Well... Hasn't this evening been quiet , I hope you guys are doing okay:S
Has anyone heard from Taz lately? It's been quite a while since she's been around I think :S

*Night Night Hugs Wardies*

*Spots and hugs Kitty :)*

Does anyone know what happened to RYUU? I was looking yesterday and the profile is gone :(

Night Mark *cuddles* xx

^ She's posting under a different name now I believe, I could be wrong though..

Ah okay. Panic over.

How are you feeling today?

*hugs mark back* ya...time differences do suck. Half the time when I'm on here, nobody else is. Makes it really hard.

Anyway, went to the doc today. I hate him so much he is a dumbass and a bastard. I had a panic attack while waiting thats how much I hate him. Plus he was behind and I didn't get in until like 20 minutes after my scheduled appointment time. Blah. He's the doc that told me, and I quote word for word, "From what you say about your mother, you seem to be more mature than her. But, you need to be more mature about cutting." WTF...who says that!? Especially what doctor says that?!? I have hated him ever since. But I got him to prescribe me sleeping pills. The ****ed up part is, I've made plans with them...

*sighs* I feel like a zombie. I didn't want to sleep last night because of the nightmares. But I couldn't stay awake. I had nightmares again and it doesn't feel like I have slept, but I still had nightmares. I just want it to end...

On one hand I have the plans laid out and the tools I need to set myself free, and I keep thinking it would be the best idea. People tell me suicide is selfish, but I don't agree. I'm only still alive because I don't want to hurt anyone - but deep down I know that me dying would be the best for everyone in the long run. On the other hand, I have done some thinking, and some research, and have decided I want to move. I wouldn't be able to until summer being that our lease doesn't end until then and I am registered for classes for next semester already, though. But if I do stay in school I could transfer because where I want to move to has a branch of the school there and they offer the degree I am considering going after...that is, if I can. And it shouldn't be hard to transfer, being that I'm already a student of the school so to speak. And I have relatives there - might not be the best, because they aren't the closest of relatives, but I think it's better than nothing. Here, I have nobody. I have mentioned wanting to move to my husband...told him why. He shot it down. :( He says that it wouldn't be worth moving - I know it's because he hates moving. I don't know though. Summer is a long ways away. I don't even know if I will be alive tomorrow, let alone then. But, if I am, I'm going. I don't care. If he doesn't want to come, he can stay. But I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle being so isolated, and having nobody around.. *sighs*

Oh poor Kitty :( *hugs* Don't go through with the bad plans, I need you, I wouldn't be better off without you :( I hate doctors like that. Mine is the same. I can't talk to mine about it anymore, he's just a dick and tells me to move out. I can't do that :(

Just please be safe my lovely *cuddles tightly*

Sarah, I'm happy, low, tired, ill, worried, itchy & sore lol. How are you today?

*hugs sarah back* I'm trying to not follow through with the plans, but I don't trust myself. Hell I didn't even consciously make the plans to begin with. I just kinda looked at the bottle and the thought came to my mind, and I smiled.

I'm just sure everyone's life would be better if I were not here. I wasn't supposed to be born...I was an accident. I was a soul waiting for a body and well my biological mom accidentally got pregnant and I accidentally got that body, and ****ed up life. I honestly don't know if I will be able to continue school or get a job. My anxiety has been so bad that I just don't know I don't think I can handle it. I just haven't quit school yet because my counselor hasn't said so yet...but I don't know. If I quit school I won't be able to see her anymore. I don't want to apply for disability my mom would disown me. She told me to "never rely on the state". And she is in total denial and doesn't understand what I am going through - she thinks I should just be able to push right on through it and be perfectly fine. And I don't want people having to pay for me to be alive...that's what disability is. It comes out of other peoples pay checks to pay for me to live. I don't want people to have to pay for me. If I died, they wouldn't have to. If I died, nobody would have to spend any more money on me at all. And everyone would be better off in the long run.

I really don't trust myself right now. The thoughts. My mind just keeps telling me to do it - it'll all be over soon, and everyone will benefit.

I just don't know what to do *sits in the corner feeling like shes gunna cry, but cant* I feel so...torn...

*hugs Kitty*

*hugs helen back* thanks for the hug.

Sorry for rambling so much...and if I'm triggering anyone...I don't mean to. I just dont know what to do anymore. It feels like I have been chopped in half vertically. :S

I've not been able to read your posts much as nothing's really going in. But whatever's happening won't last forever. Sorry I can't support you.

Also, rambling is good, better than hurting yourself.

Its ok...just bein here and talkin to me helps -hugs you again-

You ok?

*hugs* Don't worry about me. Glad I'm helping a lttle bit.

Hun, its in my nature to worry. I always worry about others more than myself. -shrugs-

Its when I am alone and dont have anyone to talk to when **** really gets ugly.. -shrugs again-

*cuddles Helen* I keep eating and eating even though I know I need to lose some weight

*snuggles Kitty* I hope you're okay, sounds a lot like whats happening with me. My fiance was just telling me that if I can't work I'll have stuff to do at home and I know I can't because some days I'm so useless... *sigh*

I'm sure you don't need to lose weight Sarah. Try eat healthily at least?? *hugs*