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effervescence 31-03-2008 11:59 PM

I want to die.
But I can't.

p.s. Jeremy - don't you just love the time difference?

I hope you guys are ok. I have been rubbish at support lately. I just have no energy. I'm sorry I'm so useless. But yeah. I just want to die.

MammaMia 01-04-2008 12:40 AM

I think we all need a huge lift at the moment.
I wish I had words to help you guys and I know I'm trying to help you Ally && Alex....

I love you all, but I'm struggling so much myself too.

*hides in blanket crying*

effervescence 01-04-2008 07:54 AM

A lift would be good. Any ideas?

Jetforce 01-04-2008 08:17 AM

Yeah...i love the difference...hahaha...not!

*hugs chloe and helen*

hang in there ppl...*offers them minty chocolate chip ice cream*

effervescence 01-04-2008 08:29 AM

mmm minty chocolate. man, there are a lot of guests watching us right now. weird....they cant all be those searchy thingies. how are you?

zowie 01-04-2008 12:26 PM

I'm going shopping today but I'm so scared I'll hurt someone. I can't control myself anymore, I can't distinguish reality.
Love you all xxx

Jetforce 01-04-2008 01:51 PM

Errh, i could be better really...but oh well, i'll live

Urself chloe?

*hugs zowie* just try and pretend that everybody who u see r individuals like u

~*forever_broken*~ 01-04-2008 04:13 PM

What's a 'searchy thingy'..?
And yeah, the other day there were like, five guests, and like two of us in here... lol it's like at pow-wow when all those non-native american white folks come and gawk at our dancing... Only this is more personal.

*hugs everyone that needs it*
Zowie, howd it go down town?

*snuggles Jeremy*
What's up friend?

Me? I'm awful but c'est la vie so... *yawn* and exhausted :-( damn and I've got all day to go yet...

*makes some breakfast for everyone, pancakes, waffles, eggs, bacon, mushrooms, tomatos, whatever, all good stuff... And te and coffee, very important those*

zowie 01-04-2008 06:18 PM

Town went okay, thanks for asking Ally. My friend who took me said I should tell someone about the police are spying on me. She got worried when I hid everytime a policeman walked past or if I heard a siren, so I had to tell her about how they are spying on me and she thinks it's because I'm 'unwell'
I don't think it is, I'm really sure they are. Is it because I'm unwell?

Detour. Derail 01-04-2008 08:23 PM


Originally Posted by effervescence (Post 666423)
A lift would be good. Any ideas?

Hot air balloon?^_^

effervescence 01-04-2008 08:24 PM

searchy things - i mean those yahoo spidery things, whatever they are. at the time it said 2 members and like 7 guests watching us.
im tired, as usual. just been for a blood test, they took so much! and it made me feel a bit sick to watch - ironic much? they think i have diabetes or something. i think i just like chocolate.
glad town went ok zowie.
wats up jeremy?

Detour. Derail 01-04-2008 08:40 PM

I was watching TV...non-triggering...and my fave character got upset.. so i got RIDICULOUSLY upset...
I feel really low...
how stupid...
i feel really out of touch...
i cant convince myself that it isnt real...

-sighsighsigh- ><

Pomegranate 01-04-2008 09:07 PM

*hugs everyone who needs it*

Well, I'm back from Wales and feel ****. I just don't want to do and feel like this anymore. I had a parcel today from my sort of ex, who is lovely to me and so kind and I guess in some ways I have sort of come to rely on his support. But he says he wants me to stop and use him as support to do so. I dunno, I just feel like I have lost a confidant. Everyone keeps telling me enough is enough but I just can't see that. :crying: Nothing will ever be enough and now on top of that I will have to hide it from those I trusted enough to tell and talk to in the first place. It is just never going to end.

Sorry for writing such an essay

jadey 01-04-2008 09:29 PM

*massive snuggles for everyone here who is needing one*

i need to sleep

but i am too scared

this is the third night

i need to sleep...i can't sleep...i need to

stay strong everyone xxx

~*forever_broken*~ 01-04-2008 10:41 PM

*hugs everyone*
Zowie, sweetie, the police don't usually spy on people... *snuggles* I think your friends suggestion of telling someone is a good idea...

Oh, THOSE searchy thingies *rolls eyes at self* duh.

