*sits with april*<3

*curls up in corner*

Wow, can't believe the lack of activity. I've been awake since 5am herding sheep through the high street. Don't ask. I volunteered before I knew what I was agreeing to.

How's everyone today?

*Hugs April , Jill and Heather* I hope the three of you are feeling better this morning.

*Hugs Felicia* How are you?

And everyone else?

Hey Julie. You alright?

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Lia*Sheep eh ?

*Hugs Heather*

*Waves to Owen*

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Felicia*

Hello everyone.

Yay! People.

*Hugs Lindsey and Mark* How are you both?

I'm a bit low, but i'm meeting with my brother later so hopefully that will keep me distracted.

How are you, Lia?

Hopefully that will be fun Lindsey, try and stay distracted between those times, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself. Better simply since you asked that. I was fading into the background being so invisible.

Just randomly had a thought. There must be something wrong with me. I know people grieve in different ways, but my nan died over a year ago, and I obviously cried a few times, but I never really felt the emotions and didn't go through any of the stages. It makes me wonder if I'm just as heartless as everyone else thinks me to be.

*Hugs Lia* I'm okay , totally motivationless , I just lay in bed listening to the rain until gone 11am , I NEED to pay my water bill at the co-op today. Then I NEED to bath , and I have the Housing benefits assesment person comeing between 9.30am and 1pm tomorrow so I'm anxious about that and I want to sleep okay tonight and be Awake when they come , I wish they gave a more specific time :S.

Lia , I really don't beleive that you are heartless , Like you said everyone greives differently , chances are you are still greiveing and will go through it all in your own time .

*Hugs Lindsay* Enjoy your time with your Brother :)

Everyone grieves differently and I don't really believe in stages because of that. Something so personal can't be put into stages. You're probably still grieving now, in your own way.

*Hugs Mark* Hope you manage to get a few things done today.

What time are you meeting your brother Lindsey?

I guess so, it just feels as if I never did grieve for her, or anyone else. I don't understand it, I should have felt something more than that, everyone else did. People wondered why I didn't talk about it, they called me an Ice Queen, but the truth was there was nothing to tell. It's always like this, I am disconnected from my emotions, I feel things, but not as strongly as I should given the circumstance, but it still effects me as if I were feeling everything if that makes sense?

That makes sense Lia yes, I don't beleive you should feel bad about it though , you have proven time and again that you care about people in this ward .

Lia, honey, I totally hear you on the grieving thing. :( All of my grandparents have died, one way or another, since 2001 (my grammy's suicide started the "trend"...). Sorry, I think that if you are disconnected from emotions (those ones [grief] at least), I must be moreso... and I do feel like a freak for it. But I can't really talk about it to anyone except Jarrod because if I mention it to my mum she gets that pinched up face that means "I don't want to talk about this, really really don't!!" ... but anyway, I think I talk about it way too lightly, maybe to protect myself from feeling anything about it? I don't know. I mean, look at what "came out of my fingers" just up there ^^ "my grammy's suicide started the 'trend'" ... yeah... that really sounds like I'm grieving, eh? Maybe we're Ice Queens together. :-X *cuddles*

Mark, sounds like a busy next few days for you. *hugs* Thanks for commenting on my LJ. :) How are you feeling? just "okay"? (that's a synonym for "fine," as Heather pointed out to me :P)

Lindsay, I agree with you, there "shouldn't" really be stages to grieving... I mean, I guess there could be, in a VERY generalized way, but everyone does go about it differently. *hugs*

Just got up, and I'm not talking to Jarrod. :P He tried to get me to at least vocalize - and then he'd "win" :P - by tickling me and stuff... haha... but I stayed quiet!!! Woohoo. ;) It's kind of a joking bet on his part and it's me being stubborn... but oh well. Hee.

Found out that my bestie probably won't be able to come over because she's "going on a hike." WTH?? I really, really wanted to see her. :'( And this is the only time she'll be here in the next 2 weeks... so... yeah. Really wanted to spend some time with her and now she's saying that that probably won't happen. If she's going on a hike with her fiancé I am going to be PISSED because while yes, she does have the right/needs to spend time with him... she talks with him every night... and the only time we've been in touch in TWO WEEKS was last night, 3 texts. :'(

Sorry, just really feeling left out & lonely. :'( I need my girl-time, and I don't really get it from being online. Sorry for being pathetic...

