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MammaMia 25-03-2010 03:18 PM

Trying to let my best friends help (aswell as my other friends) but everyone has so much of their own ****. One of best friends replied to my text earlier, that I sent during the night, telling me how need help etc.

BUT I'm not going back through that circle of crap, to be told they can't help/nothing's wrong/broken promises. May aswell just continue to suffer. Meh meh meh MEH MEH MEH!!

borntobleed 25-03-2010 03:54 PM

*huggss everyone in the ward*

im lost in my own head. i see no way out. my memories are fading and all i want is to have them back, silence is killing me and im left alone with the people in my head, and only bad dreams. all i want to do is cut. ive tryed to cry but i cant, im to angry but for no reason.
im scared of myself

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 04:03 PM

I spy a Crimson & a borntobleed (sorry don't know your name!!)!!... how are you guys doing? *cuddles*

Hels, I'm sorry that you are in such a bad place... :( I feel your pain, I really do... what are you thinking about most of the time? if I dare ask that, heh... maybe try to do something to get your mind off of it - whatever "it" is? I don't know, sorry am not of much help right now. *cuddles* Feel free to PM me... I know I didn't/haven't yet respond/ed to your last one but that's my fault not yours... sorry. :(

Borntobleed, I wish that I could sprinkle magic happydust on all of us and make everything better... :( I'm sorry that you're feeling low as well. Are you getting outside help?? *hugs*

I'm still feeling rubbishy but just had some M&Ms so am feeling a little more, erm, chocolatized. Heh. :-/

I emailed my pastor about how bad things are getting and am waiting for a response... am nervous. :( I was 100% honest with him... so I'm scared.

*hides where no one can find her*

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 04:05 PM

ok i feel like i am replying too much now.. so sorry if im getting to be an annoyance.

*hugs kahlia* glad you had a good time!

*hugs april* please dont do anything. Things might get better with time. I know thats hard to picture especially if you have been waiting for years but, u have to keep up hope. Im glad that u emailed ur pastor, hopefully he is some help.

*hugs helen* if your friends want to help though, maybe you should let them... its okay to lean on people, everyone has their own problems i know but that is what they are there for... to support each other.

*hugs borntobleed* I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Try to stay safe. Did anything trigger these feelings?

*goes over to corner and hides for awhile* I'm so stupid sometimes.

borntobleed 25-03-2010 04:20 PM

scarletdreamer:- thankyou i wish that i had magicel happydust id happily o.d on it

fallinstar:- yeah i have been triggered, because i am alone, no one wants to be around me no more, everyone is always angry at me i just want to get away from myself

i feel ditached from myself, like nothing is real like i am so far away from everything. all sounds are to loud and i cant deal with this
sorry for rammbeling

MammaMia 25-03-2010 04:43 PM

I spy a Hayley & Doikers =)

Thanks for the support April & Laura *cuddles*

Am trying to allow people to help me, but they don't seem to be able to help much at the moment. People keep saying I should go back to a&e/my doctors etc. But I really don't want to go through all that stress again :'( Maybe I should. Only way I'll ever get help is if I keep going. Hate mh services >.>

Thinking lot about lot of things I guess April. About self harm, overdosing (I so did not count the amount of painkillers there is in the kitchen), suicide and other bad **** :/ Bleh. I don't even feel like I'm answering the question properly *sighs*

I am having epic fail of today. Haven't done my chores whatsoever. Will get called lazy by my sister. Least I forced myself to finally get washed & dressed not that long ago (it's 4.42pm) so nobody can say anything about that. Keep eating when promised myself I wouldn't today :/ It's too hard :'( :'( Trying to keep safe. I do want to keep safe & really don't. Got to love conflictions (Y)

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 04:49 PM

I swear I only missed an opportunity to get online yesterday but there have been onver 3pages of posts since I was last paying attention! *worries she's lost time!*

Please forgive me for not doing individual replies to all but there were far too many, though some posts stuck out in my mind....