*sigh* it's short sleeve weather today... the first spring I've had where I can't wear short sleeves without some sort of cover-up for my arms... Being the stubborn person I am I am out and about (aka campus and work) in a t-shirt and some long fingerless gloves I made from trouser socks (I was pretty proud of myself for the idea actually)... and I feel like everyone knows. They probably do though. *sigh* However, while at the grocery store I had a minute or two of feeling slightly less self conscious as I saw a guy wearing a shirt with the sleeves rolled up and some similar (though not as long I don't think) fingerless gloves... I can only think he's covering up something as well...

*sigh* not sure how I feel, mostly out of sorts I suppose. Since my family finding out I cut (I know, like y'all don't have similar stories, it's not unique to me) I have felt really weird... Something in me died, I can feel it... I know it sounds weird but that's the only way to describe it. I can still laugh and visit with my customers at work... I've always been good at that, no matter how low I am (well, one time I couldn't even smile but...)... but something is not the same... something is not right... hmmm

*sits in her corner with arms draped over knees and stares into space, thinking, wondering...*

Detour. Derail 01-04-2008 10:51 PM

*hugs Ally* awww i'm sorry hun..I wish i had something for you :/

I want to run...
run far away
I want to keep running and for it to rain on me.
Rain and not stop raining til I'm soaked...
Why do I want this so much >.<

squiggles 01-04-2008 11:08 PM

*Crawls back under duvet to hide*
I don't know why I'm feeling so low today. I should be feeling less stressed, everyone is bacn from holiday at work so my workload has gone back to normal :), some reason I feel horrid.
I'm just gonna stay here and hide.
*Hugs to everyone*

effervescence 01-04-2008 11:43 PM

maybe becasue running in the rain make you feel alive again, and free, and it gives you release and endorphins and the rain is cold and you can actually feel it. and also the sense of perspective and that you feel that actually all the little problems in the world are nothing compared to real, raw life? thats how i see it anyway.

ally i know how you feel. i cant really expalin it, but i know.

hi jadey. u really need to sleep hun, its ok. its safe to sleep.

i wish i could go to sleep but i have lectures including 4hrs straight of chemistry. gah.

Detour. Derail 02-04-2008 01:55 AM

Ok...I need help...need to start a thread...but dunno WHERE to post it...
So...yesterday...I had a reallly bad day...
Went into my room and caught sight of my reflection in the full length mirror...
Next thing I know...my sister is stood in my doorway..asking me who I was shouting at...

I'm...worried...scared...I only remember looking up (into the mirror) and thinking "Who the **** is that?!?! Why are they in my room?!"

I need to start a proper thread..but dunno where it belongs ><

Detour. Derail 02-04-2008 02:13 AM

C-L-I-M-B-I-N-G--T-H-E--W-A-L-L-S :pinch:

Where is everyone?!


~*forever_broken*~ 02-04-2008 05:05 AM

*snuggles Alexx*
Sweetie I'm sorry you're having such a time of it... I wish I had some advice for you, some encouragement...

Much love sweetie

*hugs for anyone else that needs it*

~*forever_broken*~ 02-04-2008 06:21 AM

I'd kind of like to die... I have no good reason, just that I'm done... I want to be done. What's the point anymore?

Ah well, c'est la vie... One more minute, one more hour, one more day...

*curls up in her corner and wishes it would all just go away*

Hey... Has anyone seen Helen today? Have I just missed her..?

effervescence 02-04-2008 09:06 AM


Originally Posted by ~*forever_lost*~ (Post 668784)
I'd kind of like to die... I have no good reason, just that I'm done... I want to be done. What's the point anymore?

*hugs* this is exactly how i feel. exactly.

i get to see my counsellor tomorrow. 1st time in 2 weeks :crying: seems like ages. i have a feeling it;s going to tiring and emotional....

No, i haven't seen Helen. Maybe she's hiding from the world. Seems like a good idea to me.

*searches for Helen in all the corners* Helennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Jetforce 02-04-2008 11:24 AM

*hugs chloe and ally*

Sorry, haven't got many words for u

alicewellingtonboot 02-04-2008 11:46 AM

can i move in too - im in a centre in birmingham an i reckon that a virtual centre would be alot nicer!

*knocks on the door of the virtual ward*


Jetforce 02-04-2008 04:06 PM

*opens the virtual door and welcome alice* :)

Make urself at home!!! hehe

*provides some coffee and or hot chocolate*

Detour. Derail 02-04-2008 04:50 PM


Originally Posted by ~*forever_lost*~ (Post 668784)
Hey... Has anyone seen Helen today? Have I just missed her..?


Originally Posted by effervescence (Post 668861)
No, i haven't seen Helen.

