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shadowedsoul 10-07-2010 12:28 PM

Argh!!!! I really need to stop getting so wound up over sweet nothing, need to chill out before I get into more crap. =/

Scarletdreamer 10-07-2010 01:07 PM

Sorry no individual replies at the moment... I feel so selfish for not... but... oh, I don't know. Jarrod & I talked more about the Air Force last night & it seems more doable now that I know that (probably?) for advanced training I could live with him on the base. At least, that's what it seemed to indicate on their website... not positive though. Crimson, do you have any illumination on this? :-S Because I really don't want to be living on my own for weeks/months on end... I don't think I'd do too well. Anyway. :-/

It was another late night. We were up until 10:30pm - I know, not late for a lot of you, but for someone who WAS used to going to bed at 7pm (when we were first married, due to Jarrod having to do so much overtime), then 8pm... it's late. Lol. I'm still not used to it... and probably never will be. Guhhhh. :( I feel kinda low now and I'm not sure what to do about it... I guess nothing?? Fill out res apps? and make myself feel even worse? I don't know. :(

Sorry for blathering about me for so long... oh and Mark, I think the movie is "Pocahontas"? Not sure though...

*hides in a hole*

Scarletdreamer 10-07-2010 01:52 PM

updated my r/v... :-S

I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 03:06 PM

OK, selfish moment from yesterday over. Sorry. I'm really sorry. I was a cow to one of my friends as well. She got annoyed about something and swore at me so I had a go back and told her as hard as it was to believe I'm a person and that I wished people would stop getting at me all the time. But she's right to, they're all right to. My mum's got the right idea about me. Anyway. So basically, yeah, I'm sorry.

April- I don't know what else to say. I feel pretty hopeless. There's no a lot TO say. The Air Force is better than the army, less risks than the front line, that's something I guess and there's no garantees that he will get in yet. He might not. They are rather picky. I don't know what else to do except climb into that hole with you and give you some tea, which is my answer to everything. Oh, and I read your R/V I know what you mean about not knowing how you feel, I get that a lot and it's dead confusing. You know you're not great, but you kind of don't know what and don't know what the negative feelings are. You just know they're there. Just telling you that so you know I understand and you're not nuts or anything. Mind, being as sane as I am is no comfort whatsoever.

Jill- What's up sweetie? Breathe. Lol, good advice Lia.

Hey Mark, how are you?

Yes, it is 'Pocahontas' I've never seen it, but I recognise it. Kids' movies are the best, they remind me of a time when life was simple and I didn't know what my mum did was wrong and everything was oh so happy. But I don't think it was though, that's just the picture I have in my mind. I wasn't happy even then.

How's everyone else?

*Leaves ar of hugs*


I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 03:48 PM

Anyone around? I'm bored and tired, despite the fact I actually got a decent night's sleep last night.


Doikers 10-07-2010 04:04 PM

* spots Lia and Hugs*

I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 04:05 PM

Hey Mark, how's things? Sorry about yeserday. Selfish moment.


Doikers 10-07-2010 04:12 PM

Hey Lia , that wasn't selfish at all , we all need to get stuff out sometimes , otherwise we bottle it all up and thats not good.
I'm haveing an issue with a wound and am constantly tired despite not getting out of bed till late and then napping .Heh.

Hows thing with you ?

I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 04:16 PM

Maybe you're over sleeping,, that can make you tired as well- if you sleep too much. I know it's not good to bottle things, but that doesn't stop me doing it, I hated myself so much after yesterday's rant, I won't be doing it again in a hurry. Back to being my normal self now with the pretty mask.

Is it infected? Make sure you clean it properly and change the dressing reguarly. Sorry I'm not more help, but I'm no medic, although I have been working at a vets all week.


Doikers 10-07-2010 04:20 PM

It's dressed up and not obviously infected , It doesn't want to stop bl**ding though , although not a lot sorry I hope thats not too triggery

I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 04:24 PM

Dw, it's not. I can't remember where I put my blades anyway, so even if I wanted to cut...there's on in the back of my phone, but where my phone is is another matter altogether. Try squeezing it, or holding a wet paper towel to it. That sometimes helps with the bleeding. When did you do this? What is it that triggered you to cut? You don't have to answer, just if it would help to get it out.


I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 04:30 PM

Hello guest viewing this thread, you can't reply, but I hope you're ok.

