*cuddles oliver* thanks :D
*cuddles JK* thankyou so much. that really made my day, i sometimes feel like everyone on here hates me and is talking about me behind my back (thats probably just me being paranoid :/)

*hugs helen and april*

Trying April.
Really trying.

*hugs you and Nicole*

Was supposed to die two years ago tonight. Am so thankful I failed =D Sometimes I'm not, but tonight I am.

Awh Nicole, I don't think that anyone here hates you. You're a lovely person... and yes, I agree, your positivity is awesome. :) May you very frequently be this positive... *hugs*

Helen, yes, I am SO GLAD that you failed too!!! I remember the days that I tried to kill myself too, 28 November (2005) and 20 January (2006), if I remember correctly... but I didn't succeed either (although the first one landed me in hospital for several days). Am not really glad about that most of the time, but oh well... at least I've gotten a year and a half (as of today!!) with my Jarrod. :) Well, married a year and a half. Been together for about 6 years.

*sighs*

I see my SW tomorrow morning early... not looking forward to that. I don't know, I'm just a failure at therapy, relationships, and LIFE. :(

*hugs helen* i'm glad you're not dead hun. xx
*hugs april* thanks, it makes me feel better to know my positivity is helping other people too. im also glad you're not dead xx

i was supposed to die nearly 3 months ago now, i'm also glad im not dead, although that did land me in hospital for a week.

*hugs nicole, helen and april* I'm very very glad that none of you died, there are lots of dates I remember when I was meant to die and also many dates I dont remember, too many to count.

congratulations on your year and a half and 6 years with jarrod April.

Nicole no one hates you on here and positivity is always good.

*hugs oliver* i know deep down that people dont hate me, but most of the time i feel like everyone hates me. positivity IS good. and it's nice to be feeling positive for a change lol

*hugs Nicole* yeah I know what you mean, I sometimes feel paranoid that people hate me on here, even though deep down I know they probably don't.

*cuddles everyone lots* my internet is about to go so hope you all have a good day/night.

aah. glad to know im not the only one :D thanks lol, same to you

*curls up*

*hugs helen* you ok hun? dont worry, todays nearly over xx

No. :'(

*squishes* you wanna talk? feel free to PM me x

*squishes*

Today may be nearly over. But still won't change anything? Still another day without her :'(

i know darling *hugs* wish i could make it all go away for you, but i cant. do you have anything there to distract you from missing her, a pet or anything??

No. I have Charlie, but he's my sister's dog. He's here 3 days & 2 nights a week usually. Just not quite the same. But he's not here right now. Losing her & all the feelings with that has made me want another child so much much more. I know it'd never replace Katie & I wouldn't want to. She'll always be my first child to me & my beautiful angel. Just want to cry tons & I can't :'( Really hurts. Made it through yesterday though.

Sorry :'( *hugs tight*

Hels, you made it through!! That's summat to be proud of, whether you feel like it is or not. *holds you & rocks gently* I hope that you're staying safe... and I can't say that I understand exactly how you feel, since I have never had the exact problems that you have and am not you (obviously, heh), but sending lots of cuddles and calorie-free chocolate to you... ♥

I'm really not doing well. I have so much heavy on my heart, but I don't know if I can talk about any of it with my SW tomorrow... I don't know... I'm such an epic failure... I'm so scared that I won't ever make it out of this cyclical mudpit that I'm in. :crying: Honestly, it is making me so tired... tired of living, mostly, still want to die so much.

I'm also an epic fail at being a wife.

And I'm envious of my bestie, who just got engaged and has the whole marriage thing ahead of her, new and sparkly just like her ring. The novelty of being married has worn off for me; it feels like I've been married for 10+ years instead of one and a half. I don't know... does that make any sense?

:crying:

*hides in a corner where no nightmares can get her* :(

Thanks April, hope you do talk to your SW tomorrow if you can. Sorry the novelty has worn off a bit. :( You're not an epic fail of a wife. *holds you tight* Nothing to be proud of. I'm glad you don't know what it's like, it's awful. I sorta wish I didn't but never mind. I want to punish myself. I have to. :'( But never mind. Will keep on being safe I'm sure.

Wooopie do, I'm sure my lowness has hit again, just had a wee break. Can't ****ing wait to suffer in it. Woo *rolls eyes and nearly cries*

**** it all.

*huggles everyone tenderly*

I'm sorry everyone is struggling so much. I wish I could do something to make us all feel better.

Helen - you just made me think of something from Robin Williams Live stand-up. He was talking about a drug that could fix everything called "****itall". It made me think of a "magic cure". Wouldn't that be nice?

