*cuddles you both*

Mark, I sent her some flowers ^_^

I just make some chocolate krispie cakes nom nom!!!!

Hullo everyone... *cuddles*

Am at my parents' right now... fixing up some more chamomile tea (yey Mark!! :D)... relaxing. My sister is coming home for a few days & is stopping by my apartment in the afternoon, so I have to be home by a certain time, but it's nice being here for a little while anyway. :)

I'm really tired. Haven't texted my NP yet... not sure when/if I will. Ugh. I know I ought to be honest but it's so damn hard to be... :( She won't be happy at all that I had to go off the Tegretol... but now I'm going back on it so yey I guess??

*extra cuddles for everyone*

*cuddles helen and april.* oooh, a nice cup of tea and some cake! i may have to make a cake now! lol

hi everyone, how are you all?

Hey Kat!!!*Hugs* How are you? I'm not sure how I am hmmm....

Hi Kat. I'm really low (as per), exhausted, cold, dizzy and in lots of pain. How are you lovely?

*huggles everyone.* home alone tonight.......................... :(

Cuddles all, hmm feeling very numb and physically and mentally drained, really want stuff in my really life to go away. Curls up cries quietly.

I'm all alone too, but not in this house, please try stay safe Nicole *cuddles tight*

*Huggles Nicole*

*Cuddles Jill*

*Huggles Helen* typing at the same time again :)

Just magical Mark :) Anyone want to make me a hot water bottle? :( Still in lots of pain :(

*makes helen a hot water bottle and hands it to her* anyone wanna come all the way over to oxfordshire and keep me company for the night? lol

*hugs mark* i didnt think you were calling me a hypocrite. I was just saying that I shouldn't become one. No worries. How r u doing today?

*hugs jill* sorry that things are so crappy for you right now. Hang in there. Things will get easier eventually.

*hugs oliver* remember that you are included in what you said. You deserve to be happy too and are a very special individual :-)

*hugs helen and makes her another hot water bottle* sorry you're in so much pain. That was so nice of you to send your bestie some flowers! I bet it made her day.

*hugs april* I'm glad that you are back on your meds. You really should tell your NP about it though, I don't think she will be too mad at you. Hope you are having/had a nice time at your parents and have a good visit with your sister.

*hugs kat* hi! how have you been?

*hops a virtual airplane to visit nicole and keep her company* lol

My family is starting to question who I am typing to so much on my computer.. ugh, i hate when they question what I am doing. Going for dinner and drinks with a friend from high school tonight. Hopefully it'll be a good time... not too good though b/c i have to drive home afterwards lol

*gets in a virtual taxi to meet laura from the airport, stopping on the way to check helens water bottles are still warm.*

*joins Laura in going to Nicole's :P*

Thanks for the hot water bottles, still haven't found mine yet =[

*also joins Laura in going to Nicole's* :D We can have a fun time with tea and cake. :P

Am sooo tired... even took a nap (silly me) - am home now though.

*cuddles all*

lol i wish everyone could visit each other for real :-)

That would totally rock my world.

Speaking of which, if Jarrod's in the army, we might go to Germany as a placement... which means... I can visit the folks I know in the UK!!! XD So beware... I might come toodling by one day. :P

Ughh... my sister's supposed to be by any moment now... and my eyes are really heavy, hah, and Jarrod wants to hang out tonight before the raid on WoW... so... I'm going to have to stay awake somehow. Could someone pinch me, or give me caffeine that won't make me jittery & anxious?? :(

awesome, so party at mine tonight then? lol

*cuddles everyone lots*

That sounds like fun Laura , *Hugs* Drive safe :)

*sits* the one time i ever think 'i need to use phone support i dont have any credit :(

Argh!! Jarrod just walked in the door... and asked me if I've paid rent yet. Then went on to "berate" me and say that since I keep the checkbook in my purse, I should be the one to pay all of the bills, especially since I'm "the one who remembers." Honestly? Did he just get home? Did that just happen as soon as he ****ing walked in the door?

:crying: I may need to be the one who pays the bills, but seriously?! did he HAVE to start in on me after barely exchanging civilities?!

*hides in a hole and cries*

*Hugs Nicole* Do you need to talk?

*Hugs April* Hmmm you don't need that , sorry:(

*hugs mark* i really just need a proper hug, and you cant give me that i'm afraid, but thanks for trying. i just dont know whats going on, i just suddenly burst into tears! :(

I don't want to have to pretend that I'm okay.

Because I'm not.

So... I'm just gonna hang out in here for awhile I think...

*hides again in her hole* :'(

:( *Hugs Nicole as best I can*

*Roots around and finds April in her hole and squishes*

Just updated my r/v...

*goes back to hiding* :crying:

*hugs mark* thanks, im just very aware of the fact i'm home alone and there is paracetamol in the house again and im finding it very tempting. :(

Hey guys,
So I'm sorry for my lack of individuals... too much reading for my brain.
but *hugs everybody* I did notice quite a few people having a hard time... so I hope it gets better for all of us.

Last night I went to a Young Women's Conference with a few of my friends. It hit me hard, it was all about good relationships vs bad (I've known for a while, my relationship is severely emotionally abusive, and becoming increasingly close to physically... So even though we're technically not together but still kinda together it hurt), and then it was also about seeing yourself as beautiful of worthy and love and such.... which we all know I don't see myself as. Also, since it was a Christian thing, there was a local worship band there called Treehands, and I got their CDs cause they've written so many songs about bad times that could've been written about me.

