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Doikers 29-06-2010 04:48 PM

*hugs Jill* I feel ok , I'm not utter crap for the first time in weeks and its thrown me , I don't know what to do with myself . Anyone been down for so long they're lost without it ?? make sense?

Scarletdreamer 29-06-2010 05:01 PM

i spy a crimson & a mark!! *glomps*

yeh, mark, i understand what you mean. :) and thanks for the comment in my lj... means a lot to me that you're reading it. *squishes*

i'm so exhausted... and it's only noon here. doing the same thing as yesterday and it's making my eyes cross... ughhh. the auditors are here too so it feels like i have to be very very quiet as i'm in the same room as they are. yuck. don't want to be here... but only one more day & then i'll be DONE!!!! :D

we're working on planning when to do what with the apartment's flea infestation. mothballs, air foggers, trip to the vet's for daniel, and then we'll be going to my parents' for a few days. that will be okay i think. i won't be able to be online as much but at least i won't have the commute to my internship place to worry about!!! :)

urghh... just want to sleep. i had a chai, hot drinks make me sleepy, so that wasn't a good idea. and screw grammar, i'm sick of being perfect with it!! :-X

feeling low and sad today... :(

sorry no individual replies really, just know i'm thinking of you all and praying for those of you who don't mind. *cuddles all who don't mind* ♥

PoisonedApple 29-06-2010 05:45 PM

*glomps april back*
is it friday yet?

SoMuchMore 29-06-2010 06:29 PM

*hugs crimson* I dont want Friday to get here, but for your sake i hope the rest of your week goes by quick.

*hugs april* yay you're almost done! Sorry about the fleas, that really sucks, but at least something is going to get done about it.

*hugs helen, mark, jill, and lia*

My sister called me this morning and sometimes she really really really pisses me off. If you don't compliment every move she makes and give the exact correct responses she is looking for she gets all cold and standoffish and then will randomly say "bye" and hang up. I'm so annoyed right now about it. But if you try to explain that she cannot react like that all the time she goes "no one ever has a kind word for me, i hate my life." Which just makes me even more angry. *sigh* sorry about the mini rant about her, she just hung up on me so im highly annoyed

PoisonedApple 29-06-2010 06:34 PM

*hugs Laura* I totally understand your anger.

*hugs everyone*

one_step_closer 29-06-2010 06:47 PM

I can't do this any more. :(

Doikers 29-06-2010 06:53 PM

Whats up Lindsay ? *Hug*

Doikers 29-06-2010 06:58 PM

I Can't focus still , My day has been hectic but I say down to play WoW and I just can't focus , I REALLY hope my low mood doesen't come back to me tomorow, I 've got the feeling I,m only okay today because I S.I. so yesterday . :S

Scarletdreamer 29-06-2010 08:27 PM

i spy a kat!! *glomps* hehe... how are you, love?

i'm really having a hard time focusing on much of anything... i'm home now, got let off work early, so that made me happy. tomorrow's my last day and we'll see how that goes - woohoo!! :D i'm so excited to be done, it will be fantastic. :) and then... focusing on apps for res. :-X i really really don't want to do that but oh well... :(

i'm exhausted. i just want to sleep... so sick of the bullshit that swirls around in my head. :'(

*hides in a hole after sending cuddles out to everyone who wants them*

Louise 29-06-2010 08:33 PM

*hugs everyone*

katnovia 29-06-2010 08:50 PM

*glomps april* i'm alright *yawns* getting cabin fever! I so have to get out of this house sometime soon. It's not fair, Jack gets all the fun, and the closest I get to time out is a quick half hour domestic shopping trip. How are you lovely?

Doikers 29-06-2010 09:08 PM

Concentration , concentration concentration , where are you ? I feel bad for blowing Hayley off playing WoW.

Hey Kat*HUGS*

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs April* One LAST day woop!

Mark go sleep now . I hope my mood is okay tommorow too but with more FOCUS!!!

PoisonedApple 29-06-2010 09:13 PM

Don't feel bad Mark. Hayley'll understand *hugs*
Yay! Almost there April! *throws confetti*
*hugs everyone*

katnovia 29-06-2010 09:14 PM

*huggles mark* Hey! Hope you have a good sleep Mark. *hands you a freshly baked cal free chocolate chunk cookie and a glass of warm milk*


*huggles crimson* beat me to posting!

