updated r/v... it's really long, sorry about that.

still ****ing anxious. took a prn klonopin, hopefully that will help. have too much energy to expend. and my stomach hurts. prayers/good thoughts would really really be appreciated... hasn't been this bad in awhile. :'(

*squishes* <3 sorry i've not got any advice atm

am back in nj... woo =s

sorry your mum's so horrid ImJustMe [i fail at life and forget name sorry] and crying helps and is actually a really healthy way to get emotions out- not weakness at all. know thats hard to believe though sometimes [my rents arent that bad but i always get told off for crying b/c im 'not acting my age']
hope your study leave's over soon :) do you have anyone you can spend time with so not stuck home?

lia, crying doesn't mean weakness. to some people it might, i don't know, but to me it means that you're actually being strong. why? because you're allowing your emotions to show - which is a difficult thing to do at times - and you're also allowing yourself to become vulnerable - which is also difficult. does that make any sense? but if your thoughts on it work for you, then so be it. :) i'm just offering a different viewpoint, hope you don't mind!!

i'm feeling a bit better now but still soo anxious, i hate being this way. :'( i'm sorry.............

i spy laura!! *glomps*

i'm so lonely. and i hate being lonely. i also hate feeling the way that i do. :(

*sigh* had a whole long thing typed out for everyone but my computer froze.. I hate when that happens. Sorry

*hugs everyone and glomps april back*

You don't need to be lonely, we all here are with you. Not in person, I know. Not a lot can be done about that.

I know, I just see myself as being pathetic when I cry because everyone's problems are worse than mine and who cries because thier mum shouts at them? Are they meant to make you feel worthless and pathetic? Are they meant to make you doubt that they actually love you? When their own mother dies, are they meant to tell you they would rather it was you?

x

Sorry
I. am not in a postition to read R/V threads this weekend I .I usually read them honestly. E-mail me if you need me. Things are , with my mothers (who has had her op) injury up in the air right now.

*cuddles laura and mark* how are you doing, mark? and what do you mean, things are up in the air with your mum? did the surgery go okay? (or am i reading it wrong? which is entirely possible...) and laura, i hate it when that happens too!! i hope you're doing okay... *more cuddles for both of you*

*hugs lia* your mum doesn't sound very kind or nice... i wish i could make things better for you, use some magical faerie dust or summat. i don't know. just something... :( but anyway, you have us with which to talk, and don't worry at all about talking about yourself in your posts, it's fine. :) i do it all the time and no one seems to mind... :-S (or do they??..... please let me know...)

i'm doing a bit better now. am listening to delta goodrem "breathe in breathe out" and it's helping calm me some... which is good. i also just took some time to listen to jaci velasquez and update my paper journal... very relaxing. at least, it was this time. i also "rediscovered" all of the blank journals i have - and i have a lot!! lol. not good as i keep adding to the collection!! :P heh...

i played wow for a bit but couldn't really focus. there's been some guild drama which i always find perturbing, so i didn't want to stay on too long as the guy who left the guild still wants to be friends with me and the guild is pretty against him... so yeah. :-/ hate it when things get messed up like that. :( i don't know. i'm just really tired overall...

*sets a box of cuddles on the table for whoever wants some* :)

updated r/v again... it's much more peaceful this time!! :)

*huggles everyone who wants them*

*huggles all who want huggles*

Hello all. Sorry I've been a bit absent the last couple of days. The old brain just isn't keeping up. There's been quite a bit going on here (IRL) and at times it's getting overwhelming. Really hoping that it starts to settle soon . . .

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that even though I haven't been replying, I have been reading, and am thinking of you all. xxx

*glomps kahlia*

sorry, it's the day to be glomped by april, i suppose. :)

sorry to hear that there's been a lot going on irl. i agree, hopefully it does calm down soon.

anxious again.......... :crying: so. over. this.

*glomps April back*

Sorry to hear you're anxious hun. Anything we can do to help?

no, i don't think so. it would've been nice had more people been 'round today to chat with but that's how it goes. quiet some days. and that's okay. i'm gonna go take a cool bath now with lavender salts i think... relax some before bed, read maybe, i don't know. it's been a really difficult afternoon/evening and i just want to feel better. :(

and it doesn't help that... oh, i'll talk about it tomorrow. or later tonight if i get back on.