*does a belated 19month SI free dance with Kahlia* oh and as for NSAIDs, have you tried diclofenac or naproxen? Though they don't advise to be on high doses of these for too long as they can cause stomach ulcers! I was on the first one for over 5 years before they realised and I was swiftly taken off it otherwise they said I could be dead by the time I was 30....at the time I was 25 and su so I was like "thats fine with me!" As I'm 29 in a few months and having a sane day today I'm glad they changed me, though last month I had to have an anti ulcer drug which made me feel really nauseus :( But I can't get by without my NSAIDs, so I feel your pain *painrelieving huggles*

*huggles Crimson* thanks for posting 'Dream Big' not the genre of music that I would usually listen to, but the lyrics were uplifting and full of hope :)

*group huggles all else in ward*

*pops out to the smoking shelter*...."puppy sinclair! Walkies!!"

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 04:53 PM

ooh just read my post then wondered....if I'm having such a sane day today then why did I binge earlier?! And why did I then take laxatives?! I may not have cried today or had thoughts of SI or what not, but still....I guess I still have a lot of work to do before I can be 'normal' even on my sane days.....

*ponders whilst goes back out to smoking shelter*

PoisonedApple 25-03-2010 05:10 PM

Hayley~ me either but it was on an blogtalk radio show i was listening to... i liked it.

Yesterday was going so well... then i went home and it all went to ****.i was so pissed off i didn't even get on my computer... i cleaned house. on the upside my laundry is now all the way caught up even though i thought it'd be a few loads off...
hope today goes better but i have to finish cleaning tonight so the landlord can come in tomorrow... i hate when the come in no matter the reason or how clean the place is. i always feel judged...
*huggles laura, heyley, helen, april, kahlia, anyone i missed*

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 05:52 PM

ooh I had a landlady check yesterday, it was the first time I didn't clean before she came round, I was just too poorly with my M.E symptoms. But she was happy enough as it was still clean and tidy for her liking, perhaps I still am quite obsessive compulsive with my cleaning, it just doesn't feel clean enough...but my priorites have changed, as in I'll post on here rather than go do the washing up.....well my alarm is set to go do that at 6.15pm, I've a freind coming over at 7pm and I can't have them see my mess/dirt!
what was I rambling?! Oh yes, landlords, mine always checks in my fridge and makes comments on my eating! bloody cheek!! So I totally understand how you feel Crimson about being judged. But I'm sure we with MH issues kinda feel it worse. Congrats on getting up to date with laundry. I nealry am, I just have handwashing stuff to do. Oh how I dislike handwashing, but I love the clothes!

*huggles Helen* I see you awake in here!

MammaMia 25-03-2010 07:44 PM

*cuddles Hayley lots*

Kahlia1981 25-03-2010 08:28 PM

*hugs everybody*

Hayley - Thanks for the celebratory dance. :D No, I've only been able to have the simple OTC NSAIDs. I've just been put on Tramal/Tramadol. I see my physio today and my GP wants me to see an orthopaedic surgeon. I just don't know what my physio is going to say. :S

I had a really psycho night. I got like 4 hours sleep but I'm up and bouncing. And when I did get up it was fricking freezing. Now it's warming up and I'm thinking about whether to take my jumper off or not! Our weather is seriously bizarre at the moment.

Sorry for the lack of individual replies ... my head's not quite working properly.

*hugs everyone then nicks out to the smoking shelter*

MammaMia 25-03-2010 09:02 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Doikers 25-03-2010 09:29 PM

* Hugs to y'all *

It's been almost a whole day now ( I'm off to bed ) and I did it! first time in 10 ( ten ) conseutive days and I haven't harmed , well I've scar picked a bit but we won't count that ( Should I ?) . So little high fives to everyone:)
I hope I can double my S.I. free time by this time tomorrow :-S

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 10:02 PM

*squishes everyone*

Mark - congrats on making it a day! great job! Keep it up. *throw confetti*

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 10:16 PM

*huggles Helen* thanks for all the cuddles :) is there anything other than huggles I can do to help?

