*snuggles Helen*
Love you sweetie. Take care.
*retreats to her corner and cries*

SO drunk:pinch: atm I thank God for a handful of things: alcohol, my razor, and my friends and family.
*curls up in her corner and trys to sleep it off*
And water, I am grateful for water...

Only thing I got done today was the shirt. No bagging stuff for the fumigation, no laundry. No clean out. I looked in the cupboard under the bathroom sink, closed my eyes and just closed it. But if I get going it should only take me 15 minutes to look at stuff and decide what to toss and what to keep.

Husband was paying bills and realized the registration on my car is overdue. He paid the bill but it is incomplete because it needs a smog check and we don't have the new sticker. Husband said that he will drive it tomorrow since I have to drive 10-15 miles for my monthly psychaitrist appointment so I'll use "his" SUV.

Emotional thing "dizzy" means still light headed with exaustion. I'm so wound up with the fumigation this week. I'm afraid our little condo (townhome, flat) will be so poisoned that we won't be able to come back. I'm worried like anything about taking care of a 19 year old cat who is a total homebody and is somewhat senile.

Birthday dinner with mom and law has been postponed because two of her grandsons were helping her and moving some stuff for her but they fiddle-farted around and she called to ask if she could put it back an hour but I know those guys and suggested rescheduling. But we will go over next weekend for Mom's day and on the unlikely chance that my dad or sister phone, have a reason not to go up.

Uh oh, just saw time. I'd best get some supper. Picking what to eat by looking at packets and boxes, cans will be okay through fumigation.

I'm so tired dingy that I'm having trouble keeping track of everyone so;
*gives cuddles to everyone*

Susan, thank you for your continuing support. I am so glad you joined RYL *offers hugs*. I promise to reply fully to your posts tomorrow when it is not 4.20am over here.

Thanks for the support everyone :) Katch, I promise I am not always this demanding lol. My PM box is open if you ever need someone to talk to.

*pounces on Ally* seems like ages since you have been here. Glad your weekend was not too bad. Has your therapist said any more recently? *sneaks a swig of alcohol of Ally* How are you doing now hun?

*shouts for Chloe, Callie, Carole, Katey and anyone else may have missed*

*squishes every1*

I'm miss every1 already :( sorry, short post..hope every1 is ok tho

*leaves some cupcakes for ppl to munch on*

Welcome Katch. How are you? And actually emma is always this demanding :p haha.

How are you emma? Have you managed to calm down at all? it totally sucks honey, the crisis team and NHS in general are just all tits :p it's awful the type of reaction you get - and you alexx - but please try not to hurt yourself. do you know why you feel so bad at the mo? how is your wrist?

sup jeremy.

Just missing u guys...that's all

had a typo error b4...my head was braindead so yeah, it didn't make sense till i changed it b4 lol

My Grandad just died. I don't know what to do. I want him to hug me. I need him. He can't die. Please, don't die. It's not fair.

Are you ok?
Big big hugsxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i'd suggest calling crisis but.... they sound pretty crap.

sorry not much use today but i'm here, yell if i can do anything xxx

*hugs everyone*

Really sorry to hear about your granddad Emma :-( Please remember we're here, and please don't think this is your fault or anything. Also, I imagine you might feel guilty at some point for not going this weekend, but you needed that help on Thursday and stuff.

*lots and lots of hugs Em*

How's everyone else doing?

Me....I'm okay, just really tired. Need to do my college work thinking about it :pinch:

Sorry to hear about your Grandad Emma, my Dad just died so I know how you are feeling - it leaves you with so many different feelings and doesn't go away over night - so just hang on in there.
At the funeral everyone was saying such nice things about him - how funny and friendly he was - and I just felt so guilty as I never saw that side of him - I'm struggling with it right now - I just felt as though I was always in the way - he didn't know me and I didn't know him - yet we lived in the same house all those years.