*huggles everyone again*

*spots some movement near the ward* Hey Kahlia, how you doing hun? Love the "****itall" made me smile :D

Helen, honey, I don't have huge amounts of advice for you on this one, the closest I have is friends who have miscarried and all I could do for them was hug them and cry with them. *hugs and cries with Helen* Time does heal though hun, you are still young and my friends are old *apologises to friends* Anniversaries are always tough, so stay with us sweetie, you are grieving and each day that you do get through will feel a little better 'k? xx

*looks around for April and Laura and wonders how they are now*

*hugs the boys* hope you're going a bit better Mark, and I still haven't caught up with you Oliver!

Deidre hope you're feeling better hun, grief does take time though, so be patient alright.

*cuddles Nicole and sits with her a while* hoping your positivity will come to me through osmosis

*hugs any new wardmates who may happen to pass through*

*sits and plans to stay in the ward for a wee while tonight*

I am sorry so many of us are struggling *Enormous hugs for you all*

There have been days when I was supposed to die too ,4 times at least , it's a little fuzzy , I don't remember the dates though , sometimes I wish I had succeded sometimes I'm glad I didn't .

And
Happy one and a half years wedding anniversary April !! :)

Why thank you, Mark!! *cuddles* (oh and I spy you!! :D) How are you doing today? I'm also glad that you didn't die when you attempted (or planned to)... if you did die now I would miss you so much. :( But, that's getting morbid 'cause I'm not gonna let you die now. Hehe. Aaanyway... have you been playing Runescape much lately? what's it like? (never played it - Jarrod says it's not much like WoW)

Hels, how are you doing now, love? And if it helps any, I'm struggling with delayed grieving now... won't go into details now as it's the beginning of the day and I don't want to get too low, am already feeling sad and shitty. :( But as JK said, time heals... you'll get through this.*holds you & rocks gently*

JK, how're you? *hugs*

Kahlia, I've heard that "****itall" thing before... but it still made me smile. :P There should be a magic cure... but sadly, no go... :( How are you doing today/tonight? *squishes gently*

My bestie finally texted me... at 6am today... apologizing for yesterday like it was no biggie. :crying:

I'm just a mess. :(

*jumps for joy on finding April* glad your friend texted, yeah I get all weird when my friends don't reply, might well be part of depression and the like huh.

I just put a picture of myself up on
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...79#post2235779 , if anyone's interested in who I am. *hides and shakes a little*

Probably I will take it off again tomorrow, but just wanted to introduce myself to you lot.

I'm a bit fragile, but off to bed very soon, all tucked up and drugged up and safe from harm today. One day at a time for us all, we're all survivors in here, I too could have succeeded in any one of my ? attempts all those years ago, and tbh I would have missed a hell of a lot of fun stuff.

*leaves hugs for all and wanders off in her PJs*

*huggles everyone*

Re the "****itall" drug. The segment is hilarious the way he does it. "Your life is crap? ****itall." etc. His standup is very funny but definitely not for kids.

I am ... surviving. Having major issues with su and si urges and anxiety. Having to leave rooms etc at times to allow myself to gain control. I'll be okay, just not quite sure what is going on. Guess I'll have to wait and see.

*big hugs for everybody*

JK, you're very pretty. :) I love the setting for the picture. Sleep well... sweet dreams, be as snug as a bug in a rug (lol)... and talk with you, well, later today. Hehe. And I'm glad that you didn't succeed in your attempts either. *hugs*

Kahlia *cuddles* I'm sorry that you're struggling so at the moment... but it will pass, as you said... it just takes time. :( I wish I could help more... I'm here if you need to talk and I can offer a cat to snuggle. Hehe. *more cuddles*

I'm off to my SW appt in a bit... am not really looking forward to it, feel like such a failure in therapy because I can't get my words out right. I don't understand why people call me "brilliant" (my advisor) or "very intelligent" (my parents and friends) when I can't make forward progress in therapy, and feel stuck all of the time, etc., etc., etc. :crying: I don't know what to do, I honestly don't...

I need to update my r/v thread but I don't have the time now... probably will around 9am though.

*cuddles all* ♥

*cuddles everyone*

April: *big hugs* I hope things go okay with your SW appointment. Talking about what's going on in our lives can be far from easy. I always struggle with it. Feelings and thoughts can be hard to express, especially when your mood isn't playing ball. Just take it easy on yourself.

*huggles everyone else lots*

Lots of posts but will attempt to reply to them all. But definitely cuddles all round. I wish I could make us all feel better too :( We have each other, even when we can't support, we still have each other right? :)

I've heard of that I think. It would be very very nice.

