Wish I had something useful to say that would help but just want you to know I'm thinking of you and hope you're staying safe. <3

I'm leaving some gentleness here for you.

This is terrible. So sorry to hear. Thinking of you.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I need to go to a and e again but I want to stay at home and cuddle my kitten. I'm a bad cat mum

Your kitty would want you to take care of yourself and be ok.

I messaged a friend. And am on the bus. Friend is going to call mh team tomorrow. I'm scared I will loose friend for being shit.

I'm so tired. It's hard to keep going. Hard to keep working
Hard to live.

Your friend clearly cares. As we do. I hope A&E help.

I hear how desperately hard it is. Keep going one moment at a time.

Your friend wouldn't offer to call if you were about to lose them. I'm really glad you reached out and messaged them. Hope you're getting on ok.

Thank you everyone. I suppose that is rational about my friend.

I'm still waiting to be seen by triage at a and e. Been here over 2 hours now.

Do they know how long it might be?

Did you managed to get much sleep yesterday? You must be absolutely shattered.

I didn't ask. Will just make me want to leave


I got a fair bit like 8 hours or so but am still very very tired.

Did you get seen ok in the end?

Yep. And I've called my cmht this morning and made a gp appointment.

Well done I hope they're helpful x

Well done Lillie. When will you be seeing the GP?

Saw the gp at 2pm today. Told her lots. Been put back on sertraline. She too wanted me back on aripiprazole. I said no. She's going to speak to psyche and try and get me more definite support.

I'm glad to hear that.

Out of interest, because I'm on it, what don't you like about Aripiprazole?

I wad on it to make the sertraline work better. So when I came off sertraline it made sense to come off aripiprazole too.

Ah right.

Could you try anything else?

I hope your GP is listened to. How do you feel about restarting meds?

Are you working over the weekend?

I'm glad things are finally being done and I hope they are useful for you. Are you not keen on being back on meds? How did you find Sertraline when you were on it before?

I don't mind the sertraline. It helped a lot at a high dose. I just don't want to be on loads of pills. And I'm on loads as it is.

I'm not working this weekend no. Meant to be going to a hen do but I'm not feeling able to manage it. Which makes me feel terrible.

I can understand feeling terrible about not feeling able to manage the hen do but it's more than ok for you to take time to look after yourself. There's no point forcing yourself to do something if it might make things harder. Will the person understand if you can't make it?

Take proper time to look after yourself.

I'm nearly out of reasons not to go to A and E. I can't decide what shoes and coat to wear. But I've spent ages making myself look nice and now I cba to go.

The cut isn't that bad. I don't think. But you know when you don't trust your own judgement? How do I know if its bad enough? What if they laugh? Its not deep enough.

The hen do is my best mates sister. My best mate is being wonderful about it which is making me feel worse.

Have you managed to go to A&E? I'd hope people wouldn't laugh, but no matter what other people think it's important to get treatment if it's needed. They will know if it needs treated or not, it can be hard to judge things like that yourself.

I'm in a and e now. Well the fractures clinic which is a make shift minor. Yet again they triaged without looking at the wound and were horrible.

I'm so sick of being alive.

Please stick around, I know waiting is horrible.

I'm sorry people are being so awful and not considering your feelings. Maybe just focus on getting physical treatment at this point, and hopefully you will get more proper support soon if your GP is speaking to psych.

The nurse who put me back together was really nice which helped.

I'm glad someone was kind. How are you doing now?

I'm the same. Unsafe and sad and urged.

How are things today?

Much the same. Sorry.

Well done for being here. I am glad the nurse was kind, you deserve to be treated right.

I'm leaving a package of gentleness here for you.

No need to apologise for your feelings. I hope this week is better for you.

Just a little update. I went to the gp for antibiotics and ended up telling him I was very suicidal because he asked. And I'm seeing htt tomorrow. I'm somewhat relieved that someone listened and got me help. Scared I won't be taken seriously though.

I'm sure they'll take you seriously. I'm glad that you're getting help.

I'm very glad someone listened. Do you know any of the HTT people? Maybe just explain things exactly how you did to the GP today.

I used to know some people on htt but that was a few years ago.

I didn't explain why to the gp beyond I can't live like this so I'm going to hang myself on day x.

I'm sure you could say that and then expand on why.

Hope it goes well for you today, Lillie. You deserve the help and you deserve to live. Thinking of you. <3

Thank you.

They are coming at half 10ish. So say 11.

I've managed to get dressed and brush my teeth. Need to drop a swab into the drs and get milk. Both of which are a 3 minute if that walk away but it seems impossible.

I'm scared htt won't help.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Hope everything goes well.
You are doing a great job so far. Please, take care.

They've been. Haven't made any offers. Said they need to talk to the team and the cmht. Have the feeling they won't offer me anything.

I've got my fingers crossed that they can help you in some way. Well done for telling the GP.

Thanks.

They called and are visiting me tomorrow. Not sure.

In what way?