I'm crazed Lindsay , the Wales and West (My landlords) Engineer just called and is coming over (To fix my toilet flush) at 4pm but I have an appointment with my nurse at 3.30pm across town 15 minutes and I've rung her offices to see if I can bring it forward to 3pm but it just rang and rang so I've left a message on her mobile , Why is EVERYTHING happeneing today? I got a volunteer shift at the cyber cafe for 11am on wednesday , today is getting on top of me a bit *Bites lower lip* I'm getting Lithium / anxiety / stress shakes

How are you Doing Lindsay? I know you have a stressful day too:S

*hugs Mark* I hope you manage to sort things out.

I've taken my car to the garage, which was scary because I never know if i'm parking in the right place. They have phoned and said I need a new radiator which will cost £69 plus VAT and work costs. They'll probably phone and tell me it's ready while i'm out with my support worker or getting my stitches taken out. My OT phoned to say that my psychiatrist has written me a letter to help with my ESA appeal and i've to go and collect it tomorrow. I briefly mentioned that I am struggling with thoughts of overdosing. I might get to talk to her more about it tomorrow if I can stay safe.

I.can't.****ing.do.this.anymore.

*Hugs April Tons* Whats up lil sister?

*Hugs Lindsay* It's good to speak to someone in person, please try and stay safe until you can talk to them tomorrow .

Well all my appointments are done with the exeption of the engineer (Who has popped out for parts for my toilet) . I showed up at my nurses office a half an hour early and she saw me after about 5 minutes which was good of her , It's good to talk to people who don't judge you for substance abuse and Mental Health issues , I'm tired and achey now I have no appointment to go to heh.

*hugs Mark* I can't stand it. Jarrod's still not back at work (starting the 3rd week that we have NO income whatsoever)... I am sick sick sick of fighting... I feel like there is no point to doing anything... I haven't seen the point in getting dressed/taking meds/eating breakfast prior to 9-10am in the past few days (when I usually get ready for the day by around 7 or 7:30am after USUALLY getting up at 6am)... I'm ****ing sick of Jarrod coming to bed hours after I do (when you are used to sleeping with someone next to you it gets really annoying when they don't come to bed at the same time you do)... I don't know. Can I please please please give up? since apparently I can't cut or starve or binge or purge or over-exercise or do anything like that?????

:crying:

April Hun , you know that those are all self destructive things to do , Could you maybe speak to Jarrod and come to a compromise about what time you BOTH go to bed together and then stick by that agreement ,like early some days and later some other days?
Also,
Can you claim any kind of benifits whilst you have no household income? you may be entitled to some money , however small , I don't know the U.S. wellfare system but just an idea.
We all care about you here in the ward , please take good care of yourself :)

*toddles into common room*

Hey there my fellow wardies, sorry I've not had a chance to go around the ward and catch up with everyone over the past 5pages or so, but my brain isn't up to it right now. Thinking of you all and wishing that there was something that I could say or do to help ease everyones struggles though.

I'm worried about tomorrow. I've got a work focused interview to do with claiming benefits here in the uk. I know I don't need to worry about being a fraud or anything, I know that with my physical illness and disabilities alone, let alone mental health, they will not try and get me back into work. But that's just the problem, going to these things makes me have to own up to how ill I am. How I've not worked for the past 4 and a bit years, how much I miss my job (drama tutor at stage school), how I feel worthless and a burden and a drain on the NHS and welfare system....it just makes me feel so so low, pathetic, waste of space. Its after things like that, that i'd usually SI. Its been 14months (with a minnor slip up at the 10month mark) now since I cut, but I haven't been through a major trigger like this in that time. So worried. Blah. Sorry for waffling on. Probably would be better if I wrote a journal entry, as I'm not really looking for advice. Just putting it out there if you know what I mean....

*toddles round giving out huggles to those who want them before heading out to the smoking shelter*

*cuddles april, mark, hayley, helen, lindsay jill, julie, felicia, RYUU, needhelp, rainbowsandbutterflies, and everyone else*

Sorry i just kind of ran off yesterday after asking for hugs. I had to leave my apartment otherwise i was going to do bad things. So i just wandered around for a little bit before heading off to work. Still feel like I want to cut this morning but i'm going to try not too, at least not until class is over this afternoon.

*huggles Laura* Sorry that your urges haven't passed yet, but you've done well and been strong so far. I'm sure you'll make it through class ok too. Just try your best and use whatever distraction techniques that you can.

My brain isn't up to doin a journal entry, I also think it may be better to not think about the situation too much now, I'll only get myself all anxious and in a tiz-woz. Best to distract myself, I think a dvd and Reggie time may be called for, and then I can use my journal to help me get out my feelings in a safe way tomorrow.

Catch up with you all then, distractions and Reginald rabbit here I come!

The devil is getting louder i try to drown him out with music but he is louder than the music

Cuddles all, today is getting to be to much, want to hurt so much right now. Such fuc@ing muppets today and I'm not up to taking there crap. Curls up and cries.

*hugs everyone*
ergh feel like ppl was staring when was eating lunch :/ cuz am yucky and shouldnts eat nuhuh =[

*hugs everyone*

Sorry for no replies, I just feel so low. I still want to overdose and think I should just go ahead with it. (Or phone the voluntary crisis team and see if they have anything to offer.) But i'd rather just do it.

*hugs Heather* you are not yucky. You're lovely =)


I... don't even want to try anymore.

* hugs one step closer * please call the crisis team try not to OD

*Hugs Lindsay* Please please phone the crisis team , They may be helpful .

*Hugs Felicia* I know the feeling of not wanting to try anymore but you WILL get out of this funk , It gets better it really does .

Lindsay, I think you should phone the crisis team.

Mark, I hope it gets better. I'm hanging on to the idea of it can't rain forever. It's so hard though. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to socialize. I make myself do all three though, so that must be something.

Well.....I'm bushed , to tired to cut , well I just can't face cleaning up aferwards so I won't cut tonight , not an ideal way to do it but at least .... you all know .
So it's 8pm just gone and I'm going to take my meds and off to bed , I feel like a bad ward mate leaving so early so sorry , I hope everyone feels better about themselves soon
*Hugs*

Goodnight, Mark. Have a wonderful night:)

night mark <3

*waves to everyone*