Doikers 10-07-2010 04:31 PM

I was just VERY triggered last night, very angry at myself, no ONE thing triggered me , lots of little things mounted up , I think the wound is about 24 hours now , well almost , sorry my replies are taking so long , downloading a patch and my P.C. is slow because of it :)

I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 04:52 PM

Lol, dw, I'm reading now so mine are likely to be a little slow too. Sorry we weren't able to help you last night when you were triggered. Why were you angry at yourself? You've done nothing wrong.

Oh, is April your actual sister btw, or your 'sister'? I've always wondered.


Doikers 10-07-2010 05:08 PM

I don't know Lia , I just HATE myself sometimes and have been very low for quite a while , I have Chronic Depression which is no fun.
April is my RYL sister . but I care about her a lot :)

I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 05:18 PM

Sorry. I'lll stop questioning you now.

I do to. Hate myself that is. People think I can be big headed at time, but it's all an act. I hate myself so much I can't even open up on here because I don't deserve the support. Everyone else matters so much more than me and I hate to hear myself whine, so I don't. I keep it in because I don't deserve any sympathy or support. It's selfish of me to ask for it, especailly when everyone else is struggling so much. I wanted to cut myself yesterday because of my rant, the only thing that stopped me is because someone asked me not to. I don't even know her, we're email buddies, but only for about two weeks. But for once, I was going to do something right by someone else and not be so blody selfish.

Sigh, another selfish rant. Oh well, at least it was all down grading and not whiney.

Do you know April outside of RYL then, or did you just meet on here? Sorry, I know I said no questions, but at least this isn't a heavy one. A nice light subject. I think.


CrazyHayley 10-07-2010 05:25 PM

I spy a Lia, Oliver and Mark!
*runs over to and tackles them all into a group hug!*
*picks them up and dusts them down*
*gives all other wardies hiding and dotted around appropriate tlc packages for when they have time to open them*

well I saw the doctor about crutches, pain meds, back problems etc. Trying a new (well old really cos I used to be on it) painnkiller, good old tramadol. Pain has been lessend but oh my goodness I'm so dopey!

May be back on here later depending on dopiness, just wanted you to know that I'm ok(ish), safe and all. bleurgh, brain so slow, fingers moving slowly...

I did a PM to April (I said I would about my ED) and it took 45mins to type, lol now my brain and fingers are even slower.

I should shut up now and go and lie down with reggie.

Thinking of you all - in a spaced out way!

Doikers 10-07-2010 05:28 PM

Lia , You deserve as much support as everyone else , It's good that you didn't cut yesterday for whatever reason you have , for someone else is better than cutting. You're not selfish , not at all *Hugs*

I Met April on here , but I know her all over the net , sadly due to geography not met in person .

shadowedsoul 10-07-2010 06:18 PM

Hmm I feel extremely low tonight, really stuiped thoughts running through my head, really want to act on them. really don't care tonight.

I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 06:30 PM

Mark, thanks, but I don't. I really don't. *Returns hugs.*

Hey Haley, glad that you're not too bad at the moment, even if you are a little out of it on drugs. Maybe it's better not to be able to think straight.

*Hugs Jill gently* what's wrong sweet?


Scarletdreamer 10-07-2010 06:48 PM

Lia, sweet, you really really do deserve the support that we can give. I understand - somewhat - that it's your self hatred & life of abuse speaking here, but you are worthwhile. And you are a good person. You wouldn't support others if you weren't, especially since you aren't really looking to get anything from it. I'm so glad that I've met you and that you've opened up some... that was huge of you, it really was. *hugs gently* And I'm glad that you didn't cut, and as Mark said, even if it were just so you wouldn't hurt someone else, that's still an okay reason not to hurt yourself. *extra hugs* Oh and yep, I'm not Mark's real sister but we do know each other all over the 'net, after meeting here first. :)

*cuddles Mark* How are you doing, love? Has your wound stopped bleeding yet? :( I'm sorry that you're having trouble with it... how have things been lately? Sorry I didn't comment on your last LJ entry... and I need to read your r/v, will in a bit. Just didn't feel up to it when you posted, sorry. :-S

*cuddles Hayley* I will try to reply to your PM shortly. :) Be warned, I SUCK at replying to PMs, although I do try... but thank you very much for putting forth such effort!! :) It meant a lot that you cared enough to do so. You are amazing - as is everyone else (and yes, I do mean EVERYONE) in here.

I'm still really nervous about the future, but not as much yet... I don't know, perhaps God is helping calm me down, who knows... But in any case, I'm actually kind of excited about Jarrod going into the Air Force, I don't know, does that make any sense? I guess you could definitely say that yeah, I'm conflicted. Hah. :-X Dumb me.

