I... I'm literally panicking without my mobile. Boyfriend's offered to pay to get it repaired, but... I feel so guilty taking his money.
I know what I need to do, I need to tell someone I'm in major crisis, but... I can't. I don't have a mobile to text her from, I would normally, but... urgh, smashing my phone's just made everything ten times worse, because.... my phone is my link to normality when I'm like this.

I need Ruth, but I can't get to Ruth... I see her tomorrow night anyway, but... I don't know if I can survive that long....

Nice to meet you Hana. I'm Laura. Have we met before? Damn my mushy brain and memory.
If not *shakes hand* Hi! :)

You can survive that long Hana..you just need faith. Have you an old mobile you can put your sim card in? Or do you know anyone with an old mobile you can put the sim card in? Just until your one is fixed. *Massive cuddles* Hang in there sweetie.

*Cuddles anyone who needs it*

I feel like ****. Pure ****.
I don't want BPD.
I know i have it. I know it's now been confirmed and i have that diagnosis.
But now i have it..i don't want it.

I just want to curl into a ball and become invisable.
I thought maybe a diagnosis would make me feel more positive, give me some direction on what to do to "get better".
But now i feel like even more of a waste of space.
And my mother told me how much of a waste of space i was this morning. Made digs to me about how i should be out working.

I wish i ****ing was. Don't you see? Doesn't anyone see how i hate laying here slicing my arms up and ending up in hospital from near fatal overdoses?! I wouldn't call that ****ing fun. I would do anything to be "normal", to lead a "normal" life, to earn money and socialise.
But i can barely set foot over the ****ing frontdoor let alone get a job. I don't even want to be here the majority of the time.

I HATE those "You should get a job" comments when she's in a pissy mood, she knows it touches a nerve, she know it upsets me.

****it.
Atleast my plans are still in place.

*Hugs Laura* Dont let it get to you babe your better than that

Mer.
I know.
It's just easier said than done.

Since i told her yesterday about my BPD diagnosis, she's just shown no interest at all, infact, she couldn't care less. Isn't that lovely?
She just got told her daughter's been diagnosed with a mental disorder and she doesn't particularly give a ****.

Merk. ****it.

Don't think we have, Laura, nice to meet you. Feeling marginally better now than last night, but... still feeling rather bad. Somehow, I survived the night without cutting, still not quite sure how. Still very triggered, but I've got an old phone I put my sim card in, so feeling slightly better about that.
Gonna talk to Ruth tonight, and see how that goes...

*leaves hugs for everyone*

Got through the day and I get to see my cousins tomorrow.
Luckily my sister isn't coming so I don't need to be near her for any reason. My CPN said she was proud of me for keeping control.
Only problem is - I've kept control and kept myself together so I can see my cousins. But after I've seen my cousins and I have no reason to control myself I don't think I'm going to be able to manage. x

*cuddles everyone*

I've made some personal progress this week :) So happy about it!!

Well done Hells and Zowie! You've both done really well today/this week *squishes*

Keep fighting it Zowie and remember A&E is always an option if you really don't feel safe and there is no shame in admitting you need help.

*hugs Laura and Hana*
-------------

I don't want help. Why? Because lets face it, things will never be ok. I will never feel 'ok'. People may lie and say I will, but it's not true. I had been doing better and was I pleased? Not really. Instead I felt guilty for not harming properly. Even when things were better I wasn't ok. My mood has been getting worse the last few days and now I have planned a traditional 'Emma destruction' night. Not to kill myself, but the image came into my head and now it must be done. I have to do it because I can't deal with the emotional consequences of not doing it. I'm not ill so it's not that.

Thanks Emma :D

One of my friends has made progress this week aswell- well I helped in doing some of that which made me feel good too. She's been amazing support this week and said some stuff I needed reminding of and so I think it's going to stay good :D

*hugs all*

*hugs Emma lots* Please try not do it? I know it's hard not to though :( Love ya xx

*cuddles everyone*

I don't want to fight the urges anymore, I can't much longer. I spoke to Ruth, didn't tell her about last night though, because while I was there I ended up having a major panic attack about other stuff, and we had to talk about that instead. She knows now, what my parents have done to me, and she knows about my brother being violent. Debbie knows too, but, thing is, now they want me to report everything, and I just can't do that. I'm scared though, because, well, what if they report him for me? I just want to forget all about it...

I... just can't get rid of these urges, and I can't sleep really because they're there, every time I close my eyes, I can see the images of what I need to do, and... we had a dream interpreter there tonight, and I wanted to ask him how to stop dreaming about it, but... that'd mean admitting stuff to him, so I didn't...

urgh... I just wanna cut... :(

*cuddles everyone*

No words really...just stay safe there guys xxx

*hugs Jem*

How you doing? You know where I am if you want to talk about anything.

yep....i know hana

but i'm doing well atm..just got stressful exams on mon, wed and friday ekkk :S but i should be okies for them fingers crossed :-)

*shuffles about nervously*
*tries to find a comfy seat*
*fidgets too much, thinks of something else and runs out*

DAMN BRAIN!

Have you got worms Ninja?
hehe.
Don't be nervous, we don't bite (unless asked) =]
Everything OK sweetie?
There's a super comfy seat next to me if you wish to park your bum and have a chat.
*hug*

And massive hugs to everyone.
xx

*leaves hugs for everyone*

I'm scaring myself somewhat now... We drove past a viaduct earlier and.... well, lets just say.... the temptations were there... *sigh* I'm not quite sure what's happening with me at the moment....

Saw my cousins today and I love them.

I try thinking of them, my dad, my sisters, my friends, my boyfriend. But the more I think about them, the more I realise how I've completely ruined every relationship I have and how I'm nothing but a burden.

There's absolutely nothing I want more than to get 'better', whatever that is, and feel like the girl I used to be. But that will never happen. I've lost all hope.

I've never felt so alone and hopeless. Before when I've felt like this, I've done really stupid things and this time it's the strongest it's ever been.

Sorry. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Ignore this.

*hugs everyone*

*walks in, screams and bangs head on wall* Hopefully I will either knock some sense (read normality) into myself or at least knock myself unconcious. I need a break from all this ****. I just want to be ok and to feel hopeful :(

I hate this. I've just met one of the most awesome guys ever, he's been through some stuff, and... well... the things he's been talking about... I'm so, so triggered to do so much more than just cut right now... and... well, I can't and each minute I spend not doing it... just.... I feel worse and worse, and I'm actually considering getting the boything to take me down to A and E so I'm safe from myself.