| one_step_closer |
03-07-2011 12:01 AM |
*hugs Oliver*
I overdosed on Friday. I went to hospital and was kept in overnight and put on various drips. There was a patient in the bed next to me who went over to the patient in the bed oposite me and whispered "I think she self harms herself." Then she went on to tell her visitor and also told him about a 'boat trip' that I had taken during the night. I was hallucinating and thought the beds were boats and the nurses were walking about in the sea so were going to drown. So I pressed my buzzer for a nurse to come and I told her that everyone needed to get in the boats or they would drown. She simply told me that I wasn't on a boat but was in hospital and I think I then realised that was the truth and said "oh, ok."
The doctor I saw on the ward insisted that I speak to a psychiatrist to make sure that this wasn't a suicide attempt and that it wouldn't happen again. The psychiatrist was nice but he worked on the basis of my old psychiatrist's management plan so didn't consider hospital even when I told him that I have now met the three men in my head and i'm worried that they may be planning on killing my brother. He said that he'll get in touch with my psychiatrist and suggest that I see a CPN.
So, the three men. They are younger than I thought they were. They seem to be in their late twenties. I only saw the first one out of the corner of my eye, he was sitting on a chair at the end of the ward. The next one showed himself to me on a wall and the next one on a blanket. They haven't spoken to me yet, just sent me the feeling that they are going to kill my brother. The psychiatrist and a nurse told me that they won't kill my brother because they are in my head. They don't get it. The men came close to killing me but I suppose that it is my body and I can hopefully have some control over it. If they try to kill my brother maybe my love for him will be able to stop them. This all sounds like a sick fairytale.
Well, here I am back to normality. I'll start gradually saving up my medication again though but I might not go to hospital the next time seen as I don't seem to require any proper treatment. I don't think I can move forward away from overdosing. I'm too obsessed with hospitals and the emergency services. I'm reading The Blood of Strangers and I watch so many TV programmes about paramedics and people who practice medicine; 24 Hours in A&E, the Real A&E, Real Rescues, London Ambulance, Medical Emergency, Casualty, Holby City, Emergency Bikers...I also crave attention and care. I like that in hospital all you have to do is press a button and someone will come and help you with whatever you need help with.
Sorry this was so long.
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