Anyway... um, I just took a 2 hour long nap... while Jarrod powerleveled my toons on WoW. Whoops!! I usually try and at least keep him company... but I am sooo close to having my mage be level 60 - she's 59 now - and I can't wait until she's 60. :D Oh and Crimson - sorry I didn't answer this sooner, but yeh, if they're still the right levels, I can run your toons through BFD sometime, although I don't know my way around it (lol) - have only been through it once or twice, if we're on at the same time. Or if not, I can do SM - not very fast as I'm not sure how much health my main has as a tank, not too high I do know that!! simply because I've not invested in filling out her tanking spec. Anyway. :) Sorry I didn't answer you sooner on that, it was completely accidental. But my mage got TWO EPICS from Scholomance (the dungeon that Jarrod's using as a powerleveling place)... that means that they are truly awesome pieces of gear... I'm so excited. They're gear that the BoA leveling gear was modeled after. :D Sorry, I know I'm a nerd... :-X

I'll shut up now...

I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 07:36 PM

Glad you seem to be ok at the moment April, it must be catching because I am randomly happy! Mind, with my weird mood swing that probably means I will be as depressed as anything in about ten minutes, but let's enjoy this for now.

I spy Helen! How are you sweet?

Thanks April, I'll try to believe you and Mark, but it's hard. I just think that my mum has the right idea about me. You don't know me, you don't know what I can be like, how pathetic I am. I don't show my emotions much, if you saw inside my head, you would hate me too.


I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 07:39 PM

Grr, sorry about posting the same thing twice, I thought it hadn't done it first time.

Doikers 10-07-2010 07:50 PM

Lia , oops My computer went off then on then off then on and cycled like that for a bit so I didn't mean to abandon you *Hugs*

April My wound is still bound tights under a dressing and tape to add pressure , I hope it's stoped bl**ding but I check when I next change the dressing before bed *Hugs*

*Hugs Jill*

Scarletdreamer 10-07-2010 08:00 PM

Lia, sweetie, I believe that you are a good person... someone who IRL is a bitch (pardon the language, hah) wouldn't care so much for people on here, especially - as I said before - without expecting anything in return. You don't know me IRL either... what's to say that I'm not a bitch? And what you call "pathetic" probably just means that you need support/help and can't get it... and that's not pathetic. Not at all. It just means that you're struggling a lot. I wish that we could help you more. :( It makes me sad that I can't do more for everyone in here...

Mark, I'm glad that you've got the wound bound up tight. :) That's wise of you. *hugs* Oh, and have you got WoW straightened out yet? because (as I mentioned in my reply to your LJ comment) Jarrod probably could help. He's pretty clever with computers & WoW (not that you aren't!! please don't think that you're not, it just takes awhile to learn the ins & outs of WoW etc.).

I'm meh right now. Planning on going to my parents' sometime today to see Daniel (our cat who is staying there, as our apartment STILL has fleas!! after 2 bug-bombings) and drop off his "favorite" kind of litter (the stuff he's used to). I don't know, though... although it would feel nice to be in a/c for a bit. Hah. :-X And Jarrod probably wouldn't be coming which means I would need to be awake enough to drive... guhhh... :-X

I feel so blah. *sigh*

shadowedsoul 10-07-2010 08:00 PM

Hmm nevermind that was a load of bullcrap. =(

SoMuchMore 10-07-2010 08:07 PM

*hugs everyone*

I'mJustMe 10-07-2010 08:22 PM

Jill, we are all here for you and you can open up to us and tell us things. You don't have to keep it all bottled up. It wasn't a load of crap if it's affecting you. *Hugs*

Wow, I felt like the biggest hypocrite ever the whole time I was typing that.

Hey Laura. How are you?

Mark- Don't worry. I disappeard too. I went to the shop for the mother and then for dinner, so I haven't been around for a while. Good that you're looking after your cuts. How are you now?

April- I know what you're saying has a point, but my life isn't half as bad as loads of people on here and it makes me feel so pathetic. People have been through so much worse and I have no right to come here and ask for support when others need and deserve it so much more, savvy? Glad you're still sort of ok, even if not completly woo! I'm not as happy as I was before, but I've not gone into ultra depression either, so that's bang tidy.

How's everyone else?


