would you like a nice warm brownie concrete?

Very dissociative, can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes before I start to fade. Keep losing time, between a couple of minutes and an entire evening. Flashbacks, body memories, nightmares... Plus after I talked to my tutor about some issues the university thinks I'm cracking up and keep asking if I feel I can complete my junior honours years right now. As if trying to get through seminars without looking like a crazy person wasn't hard enough! Essays all due in at once, everything's just hitting me really hard right now and I don't want to be the crazy girl anymore!

... did i write that? >.<
literally could of writed it.

*hugs heather* sorry you're also have a bad day sweetie. hope it gets better xx

*sits in thread, checks in and sits on chair in corner with teddy* head hurts so much and so much work to do that i am findinng so difficult >.<
legislation ='s boring to write about

*curls up nexta*
Blah.
B sleepi- n apparenly make owches.
:/ not rememmerin b skarey

Scratched up my neck and chest during a nightmare last night. Oops. Missed at least half my seminar dissociating today - spoke to my tutor after. Flashbacks in the rain. Feel like I'm losing it. Gonna have a rest now, see if I can ground myself.

<crashes into the thread with a duvet and pillow>

Hi.

*hugs Katie* I hope you feel better hun

Hi Celtic *hugs if okay*

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nM-xBn4-R2A"]Steve Kaetzel feat. Brianna Holan - So Alone (Nightcore Mix) - YouTube[/ame]

soothinglycalming :D still feels like a headcrab sits on my head. ô.ô video is calming.

*hugs m0nk* hope that's okies :)

*leavs some goodies on the table - brownies, choc chip cookies, chip and drinks*

I feel trapped with the end of the road coming up quickly :(

*hugs Matt*

Apparently I dissociated and actually cut myself in the middle of a club. F*ck. Then, supposedly, came home and cut some more. I remember going into the club, then I remember looking at my arm in my room and realising I needed stitches. Feel so hopeless right now.

That sounds horrid sapphire hearts :( How are you feeling now? I hope you're okay!

Been having a really sh*t day. Really want to curl up and forget the stupid world. Hate my moods.

thanks celtic *offers safe hugs* wasn't fun.

Sorry your day is **** - hope things improve for you x

*hugs Katie and Celtic* I hope both of your days get better :)

I wish I could have a good day for once without looking over my shoulder and hoping no one is watching me

*hugs Matt* someday you won't have to look over your shoulder, I promise. Hope things get better for you sweetie.

*hugs Katie* I hope that will be true someday. Things fluctuate for me it seems like on an hourly basis... sometimes I am fine and then i end up depressed/angry over something... ugh. Wish it would all go away... wish I could just go away for a while

Cut the deepest I ever have last night. Can now barely walk. All stitched up and nowhere to go... Except my eight and a half hour bar shift tonight. Not sure how I'm going to deal with that, frankly. I'm so screwed up right now.

I cant stop crying... I am so tired and so stressed... my head hurts so bad and I just wish I could self destruct... blah... fun times

*hugs Katie* hope the bar shift went okies. How are you feeling today?

*hugs raining_inmy head if okay* what's making you so stressed?

*hugs raining* what's up sweetie?

*hugs Matt* A&E two nights in a row :( not good. Stressed out because my partner for tomorrow's presentation dropped out at the last minute without doing any work, so have to try and do it myself.

How are you doing sweetheart? xx

Hugs all,

Hope everyone is safe...

Fun times, realising you are completely alone... No one to talk to at all...
I need to learn to deal with me myself... Hmm...

Checks in for a few days... And puts the kettle on...

It's very quiet in here.

Sorry i've been awol, was in hospital for 12 weeks.

Back in again.

Had a bit of a relapse last week- nothing too serious, but I'm still upset it happened.

I also have a friend calling me selfish and a terrible person because I won't go drinking with her, even though I'm barely managing to make it to lectures right now let alone socialise.

/crashes in the corner

i always let myself be forgotten on the back burner.
maybe i just need the time... here... to pull myself back together. remind myself that i'm important enough for the front lines.

I think I better check in for a while. I have been lurking but need some kindness.

*Brings in fuzzy warm blanket, peppermint tea, and fluffy pillow*

*offers tea to everyone*

it's a rough time. i'm so stressed. *hides under blanket*

checking in

* curls up *
Don't feel safe hurt myself things too bad :(

*sneaks in and curls up in the corner* I am so tempted to go get a tool out tonight ...........

*leaves a box of hugs on the table*

(So unhappy and alone tonight, I need to stay here a while)

Checking in. Possibly permanently. Everything is so f*cked up right now.

*snugs katie*

Thank heather *snuggles back*

<3 checkin in ><

*joins heather* will live here now. Too much.

"If you could argue with religious people there would be no religious people" - Greg House

i wanted to cut during christmas but didnt. idk. cristmas spirit saved med. ho ho ho

I am a secret dream
All the things inside myself never to be revealed.
Secrets that will stay forever hidden by my shield.
All the words that I could say never could explain
The reasons why I do these things seeming so insane
All the desperation that motivates my mind
The loneliness, depression, for things now left behind
I wander through this darkness to never be unveiled
For if I would let down the mask it would be as I had failed
Did I ever exist as the person I thought myself to be?
Or was it just an image I portrayed for all to see?
I will never find those answers so I continue on in vain
In an endless search for memory and that which will remain
Laughing voices call my name looking frantically for a face
But these are just the ghosts of past now gone without a trace
This is how I bide the time until my days have past
No one to remember me, but as shimmer at the last
Search nevermore for my face, for it never did appear
All was just a nightmare, an illusion born of fear
I am a secret dream