*hides in a hole where no one can find her and cries some more*

*Hugs April* I do that. I joke about things and talk about them so casually, even if they are tearing me apart inside. I'm sorry about your bestie, can't she go on the hike some other time? I know how that feels to be let down, my friends are always doing it to me and I wouldn't mind, if only they said they were sorry. I'm glad I'm not the only one like I am on the ward, but I don't think either of us are Ice Queens really, I just can't show my feelings, but I do have them. More than anyone will ever know. You clearly do too and you're always so kind to people here. *Hugs*

Why can't you sleep Owen ?

What's the matter Owen?

*Flings box across ward with a scream*

Lia what's up cuddles. Curls up, I'm feeling utter crap again. Very triggered and pissed off

Nothing...it's fine.

*Hugs Jill* Do you know what it is that triggered you? Please try and stay safe honey.

*Hugs Lia* are you okay?

*Hugs Jill* Whats pissed you off? , like Lia said , try and stay safe.

Yeah, like I said, I'm fine.

*Hugs Mark*
*Hugs Lia*

Everyone is abadoning me. Everyone.

I'm not abandoning you Felicia. What's happened? *Hugs*

*Hugs Felicia* Whats going on Felicia?

My grandparents that I live with are saying they want to move. It's financially impossible for me to move out of the state and go to uni. They know that. I should add that they're looking to move to Arizona. Across the country. I can do this. More people can't just walk out of my life.
My own mother did that. I came back from uni and she goes "Oh, by the way, I'm moving on Saturday. You'll need to have somewhere to go." She took my brother, my sorority abandoned me, my friends have been slowly dropping. I understand, I am a horrible person to have as a friend. I'm manipulative, attention seeking, manic depressive, and unpredictable. I get it. It's hard to be friends with that. But. I. Need. Someone.
And EVERYONE wants to leave me. I can't do this.

*Hugs Felicia Tons* You are NOT a horrible person to have as a friend , I consider you my friend and I don't find you manipulative or attention seeking , I know we don't really KNOW each other but I like you. Lots. Sorry about the lack of actual advice but *extra Hugs*

*Hugs Felicia* Your grandparents aren't necessarily abandoning you, they might simply want to move away and not realise how you are feeling about it. They probably think you'll be fine by yourself now. And you do have someone, you'll always have us. You aren't any of those things, you're lovely and caring and not at all attention seeking.

Mark, I like you lots too. *hugs*
Lia, I know they understand that my financial aid situation ties me here until I graduate, but you're right, they may not understand how scared I am of living alone. Thanks for bringing that up. :)
And thanks to both of you for thinking that I'm not attention seeking.
I kinda am, though, I've been thinking about this a lot.

Hugs everbody. Damn I'm triggered, was doing stuff at work, and it brought back what I had planed a few days back. Now I can't get that thought out of my head. Curls up.

I really NEED to stop crying. ARGH

*hugs everyone and then gets on with packing*

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Helen* How did your eye appointment go?

*peeks in* Can i creep in and hide from life please?

*hides in corner* I just want to hide away from life right now, reality is all too much for me :(

Hi Jocelyn :) Welcome to the ward .

*Hugs Sarah*

thank you *curls up in the corner* I used to be a patient here but now i just pop in every now and then.

I'm just gonna sit quietly and hide from life for a little while

*hugs everyone*

Glad to help Felicia :)

What's the matter Helen? *Hugs*

*Hugs Sarah, Jill and Jocelyn*

*hugs Joceyln* Welcome :)

*cuddles Mark* I feel so overwhelmed :(

*cuddles Lia* Thanks

Not the best. Made me cry LOL. But I'm getting new PURPLE glasses. :D

Course you can sweetie *cuddles*

*cuddles tight* Life's getting that way for me too...

*hugs* Not been the best of days. Supossed to be more excited than this. But catching my 'bestie' out to be a liar (not the one I'm visitng as of tomorrow thankfully) is causing me a lot of tears, stress, anger & upset =[

*cuddles Helen* I'm sure you'll look beautiful in your glasses :)

My best friend has been talking to my Fiance more than me recently, I mean she's supporting me a lot, I just wish she'd be as open with me as she is with him. All my old friends are slowly cutting me off more and more, my family and money problems are getting worse and I don't know what to do. Uni is a huge pressure too, I just can't focus. >:(

WOW! Purple glasses! they sound cool Helen :)*Hugs*

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Lia*

They are cool. *hugs*

*cuddles helen* i'm sorry that your friend was lying to you. That really sucks. I hate it when people lie more than anything and have lost several friends b/c of lying situations... so i can understand why are are upset. Also sorry that the eye doctor upset you, but i'm glad that you got some nice sounding new glasses.