*huggles Kahlia* oooh *jealous face* TRAMADOL!! - I LOVE that stuff! How have you found it?! what doesage have they given you? Is it a kick you in the arse version or the slow release?! I used to have in the kick you in the arse version 30mg 3xday, twas rather amusing sometimes. Then they changed me to 75mg slow release, still quite good fun but not as much, now I have a secret stash of it as they took me off of it as I'd been on it for 5years and apparently its dangerous to be on it for longer than 6months due to addiction and what not. I've moved around so many doctors though, this is how I keep getting to be on my meds for far too long and then they go "ot-oh! that's not good...." but even sometimes when I have that on my really bad pain days it doesn't get rid of all the pain. When I went to the doctors they just told me I'd have to accept that due to my conditions I won't have a pain free life, but that medication can make it more tolerable. I hope that they manage to find a med/dosage that suits you and gives you more quality of life.

*huggles mark* well done for managing the day SI free. I wouldn't count picking a scab unless its a regular form of SH for you. But if you did that rather as a distraction so that you didn't cut I think it was a success! So hopefully on waking you'll feel more positive tomorrow and I think the '15minute game' is a great thing to do. I hadn't heard of that until you mentioned it earlier, but I shall keep it in mind if ever I get to that place again - which will probably be next PMDD cycle. I wonder if I could apply it to my ED too? As in try and put off having a binge for 15mins at a time? Or if I have binged, then try (oh gosh, eek) to put off purging. Yeah definately would be easier to put off a binge rather than put off purging.....

My wii fit evening with my friend went well. My legs are getting stronger which is good. Gonna waffle in my journal now - I'm not too sure what about. I know that I wanted to do an entry earlier but I didn't have time due to my friend coming round. Strange how in a few hours something that seemed so important has now slipped my mind....

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 10:17 PM

*huggles Laura* ooh sorry didn't see you there! *Joins in the confetti throwing!* How are you tonight?

MammaMia 25-03-2010 10:17 PM

Make it stop :'( *curls up*

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 10:28 PM

I feel like proper ****.

My pastor told me to go to the hospital ASAP.
My NP called the campus security on me today as I wasn't answering her texts (was in class).

Today has been a royally bad day.
I don't feel safe. Alone or even with Jarrod here.

Screw this.

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 10:53 PM

*hugs hayley* glad u had a good wii fit night. Its great to feel like ur getting shape.

I'm struggling but ok-ish right now. Looking forward to going to my friends for dinner in a few minutes.

*cuddles helen* I wish i could make it stop for u hun. *wraps in blanket*

*hugs april* do u think u need to go to the hospital? I mean, u dont have to or anything... but... would u be safer there? I would hate for anything to happen to you hun. Keep fighting. I know its hard. *squishes* Maybe talk to ur hubby and see what he thinks u should do.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 10:57 PM

Keep fighting April. Sorry it's been such a bad day *squishes*

Hope you enjoy your friends Laura :)

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 11:01 PM

oh Helen, if I knew how to make it stop, I would. I wish I had a magic wand so that I could stop all the pain and anguish that we all feel. It will stop sometime, I don't know when, I pray for it to be soon. *huggles*

*huggles April* ooh thats crap bout the security being called on you :( Can you not give your NP a copy of your timetable so that they'll know when you're in class. Or set up a system so that you text them just before you go into something where you won't be able to respond, and then text them again when you're available? As for your Pastor telling you to go to the hospital, with the way that you've been feeling, if you told him everything, then his reaction is kind of understandable - I don't mean to upset you, but he'll be erring on the side of caution and he wants you to stay safe, as we all do. Especially as you're now saying you're not even feeling safe with jarrod around. But I do understand what you said earlier about not wanting to go to hospital as you want to see the semester through to its end. I hope that your determination to finish the semester stays with you and helps you through - but don't force yourself beyond what you can cope with right now, don't continue if it really is too much, there is no point getting within a few days of the end of semester and then, well, I won't even type it, but you know what I mean. Like I said to our younger inmate Nicole, education can always wait, its not going anywhere, we need to put our health - our snaity - first. *extra huggles*

Right thats me all waffled out. *group huggles all in ward* night night, sleep tight...or morning morning, have a good 'un!