Aww Emma *massive snuggles* I am sorry to hear about your Granddad. It's so hard when people you love and depend on die. :-( Please take care luv, and remember, you can lean on us *snuggles*

*hugs Cloe, Jo, Emma, Jeremy, Susan, Helen, Katch and anyone else she missed in here-sorry about that-, passes around a tea tray full of everything anyone could want, then retreats to her corner, wraps her arms around her knees and stares vacantly into space*

****.

My mum just gave me some photos that belonged to me. I should have known there would be pics of my ex...who raped me. ****. Course me being so stuipd didn't. Now I'm just sat here....and the pain is hurting me....the memories.....I wanna burn the pics of him in them...shredding will do.....but I wish I could burn those memories. Burn him in real life- have him dead. Meh :(

Why do people hurt others?

aaArargghhh, the CT are shiiiiiiiit!
I want to OD so badly, and Beth is ****ing me about. Really scaring me, wanting me to hurt people and they suggest I 'have a bath, have a cup of tea'. Yeah, like that's going to ****ing help when all I want to do is obey her and really injure somebody.
I want to injure myself in fact, but there's no space left anywhere on my body to cut. What the hell is wrong with me??
I have to OD, it's the only way out.

Zowie. Please don't OD, don't let her win, please *hugs*

We care about you so much xxx

Hi Hells, sorry you are hurting right now - just remember how much support you have out here - I've only been on RYL for a short while and you are always sayign good things to other people - they will all be there for you too. I think you should burn or shred the photo's and whilst you do say goodbye and good riddance to him. Know that he can never hurt you again - the memories will be with you but use them to understand the sadness in some people and the goodness in others - you are one of the good ones. I think we would all like to actually hurt the people who have hurt us so badly - but we wouldn't benefit from it - whilst destroying the photo's you should tell him exactly what you think of him - how he has left you feeling - and how you intend to move on from this eventually and will enjoy the day his Karma comes back to haunt him.
Hugging you tight and keeping you safe..

I wish I'd seen that before the photos got ripped by me (heh) but thank you so much. It means a lot hun. ((Katch))

I think I might mention it in counselling yeah =\

sounds like you felt a bit better ripping them up than looking at them - good for you. I suppose you could always draw a picture of him and then rip that up whilst shouting it all out - you never know it may help.

hey guys.
my baby cousin is sick in hospital. he had surgery last night and is in recovery but is struggling a bit and has lots of tubes everywhere. I dont live close so i can't go and see him.

emma, i'm so sorry about your grandad.

helen, i think it's a good idea to talk about the photos to your counsellor. it might help to be able to rant about it.

alexx, i see you there, how are you?

zowie, please dn't OD, it won't help in the long run it will just make you feel worse, and u dont deserve to feel worse.

of course you miss us jeremy :p how are you today?

i hate the world. everything sucks.

Katch, thank you hunnie, I might just do that.

Chloe, I hope your baby cousin gets better soon hunnie :) Could you go see him at the weeekend maybe?

Oh god :blink: *feels like she's spinning*
I MIGHT have got myself in abit of a mess...
but it's all so clear now....why didnt I see BEFORE ><
GOD IM STUPID!
All this time....searching for someone...
and he was right in front of me...
GAWD.
But where do i go now?:blink:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Emma sweety...I'm really sorry :( My PM box is open if you need a chat.....or feel free to text.call me.

Helen-well done for ripping up the pics. The guy was a jerk. He may have hurt you but you came through it. You are better than him.

Zowie-Please stay strong hun :( Dont let Beth win! *huggs*

Katch-How are you today hun?

Ally, Callie, Carole, Jeremy, Chloe, anyone ive missed...how are you all?

Chloe Im sorry about your baby cousin. I have my fingers crossed he recovers soon
xxxxx

Hi there, thanks for asking - I'm the same as everyday - all messed up inside but no idea how to let any of it out - would love to share - hopefully one day - meanwhile I keep popping back in here and listening and wishing I could help.

When I watch the stars tonight I will be sending wishes to Chloe and her baby cousin - really hope he gets well again soon.

Oh God Oh God Oh God >.<
*runs into the wall*
*begins to bleed from a gash on her head*

I want to turn back time.
Just by an hour...or three...
I want to go back..
I want to fill this void again...
because for that split second...I was happy....and Emma probably wont be pleased with me...but...I felt so alive...so...amazing...
He missed me....He made the first move...it was him...all him...

I'm gonna sit here and whack my head on this lovely brick walll...
but at the same time...I can smell him on my skin...and its so comforting....i feel content...

