Its really hard to do that... i feel bad when I cant help others with things and i will take it to heart to do better the next time so that i can help him/her instead of myself. I believe that i dont deserve the help and accolades that people tell me or give me.

I blame myself for the silliest things if I can find a way that it was/could have been my fault. I never understood why... i just do. Its painful yes, but i accept full blame even if its not my fault... i try to be good enough for everyone and when that fails, it must be my fault somehow or someway.

I used to see a psych in the past -- over a year ago. I broke it off with him because we began to struggle and fight over how i was doing and the relegation of control. My greatest fear, which i am sure many on here share, is having to be hospitalized. I have narrowly avoided it twice and i doubt luck would be on my side if it came up a 3rd time.

Its like a vicious circle that I can escape for sometime... but right now i can't... it feels like its getting worse everyday and I am losing control.

The last meeting i had with the psych was over this basically when we fought over how much control i had, if i was a SH risk and stuff like that which led to him raising the potential of HP for a few days so i could "relax and regroup" with a better system in place to help me and I refused and shouted at him... which pretty much ended our session lol. I was recommended for day hospitalization a few years back when I was at college, but my parents refused to allow me to do it thinking i would be better off at home and didnt want that following me in life -- plus the psych wanted to add stipulations if i did go (cause he recognized i was a big escape risk lol as well as i could hide stuff pretty well) -- i was pretty bad off for a few days then.... it sucked -- that was the one time i nearly lost it in the office (on campus) cause he said brb and he was gone for 20 mins and he told me i just fell short of being involuntarily HP'd because i was not an imminent risk. Sucks now VA law has changed to "substantial likelihood" so i am kinda screwed now lol...

*hides in the magic fort*

Its getting really bad again :(

*joins Matt in fort and offers safe hugs*
I know the feeling hun. What specifically is getting worse? xx

Too much drama and backstabbing at work... I am trying to remain neutral and not pick sides but its becoming so difficult to do that. I am basically at wits end and struggling mightily to keep my emotional well-being in check. I am already a lil psychotic, but I know where the boundaries lie - as in when I need to take a walk or leave work for a lil while aka lunch. Put family stuff and friend stuf on top and its a volatile mixture that I am desperately trying to keep control of. I haven't SH'd at all yet, thanks to some remarkable patience I have and Halo 4 lol... but I can't hold on much longer like this without something going wrong or bad happening

hugs everyone

anyone about

*hugs Julie* hope that's okay

What's up?

*hides*

What's wrong risen? *hugs*

Did I check out of here? No? Good. I need to stay..

*sits down in aluminum chair and stares out the window*

*checks in forever* think I'm cracking up guys

I know this site caters to under 16s as well, but I wish the mood list had a option for '****ed'

*hugs Katie and concrete*

What's wrong Katie?

Would you like a nice warm brownie concrete?

Very dissociative, can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes before I start to fade. Keep losing time, between a couple of minutes and an entire evening. Flashbacks, body memories, nightmares... Plus after I talked to my tutor about some issues the university thinks I'm cracking up and keep asking if I feel I can complete my junior honours years right now. As if trying to get through seminars without looking like a crazy person wasn't hard enough! Essays all due in at once, everything's just hitting me really hard right now and I don't want to be the crazy girl anymore!

... did i write that? >.<
literally could of writed it.

*hugs heather* sorry you're also have a bad day sweetie. hope it gets better xx

*sits in thread, checks in and sits on chair in corner with teddy* head hurts so much and so much work to do that i am findinng so difficult >.<
legislation ='s boring to write about

*curls up nexta*
Blah.
B sleepi- n apparenly make owches.
:/ not rememmerin b skarey

Scratched up my neck and chest during a nightmare last night. Oops. Missed at least half my seminar dissociating today - spoke to my tutor after. Flashbacks in the rain. Feel like I'm losing it. Gonna have a rest now, see if I can ground myself.

<crashes into the thread with a duvet and pillow>

Hi.