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 11:02 PM

ooh missed Laura again when I was typing - sorry! *huggles laura extra!* Enjoy your friends.

ok, now I'm off to bed. *toddles off to bed with ted*

SoMuchMore 26-03-2010 05:43 AM

.... and then **** really hits the fan....

found out my ex boyfriend was actually cheating on me for awhile now.... He has manipulated and lied to everyone... u would think after 4 years he would respect me more... I hate him.

Kahlia1981 26-03-2010 08:21 AM

*huggles everyone*

My house-mate had to go to hospital again today with chest pains. I'm feeling really guilty because I didn't go with him. My mood is down and I'm feeling really urgy - both towards SI and su. *sigh* Really, really hoping this will pass quickly.

*hugs everyone then disappears into a dark corner to sit, rock and cry*

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 09:43 AM

Hayley, what you said makes sense... and I have gotten to the place where I was just a few days away from the semester being over & had to take a medical withdrawal from the whole damn semester, but that was in spring 2006, four years ago, and I would hope that I've made some progress since then... I REALLY hope that I have. Especially as I am in senior sem and will have to give this hugeish presentation at the end of the semester, as well as a hugeish paper (10-20+ pages)... that I haven't started yet!! And then other classes... gotta pull up my grade in advanced counseling to AT LEAST a B+ but I don't know if I can do it... other friends, even smart ones, are having the same problems in that class. I don't know. I'm thinking about not even bothering with an internship and doing an independent study instead. I really don't know. :(

I'm sorry that I am not replying individually, it just feels like too much right now. I hope that you all can understand. *cuddles everyone* :(

MammaMia 26-03-2010 10:45 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Seems in my state whilst sending that email yesterday about my job meant it got the wrong address, added an extra letter. Opps. Corrected it this morning. Start on Monday if I get it!! :O

Got myself into a right state last night. Meh. Never mind.

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 10:59 AM

What job is it, Hels? *cuddles* And it does matter what state you're in, whether you feel like it matters or not. What's up?? *more cuddles*

It feels like I have a lot of people doubting my ability to stay in uni at this point... I don't know. It just is... well, crap!! I don't know if I can or not... but I am soo close to the end of the term and to me, uni is more important to me than my health. Especially this close to graduation.


I wish I could just hide away forever and ever.

MammaMia 26-03-2010 11:04 AM

*cuddles April* It's a data entry job, lasts for two weeks (starting Monday!) and could lead into permanent job. Ahh!! Only know about it as my mum's friend/work colleague's husband works there :) Got into a right state last night about missing my baby & stuff. Just really hard & it always seems to hit me the worst when I'm on a low. Particularly when it's a really bad one like this. *curls up & rocks*

Oh sweetheart. Health should come first, before education. But I know how important it is to you & how close. I'm sure you can just about make it sweet? *cuddles* I don't doubt you fully, just know you're really struggling :( *snuggles*

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 11:08 AM

Awh *cuddles* I'm sorry about last night, that I couldn't be here for you. :( Are you feeling better today? And that's cool about the job... I hope you get it :D are you working now at all? (no condemnation either way)

Yeh I know that health should be more important than education... but I can't, I can't, I can't!!! I have to finish out this year... it would be easier were I not so stubborn. Suicidal thoughts have pretty much taken up my mind... so hard to find room for schoolwork in that suicidal ideation-stuffed brain. :( I hate being like this...

I think I'mma post the email that I wrote to my pastor in my r/v thread... just because it expresses how I feel really well I think... and his response...

