*hugs lots*
I'm supposed to be doing my second and last trial day at a nursery tomorrow but I don't think I can do it. I don't even want to think about it. I don't know how to explain this grinding feeling in my chest, I just want to disappear and be invisible so I don't have to face a decision and have to let anyone down.
Even if I miraculously forced myself to get out of bed and go tomorrow, it's a 9 hour day. What if I want to escape and I can't? I can't break down there in front of the children and everything. And if I magically got the job, how would I manage that every day? What would I do?
I feel like such a ****ing idiot for even bothering to try in the first place. I've just made it worse. Now I'm just going to disappoint my mother again and reinforce the fact that I am a failure.
I want to hit myself in the head so it will stop hurting me.

Sorry. I let out a bit too much.

I hope you're okay Oliver.

*hugs mrs Pan*
dont be sorry for writing a bit, its fine, its good to get it out. your not an idiot or a failure at all. all you can do at the nursery is your best. best of luck tomorrow *hugs*

Thank you, I'll probably need it. I should be in bed, being responsible. Ha.

How are you doing?

I'm not doing so great, really bad urges to OD, just trying to keep myself distracted, but emotions and mood swings are really bad

*Hugs Mrs Pan*

*Hugs Oliver* I'm sorry your not doing great *sits with you*

Well done for not just giving in, it takes strength. I hope your emotions manage to settle down, keep distracting yourself and hopefully you will get tired and just be able to sleep. That's my favourite distraction.
*hugs*

*hugs Ian and Mrs Pan*

*hugs Ian, Mrs Pan & Oliver*
Good night all!
See ya in the morning!

*crosses fingers for Mrs Pan*

Thank you, nanight

*hugs Crimson* night

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Ian*

*Hugs Taz*

*Hugs Oliver*

*Hugs Mrs Pan*

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Lindsay* How are you hun?

*hugs all*
'Morning!

hugs everyone

*hugs Louise* How are you?

*cursl up* ************

*Hugs Crimson* How are you?

*Hugs Louise* How are you also?

*Hugs Oliver* Whats up Mate?

*hugs Mark* I'm doing okay today. You?

*sits and offers Oliver a plushie* Wanna talk about it?

*hugs Mark and Crimson*

basically I went to my GP today and we talked about a lot of things and it came up about me going back to uni in september and I have told her in the past that I was unsure about going back this year and hadn't made a decision. Now though I have made the decision to go back this september, but the decision wasn't made about me, I said to myself I'll go back because everyone expects me to (my family, teachers, the odd friend, fellow students) basically I said yes to please others. and I told my GP this today and she asked what I really feel, which is I don't think I can go back because I'm not coping now how am I going to cope with essays, practice, rehearsals etc and she said she would speak to my psych's consultant about assessing me and saying i am medically unfit to go back and she said I need to think about it from my perspective and be honest with myself about how I'm not ok. but I know I HAVE to go back this sept cos everyone thinks i am, especially my mum who thinks i am ok now and i cant let her down again.

sorry rambled on there