I know time heals, even if me (and my closest best friend) hate that phrase so much!! Impatient ;) But thank you, seriously. It is tough. There's four days that are the worst, the -rword- that made her happen (that day/anniversary is traumatic in itself), anniversary of when she died, what would have been her birthday & Christmas... Never seems to feel any better, but I'm sure you're right. I don't feel like I've ever properly cried about it. Perhaps on one occasion last year when I was really going for it & about lots. Obviously I've had a few tears since then, but nothing much. Maybe I shouldn't? I know some of my real life friends, well definitely one, belvies that I shouldn't have decided what sex & name. As "it's made it harder for you to forget about it". Well...I don't want to forget about 'it'. She may not be here, but she's still MY baby, MY daughter, a HUMAN BEING!!! Yes, she didn't do all her growing, yes she didn't ever get born, but she's still a person to me :'( Sorry..P.S. I love your picture, you're so pretty <3

*clings* Sorry. I'm not doing so well today. Yet I have a sudden burst of :D :D :D I'm bit scared lol. Had another nightmare this morning, thankfully I can't really remember anything :) Sorry you're not doing so well but glad your best friend texted. That's good right?!

I'm glad you're surviving, but I'm sorry you're struggling sweetheart. We're all here for you *snuggles*

I hope it goes well. I can understand not looking forward to it. I remember dreading several counselling appointments (ok, not same thing but still). You're not a failure. All sorts of people struggle to get words out/talk and stuff. It can be so hard & daunting sometimes. I remember one session, I had to talk about thatrword and couldn't talk and struggled when I could. But you ARE intelligent, brilliant etc. You're a really good friend of mine. Hate anything to happen to you April :(

Kahlia, we were writing at the same time, big cuddles.

hey everyone *hugs*

helen-how you feeling today hun?

JK-*handes a basket full of positive energy*-there you go lol

Breathless. Hopefully it'll pass soon :S

You? *cuddles*

*hugs* aaw. why you feeling breathless hun? im good, bit nervous cause i've got DBT today and i hate it, but i'll be fine lol

I don't know. I'm not surprised you're nervous. Hope it goes well. What time is it at? :)

oh ok lol. it's at 3.30. not looking forward to it :/

I spy a Helen!! *pounces* Hehe... *holds and rocks some more* You'll be okay, sorry to hear that you're not feeling the best right now though. Is the breathlessness gone yet??

*hugs Nicole* Best of luck with the DBT, I've heard that it can be difficult so I don't blame you for being nervous about it. But I'm sure it will go fine. :)

I just got back from breakfast, and then going & buying stuff from the uni bookstore. Got some books by an author that I really like (Linda Hogan), whom I just discovered, and a "sweatshirt blanket" (made out of sweatshirt material) with my uni's logo on it. Woohoo... :) Spent too much but oh well... :-X

Feeling shitty but was really open with my SW. She's pretty much a counselor, so Hels, it wouldn't really be that much different from your nervousness about your counseling appts. I can't believe how open I was actually, it surprised me. :-/ I don't know if that's good or not...

*hides*

*finds april and hugs her* thanks for the good luck :D sorry you're feeling shitty, but well done for being open with your SW

urgh. sorry to ruin my bout of positivity, but my good mood just dissapeared :( my friends just been rushed to hospital with a burst appendix.........

*holds Nicole and rubs her back, if that's okay?* I'll be keeping your friend in my prayers and thoughts today... hope s/he will be okay. Try and stay positive though... because things are rarely as bad as they seem. I'm so sorry about your friend though... that has got to be very scary. :(

I'm doing okay... triggered though... I have to keep a food log and I'm scared about that, scared that the prof might think I eat too little or too much and judge me because of that. :( I mean, I could always lie, but... :crying: I HATE THIS...

But only 3 weeks of school left. :D That's a happy...

*hides again*

thanks :( urgh. now im really triggerd too. i dont wanna do DBT! :'(

Hey my fellow lovely inmates! *GROUP HUGGLE!*

well there's been 10pages since I last posted, so I've read through most of them to get the jist of whats been going on whislt I've been under the floorboards hiding. Still PMDDin, but I'm due on on saturday, so just a few more days to struggle through. I'm not feeling well today though but I'm determined to go to spiritualist development circle tonight. That may be a bad idea when not feeling well and not being sane, but I'll hate myself more if I miss the opportunity.

Anyhoo, lots been going on in my family whilst I've been hiding under floorboards to stress me out and worry me, especially my 23year old brother. I fear I am watching him waste away before my very eyes. The difference that I noticed in his weight loss in just the 3weeks since I last saw him is scary. I've posted a thread on the ED forum 'can you be sectioned for an ED?', so if any of you think you may have the strength in you to read it, it would really mean a lot to me. I so need to update my journal but I'm just feeling to overwhelmed with it all at the moment.