I feel like super ****. Just want to ****ing sleep!!!! :crying:

MammaMia 26-03-2010 11:19 AM

I don't have a job no. It ****ing sucks. I had a temporary one last December, but they couldn't keep anyone on as there's no jobs. Damm recession. So if I get this, it'll help hopefully. Don't worry about last night too much sweet? Don't really feel that much better to be honest.

*cuddles* Posting it in your R/V sounds like a good idea to help you. Please look after yourself sweetheart if you're going to get through last few weeks and graduate, you need to least try :( *cuddles*

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 11:29 AM

Posted several things in my r/v thread, if anyone cares to take a look. Is probably sui trig but that's no surprise!!!

This semester is awful... I do need to take care of myself if I'm going to make it through but honestly I don't know how to take care of myself the best ways that I can...

I am so tired. And I have to be someplace in a bit so I can't go lie down for awhile or anything. REALLY want to SI... but don't want it to go too far...


Doikers 26-03-2010 11:54 AM

*Throws hugs about*
I'll probably post properly later , I have the urges pretty strong right now , it's taking a lot of effort to distract myself :S

MammaMia 26-03-2010 12:03 PM

*cuddles you both* Please try stay safe =)

Will try read your rant thread in a bit April

Doikers, want to talk about what's triggering you?

Doikers 26-03-2010 12:12 PM

I just AM triggered, it's been like this for almost 2 weeks and not having harmed yesterday has sort of intenseified it , Does that make sense?
I'm online ,
Got music blaring ,
Been for a walk ,
Bought more fruit than I can afford but am planning to just eat raw fruit for a bit as I'm concerned about my weight.
In short I'm doing all I can think of to stay distracted but its HARD ugh.
So hard I'm not sure it's worth it , it's bound to catch up to me soon ......

Yesterday my nurse gave the advice to "Just Stop" , as if it were so easy. She also wants me to try harder so I put in a huge effort yesterday....

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 12:37 PM

Well done, Mark, for putting forth a huge effort yesterday. That's awesome. :) It is so hard to quit an addiction like SI... so many of us understand. *cuddles up next to* Things will be okay... we will be alright... we're a tough bunch.

How you doing, Hels? *cuddles*

I'm a little better... cancelled my eye doctor's appt for today and rescheduled for sometime in May... not ideal but oh well. *sigh* But Jarrod is on his way home from work now due to me not being well and just wanting to sleep/escape from life/die... so yeah. That's good and bad. Means he's using up his vacation time (bad) but also means that I have support & accountability at home (good, obviously). So I feel kind of bad... but oh well. Am used to that by now...

Am drinking some cappuccino... hopefully it will cheer me up. :-/

Don't want to go to uni today.


CrazyHayley 26-03-2010 01:29 PM

*group huggles all in ward*

I've just read through all the posts since I went to bed last night and as I read them I have replies in my mind but they won't stay there. I've just typed a long email to a friend. I think I may have used up my brain power for now. So I'm going to think about having something to eat (not eaten since 6.30pm yesterday) maybe that'll clear my head...

So yeah, I am thinking of you all and sending you comfort and support the best I can at the moment. *extra group huggle*

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 02:07 PM

*cuddles Hayley*

*cuddles everyone else*

Doikers 26-03-2010 03:05 PM

I capitulated.
I cut.
To be honest I NEEDED too.
I hate to admit it but I feel better for it.
I KNOW in a little while I am going to beat myself up over it , I can already notice the thoughts forming.
But the urge, THAT horrible urge has lessened , although not entirely gone.

I don't know how to feel ......... I'm FAR from happy , Darn I can't think of the words again !

borntobleed 26-03-2010 03:26 PM

i have been very withdrawn latley and no one has seem to notice. *look around the ward make sure there is no staff* i say goodbye to everyone and walks away. im giving up, everyone else has won i hope there happy, i wont be around anymore, i need to go to a place of peace, i cant fight anymore. sorry

Doikers 26-03-2010 03:34 PM

*Hugs borntobleed* I'm sorry you're feeling so awful :(

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 04:53 PM

Borntobleed, hon, you really do need to keep fighting, because it WILL get better. I know, I know, hypocritical of me to say so when I myself am so close to the edge, but please, don't give in to the urges. Keep living, keep fighting, keep posting. You can make it. I/we believe in you... *holds you close* I'm sorry that no one around you has noticed that you have been withdrawn lately... people can be very oblivious much of the time.

