[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhN7SG-H-3k[/ame]

I hope your hectic weekend goes well and you get a bit of real happiness over the weekend, Mark.
And I agree it was epic April.
Yeah I get that Mark.
*sorry for the impersonal feel of this post but its the best I can do and I really wanted to reply.
*hugs everyone and hides*

Hey guys, I so need to do a journal entry but I'm scared to let the thoughts out. Its like I'm not as sane as I'm meant to be. Thats more why I've not been in here recently, because here I know I can tell the truth and not be judged, but I'm scared to admit it. I'm not irrational and having random thoughts like with the PMDD, thats all under control, but my ED has got worse and just a general feeling of dread and being low. So as Mark says I put on a happy mask. I've just got to hold out til Eoghan deploys to afghan and then I can go to the doctors for some more help, but I need him to believe that I'm ok, that I'm stronger than before. Gosh, I've started waffling sorry....

Oh and feeling extra **** as a friend of ours was killed by a suicide bomber in afghan this morning. He leaves behind his wife and baby daughter who isn't even 1 yet. Why do bad things always happen to good people?!

*cuddles Hayley* I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope when Eoghan deploys that he stays safe. My brother in law is headed over there in a few weeks too. I totally understand wanting him to be safe by not worrying about you.
We're here if you ever want to let anything out so you don't have to hold it all in. How long until Eoghan deploys/you get to go see your doctor? *extra cuddles for you and your friend's family*

*hugs crimson* I'm sorry that you are feeling so crappy. Thanks for trying to keep replying. Let us know if we can do anything. O by the way, that piano song is very pretty.

*hugs mark* happy masks can be so draining. Sorry that you have to put one up for so long. And yes, sometimes I feel guilty for being depressed or feeling crappy. Mainly b/c I'll feel like I have no real reason to feel like this in comparison to others and that I might bring other people down with my thoughts. But you should not feel guilty (and neither should I for that matter). It is not your fault that you feel like this.

*hugs april* good luck with your cat and the vet. and I agree, that response was awesome of you! So long lol.
I um... did not stay safe. *points to r/v thread* (http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...58#post2381758) I won't put anything in here since it could be kinda triggering. But there is a little bit in the thread. It's okay if you don't want to read.

*hugs jill* hope you managed to stay safe hun. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

*hugs helen* I hope your anxiety went down at least a little bit. Hope you are okay today.

*hugs kahlia* you are NOT a failure hun. I'm sorry that your anxiety is so bad and that not even meds are helping. That sounds so awful. Can you talk to a doctor or something? B/c it seems like the anxiety has been like this for a few days now.

*hugs hayley* i'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I don't know why bad things always seem to happen to good people... I wish i had an explanation for that one. I hope that Eoghan stays safe when he is deployed, and that when you get to see the doctor they are helpful. We are always here if you need to talk about anything. You know that though.

I might just hide away today. Stay in my apartment, not do anything. I didn't even get out of bed until almost noon. I just want to shut down. Arm hurts really bad too. I'm an idiot.

*nods to all* I dunno if I'll keep trying to reply today though. It feels too... not me and cold or vacant when I read them before I post them. At least I'm not crying over every little thing right now though.
I like that one best so far (just found this composer yesterday).

Did my journal entry, not feeling any better for it though, really need a fag now so I need to get reggie in his hutch so that he doesn't do anymore major damage to the carpet whilst I'm out of the room!!

Thanks for the support guys. I've got Eoghan for approx another 3months. I keep trying to enjoy the present and forget about what's up ahead, but when we get news like this it makes it all very real and very scary.

aha! reggie just jumped in his hutch to get some hay - gotcha!!

*pops out to the smoking shelter*

*sprays self with pretty smelling stuff so as to not smell of fags*

I've just realised I've been a really self absorbed wardie....*group huggles!!!!*

Sorry I've not got more than that for you all right now.

lol well you have missed quite a few pages of posts we wouldn't expect you to be all caught up and up to date.

thanks for being understanding, I'm just not feeling up to my previous efforts of catching up when I've read 20 or so pages.

Think I'm going to take my meds early and call it a night. I just want my head to stop having bad thoughts. Tomorrow will be - apart from the 1slip up in may that only you guys in here know about - 1year SI free. Everyone is so proud of me, thinking I'm fixed now, urgh....

*extra huggles for everyone who wants them*
*friendly waves to the other wardies*

*cuddles hayley and throws a ton of confetti in preparation for her 1 year celebration* A year is so awesome hun. I know its hard when people just assume you are fixed because it is not that simple, but you really should celebrate 1 year. I am so proud of you!