PoisonedApple 29-06-2010 09:19 PM

LOL *blows raspberries* gotta do something during my lunch break! Planning a remodel for the house I'm trying to get and surfing RYL is the options that won lol

katnovia 29-06-2010 09:23 PM

I'm surfing RYL and trying to ignore the fact that I just sold my wedding dress.. :(

PoisonedApple 29-06-2010 09:43 PM

Think of it this way... Will you ever wear it again? If not, would someone else? If so, you are blessing someone else. You can always remember it fondly with pictures. :) *hopes that's helpful*

katnovia 29-06-2010 09:50 PM

I guess you're right, i just feel like I did it too soon in one way...in another I know i'm just being histronic! I hate letting anything go and i've been doing really well clearing stuff out to charity shops and ebay, and I guess there's a part of me that wants to cling on to something useless.. and the fond memories.

PoisonedApple 29-06-2010 09:59 PM

I'm the same way. I'm slowly getting better though. I've been decluttering 28 years of stuff for over a year now. Some of it I still haven't convinced myself to let go of even though I haven't even seen it for more than 2 minutes in over a yr. Other things I just need to take pictures of them and that suffices. Still other times I just ask myself if I need it or love it and toss it in the donation bag.

katnovia 29-06-2010 10:14 PM

I know that one, it's the boxes and bags of complete random junk that's filling our loft I need to do, and I have no attachment really to any of it, i just don't want to get rid of it, it's silly.

PoisonedApple 29-06-2010 10:17 PM

Someone once told me I fill the emotional holes in my heart with possessions. >.>

katnovia 29-06-2010 10:21 PM

hah. that smacks as so true to me! ouchies, I have such a headache, doing so much switching. Jess is talking on another board, 'miel and sarah are trying to keep shadow under control, and the littles are flying out occasionally to winge about things I should have kept.

Scarletdreamer 29-06-2010 10:34 PM

i'm falling apart... per usual.
it hurts so much to smile... per usual.
i want to cut... per usual.

i don't even really want to play wow. i just want to sleep. i'm slipping into a deeper depression than i care for (well, i don't care for any depression, but it's been years since i've been truly happy... almost half my life ago). i don't know what to do about it. the pastor that married us, whom i've been emailing since 2006, has said that i need to do "whatever it takes" to get better... including being willing to go into the hospital now if that's what i need. :'( i don't think i need that though... i need therapy. i need res. guuhhhh.... :'(

*hides in the warren and cries there, because she can't cry irl*

PoisonedApple 29-06-2010 10:34 PM

Honestly though getting rid of stuff and not being overwhelmed by my own clutter is making me feel better all in all. Once we buy this house and fix it up though I refuse to take and unpack things I don't either need or love with few exceptions. We haven't decided if we're going to have another child or not so I have some stuff I kept just in case. Gotta get around to going through the kids school stuff too. I home school so we have whole books, art projects, science projects and papers. lol We'll get there though. :)

PoisonedApple 29-06-2010 10:43 PM

*finds April and cuddles her*

shadowedsoul 29-06-2010 10:49 PM

Hmm still feeling low, kicking myself for not going to work today. I'm so weak and pathetic. I hate myself so much, need to get away argh!!!

xxjuliexx 29-06-2010 11:02 PM

*sits yawning*

PoisonedApple 30-06-2010 12:48 AM

*pokes head in* no one's been around for almost 2 hrs now,eh? hmmm... *goes for a walk in the garden*
I've gotten a ton of work done today me thinks (not that it's looked like it) but now I'm worn out with another 45 min to go before walking to the transit center and taking the bus home.

Kahlia1981 30-06-2010 12:54 AM

*huggles/wave at all wardies*

anxiety is still high this morning. just walking out onto the balcony is setting me off. debating whether to wake up my housemate. on one hand he'll be upset if i don't. on the other i don't know how to explain to him ... even though he helped me through yesterday.

just wish i knew what to do . . .

shadowedsoul 30-06-2010 01:11 AM

*curls up in corner* damn it's 1am I'm wide awake again great,got way to many thoughts running through my head, all really stuiped. Freaking out about work again hell knows why. I'm getting pissed off with this now can somebody make it go away please. =[

frenchhorn 30-06-2010 01:12 AM

*gives out lots of cuddles to all who can accept*

I'm falling apart, can't cope, this has been one bloody stressful day, just don't need it right now.
Can't do it, just want to die, cant deal with the responsibility, pressure and looking after and supporting others, just can't anymore, sorry.