NO ONES EVEN IN!!
*theyve all left you Alexx :/*
Oh well :-(

Sorry - I was coming back - I just didn't know what to say to you - I don't really know whats going on and didn't want to say the wrong thing.
Wish I understood

i'm here, sorry though am not much help tonight. things not going to well am just trying to keep busy for a little while se if it helps at all :crying:
huge hugs though

:O HELLO!!! *pounces on you*
sorry...I'm giddy :/

In a nutshell...I fell for this guy at college about 9 months ago..and we've been on and off....I didnt even know which way was up....I didnt want to like him so much..but didnt want to be without him...
and so I started looking for someone...someone to love me...etc etc...
and I went on a date yesterday...and all I could think about was this guy...and it upset me so much that i went home, cried and hurt myself after a month of being free.
But I went to see him tonight and it started off all friendly...then I moved and he kissed me and I've missed it so much...and he said the same...and now I feel SO incredibly happy that maybe it was him I was looking for all along....but I didnt notice....even though he was stood right in front of me...
Im just worried...about...i dont really know...
My parents ruined it for me last time...but...
I dont understand how I can cry over him and want to move on....but I cant get him out of my head and I cant imagine not being around him...
Its stupid but i still remember pretty much every details about the night of our first kiss and stuff :/
(Im not NORMALLY this pathetic and shallow btw :/)
The only problem is...the guy I went on the date with...keeps saying he really likes me...but he doesnt know the REAL me...and we have nothing in common...
Where as the guy from college...knows EVERYTHING...he's been through alot...and we have lots in common...and my scars dont even bother him or anything...

I can smell him....its on my skin.....and its so comforting....And I can still feel his hands on my waist and back and neck etc.
I wish I could go back....I want...I want him ><

*offers hugs for everyone* Stay strong guys, you are all such amazing people- I hope one day you all realise that. I'm sorry I can't reply to each of you, .....I just ...can't. Take care of your wonderful selves ok?

Susan, especially sorry, I don't normally break promises but I just can't reply now. I promise I will reply when I feel a bit stronger.

Helen, Ally, Alexx and Emma- Take care of yourselves ok? I am still thinking about you. Feel free to PM (or text if you have my number) me and I will reply when I can xxx

Thanks for filling me in - tough place to be for you right now - on the one hand it all feels so good - on the other really scary - I think you are scared of getting hurt and scared of relying on someone else to make you happy. Take it slowly and don't make it the be all and end all of your day to day life. see how things go - and be honest with yourself - we all know that when you first fall for someone you get blinded to anything that's not right - even when it's staring you in the face. Give it a fair chance and good luck - just take care.

My gosh....you're like...a...straight-forward-sense-talking-wonder-woman you know :blink:
You hit it on the head.
The scariest thing is....I'd give him the world....and I'm prepared to wait around for another 9 months or more...just in case...

All though...I'm very worried about him right now...he's stopped replying to my texts....and said he wanted to OD...
[no. be logical Alexx...hes probably gone to sleep. Its late. His mums in. Shes a nurse. She'd know. He'll be fine. You're drunk. You're over reacting. He'll be sat where he always is tomorrow...and you'll walk up...fighting to contain the grin...biding time...resisting temptations]

Don't wait too long, without getting anything back - I've done that - like being on a lead and let out so far until I am ready to run away - then suddenly the leads pulled tight again and back I go - only to go through it all again. And you know what it wasn't worth it in the end - Love and relationships should be a two way thing - supporting each other, being there for each other and feeling loved and needed by each other (sounds like a fairy tale but I'm sure it does exist!)
By the way I am sure he will be sitting in his usual place tomorrow.

Thankyou *hugs you tight*

Hi all. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm back to the circles under my eyes feeling like they go all the way to the corners of my mouth.

I've been doing odds and ends to get ready to get ready for the fumigation. I am truly amazed by how many different soaps and shampoos we have in the shower! I've also tossed more stuff from the bathroom into the trash. Cleaned out the fridge and freezer of bio hazards or even potential bio hazards. Have planned how to get this all bagged tomorrow so it doesn't get poisoned and contaminated. Husband said that tonight he will take houseplants, two cases of bottled water and a partial jug of distilled water to his office. Office is only four miles away. We have a lot of bottled water for earthquake safety supplies. Distilled water is for my iron and my husbands photo stuff.