Doikers 10-07-2010 08:48 PM

Despite being a bit down , having eaten a bowl of cereal I didn't need *Beats self up* I Eat when I'm low eat,sleep,cut the only things I know how to do well *Sigh*
oooh and Lia you get the prize for using the word savvy in conversation :)

shadowedsoul 10-07-2010 08:53 PM

hmm just a hole load of stuff pileing on top of me, more and more stuff keeps getting added, I feel like I'm being dragged under. It's okay tho not sure I care anymore. Sorry I'm not explaining better that the best I can do right now. * *curls up in corner and trys to sleep*

Doikers 10-07-2010 09:05 PM

*Hands Jill a Pillow and Blanket*

Ohh good it's stopped bl**ding , my wound , it doesn't look too bad , I don't know how I feel about that , I kinda beleive I DESERVE a Scar , but I hate them , My mind is confusing itself hmmm.........

wolfos3d 10-07-2010 09:15 PM

*waves at people* I am so tired. My insomnia is back. I had one almost sleepless night now followed by one completely sleepless night. How horrible of an existance do you have when you can't even pass out drunk? *sigh* It's my last day off too so now I'm going to be too stubborn to sleep until tonight. I'm going to attempt to make the most of it. I'll be going out to watch the sun rise in about an hour twenty.

Doikers 10-07-2010 09:57 PM

*Makes Soothing noises so Jessica can sleep , whoosh , whoosh* I'm sorry that must SUCK beyond all beleif .

I think I finally got WoW to download all its patches and is working now so I have that back as a distraction :)

Kahlia1981 10-07-2010 10:37 PM

*huggles/waves at all wardies*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies - I do have to say this:

Hayley: Be careful with Tramal/Tramadol (sorry about the spelling) if you have a psychiatric illness. The drug is well known to trigger psych illnesses. That's not just coming from my and my housemate's personal experience, that's coming from a leading psychiatrist who has treated many patients. However, I do hope you find a solution to your pain dilemma. I haven't yet - and neither has my housemate. Good luck.

Scarletdreamer 10-07-2010 11:33 PM

*hides in a hole in the warren & doesn't want to come out*


wolfos3d 10-07-2010 11:44 PM


Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2395378)
*Makes Soothing noises so Jessica can sleep , whoosh , whoosh* I'm sorry that must SUCK beyond all beleif .

I think I finally got WoW to download all its patches and is working now so I have that back as a distraction :)

Oh it does. I also got annoyed by noises from my housemate and his girlfriend. The only way I can describe it is "two cats breeding" and the only reasons I can describe it as that is because I honestly thought that was what I was hearing to start with. And they are still awake now. I thought I'd be lucky enough to find them unconcious after my outing.

I jogged/walked down to the park and layed/leaned in a tree on my jacket with my sweatshirt tied around my waist. It was nice to actually get to have my arms out in the open for the first time in weeks. I think I was the happiest I've been in weeks while I was standing in that tree too.

And it's good that you finally got WoW working. I ended up making a Blood Elf Paladin the other night when I was feeling really down and urgy. I gave him the girliest name that I could think of that wasn't taken and spent the evening calling him Twattycakes and just generally insulting him. I suppose it was just nice to have something other then me to belittle for a change. xD I got him to level 5 before I decided to go to bed. As of this morning, he's level 7.

*cuddles April*

Scarletdreamer 10-07-2010 11:49 PM

*cuddles Jess back*

updated r/v... if anyone cares. sometimes it feels like they don't... and they shouldn't, i'm worthless and stupid and annoying.

wolfos3d 10-07-2010 11:59 PM


Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2395539)
*cuddles Jess back*

updated r/v... if anyone cares. sometimes it feels like they don't... and they shouldn't, i'm worthless and stupid and annoying.

You are not any of those things. Hang in there, okay? We all have to, as hard as it is sometimes. And if I ever figure it out for myself I will write the manual just for you to read because you do NOT deserve it at all.

shadowedsoul 11-07-2010 12:11 AM

Hugs April, you are no way shape or form any of those things, no way.keep fighting Hun. Huggles

frenchhorn 11-07-2010 12:14 AM

*wonders in slowly*
I'm really sorry I havn't been posting for a while, been in here reading, but just havnt been upto posting, I'm really sorry, I feel really bad for abandoning you guys, sorry so many of you are not doing so good at the moment, remember you are brave, strong amazing people who can get through this and I mean that about every single one of you.

sorry there are no individual replies, I will do them when I can.

Bit messed up at the moment, had a bad flashback and also disosociated and my gf thinks I was also hallucinating and says I need to tell my doctor and counsellor about them. Thye normally don't get as bad as tonight because usually I cut to get myself out of them, but I wasn't doing that with my gf there, so it got really bad, I don't remember a lot of what happened, but she took me for a walk outside and eventually it went away, but then she had to go to bed and I ended up cutting because I was scared it would come back because every other time it has happened I always cut.
Feel pathetic, and am scared to shut my eyes in case they come back and am listening to music so I can't hear them if they come back.