*searches for Helen in all the corners* Helennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Helen's house went up for sale so I *THINK* her internet might have been disconnected....maybe :notsure:
but anyway....she text me to tell me that...so I think that's what it might be....

Detour. Derail 02-04-2008 04:52 PM

oooooooh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeh...

I got it figured this morning...
I know whats going on...
I dont think I could tell my doctor...
He's..probably with Them...
Maybe you're all with Them too :notsure:
They wont like that I figured it out...
It feels odd...
But I know who She is and I know who I am...


Detour. Derail 02-04-2008 05:05 PM

I did it again...
Nana made one stupidly small comment asking if I was going all "mosh-mosh" again...because i had eyeliner on(WTF?!?!) and then everyone else chipped in with their stupid little comments and I completely snapped.
It shouldnt have bothered me...but She was trying to take over and it took ALL of my will power NOT to tell my nana I wished she'd just die :pinch: (she has cancer for the third time) even though I knew I'd regret it because I didnt mean it...
So I walked away...took some deep breaths...went back and was like "yeh...I have depression, anxiety and paranoia...." which she already KNOWS but she just gave me a dirty look and went "what you YOU have to be depressed, anxious or paranoid about?!"
It pissed me RIGHT off....

I'm gonna stop spamming the board...
no one reads my posts anyway...:/

Love you all
*leaves a bucket of hugs*

Detour. Derail 02-04-2008 05:07 PM


Hi Alice :] *waves*
Come sit by yonder fire and warm your hands...and feet...and soul ^_^

Detour. Derail 02-04-2008 05:22 PM

I think...I frightened everyone away :(

I'll be shushing nooowwwww

Pomegranate 02-04-2008 05:31 PM

No you didnt hun *hugs you* Sorry about your family being like that with you. Yeah, Helen said her internet is broken atm. Hope everyone is alright x

Detour. Derail 02-04-2008 06:45 PM

Oh gooooood...
coz I like being here...
I dont wanna get kicked out :(

my family are STUPID....
my best mates boyfriend is STUPID...

HMPH :pinch:

~*forever_broken*~ 02-04-2008 11:03 PM

Hey Alice, you're welcome here any time as long as you don't mind hanging out with us 'defects'.

Alexx, hunni, first, I think that whatever you figured out you probably should share with your doc... and I'm also sure none of us are any of 'them'(wow, that sounds a wee bit confusing)... we're all too messed up.
*snuggles you*

*hugs anyone that needs it*

I don't have anything tosay... I'm just... blank...
Got a counseling session tomorrow...hoping he doesn't ask me if I ODd or anything since last week (as I have, twice:pinch:)... and even though I knew I wasn't taking enough last nights was precedeed by the thought 'I'd kind of like to die'...

*makes a tea tray with cake, biscuts, coffee, tea, and cocoa and leaves it for people to enjoy*
*curls up in her corner with her blanket and stuffed lamb*
I am SO f**ked up :crying:

Detour. Derail 02-04-2008 11:55 PM

*hugs Ally* Sorry....Its as much comfort for me as it is for you...
hope you dont mind...
They are still about...*looks out for them*

Yuck...I was talking to a really good friend of mine before....
I thought she'd understand what I was going through...
she had a mental breakdown herself...
She told everyone she had a life threatening illness...
But her advice to me?
Stop letting it ruin your life and get a grip!
How can I get a grip?
None of this is even real...
It'd be like...catching smoke..
*sigh* I thought she'd understand....
I NEEDED her to understand...
I'm...having second thoughts about going to the doctors on Friday...

griddlebone 03-04-2008 12:45 AM

*sits down with duvet* Just need somewhere safe to go.feel free to ignore.x

effervescence 03-04-2008 03:17 AM

ffs!!! alexx i just typed a really long reply to u, and it mysteriously disappeared! ****! in a nutshell - catching smoke - brilliant description. wat ally said about none of us being "them". go to your dr, take a deep breath, close your eyes and tell him all that you have figured out.

alice and liv - welcome.

i saw my counsellor today. she is buying me a pencil and paper cos apparently i need to start drawing to release my emotions. i cant draw anymore tho :(

i also cried a lot. so now i have a massive headache just in time for my chemistry lecture. yay.

Detour. Derail 03-04-2008 04:14 AM


Originally Posted by effervescence (Post 670445)
ffs!!! alexx i just typed a really long reply to u, and it mysteriously disappeared! ****! in a nutshell - catching smoke - brilliant description. wat ally said about none of us being "them". go to your dr, take a deep breath, close your eyes and tell him all that you have figured out.