Helen, feel free to destroy the photos if you want to. One of my friends taught me about an idea called a Karma Grenade. I also think of it as "As you sow, so shall you reap." It may not work immediately but it does work. I've seen it happen in the last couple of years.

The motel where we have reservations says it does have high speed internet, so y'all won't have to miss me.

Sorry I'm so dain bramaged tonight. I still talk a lot.

Hugs and ice cream all around!

Ahhhh.

I should have tried to finish some work yesterday but left it til now, hopefully can get it all done soon? I have to have it done by 12.30 really and I'm leaving in an hour or so as I have a meeting *panics*

Heya everyone, How ya all doing?

I thought i'd pop in before i go out, once again its to hot but if it means getting sun burnt then why not :)

Em i hope your ok hun *huge hugs*

If anyone wants to chat let me know either by on here or you can PM me its up to you :) i'll be around somewhere. * hugs all round* xx

i just wanna dissapear again i cant concentrate on any uni work, i've given up on it 2day its doing my head in. i'ven upset loads of people once again because i didnt wan them interfearing, except theyr not theyr trying to help but i dont want help i wanna b left to do it let me get on with it it will stop people worrying!!!

AAARRRGGHHH just wanna scream i'm ment 2 b going to se my CPN this afternoon followed by my GP. i dont wanna go but if i dont go to my GP then he'll ring my CPN just to see if shes heard from me and then if she says i was ment 2 go o her aswell and didnt show up theyl all panick and that will cause more problems but if i do go, my CPN will kno sumits not right she alwasy does and my GP is ment 2 b putting my Meds up and i dont wanna take them i dont like them. i dont know wot to do can i not just hide for ever

*hugs Katey* Maybe you should go and just say you're stressed about uni work when she asks what is wrong?

Today is going okay really. Had my meeting at 12, so I'm not a Psychology student anymore mwahahahaha! Then when I was signing the form, my left hand was pretty exposed (am wearing very summery clothes) and she said what's happened to your hand? I said...this and that. She then goes I hope it's not what I think it is?? I said depends what you think it is....and of course she knew it was self harm...so I said yeah it is....and then she was saying a lot, kinda nice really isntead of sounding horrible and judgemental...she soudned like she kinda understood :) Sweet hehe.

Then I went to my first lesson of the day, that was alright. Managed to nearly get another piece of work done for my folder, just a few more sentances and I'm done hehe. Tina is putting FAR too much pressure on me and I'm going to speak out tomorrow if I have the guts. Yes, I appericate I have to have pressure put onto me with this work....but I'm still feeliing increadibly fragile. I may be happy again but still have things to deal with and I'd prefer less pressure as I'm still fragile as I've said, things take time to recover from.

Wooooooooooooooo =d

Hyper =d

Blehhhh....Alexx no likes the sun....it makes her poorly :-(

I have to go for a blood test because my mum thinks I might be anemic (sp?)
blahhhh....
I think I'm actually gonna throw up...
*curls up*

*sits in her corner, arms wrapped around her knees, and rocks back and forth ever so slightly*

*cuddles ally*

Thanks Jeremy...

I think I scare myself =\

I've agreed today with my counsellor that sometime soon (might be friday) that I'd finally talk to her about the rape....cus when I told her.....I couldn't bare to open up....and now I feel it's time to get it all out.....I told her about the photos thing aswell lol.

Good for you agreeing to open up hunny! Well done, I hope talking about it helps.

I'm feeling a bit shitty. Nothing too bad, so why do I still want to OD?
Oh yeah, and I just had a major binge so now I can't eat for a few days.
:(

Good for you Hells - we are with you every step of the way, wish I could go in straight after you and speak as well - not sure that day will ever come for me. So bloody good at hiding how I feel even from myself - makes me so angry - the only way I ever feel any better or even just a bit alive is when i hurt myself. Be proud of yourself and say what you can.

Zowie, thank you hunnie. Pleaseeeee don't OD :( I don't want you to come to any harm xxx

Katch *huggles* We're here for you too xxxx