Rawr. I did the bad thing. >;[

I went so long (well, 3/4/ days before xmas) without SI'ing. Fuuuuuuuucker.

*sighs and cuddles teddy*

I think my day was a little too emotional. Finding out about The Rev was the last straw, because he always wrote such amazing lyrics that helped me through so much. And he was only 28. It's not fair.

I can't believe I'm so upset about someone who I've only met once. Pathetic much.

*hugs to all*

*pops in briefly*

I'll reply to posts later, am not doing well right now. REALLY REALLY REALLY want to b/p... can't do it though, can't let myself... but I want to do it so badly!! *cries* Even going on WoW didn't help that much - I kept thinking about how stupid and ugly I am and how much I need to die... or b/p...

*hides in a dark corner, hoping that no one is annoyed or angry with her*

I'm not annoyed or angry. I've got to go out, but I know how you feel honey. I'll talk to you when I'm home from work okay? *squishes* Keep strong, I know it's hard though.

*leaves cuddles for all whilst she's out with a friend and at work* xx

*hugs Helen* Take care of yourself whilst you're out & about!! :)

xx

Just had a flashback in the bath. Well, not a flashback exactly. I was in the bath and I heard my dad's voice. Really clearly. He said "Hello, my dove." Oh jeeez, I'm shaking so much.

sorry, pointless.

*checks in until i move out of my dads house* *makes pillow fort and cuddles up to plushie and reads manga and eats pocky*

*Wanders over to Ashley, gives pillow* :)

Welcome to the ward. ^.^

*wanders back over to own corner, starts drawing*

^ I'm sorry about you're flashback thing hon. u drawing anything nice?

April I'm sorry you've been struggling, how is your day going?

Hi OrangeCandy, welcome to the ward. how u doing? *offers a lovely hot chocolate*

Kahlia that's great, any luck moving it to Mon? How are you feeling now?

I'm still quite triggered , feel very depressed and i get my wonderful but stressful toddler back soon. eek :/

*cuddles to all*

^ drawing picture of rainbows. :)

Eurghhh... I mini-binged at my parents' place (where I am now) and now I feel like purging... ate a lot of sugar-free stuff so hopefully that'll go through quickly. :-X I hate myself so so much... wish I never got to this place, wish I never gave in, wish I were ****ing brave enough to purge!!!

Anyway. My day's **** so far but oh well. We did see a family friend (we being my family) and that was nice. Thankfully she didn't talk about the bulimia... :-X

Erm... what else... not much. :-X

*cuddles Franz* How you doing today? besides the flashback thingummy? I would've been shaken by that too... if you need to talk any more about it we're here.

*holds Laura* I bet I sound like a broken record too... but you know what? That's OKAY!!! because this is a place to vent out what we're feeling. If it bothers people, well then, as far as it concerns me, they can just leave. May sound harsh but if you have something you need to get out - then talk about it. Either here or PM me or someone else. ♥ Your posts aren't annoying at all either nor stupid and you oughtn't shut up. :)

*hugs Kahlia* I hope that you find a good GP to talk with... or are a little clearer with your current one. I understand it being difficult to express how things are going... especially when you're feeling ill. How'd supper go? did you manage to keep anything down?

*huggles Jocelyn* What's got you triggered, love? and how old is your toddler? boy or girl? :) Oh, and what the heck is cottage pie? :P You UK'ers have so many weird foods!! lol. Or at least weird names... hehe. :)

*holds Heather* Hope you feel better soon, sweetie. Being sick is not fun at all... Do you have any plans for the day?

*hugs Horseridinbbe* (Heather?) What breaks the "rules"? eating dinner so late? In any case, self-punishing rarely does any good, so you oughtn't do it... but if you need to talk I'll be here. That sucks about the comp rules. :(

Well, my sis & dad are going for a walk so I guess I will too... fat ass... need exercise.

:(

*Waves* Sorry to see that so many of you had a difficult time yesterday. Hopefully today is a better day for you all. *Hugs for all who want them* There's so many posts that I'm behind on I won't reply individually, but I just want you to know that I did read them and I am thinking of you all.

Scarletdreamer - poor you, it's horrible when you want to purge and there's no opportunity for it. It really makes me panic. Try to keep thinking rationally about it though - like you said, most of it was sugar-free. Hopefully going on a walk will help you to feel more comfortable.

**

I'm doing ok today. Went into a nearby town this morning which went fine (except for one stolen item :-( ). My head's been pretty loud today, nothing in particular just the voices all being a bit rowdy. Wish they'd quieten down a bit. Ate a bit too much for lunch and couldn't purge because of a family board game... But I'm trying not to stress about it because rationally I know that it was hardly anything and my weight's got so low. To be honest the most likely consequence is that it will give my metabolism a boost and I'll lose more weight. Got some wool and knitting needles today to try out a new hobby!

*hugs Banana* Knitting is fun although I've not gotten past halfway done my first project!! :( Oops.

I'm glad that you understand. The walk didn't help... we went so slowly that it was misery. Finally I gave up on them keeping up with me and zoomed along until I was well out of breath. I hope that it burned some of the calories that I ate... stupid stupid stupid me!!!! *cries*

Anyway. I'm glad that you didn't have time to purge... it's not good, and I know that - hard to stop the urges, and I understand the panic - but as you said, you're at a low weight so yeh. *cuddles*

*cuddles onto April* Okay, just tired. Not bitten my nails for ages. Yay.

My rainbow is pretty. Gonna put it on my door. Ho hum.

Bit dissociated, as you might be able to tell.

*snuggles up to April and dozes*

*snuggles up to Franz because she needs someone to be near her*

Just posted in my venting spot about what just happened... my family is bullshit. All bullshit. I give up.

*cries*

:( *gives tissue and love to April*

Scarletdreamer - just read your post in your venting spot *Cuddles* That sounds so difficult for you and so frustrating. Have you ever spoken to your mum about how it all makes you feel? Try not to panic hun, you're not stupid and you're not fat and it's all gonna be ok. I can understand the frustration with walking slowly though, I hate that!! You said there was a lot of sugar-free stuff, so you don't need to worry about that. If you leave your parents', make sure you have a good plan of what to do this evening to try and avoid purging. Maybe go for a jog or something to ease the anxiety about eating and it will boost your mood as well. I hope you're ok dear.

DaVengezz - hope you're keeping safe. Sounds like a nice way to spend the time if you're dissociated!

I'm feeling ok could do with a fag but I'll have to wait now until everyone goes to bed... Yay for living with my folks...

Snuggles everyone xx

Wish I could be someone I like rather than having all this self hate inside of me

I know the feeling Grace. You'll get there though.

What the f**k I just looked up how to knit and got some really simple instructions and pictures up... But I don't get it and now I feel like a moron.

^ Not a moron. Nice person.

*hug*

*cuddles everyone* The ward has been very busy since i posted last night.. I've read everything though.

Helen - everyone is telling me that its ok to be a broken record on here, so we can be broken records together. Sorry that things are hard right now.

April - I really suck at truly talking about what is going on... Sorry that you mini-binged. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It'll be okay. I read your venting thing and your family stuff sounds really hard :-/

Banana - you are def not a moron for not knowing figuring out the patterns. I've never been really able to figure them out either..

*hugs everyone I didn't reply too* - sorry... I can't be on here long... i will reply properly later