I welllll thought you were annoyed at ME then....I got all panicky....but its not my fault...(points to my CURRENT mood....paranoid :pinch:)

Ahhh :/...
I hope I can explain to him..PROPERLY though...I have a bad habit of panicking and skimming over everything...making it seem Not-So-Bad...
when actually its AWFUL!!

*hugs for you because of your headache*
Dont worry...i cant draw either...
but sometimes...it really helps just to scribble on paper...
masses and masses of scribbles...
or stick people...
I draw them lots :)
it doesnt have to be a work of art sweety ^_^ *hugs again*

i SHOULD go to bed....its 4:14am....
and I MIGHT go shopping tomorrow...
seeing as I've had my Best mate stolen off me when I kinda need her ><

*leaves lots of hugs and hot drinks and warm blankets*
Night guys

effervescence 03-04-2008 04:32 AM

night night. hope you sleep well x

Pomegranate 03-04-2008 09:00 AM

*throws self into corner to try and sleep* - someone wake me please when no longer feel sick and dizzy with tired? About three days should be fine

MammaMia 03-04-2008 12:23 PM

Heeey guys.

Sorry for this disappearance, my net had bloody broken down and it's to do with the company's side *sobs*

So I won't be on here much more and boy am I struggling.. (see my thread if u wanna know!!!)

Pomegranate 03-04-2008 03:55 PM

Oh God, I just found a bottle of diazepam in my dads medicine cabinet.

I want it. But he would know it was gone and that it was me. ****. Why do these ideas come to me?

I was observing a new show today about materials and there was this fictional planet made all out of rubber where apparently people are always happy and you can't hurt yourself. Then on the glass one some kid put their hand up and said it was a bad planet because the glass could break and you could cut yourself. I KNOW these are tiny trivial comments but I just felt like some how everyone knew and was trying to take the piss. Logically I know they weren't but the thought just won't go away, it's stupid.

What the hell? Seriously...why don't I think or see things normally? Why does a bottle of tablets make me want to take them. They aren't even mine FFS!

Detour. Derail 03-04-2008 05:39 PM

Hiiiiii....Missed yooouuuu!!!

Awww Emma sweety...try stay strong yeh? I know its hard..but you're doing well!!
Please keep fighting?

Awww ****....My mum just saw my 'last' injury(so she thinks) and was asking all sorts and broke down and told her (nearly) everything...
about the hospital, meds, the doctors, the voice, CBT, psychiatrists, harming, the disattachment...

i feel so shitty now :(
She wants to help...but she'll make it worse....

*hugs for everyone*

Pomegranate 03-04-2008 07:31 PM

*hugs you Alexx, thanks hun* Is there no way you could give her a chance? There is always a chance she may be another source of support. Hope you are alright xx

hey Helen, hope you are alright hun. I know it's hard but like Alexx said you are doing soooo well. I wish you could see that. Stay strong x

*hugs everyone else that needs one* xxx

Sugar and Spice 03-04-2008 07:38 PM

*hugs all those in need*

Emma, stay strong. You can fight these urges. I know it's difficult, but you can do it hun.

Alexx, as Emma said, give your mum a chance. She loves you and maybe she can help you. It's never easy when family find out about these things, but they can surprise us sometimes with their efforts to help.

I'm not doing so good either. Wish I could cut. I want it so much that I'm almost having to restrain myself from walking out the door and popping to the local shop in serach of some new blades. I miss it all soo much...

Pomegranate 03-04-2008 08:44 PM

*hugs you Carole* Thanks hun. Sorry you are struggling at the moment.

Sugar and Spice 03-04-2008 08:49 PM

Thanks hun *hugs*

Sadly too many of us are struggling

*offers warm drinks, biscuits and blankets round*

Detour. Derail 03-04-2008 09:14 PM

I cant give her a chance...
Last time she found out...
she went out..got drunk, rifled through ALL my things...hid ANYTHING sharp...
Tried making me strip down to my underwear so she could search for cuts and threatened to kick me out and stick me in a care home or "nut house"

So...my confidence in her...is kinda bruised...

Sugar and Spice 03-04-2008 09:21 PM

*hugs Alexx*

I'm sorry to hear that. But it does show that she cares, at least try to appreciate that.

Detour. Derail 03-04-2008 09:40 PM

i dont know how to handle her when shes overly nice though..
im used to her being horrible and abusive

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