*hugs crimson just because I can*

*takes hugs and clings to Laura and Hayley*
can we stop the roller coaster? I want to get off. please?

*cuddles crimson* i'm sorry hun. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better... but everything that is coming to mind sounds stupid or cliche/unhelpful. Here for you though if you need to talk.

i spy laura!! *cuddles* read your r/v and don't have words at the moment, but just *extra special healing cuddles*

i'm a wreck. :'( updated my r/v and uncovered some feelings i never wanted to admit to having... :( ...because it feels/felt weak.

i really want to cut now. cut badly. i don't care what my treatment team thinks, i just want to hurt myself and do so badly. :crying:

*cuddles April*

*extra special hugs april* okay, so i was going to respond to your r/v thread... and it turned out really long... like several paragraphs... so i think i'll just PM it to you instead. Otherwise i feel like I will really be monopolizing the ward lol. On here i will just say. While I know res is a scary thought, you would not be "losing" yourself or coming back a different person. It could help you be less low and more in control though... and that is all good isn't it? Nobody would be "taking away" your illnesses or experiences.

April, Laura, my anxiety did die last night. Well went down a massive lot. It's been away most of the day but it came back a bit this evening.

Wish the suicide thoughts would go away, starting to get scared I'll act on them. Not suicidal as of yet, scared that'll happen. I'm constantly trying to hold things in, I know, not good. But I struggle to open up right now, no idea why....

*offers cuddles to all*

huggles for everyone and really hope all the crappiness goes away. I wish I had a magic wand that made everyone feel better.

*hugs hayley* hang in there my lovely your posts always make me feel like a special breeze has wafted through the room. A year, yay, that's awesome :)

*hugs Kahlia* sorry you're feeling so low, keep fighting, keep fighting, you're not a failure in any way shape or form

*hugs Helen* sometimes we can't open up because we're fighting so hard, don't let it worry you, glad the anxiety dies a bit

*hugs Laura* if you ever feel like talking you know you can here, and you're not an idiot, nope you're not

*hugs Crimson* I hope tomorrow you don't feel so bad

*hugs april* I hope you didn't cut hun, stay safe *cuddles*

*hugs Mark* I hope the happy face doesn't drain you too much, remember you can always tell the truth here. You're PHYSOSTEGIA - plants usually flop if they've (a) had too much water (b) had too little water. If you've got it in direct sunlight which apparently they like then it probably needs more water in this weather. Also if it's potted have you been feeding it with plant food like babybio every two weeks, would probably do it good

*hugs Jessica* and how are you?

*hugs Jill* you can do this, yes you can

*hugs Heather* hope you are doing ok

*hugs Julie* don't hide *cuddles*

*hugs Kat* how are you today

*hugs JK* hope you are okay too

*hugs Oliver* sorry I can't offer more, all I will say is that I'm sure that being there for her is helping her more than you will ever know.

*hugs Nicole**hugs Louise**hugs Lia**hugs Lindsay*

and I'm so sorry if I've forgotten you but I send you hugs anyway

I'm okay, tired, need to go to bed.

I ordered some camouflage cream from Amazon but I had to put it on my credit card which I share with my mum because mine is maxed out due to having to pay for my car to be fixed and I needed it to arrive before Wednesday and she's always so nosey, I wonder if I can get away with saying "oh it's just something for the wedding" - 10 days with my family I'm going to feel so unpretty. I really would cut before I go just to keep me going but I can't because it would be too obvious and my sensible head is still loudest. That and I'm supposed to be trying to live with wanting to but not giving in, if that makes sense.

I feel fat and unpretty :(

thanks laura, mark April Wildy insane, I'm manging to stay safe so far. This is going to sound stupid. Erm I keep having this weird dream,in this dream I do what I want to do to myself. And it works and I can feel myself slip away, and for the first time I feel peacefull, im in no pain everthings okay. Then I wake up and relied it was just a dream and I'm still here. Sorry just had enough, and I can't keep these thoughts at bay I want to act on them, just can't if that makes sence

It doesn't sounds stupid at all, but the dream isn't real and the thoughts are lies, and I'm glad you can't act on them because it means you still want to live even if you don't think you do, you are still fighting, you can keep fighting, ignoring those lies you can be at peace and happy and without pain in real life, no other way. Dreams are interesting, you feel peaceful and without pain in your dream, maybe that's you're body's way of giving you a break, to give you strength to carry on fighting? take care, stay safe