*goes out to smoking shelter - some chain smoking is needed*

I'm back from my ENT appointment , I had my ears sucked out with a mini vacuum cleaner ,it's an odd sensation , and super noisy.
April I have played Runescape a little but I don't "Get it" anymore I used to play for hours on end .hmmmmmmm
*Squishes group*
Oh and JK you look very pretty :)

*huggles mark* thanks for reading thread and your comment. Ears getting sucked out does indeed sound noisy and odd, lol I hope that its helped!

Time for my afternoon meds. Going to get in the shower and hope that that helps to revive me.

*cuddles everyone*

Hayley, hope the shower helps, good to see you around :)
Mark, I've had that done, it hurts like hell doesn't it?
Nicole, hope your appointment goes well & that your friend will be ok.
April, keep going sweetie

*cuddles everyone again*

Have had a shower, feeling alright today after all :D Going to try make some phone calls that I've been putting off for months & months :| I *have* to do them, I just have to...but it's not easy :S

Awh Hayley... *cuddles* I'm not up to reading the thread, I don't think, as even some of the titles of threads in the ED section can trigger me... but my thoughts & prayers are with you and your brother and family. How else are you doing?? And have you gotten to level 20 yet on WoW? :)

*cuddles Mark* What's wrong with your ear(s)? Sorry if that's a dense question, just never heard of that procedure before. I bet it was loud and uncomfortable though!! I'm glad the appt went alright. Hehe, I love my WoW... played a bit this morning. What I like about it (versus other games that I've heard of/seen) is that there are other things than just quests that you do. Like you can fish, or leatherwork, or gather herbs (you can only have two professions at once, like herbalism and alchemy, or skinning and leatherworking, or mining and blacksmithing), or cook (you can fish, cook, and do first aid as well as your two main professions)... it's crazy, lol. But I love it. :) There's a new expansion coming out in November and I'm hoping to have at least 3 level 80s (max level) before that time... I currently have a 80 death knight, 72 paladin, and 61 priest that I am planning on bringing up as fast as I can. :) Sorry for all of the WoW talk, it's a good distraction!! :o

*huggle Hels* Glad you're feeling alright!! That's awesome. :D I hope the good mood continues throughout the day... *more cuddles*

*cuddles Nicole* Why are you triggered, hon? what triggered you? *holds you gently*

I am so tired... am having a s/f decaf latte right now (at least, I HOPE it's decaf...)... it's really good, hehe. I'm trying to watch more what I eat now so I don't get too triggered doing this food assessment, and also so I can lose weight and wear a string bikini for my husband at some point in time. :P Without being all bulgy and nasty. :-/

*hides* :(

Why does making phone calls have to be so hard :(

I don't know, Hels... I have to make some phone calls myself and really don't want to either... although one pertains to my internship. :-S Am scared silly about that.

:(

Just updated my r/v thread... it's a kinda long entry though.

:crying:

*cuddles*

Mine are important ones too. Made this one on the wrong day, silly billy me. Got to phone about my phone contracts, try get doctors appointment, sort out my counselling & jobseekers stuff. Plus a possible phone call. ARGH ARGH ARGH!!

Awh... I'm sure that we'll both get them done though!! And damn it, I just remembered that there are 2 bills at home (in my name) that I have to pay... but I don't remember where I put them!! :'( I'm so stupid... and the apartment is so cluttered at the mo from the kitchen being fixed, so it's going to be a chore to find them. DAMN IT!!!!!

*hides* :crying:

*huggles everyone*
Sorry for no individual replies... 6 pages since I last looked.
How is everyone?

I'm doing pretty shitty. :'(

How are you, Crimson??

And I spy a Mark!! :D

Not bad so far but I've only been awake an hour and a half.

well shower revived me slightly....I'm clean and dressed ready for development circle later. Serious amounts of caffiene I think will be needed. But I am NOT letting my PMDD win, I AM going. *stamps foot to emphasise point*

I've had a headache all day, at first I thought it was just due to my M.E, but now I think about it, its a different type of headache....the one we all know so well....the holding back the tears. But I don't feel justified for the reason I want to cry, I want to cry about my brother and his situation. But surely thats just selfish and by crying putting the attention onto me?! Oh and April, don't worry about the thread, I knew that there would be a few people who it'd be too much for, if not all of us in here as we all struggle so much.

On distracting WoW talk (so skip ahead if it bores you, lol) I have indeed made it to level 20 and got my first mount! I've not played on it in about 4days though due to PMDD and family stuff. You need to get a toon in Darkspear and then come and help me, lol!!

*goes out to smoking shelter...again*