*hugs sarah* it sounds like you have a lot going on right now. Do you think your best friend is more open with your fiance because she is really worried about you and doesnt want to make you more upset? I understand you wanting her to be open with you, just offering a possible explanation as to why.

*hugs lia* Hope you are really okay. If not, you know its okay to talk in here

*hugs felicia* i second what lia said about them maybe not understanding you are afraid. I'm sorry that it feels like everyone is leaving you. I know its not the same, but we in the ward won't leave.. I don't know if that helps at all.

*hugs jill* im sorry that you are feeling so upset. anything we can do?

*hugs jocelyn* Hey! I'm sorry you arent feeling well, but I'm happy to see you around. Here if you want/need to talk hun.

*hugs mark* how r u? You've been posting but not much about yourself so I thought Id ask, :-)

*waves to owen* whats wrong? you alright?

*hugs april* you are not pathetic in the least! I'm sorry that your bestie isnt hanging out with you. I know how bad that can feel. However, sometimes its hard b/c you cant really say anything.. like I never feel like i can be "well you said we would hang out before you agreed to do this other thing with you fiance/boyfriend/other group, so really you should be hanging with me." I wish i could say that sometimes, but then i would feel like im being super manipulative, which i try not to be heh.. okay sorry, enough, I dont know how this response turned into a bunch of I would, I think, I, I... sorry.

*hugs heather* how r u hun?

*hugs everyone else* i think that is most people that posted recently... if i missed you i'm sorry, I'm not trying to ignore, just catch up.

Cold weekend for being outside but Uni homecoming events were pretty fun. Now got to get going on some homework.

SI'd an awful lot though. Not very strong of me I know... but... my frustration levels were getting out of control. I think one of my friends noticed though... I hope not, she is the type of person that would want to try to talk about it... and i'm not really in a place to talk. I've only ever openly talked about it with one person at uni.. most of the time i really hate talking about SI. Don't want to worry/upset people any more than they already are.

Argh!!!! Why do people dump on me when I'm already worked up. Not sure how much more I can take. =(

Well I've started Freaking out about my assesment tomorrow to judge if I'm eligable for housing benifit .
What if they say I don't deserve it?
They can stop my housing benifit and I NEEEEEED it to pay rent with.
I hate the feeling of being judged.
Everyone I've spoken to says it's easy and I deserve Housing benefit and am entitled to it so I KNOW I shoulden't worry but I FEEL so Anxious :S
Anxiety.
Anxiety.
Anxiety.

*Hugs Laura* I know the feeling of not wanting to talk about your S.I. I hope she doesen't pressure you into talking and also it's really not a question of you being strong or not ,the strongest person can cut and the weakest can resist the urge , it all depends on how you feel .Make sense?

*hugs mark* aw, im sorry that you are so anxious. You do deserve the housing benefit though. I understand the anxiety, I would probably have threw the roof levels of anxiety too. Try to do something that relaxes you.. go for a walk or something that will keep your mind busy. Here if you want/need to talk.

And what you said makes sense. I know i shouldnt be using words like strong/weak in reference to SI... I hope she doesnt pressure me into talking either.

*hugs jill* i'm sorry that people were dumping on you. Stay strong hun, I know how hard it is but try?

And I just remembered that i forgot to pay rent... crap. 4 days late tomorrow when i'll drop it off (office wont be open today to do so)

Erm sod it I'm giving in trying to beat this tonight, I feel very crapy but sod it. Deff going to have a drink tonight when I get home, don't worry not going to get drunk, just need somthing it's being a really horrible day. Sorry guys, curls up

Relaxing ? hmmm *Lights Insence* Maybe that'll help. I'm gonna take a diaz too , this is exactly why I'm prescribed them then I'm going to phone my parents for the distraction . Thanks Laura I hadn't even thought of any of this stuff before you prompted me .

Oh will your Landlord be cool with that Laura ? I hope so.

*Hugs Jill* Please please be careful with the alcohol , remember we are here to talk if you need too :)