*hides*

jonikd 30-06-2010 07:21 AM

*hugs everyone really tight* [apart from those who don't want me to]

*cuddles Oliver, hang in there sweetie*

*holds April* believe in yourself babe, one day at a time [my standard line, but well worth trying I reckon*

*sits quietly in the ward and stays out of harm's way*

SoMuchMore 30-06-2010 08:03 AM

*hugs Oliver* I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly. You can make it through these feelings though. Don't worry if you can't handle supporting right now. Keep talking to us if it'll help.

*hugs April* Just keeping focusing on res. It'll happen if you really need it too, which i think you do.

*hugs Jill* its hard when your head won't shut down. I struggle with this a lot too, especially late at night.

*hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry that your anxiety level is so high. I think you should tell someone if it will help. Glad that your housemate was able to help the other day.

*hugs Amy, Kat, and Crimson*

*hugs JK* One day at a time is good advice. Hang in there hun.

I'm really anxious too right now. Stupid stupid me. Friend is coming over tomorrow night (which i guess is technically tonight now since its 2am) to talk. I'm going to try to be semi-honest I think. Oh.. and my sister called me again tonight b/c my mom was in the background yelling in pain. It was hard to hear. I feel bad for everyone, my mom, sister, dad. They don't know what's wrong though and there isn't much anyone can do.

Doikers 30-06-2010 09:29 AM

*Hugs everyone who can accept them*
*Waves to everyone else*
My mind hasen't yet decided how I feel today , got a SW meeting at 10am hmmm .
Does anyone else simply NOT KNOW how they feel sometimes ? I guess it beats feeling low but I could easily revert to feeling low Hmmmm

Sorry I didn't do any replies I'm waking up

wolfos3d 30-06-2010 09:46 AM

*huggles for everyone*

Kahlia1981 30-06-2010 09:48 AM

*waves/hugs all*

so sick of this anxiety. the xanax is the only thing that is keeping me going and i'm freaking out at everything. noises, movement, things where they should/shouldn't be, anything that happens suddenly, leaving the house, having to walk outside the house, even just sitting outside on the balcony now. everything just seems to set me off. i keep getting shaky when i've had to leave the house, or when i've had a minor/major "freak out". i can't keep living like this but i don't know what to do.

Scarletdreamer 30-06-2010 10:25 AM

guhhhh up at 5am... but i did go to bed/sleep at 7pm, so maybe i won't be utterly exhausted today?

mark, yes, i understand what you mean, once again. :) it can be very confusing not knowing how you feel and having it be able to go either way (to good or to bad). hopefully you'll feel okay again today and your talk with your sw won't trigger you. *cuddles and curls up next to*

kahlia *cuddles* am sorry that you're having such a hard time with anxiety... i am too, actually. it's been pretty bad lately, but probably - as i said awhile ago - because i cut one of my dosages of antianxiety meds in half due to not ordering it on time!! stupid me. :( it still hasn't come either... grrrrr. anyway, sorry, that turned into a talk all about me. :-/ i guess because i'm not really sure what words of encouragement to use... :( *extra special encouraging huggles*

*cuddles jk* thanks, love, for the encouragement... one day at a time is right. maybe even one hour, one minute at a time, depending on the day. :( how are you doing?? haven't heard much about how things've been. ♥

*cuddles laura* i hope that your time with your friend goes well... talking about "stuff" should help some i think... i hope. sorry no other words, i'm really tired right now & just waking up too.

