This is endless I self harmed again :/

I went to the beach today and it was kind of terrifying because I felt so negative.

*hugs all in here and places some goodies and juice on the table*

I am tired of all this crap... its so damn unfair... I give up trying to fix myself

i havent self harmed for some months now and i feel like im becoming a ghost chasing a dream of what i was not. my eyes feel like they are not sleeping yet always awake. i have never fealt more that i needed to scream than this. everything i feel and want to think to give me joy or happiness decays and my head grows stronger for imaginating dreams my ghost keeps chasing. i think i finally know what having no friends feel like. its empty i want to fill it with something nice i can view from a distance and realise that its actually empty and smile about it. everybody is trying to brainwash me with simple words just to tilt me in theyr supposedly right direction for my own life choices wich i refuse. and i have had a feeling for so long now that i believe that the meds im takin gives me the illness everyone says i have or had for a long time before they started me on meds wich i didnt. i felt normal before i gathered into psychiatrics care again. i was normal and i want to run away with a scissor and i want to cut off my hand with it behind a tree in the midst of the darkest night with the twisted image of a higher presence trying to talk me out of it using high pitched swooshing sound in the wind. no one hears me no one talks to me. ever since i started medisine everyone's hope of me taking care of myself without anyones help is a shot in the dark. since no one has been there for me talking me out of my mind. where was anyone when i had illusions in my mind, where was help when i scurried as a confused little child onto my room and started tearing up my flesh. they all just laughed and thought i'd had fallen down from a tree. i wasnt accusing myself of falling off a tree and making a 20cm long scratch on my left underarm. they just assumed it was therefor. guess im just lonely. so afk. this side medicine isnt of use to me anymore. since i know the psychosis of the whole treatment it doesnt flinch me for 1 second anymore. it gives me psychoactive trauma and makes me easy influential from other people for brainwashing. thats how exposed i am. and nobody couldnt give a **** about me anyway. its a open door here as im listening to evanescence breathing time as we know it of as air. ;(

long story short. the dude that gave me medicine induced a psychosis on me making me believe i cant die a meaningfull death if that should occur. but here i am smoking the **** out of my lungs making me into a position thinking i need to get cancer to die a meaningfull death if i do someday.

i had no problems after i stopped drugs before i was given medicine. the nerve on some doctors is insane ;( didnt even give me an evaluation.

No matter what happens I always end up back here, things are falling apart all over again and I can't cope

Checks in for another few days its gonna be a long road

Me & my doona will be in the corner if anyone needs me...

Yeah... this is really going to be a problem week... and my journal writing isn't helping at all when I am debating myself... bad bad bad... make it go away, make it all stop

Checking in

switching off the brain full of suicide plans, dates and details would be a lovely idea but at this point there is no such hard reset except the final one

This is not a good week... make the sh*t stop... so many voices in my head. I am trying really hard to be good and not do bad things, but I slipped up last night and now I wonder if that is making it all worse

Feeling a lot better today which is good feel so good still need that big hug

*gives big hug to skinnylove* does that help :) love the sig by the way, one of my fav movies

Thank you

She won't stop screaming. Just constantly screaming in my ears. I want her to stop and she won't. The only way I can see for this to end is for her, or me, to go.... It needs to end now

*hugs Khalia* I am sorry to hear you are having a rough time *hands you some goodies*

Thanks Matt *hugs*

I can't get a break from her. She just won't stop. I don't know how to decide what is her commands and what my head's telling me.... I need her to shut up

COLORS COLORS COLORS [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4zxWGUXi9M"]Headhunterz ft Tatu - Colors (Unextended Mix) - YouTube[/ame]

Checks in here for a long while, anything is better than being outside or at home

"checks self in, snuggles into blanket in the corner and just cries"

I was bad last night and I did bad things *hides in the corner*

i am so tired... :snoozle: [falls asleep behind the drapes]

This is just getting worse all the time now... and it makes me worried. I don't have many to turn to for help or just to listen to me talk... sigh *cries softly in the corner*

I don't want to play any more *hides in a corner and cries*

*hides in the corner*

I am scared

Falls asleep in the virtual ward and decides this is best place for me

*checks in, crying and goes to sob on a bed* I do not wanna go to Psychology tomorrow...

I am nearly completely destroyed. I just discovered there is 5 different personalities in my head. We keep fighting. One time my bad side decided to take control of me. Than my good side just decided to become me. And than she get tired really fast. Now i am really tired with headache. I started to hating myself and i wasnt kill myself bcause of i was believing i am perfect but i am not perfect. I am just guilty. Because of me ladies killing theirselves. I must not be rude and bad like this but i was nearly always like this. I think i am going to break and become an evil if i completely lose hope of love but wasnt i am already hopeless? I am just becoming more rude and bad and evil person with hate. I am no more virgin afterall. But this is even not acceptable for my evil side. Causing people to suicide too much even for a murderer. I am not a murderer or rapist but what if i become? I cant understand myself. Even my personalities are tired.

If anyone asks for us we aren't here. We're trying to outrun the voices and are hiding in a cupboard. We don't want to play any more. If she doesn't stop soon we're going to take action we don't want to take.

*leaves pear vanilla ice cream popsicles on table in the invisible fridge*

*offers safe hugs, stuffed animals and tissues to all who want/need them*

So damn tired. Just want to sleep. It's only early afternoon but I just want to crash out right now and not wake up for a week. Meh...

Thanks to family drama and stuff at home, now I am teetering on being unsafe and doing bad things... I reached out to a friend but no reply yet :(

*sits down and cries*

Every thing keeps getting worse.... J is screaming in my ear, my mood is dropping quickly, I'm becoming more suicidal every minute and I have everything I need to put my suicide plan into action. The only thing holding me here is that I don't want to put my family and friends through the torture I went through when I found Jem after his suicide. My husband says I should go to hospital but he's not doing so crash hot and there wouldn't be anyone left here to care for him. I don't know what to do... I just want it all to stop. I just want for it all to be over. Help. *crawls under a bed in the corner and starts crying*

Why don't you ask someone to care for him like a neighbour and then go to the hospital

*hides here* Too triggered...

headaches, downtrodden... ibux wont help. meds makes it worse...

*plops down on the couch*

So overwhelmed...

*hides in the corner*

I need protection from myself right now

Not been here in a while - T cancelled therapy and feeling really overwhelmed right now. *rocks in corner* safe hugs to anyone who wants one

*hugs sapphire hearts*
*hugs tweety pie 84*

That was a terrible night... the nightmares felt so real and scary :(

*crashes* i need somewhere safe :(

*Group Hugs*

Hey big bro. *huggles*

I'm just going to disappear into a corner for a bit. Meh

illuminates the long hallway with blacklight... unless there is a no blacklight sign somewhere. *goes exploring*

I'm all alone and triggered... *cries and hides*

*hugs all in here*

Upset at myself for doing what I did... but its too late to fix that. One of my friends who has known for a while about my "stuff" asked if he could have a phone number he could use in case things got bad and I was stubborn/refused etc. a lil while back. Well pas wto nights have been really really bad and I told him what I did and how I was unsafe and the such... now I am worried he will call and I will get in trouble...

*hides in the corner and puts a blanket over so no one sees me*

Feeling really shitty right now had melt down in front of my parents and I really can't cope with all this bs at the moment x #crying

~grabs blanket and beanbag curls up~ I haven't been here in forever *sad* I know. I stopped going to therapy again

I recently lost my therepist too becca.

is OCD and anxiety the same?