<3

Okay sweetness. I hope you start to relax some - and that anxiety starts leaking away. I'm sorry it's hitting you so badly. :-( xxx

I hope you feel better April. Any particular reason you're feeling anxious? *Leaves jar of hugs in case you want them.*

Well it's past one in the morning, I have to get up in five hours and I can't sleep to save my life. So I thought I would grace you all with a poem I wrote. It's not very good, but in hospitals they have writing therapy sessions, so we can call this one of those.

Mummy, please tell me
What did I do?
Why can I never
Be good enough for you?

Mummy, why is it
That you push me around?
Does it make you feel better
As I fall to the ground?

Mummy do stop saying those things
Why do you spit such harsh words?
Oh how I wish I grew wings
To fly away with the beautiful birds.

Mummy from your hand
I shy away.
It scares me so
When your world turns grey.

Mummy you sent me
To that dark place.
Now I'm alone here
Without a soul, without a face.

Mummy you come close
I wish I was gone.
What is it I've done
That was in your eyes so wrong?

Mummy why was it
That it made you feel so good
To knock me down
From the place I stood?

Mummy, to you
Was I really that bad?
What was it I did
That made you so mad?

Mummy you're gone now
They tell me that's true.
So why is it now
That I'm still haunted by you.

Just thought I would share my joy with you all as you do at 1.16 in the morning.

Hugs for all who want them.
xx

*cuddles april* sorry that you've been so anxious today. Hope that your bath relaxes you some.

*hugs kahlia* its okay that you havent been replying much. Hope that life settles down for you soon.

*hugs lia* sorry that your mom is not being nice at all. I like the poem.. its sad, but good

*hugs mark* Is your mom okay? How r u doing?

*hugs heather and oliver*

Did 5 hours of my online class today.. So boring, but necessary i guess. Nothing to do tonight either.. Probably just going to sit around and watch tv or a movie or something. Jeez.. i really have no life, pathetic.

need hugs

missing boyfriend

sorry


:sad:

:-(

:crying:

soo... i'm not sleepy yet and it's just past 9pm. i should be in bed as church is in 12 hours and i need a lot of sleep to function, especially after such an anxious day. :( i ended up not taking a bath, but a shower instead, and our water was being stupid so it wasn't a cool one either, so now i'm warmer than i was when i went in!! stupid temperatures outside... but it's cooler out now so we're cooling down the apartment (with our one window that will open >_< and the screen door). gahhh. sometimes i hate this place... no a/c. at least we're not further south!! :-/

i did the very first step for applying to mercy. i'm scared. i now have the packet to fill out... damn it, it's complicated. if i'm accepted i have to go to the doctor's and get a full physical and std testing (i don't have any, but still, it's gonna be a pain in the bum since i hate urinanalysis... lol). oh well. if it's gotta be done it's gotta be done. i also have the packet for one other place i'll be applying and i'm going to read about the other place i'm planning on applying to shortly. grrrr. :(

lia, good poem. :) sad though, as laura said... i'm sorry that your mum has caused so many hard feelings. :( i wish i could help you more. and i wish that i could help you sleep. i wish i could help me sleep... but it's later there so more important that you get your sleep. :( *softly hums a peaceful song and hands out magical faerie sleep dust* hehe... sorry, am a little silly at the moment.

*cuddles laura gently* 5 hours of an online class... wow. that's dedication!! i couldn't sit and do that... unless it had had had to be done... lol. i get so impatient and frustrated if i have to sit for one hour and do work... please tell me that you took some break(s)? :P i hope you enjoy your evening - quiet evenings are good evenings sometimes, right guys? just keep yourself distracted... (was/am having the same problem...)

*cuddles kahlia* how's your day going so far? did you get any sleep last night?

*hugs beautiful_mistake* sorry, don't know your name... i'm april. :) i'm sorry that you're missing your boyfriend, i know how hard that can be... :( here... *sets a box of hugs out on the table so you can have one whenever you need one* that should help some anyway... hehe.

*sighs and hides*

*yawn*
*leaves tea and cocoa [cal free obvs] on table*

Hmmmm yum. Cal free cocoa. Thanks Heather. :-) How are you?

Oh, and April, I slept well both of the last two nights, thanks for asking. :-)