*cuddles jill* i guess i'd say force yourself to do something you don't want to do, and go to work. that's what jarrod's told me about my internship. if i don't want to go, then i go anyway - that's how "real life" works. idk, i don't want to sound cruel or harsh in any way... :-S

*cuddles oliver* what's up, love? please don't give up... talk with us, as someone else said, if it helps.

i'm really tired. shouldn't have gotten up so early but i had a cramp in my calf and nightmares so it wasn't like i was going to be going back to sleep anytime soon. grrrr. i hate nightmares!!! :( they suck beyond all belief. anyway... not sure what to say as i'm not sure how i feel yet - too early to tell, not yet 5:30am - so i will leave off here. just tired for now i guess. and a little low. i have therapy later today... am nervous about that. :-S

Doikers 30-06-2010 12:23 PM

Been to collect my meds , did they inclde my Diazepam? Nope, I'm so pissed off why can't they ever get this right ? , Triggered me to be angry and low , I'm gonna lie down for a bit I need the headspace.

shadowedsoul 30-06-2010 02:23 PM

hugs april, you didnt sound harsh or unkind at all, your completley right. i need to go back to work even if i dont want to. or at least untill i workout how i can get this plan i have to work, i keep hitting bumbs and getting derailed at the sec and it sucks, or someone in my real life points out faults with the plan, and makes me think it will never work. so i guess right now i need to paint a happy face on, and pretend everthings okay. sigh

SoMuchMore 30-06-2010 07:54 PM

*hugs Mark* I'm sorry that they messed up your meds. You seem to have bad luck with this type of thing :-/ Hope that you feel better after laying down for awhile.

*hugs April* Good luck at therapy. Let us know how it goes. Nightmares really do suck. Sorry that you had one last night.

*hugs Jill* Hate to say it but sometimes "painting on a happy face" is the best thing to do in a work situation. I pretend to be functioning really well when I'm at work, its hard sometimes, but it keeps me employed. And work can also be a semi-decent distraction at times if you are busy.. better than my uni work is lol.

*hugs Jess* How r u?

*hugs Kahlia* Im sorry that your anxiety is so bad. Wish there was something I could say to help. Can you tell your psych/GP or some other professional about it?

*sits in the corner quietly and watches for anyone to come around the ward.*
Have to try to get some of my online class done today. Oh goody *sarcasm*

Doikers 30-06-2010 08:00 PM

*Hugs Laura* I've been in bed the most of the day , I just feel so low , feeling okay yesterday was my mind playing a cruel prank on me , now it's back to crap crap crap , it's like it was saying you could feel okay but STOP NO we( My mind) won't let you

How are you Laura ?


*Hugs Jill*

Louise 30-06-2010 08:01 PM

hugs to everyone

SoMuchMore 30-06-2010 08:16 PM

*hugs Mark* It really sucks when you are struggling and all the sudden you feel like things could potentially get better but it barely lasts a moment. That type of thing happens to me all the time. I hate it.

*hugs louise* how r u today?

I'm..... I don't really know. My thoughts are still bouncing around confused. Anxious about talking to one of my friends tonight, worried that my mind will just shut down like it usually does.

Louise 30-06-2010 08:17 PM

i could be better, thank you for asking. how are you

Scarletdreamer 30-06-2010 08:31 PM

i spy a mark!! *glomps*

therapy was okay. we did a mindfulness exercise, same one we did last week, and it was helpful. she thinks it might be a good idea for me to go into hospital until i go to res to help me stop cutting (she obviously has no idea how long the waiting lists can be). guhhh. i was afraid of that. :( i'm not going to hos though, first off because we don't have the money, and secondly, i'm not cutting very badly and it's not out of control. or at least, that's what i tell myself.

but my internship is done!!!!! all i have to do now is write a report to hand in to my faculty supervisor, and post online at the uni website for internships about my last week (that part should be easy). grrr on the report though... :(

but yey for being done!! am so happy about that... now on to cleaning up the apartment and packing away loose stuff so we can bug-bomb the place after daniel's vet's appt. >_< gotta love having fleas. guhhhh, could so do without them... :(

*hides in a hole*

MammaMia 30-06-2010 09:28 PM

*hugs all*

PoisonedApple 30-06-2010 09:32 PM

*sneaks in and hides in a corner*
reality as a way of life is highly overrated.

katnovia 30-06-2010 09:54 PM

dont wanna do this anymore. sick of it. sick of it all. bloody stupid system. why cant it be just me and rosie like before. Why did she have to tell the police. I hate it. I hate her, I BLOODY HATE HER.

Somebody help me die. please.

PoisonedApple 30-06-2010 09:58 PM

*offers Amy a hug*

Scarletdreamer 30-06-2010 10:01 PM

guhhh reality as a way of life is highly overrated. am so ****ing sick of life right now. :'(

and am so anxious, tense all over, feel so stupid. help me die too please?? :'(

:crying:


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