*goes around giving everyone cuddles, or waves at those who don't like cuddles, introduces himself to anyone who is new then hides in a corner*

SoMuchMore 11-07-2010 12:28 AM

*hugs oliver* i'm sorry to hear about the flashback.. that doesnt sound pleasant at all. You are not pathetic in the least.

*hugs april* you are definitely not useless.

*hugs lia* you don't have to be sorry about yesterday. It was good to get that out I think. Locking one's emotions up doesn't usually do much good. Btw, you are great in the ward, always replying to people and whatnot!

*hugs jess* I'm sorry your insomnia is so bad. Glad to hear you had a nice time while having your arms out. Maybe keep doing things like that, sometimes it really is the little things.

*hugs hayley, kahlia, jill, mark, helen, and everyone else*

sorry i didnt reply individually to everyone. keep running out of steam. I'm reading though, just having a hard time living and feeling like my replies would be **** anyway.
*goes away*

MammaMia 11-07-2010 12:30 AM

*hugs everyone else*

Really struggling.
Sorry for being so useless to all and no individual replies.

Scarletdreamer 11-07-2010 01:00 AM

Hels, sweetie, you're not useless. Not at all. *cuddles* What's up??

Laura, I'm sure your replies wouldn't be **** but if you need to focus on just living and making it through your daily life that's fine... sometimes it can be such a struggle - glad to hear that you're still reading though. :) Update us when you can on how you're doing. ♥

Sorry for my last post... :-S ...but thanks to all who replied to it.

wildly insane 11-07-2010 01:08 AM

*hugs everybody* would love to do individual replies but sorry, I'm pathetic and useless. sorry I haven't been around for a few days, I've been reading but unable to respond - sorry again.

I'm off to the Emirates tomorrow for my brother's wedding lots of time with my family, not much time to myself, and huge social occasions where I know hardly anybody. I'm really looking forward to it, but it's not going to be easy and with my urges getting worse and worse, I just have to keep control, but it is my only brother's wedding and it is exciting.

But yeah sorry cos again I wont be around much over the next fortnight and although that probably doesn't mean much to most I do like to offer my support and to say keep fighting because you deserve to be happy and honestly there is no way of knowing what is around the next corner, hope is an amazing thing and we fight because it is still there in all of us even when we are despairing most, because we have not yet given up, please keep fighting, because you are worth it.

I want to cut :(

Scarletdreamer 11-07-2010 01:25 AM

Do try & enjoy yourself, Hannah, love. :) I'm sorry that you feel useless etc., a lot of us do I think, and it's not true for any of us. Is there any particular reason you want to cut?? Sorry for the crap reply... *cuddles gently*

Kahlia1981 11-07-2010 01:31 AM

*huggles all*

really stressed/anxious at the moment. stupid v8s are two/three blocks away. can't relax. freaking out all the time. my housemate just painted (first coat) where the broken dryer was and i helped but i feel like poop. guess that's cause that's what i am. just a broken doll.

SoMuchMore 11-07-2010 01:31 AM

*cuddles helen* i'm sorry your struggling so much tonight. PM me if you need/want to.

*hugs april* you don't need to be sorry. Its okay

*hugs hannah* its okay that you haven't been around. We understand. I've missed seeing you around though. Have fun at the wedding. Hope that the urges dont get too bad.

*cuddles kahlia* you are not "poop" or worthless/useless. Im sorry that the anxiety isnt getting any better. Wish there was something we/I could do to help.

I'm sorry to hear that so many of us are struggling right now. Hang in there. We can make it through all of this.

SoMuchMore 11-07-2010 06:52 AM

hm.. i feel like i killed the conversation earlier in here. i'm sorry.

irrational i know... but feeling like its my fault anyway.

xxjuliexx 11-07-2010 07:15 AM

*curls up in a corner* daddy hate me:notsure: :crying: :crying: :crying: :Emoticon(14): :Emoticon(14):
i just wanna go eat bad food :burger: :burger:

risenfromperdition 11-07-2010 07:37 AM

NONE of you are useless. kthx :P
... saaays me :P

oliver- sorry bout the flashback- that sounds horrid =[ your girlfriend sounds really supportive tho :)

im a bit eugh atm, but will try to do more ind replies tomorrow

dr who's on in 20 =]

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