And... I've been triggered since last night. go figure.

*cuddles Felicia & Nicole and then goes back into hiding* :( Sorry, am not much use tonight...

*cuddles everyone* dont worry april, neither am i.

*Hugs Felicia* Do you like your new CD's? Treehands and Tori Amos :)

*Hugs Nicole* Try not to give into temptation with the paracetemol:(

*Hugs April* Sorry I was quite crap on FB chat :(

*hugs mark* im trying, i know i should do some ice diving because it always helps when im feeling like this, but im freezing cold already and dont wanna get any colder.

Mark, yes, and I also got another Tori Amos and a Fiona Apple CD in the mail today. I feel like I'm in music heaven, but I also need to weed out my old unlistened to songs on itunes so everything will fit on my ipod lol.

I think I'm going to take a walk guys. I will talk to you all in a bit!

*gives hugs and cuddles on her way out*

Nicole , this may sound like a stupid question but whats ice diving?

lol, its one of my DBT skills, basically just shove your head ina bowl of ice cold water, it triggers this reflex which slows down your breathing and helps calm you down.

Cuddles all. Hmm at the risk of sounding dramatic I may disappear for a while, I feel hmm I got no idea how to fininsh that really no idea. Sorry =(

*huggles*

*cuddles everyone*

*cuddles you all*

just had a great night, saw an amazing outdoor production of Romeo and Juliet, was just fantastic.
but now I'm home and bloody dreading tomorrow and the week that follows, want to just curl up and cry

Hmm ice diving sounds interesting... lol... but kinda like a treatment used a long time ago in insane asylums, "shock treatment," where you basically were dunked in a tub of ice cold water until you came out of whatever funk you were in. Hope that made sense (and didn't offend anyone).

Am doing a bit better now, thankfully. >_<

Mark, it's okay that you were "crap" on FB... you weren't really, unless I were too, because I didn't really have anything to say, just wanted to talk with someone and I talked with you so that was good. :) So, no feeling bad and no sorries. :) You were fine. *cuddles* How are you feeling now?

Hels, Oliver, how are you two doing? *cuddles*

Nicole, feeling any better? *cuddles*

Felicia, I hope your walk goes well. And yey for music heaven, hehe, I was like that a bit ago when I had a new Delain cd and a new Sirenia cd. XD They both went on my iPod and I've been listening to them a lot. More Skillet and Plumb and Evanescence lately, though. >_< *cuddles* I'm sorry to hear about your relationship & how it's been going; I'd say get out of it if you can... because that's not a healthy relationship (d'oh). But, easier said than done, I know. Sorry if that was dense advice. :-S

So effing tired. Started another rep grind tonight with my main on WoW. Should be fun... >_< It's going to take awhile as you start at neutral with the faction, then go to friendly --> honored --> revered --> exalted, and THEN you get the reward (a Wintersaber [purple-ish striped tiger] mount). Woohoo. :) But geez. It's going to take a looong time...

Anyway. Ummm... I don't have anything else to say, really. Just really stressed and exhausted and anxious, all at the same time. And low. Mustn't forget that. >_< Haven't texted my NP yet, need to do that... :-S

Oliver, what's tomorrow & the week that follows? is the the orchestra course where you have to "be a girl"? Sorry if that sounded dense, I really don't know a lot about this type of thing so yeah. :-X Don't mean to offend. *hugs* Glad you enjoyed the production of "Romeo & Juliet" though. :)

yeah its the orchestra course where I have to pretend to be a 'girl' and you didn't offend or sound dense in anyway, I'm not understanding everyone in here to understand trans stuff so its fine.

its just suddenly hit me, I thought I was stronger and braver and could do it, but I can't, plus I won't have internet so won't be in here until next sunday.

*huggles all*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies - there's been four pages of posts since I was last in here. :-(

Just thought I'd do a quick update on my appointments yesterday if anyone is interested the full update is in my support thread.

Pain Management: Being referred to quite a few different people and getting an assessment by the physio - although he said that my hospital physio probably did "quite a thorough" assessment - so he knows what to work on. He's taking it to the meeting next Thursday (12/Aug) and then I should get letters. (Yay)

I walked out of there quite literally shaking like a leaf.

Psychiatrist:
Firstly, coming down off the Proprananol (beta-blocker) from 120mg (40mg/80mg) until I'm off it;
Secondly, starting to take Anafranil (tricyclic antidepressant) starting with 25mg nocte (nightly) for 5 days then going to 50mg nocte
These two things are actually happening simultaneously but we (me, my housemate and my psychiatrist) are keeping fully open lines of communication. I am emailing my psychiatrist in a week - about August 13th and seeing him again on the 20th.

Because I'm on a tricyclic we've got some special rules in place, but I'm really hoping that this works. I'm sick of feeling like a prisoner in my own home. I know that it will take some time, but it would be nice to be like a normal person . . . to be able to leave the house just for fun - to walk away from the house without having to have "a reason". *sigh*

Oops, sorry. Talking about myself WAY too much.

I'm off in an hour , everyone take care and I'll be back next sunday evening.

*cuddles all*

*cuddles everyone*

*Hugs Everyone* Morning :)

Hey Helen , I spot you :)

You don't spot me :P I posted before you aha!!!