*runs in* i gave in again i am such a screw up i really am *sits in corner trying to play music on guitar* can i talk to some one

Damn...can't sleep

Had too much caffeine...doh, stupid me...grrrr

****ed up yesterday and had an interesting experience because of it

*hands around coffee, tea, and cocoa*

I cut myself deeply before I went to work and while I was at work I called the health center to see if they had an appointment so I could get it stitched (I'd had several before that were at least this deep but I just butterflied them... decided to get this one stitched because of the way the others scared). They didn't but told me to come in after work to have it looked at. So I did. FIRST one of the nurses called me back to look at it and see if it really did need stitched... it did (duh) so she sent me back out to wait... Then she called me back and brought in a Dr I had seen before for another cut (that one didn't need stitched)... he looked at it and decided it needed stitched and then he left... Long story short I wound up with a different nurse and a different Dr than I started with... the nurse was the only one who was friendly (though to give them a bit of a break they were busy and I didn't have an appointment). The Dr was the guy I saw for a cut I was worried about last spring... the one who started me along on my journey of counseling and medication... He informed me it needed stitched (once again, duh)... he also asked me if I was seeing one of the counselors at the health center. I said yes. He asked me who. I asked him why. He told me that because I cut I needed to be seen. I told him I was seeing my counselor on Friday. His response 'This happened todady..?' My response 'Yes, I did this today' 'Then you need to be seen today'... OK fine, so I told him who. He stitched me up and then left me to wait to be cleaned up and then fetched by someone from the counseling center. My counselor didn't keep me more than 10-15 min.. He asked me (at one point) if this had been a ssuicide attempt... I laughed and told him that if it had been then I was the stupidest person in the world and shouldn't even be attempting suicide as I obviously don't know how do to it correctly (I had cut on my fore arm, not my wrist). The most distressing part of talking with him (it really wasn't that bad otherwise) was that at one point he said something about my not needing to go to a psychiatric unit... which means that it was a possibility!!! Good lord, give me a break :pinch:

Phew, long story, sorry.

*heads back to her corner and cries hoping it will help*

Much love to you all

massive hugs huunie.

I'm so good ahah I love it :)

So so over everything. Over work, over uni, over life. Friend from when I was little died on Sunday and am just kinda not coping with it. Head all mucked up and just wanting to play Strawberry Gashes all over again.

*grabs coffee and goes looking for a nice quiet spot to sit and rock in. Finds one and sits down then stands up and removes fluffy stuffed animal and sits down again*

Y'all would not believe the conversation I am having with someone via youtube comments... it's on the video 'The Way She Feels' (great video by Between the Trees)

Heres some of it:

The Other Guy:

people who cut are retarded, they need to grow a pair and comit suicide so they stop making the world worse with their whinning

Me:

What in Gods name is wrong with you?!?!? Good lord talk about ignorant? I'm so glad your life is so easy and you are perfect... you do realize that folks who cut are usually also the last people to 'whine' about any of it..? And that's from studies... folks who cut are often some of the most caring people you'll meet. Good god, really...

The Other Guy:

from studies? OOO WATCH OUT SHES GOT STUDIES ON HER SIDE caring people? they dont even care about themselves, people who cut are human trash and should not be helped

Me:

Hmmm, sorry to hear you are so uncaring yourslef... at least that's how it appears... ah, well, there will always be people like you in the world, I suppose we'll just have to live with it... of course, I could just take my knife to my wrist so y'all wouldn't have to listen to my 'whining'... *shrug*

The Other Guy:

now youre getting it

Me:

Oh… wow… you certainly are a ‘unique’ human being aren’t you..?

The Other Guy

you certainly are a slave to fads and miss guided sympathy arent you?

Me:

I'm sorry..? A fad? LOL if that's all you think there is to cutting you are more ignorant than I thought... misguided sympathy? Thanks I try and keep my cutting as secreat as possible...


The Other Guy:

lol cry MOAR

Me:

I'm sorry what? Don't know if you've heard of the English language but I prefer it when I correspond with others, even those as uneducated as yourself...

The Other Guy:

thats mean i just might cut myself because of you

Me:

Ah, I see...

Well, apply pressure and bandage it...

The Other Guy:

kk wheres the best spot to cut?

Me:

Yeah, that’s not something I’ll tell you… no tip sharing, wouldn’t want you to cut because of me…


Thus endeth...

:crying: suppose I'm asking for as good as I give but seriously!!!

*retreats back to corner with stuffed lamb, and blanket*

Alright, seems I'm the only one here... more privacy to cry then

Feel like absolute **** :crying: and don't know what to do about it... wish I could just go home and do nothing but I've go work, a meeting for a group project for one of my psych classes, a paper to write, a take-home test to finish and another test to study for... *phew* makes me tired just thinking about it...

*sits in her corner clutching her pillow and stuffed lamb and crys*

God I wish I could do that in real life...

*hugs you Ally whilst you cry* I am sorry things are hard, and I am sorry that I am not in a state to help but I will be thinking of you x

*cuddles everybody lots*

I feel ****.
Thanks for ruining my day.
Now I shouldn't let it.
=[

*lays in a bed sobbing* I am soooo sick and so fat I hate myself

*hugs everybody in the psych ward*

Look after urself ppl xxx

Feeling a bit better I think... not holding out hope that it will last though... I think it is due mostly to the cutting I did last night... that and I'm feeling a little disconnected today :pinch: like... not exactly num... but just... existing... just... here..? I don't know...

Hugs everyone.

So dissociated/depersonalised. Want to cut or scream or bash head against wall. Let me out....

*sits listening to iPod while cuddling teddy bear*

I feel werid.

*hugs everyone* xx

*sits in a corner and listens to his music with a penquin and teddy bear*

I ****ed up again...

*sits and rocks in a corner* xx

*hugs carole*

hang in there...i'm sure u weren't a **** g/f, i bet he loved u lots and i'm sorry to the sad news...plz look after urself there and u know where to find me if u need to chat xxx

want to scream out .... want to cry ... but that's too weak

guess i'll just sit and rock