Mark, I'm sorry that you ended up SI'ing... :( How are you feeling now?? (still relieved or feeling guilty, etc.?)

I'm so exhausted yet I can't sleep... I just tried. Hubby and I just got back from a looong walk into town to mail off a script for Klonopin and get lunch and chocolate (CHOCOLATE!!!! *shares Godiva gems with everyone in the room who wants them*)... so that might be what's keeping me awake, I don't know. I also just texted my NP to let her know that I made an appt with the SW that she had set up for me yesterday to talk with...

I don't know if I can do this. :(

Doikers 26-03-2010 05:19 PM

April , I don't know how to feel still, I do feel guilty that I gave into the urge , I'm triggered again ( Although to a lesser degree so far) by I don't know what :S
I want to earn my one month free braclet again but that goal seems so far away from me right now . sorry to whine .

SoMuchMore 26-03-2010 05:20 PM

I am such an idiot..

*hugs everyone* sry im not up to individual replies right now.

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 05:26 PM

Mark, love, you're not whinging. :) *hugs*

LauraStar, hon, what's up? *gently holds you*

SoMuchMore 26-03-2010 05:35 PM

I am an idiot for wasting 4 years of my life and letting myself be manipulated to the degree that i was... I'm almost impressed on how deeply pre-determined everything my ex did over the last 6 months or so. I am so angry, and for more than just what he did to me... screw me... he almost drove one of my friends to suicide by manipulating her into thinking she was trying to sabotage his cheating by being friends with me... God... He is such an as*hole... I am so stupid that i didn't see any of this... He didnt even man up and tell me himself why he broke up with me... i found out a month after the fact from someone else... I was to kick him in the face...

Sorry, rant over.

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 05:42 PM

Awh sweetie... *gentle cuddles* I'm so sorry that he was so manipulative and shitty towards you, but please don't blame yourself for it. People like that are very clever at hiding what they do... it's not your fault that you didn't spot it. There will be someone else out there for you - someone better, much much better - keep that in mind. I know it's not much consolation now after 4 years of really liking/loving someone... and I don't blame you at all for wanting to kick him in the face. I'd want to kick him somewhere else, but we won't go there... lol. He didn't deserve you... you are worth so, so much more. Try to hold that close and tell yourself that when you're down on yourself. There will be someone else out there who will value you much, much more. *more cuddles*

MammaMia 26-03-2010 05:46 PM

*cuddles everyone and falls back to sleep*

Guess I'm not sleeping tonight then? :/

Oh & I didn't get the job :(

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 05:49 PM

Awh Hels, I'm sorry that you didn't get the job. :( *cuddles lots* Did they say why not or was it just a "sorry, you didn't get the job" sort of thing?

I'm tired too... just lay down a bit ago but couldn't fall asleep. Wanted to though - escapism. Jarrod's home and he's dying of boredom, poor fellow... :( I feel bad. He's going to take a furlough if he can (unemployment here we come... but we'll still have health insurance) and I'm scared that he'll be bored awfully then as well. :( And it's for me, too, that he's doing this. Basically, home care. I don't know what to think...

Sorry, that was a ramble...


SoMuchMore 26-03-2010 05:52 PM

I know.. i know all this... he was a really shitty boyfriend especially considering all the cheating and lying... it just sucks b/c i was just getting okay with the whole we broke up thing and was trying to kinda be friends with him... and then this gets dropped on me and i feel dumped all over again and way more pissed then ever before about it. I have to confront him about it.. im scared tho, b/c hes gonna make it to be everyone's fault but his own.

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